What does it have to come to in order to end an 8yr relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 11:01 AM GMT
    (sorry, shoulda been in Relationships thread - keep forgetting the drop-down. still a n00b)

    Never mentioned these concerns on this forum before...
    Trouble in paradise, and the feeling's strong this time.

    My hubby and I don't argue - that's not our style.

    But, over the past 2/3 years, I've just been more frequently questioning whether I still love and respect him.

    What does it have to come to for me to end things?
    Would I be right to end things, or is there a resolution?
    Have I just got thee 7yr itch?
    Is he really just a friend, not a husband?
    Can he change enough for me to love him again?
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    Jun 22, 2013 11:29 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear this. My ex and I didn't really argue either but it was part of a larger dynamic of paucity of communication and gradual distancing. Couples counseling for you and your partner could be useful in helping you and him to figure out where you want to go from here. Take care.
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    Jun 22, 2013 11:39 AM GMT
    1. Relationships will not stand on argument, they get their strength from understanding each other.

    2.What makes you question that "whether I still love and respect him."?

    3.What does it have to come to for me to end things?
    To me, it's either death or the other person should ask me first.

    4.Would I be right to end things, or is there a resolution?
    IDK, there's lot of questions to be asked before answering this one. To me, it's most likely NO.

    5.Is he really just a friend, not a husband?
    What's the difference? (excluding sex)

    6.Can he change enough for me to love him again?
    Yes, he can & anyone can...all we need is some patience.

    NOTE: These are my experiences...there are few things I wish not to display in public...but if you really want to know...feel free to mail me...Perhaps, you may be lucky enough to find a solution to your troubles.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 11:39 AM GMT
    Wow man, that's a huge decision....

    I guess only you could know what your gut is telling you.... losing respect for someone is a pretty big deal, but if you want to, you can definitely re-establish your relationship.....

    Good luck with your thoughts....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 11:58 AM GMT
    Thanks guys. There's far too many points to mention, let alone dissect, and I don't have the energy to right now...

    He's is the loveliest man in the world - I still know that. I've never met someone with a bigger heart.

    But I don't know if that love is passion. I know his flaws, and they repulse me at times.

    These feelings have simmered in the back of my mind for about 3 yrs, and surface with force occasionally. Really don't know where I'm at right now!

    I might bump this thread again at some point when I feel ready to tackle it.

    Thanks again for the support.
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    Jun 22, 2013 1:03 PM GMT
    Have you talked to him? That's the most important thing. If you can swing some couples counseling from a good therapist, that would probably be helpful, too, no matter what the outcome. I speak from experience.

    Hugs, and good luck.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jun 22, 2013 1:12 PM GMT
    As stupid and retarded this is going to sound.

    My heart goes out to you, I'm sorry you're in this situation....
    =/
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    Thanks again.

    Showme - all the issues which are troubling me are things we have discussed over and over again, yet there's never been any resolution. Communication is actually one of our best strengths.

    The reason behinf this is that he's terrified of change, so much so that he'd rather live in less than positive circumstances. He likes to think he's measured and considered, but he's actually just frightened. This impact on most areas of his life, and therefore, ultimately, ours. And I don't know if maybe now, I can't wait for him to keep up with my life changes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 2:16 PM GMT
    gayinterest said
    What does it have to come to for me to end things?
    Would I be right to end things, or is there a resolution?
    Have I just got thee 7yr itch?
    Is he really just a friend, not a husband?
    Can he change enough for me to love him again?

    In no particular order:

    You husband IS your friend, he couldn't be your husband if he wasn't. What makes a husband special & different beyond a friend is the sex, the cohabitation, the sharing of material possessions, the complete involvement in each other's lives, the total commitment, and above all, the absolute love. If those are absent for you then perhaps he's become a friend only.

    The 7-year itch really does exist in men, though scientists think it actually hits beginning around 5 years. It may just take 7 years before he finally acts on it.

    One theory for it that I've read is that 5 years is about when a child is becoming sufficiently independent that the mother is less reliant on the father for close support. The father, in turn, is ready to move on to carry out his biological "prime directive" of procreation, with another childless female. And while he could have been doing that all along, he wouldn't be able to care for all his offspring as well, causing them not to survive, and so evolution programmed him to pair bond with his female mate, at least for 5 years.

    Gays of course aren't mating with females, but the assumption is that inner male clock is still set to go off at 5 years, when a man gets restless and wants to move on, try something new. But nothing says you MUST move on, and if you recognize this built-in urge, you can override it if you wish.

    The question is can you BOTH change to love EACH OTHER again? It's rarely all on one side, though you may perceive it that way. More likely it's mutually reinforcing changes that have been occurring gradually over time. Therefore some open discussion can help, perhaps outside counseling. Nothing to be ashamed or feel guilty about, perfectly normal for couples. Call it a mid-course correction.

    If all else fails then end it as amicably as you can. Maybe he's been looking to do the same thing. You won't know unless you talk. It would not be nice to spring it on him as you're packing your bags. You've got an investment in each other, and I assume you wouldn't like it either, if you came home one day to simply find all his stuff cleared out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 2:18 PM GMT


    "My hubby and I don't argue - that's not our style."

    Bill and I aren't big on arguing either, but you know sometimes an argument is what's needed to get it out there and aired. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 2:25 PM GMT
    I'm certainly not as cold and heartless as to pull any of that on him.

