How many chances do you give a person?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 21, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    ...if they've either hurt you or betrayed you before.

    Are they struck from your life forever?

    And if they make attempts to improve..
    Do you forgive and encourage them?
    Do you tell them to fuck themselves until you see them fully improved, and then give them a chance?
    If they change the bad habit, will you still consider them terrible and/or punish them for it? (ie permagrudge)

    I ask because I've seen how some people's behaviour is very dependant on the atmosphere they're in. Like if people expect them to be funny, they will get motivated to excel in comedy. If people expect them to be mean, they think "why not, they already think I am mean", and work that angle.

    It boils down to: after a person has done you wrong, to which direction do you (unknowingly?) foster their growth?
    hmmmm
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    Jun 30, 2013 4:40 PM GMT
    Wazzup Skinny?

    I love this topic..
    I for one have had the unfortunate opportunity of banishing (very Few) people from my life.

    ..My threshold is Destructiveness.. If my life suffers terribly because of someone else's actions.. I have to end the relationship.. If they improve over time.. I'll try to re-connect and keep them at a distance.

    I am always willing to forgive.. If he/ she gives me reasons to forget.. I will.
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    Jun 30, 2013 4:40 PM GMT
    Too damn many
  • amirhassan

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    Jun 30, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    i eliminate bullshit pretty swiftly.
    once someone shows me who they are, i try my best to just believe them...
    i'm very transparent so i take others at face value, too.
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:38 PM GMT
    You give as many chances as you possibly can.


    A few years back my answer to this was "no chances they can burn in hell" but I feel as if people will always make mistakes in life and we are here to be the better person and help out.

    If it's family you gotta give chances.
    If it's friends it depends how close they are you still give them chances just let them know how to solve the issue to prevent it from happening again.

    If it's someone you love then then you resolve it but never give up. You can't live life angry, taking revenge, getting even or doing something you might regret later... You need to understand the hurt and pain, maybe it will take time but having a positive outlook on every negative situation will help you in the long run... if your mind is not in the right place then you will be the one affected not them.

    Don't expect someone to be a certain way even after you meet someone because you never stop knowing someone fully.

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    Jun 30, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    It depends on how badly I was burned. It takes me a while to get over things, but if someone is trying to make amends, I will be open to it.

    However, I confess that some of the deep seeded wounds - I am not willing to deal with those people again. I have no desire to put myself back in those situations.
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:44 PM GMT
    If you've never had it happen in real life you say "None, you hurt me and that's it".

    When you actually have it happen with a specific person in specific circumstances you realize you end up giving them chance after chance after fucking chance after fucking chance and they just keep fucking it up and you keep letting them.


    EGH. icon_confused.gif
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:52 PM GMT
    It depends on the deed done wrong to you ! case by case situation. There are things that you can't just forgive and expect things will be normal again but I usually give people about 2 different chances. After that, it's done really !!
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    Jun 30, 2013 8:34 PM GMT
    I don't know why you'd keep someone who is constantly bringing you down. Life's too short to not have positive influences in your life (and keep negative influences around).
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    Jun 30, 2013 8:40 PM GMT
    I suppose that it depends. I keep giving them chances, but I stop risking anything on them. That is, the 4th - 500th chances don't involve any effort or expense on my part, and I am not concerned about whether they take it or not.
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    Jun 30, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    mindgarden saidI suppose that it depends. I keep giving them chances, but I stop risking anything on them. That is, the 4th - 500th chances don't involve any effort or expense on my part, and I am not concerned about whether they take it or not.

    My formula with them, too. I'm not sure the second chances ever got to number 500, but with each additional one my level of trust goes down, until I'm just making perfunctory contact with them, totally risk-free on my part, which I'm sure they realize.
  • Breeman

    Posts: 339

    Jun 30, 2013 8:50 PM GMT
    3or 4 is a good amount, and it depends on the situation. The older I get, the more forgiving i am.
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    Jun 30, 2013 9:29 PM GMT
    Until offering forgiveness becomes granting permission.
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    Jun 30, 2013 11:59 PM GMT
    I'm a very intolerant person. If someone kills me, I'll never talk to them again! icon_mad.gif
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    Jul 01, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    theantijock saidUntil offering forgiveness becomes granting permission.


    Perfectly said. I used to be one of my friends go to favor guys, but eventually I had to pull the plug. If you have a crush on the person, it definitely gives them the upper hand but you're better off without someone like that in your life...I promise. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 01, 2013 12:16 AM GMT
    depends on the situation
  • Rhi_Bran

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    Jul 01, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    Everyone deserves second chances, but that doesn't mean everyone always deserves a second chance.

    It is good to be forgiving whenever you can, but the sad truth is that there are some people out there who will take and break trust on a mere whim because it is convenient for them. Such people are, however, probably the most in need of love and a good example. Whether or not you're the sort to attempt to work that kind of change in a person is up to you.
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    Jul 01, 2013 3:44 AM GMT
    TomatoTomato said
    theantijock saidUntil offering forgiveness becomes granting permission.


    Perfectly said. I used to be one of my friends go to favor guys, but eventually I had to pull the plug. If you have a crush on the person, it definitely gives them the upper hand but you're better off without someone like that in your life...I promise. icon_biggrin.gif

    +
    Rhi_Bran saidEveryone deserves second chances, but that doesn't mean everyone always deserves a second chance.

    It is good to be forgiving whenever you can, but the sad truth is that there are some people out there who will take and break trust on a mere whim because it is convenient for them. Such people are, however, probably the most in need of love and a good example. Whether or not you're the sort to attempt to work that kind of change in a person is up to you.

    =

    The love thing fucked me up. I learned this the hard way with an xcousin I often mention. I not just forgave but would each time forget her trespasses. I knew for decades that she was treating me like shit. I knew she had issues, a touch of personality disorder, whatever. I just never guessed the depth of her depravity, how she would betray. I'm recovering better now than over the past few years but I still have a long way to heal myself.

    It's not even always a matter of helping someone change. I never overtly expected change. Maybe I held out hope that she'd figure it out, but I didn't require that. Instead she became the worst part of herself, a monster beyond forgiveness. It's not a matter of bitterness on my part; it's sadness. It's a matter of not letting myself forget the tragic nature of that beast. No more chances. It took me a lifetime, but I can take a hint.
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    Jul 01, 2013 3:51 AM GMT
    And there's always that little bit of self-directed anger at giving the benefit of the doubt...

    Don't beat yourself over the head too much. Give yourself a break. I experienced the same with my brother.

    Some people only know how to take.
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    Jul 01, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    turbobilly saidAnd there's always that little bit of self-directed anger at giving the benefit of the doubt...

    Don't beat yourself over the head too much. Give yourself a break. I experienced the same with my brother.

    Some people only know how to take.


    I have that just a little bit but not much. Because I always thought of myself has being helpful to her. And why would I feel bad about trying to be helpful. She ruined her relationship with her siblings from when they were very young. I can remember admonishing them for making fun of her behind her back when we were little kids. They all moved cross country from her and she moved down within minutes to me and my family. I took her in.

    For decades my mom treated her like a daughter. Then when my mom was suffering Alzheimer's, I think that bitch visited my mom maybe three times in those years and I had to beg her to do that. The first time in front of one of our other cousins who of course remains my friend. It was so humiliating. We were so kind to her. How could she treat us so horribly. What a fucking nightmare.

    But you're right. She's a total taker. Perfectly charming as long as she was getting from us. Then the moment our life got rough