    I want to talk to him, but at the most he's suffering a depression because shit has seriously hit the fan at his work to a level you would not believe, he's desperate to get out, and is terrified of what happens next. So I really don't feel he's in a good place to hear what I have to say.

    He knows something's up today, and I've already told him now's not a good time to talk about it, but I want to.

    Despite danger of sounding big-headed, I know he adores me. I know he doesn't want the relationship to end. I've been through many changes and struggles through our relationship and he was central to me recovering. I'm forever in his debt for that. I just want him to make changes to his life for OUR sake. Or if he is too resitent to change, then maybe we need to look at demoting our relationship to friendship.

    With regards to sex; we used to have great, exciting sex. The introduction of threesomes was never a sign that things had become boring; quite the opposite. But in the last year, I've completely lost any drive to have sex with him. It's a formulaic quick face-fucking and the roll over to sleep. I don't desire him anymore.

    ^ this, incidentally, is still the tip of the iceberg.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jun 22, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    gayinterest said I just want him to make changes to his life for OUR sake. Or if he is too resitent to change, then maybe we need to look at demoting our relationship to friendship.

    He needs to know you feel this way and, if it is true for you, he needs to know you'll be there for him as he makes those changes the way he apparently was for you. If you can't do that, then, sadly, it sounds like this relationship is already over.

    As for the sex, that is a whole other but possibly related issue. Where did the spark go? What would be necessary to get it back? As others have suggested, couples counseling might help. I hate to see good relationships go sour and feel we should do everything we can to salvage them if possible. However, the unfortunate fact is, that isn't always possible. People change as they get older and not always in ways that are compatible.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 2:40 PM GMT

    Have you gone inwards to explore why you feel you no longer desire him? Desire can change over time. Sometimes it's fueled by touch, smell, sight, the sound of his voice, and sometimes it's fuelled by emotions. Over a lifetime I think desire takes many forms and incarnations, and can be cyclical. Or think repetitive tides on a beach.

    This is probably sounding like crap, but I have little to go on here, lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    I know. I know none of you can ever know the dynamics and intimacies of our relationship. But I respect your comments all the same.

    My sexual passion for him declined as my respect for him declined. Where I once saw a calm, considered, stoic, balanced man of wisdom, I now see a frightened, insecure, reckless man who disregards his mental, physical and financial health to maintain the status quo, however unpleasant, and overcompensates his insecurities by seeking instant gratification.

    I know that'll all sound quite judgmental and vague considering these are 8 years of emotions, but it's the best way I can think to summarise.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 22, 2013 3:06 PM GMT
    "Where I once saw a calm, considered, stoic, balanced man of wisdom, I now see a frightened, insecure, reckless man who disregards his mental, physical and financial health to maintain the status quo and overcompensates his insecurities by seeking instant gratification."

    lol, there was a time long ago when Bill could have said that about me, and another period of time when I could have said that about him; likely for different reasons than yours, but I say this to illustrate what MikeW mentioned about now being there for him in the way he was at one point for you.

    If I'm hindering rather than helping you let me know! icon_wink.gif
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Jun 22, 2013 3:45 PM GMT
    if you are not having good sex with him. you have already broken up with him. end of story. your dick always knows first.

    Set him free.

    he deserves that much.

    the sooner the better.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2013 2:03 AM GMT
    Sucks when you'd rather die than hurt him.
    We barely made it past the 3 year mark and approaching 7 years later...I can relate--scary relate.
    I'm going to assume you've met someone, that fills all the gaps he longer does, if ever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 23, 2013 9:01 AM GMT
    Nope, not met anyone else.
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    Jun 23, 2013 9:36 AM GMT
    duluthrunner saidSorry to hear this. My ex and I didn't really argue either but it was part of a larger dynamic of paucity of communication and gradual distancing. Couples counseling for you and your partner could be useful in helping you and him to figure out where you want to go from here. Take care.
    Given the overall lack of information in the thread, this post about couple's counseling is in my opinion spot on.

    OP: seems to me you are struggling with this because your life is headed in a definite direction that you really like (?) and your partner is struggling with work and other issues. It's tempting to let things go out of a sense of empathy for the situation he's in but bigger picture, the truth is the truth. You don't get "nice" points for delaying the inevitable because he might be in a better place a year from now.

    But again, therapy is probably the best answer to figure all this out. Good luck to you.
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    Jun 24, 2013 9:30 AM GMT
    UPDATE:

    So, that was an eventful weekend. I got everything I needed to say off my chest, and unsurprisingly it was a hard blow for him to take. I gave him some distance by leaving the house on Saturday - he was in bed when I got home. On Sunday morning he opened dialogue to address the concerns I had mentioned about his lifestyle.

    We agreed neither of us want to end the relationship; but agreed there are changes that need to be made; on both sides. And I think we're both going to commit to our promises. I hope we do, and won't have to go through the same thing in a few months time.

    Thanks for all the support everyone; I think we're gonna pull through...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2013 9:36 AM GMT
    ^^ Great to hear! Glad you guys had a chance to have an honest and open discussion. Good luck to the both of you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2013 2:30 PM GMT


    Strong love. icon_wink.gif
  • in_this_corne...

    Posts: 704

    Jun 24, 2013 2:44 PM GMT
    gayinterest...

    I don't have time to respond as thoroughly as I could, but certainly have some experience in this area. I was in a 15 year LTR that ended.

    After catching up on your thread, it sounds like you both have opened the lines of communication in order to address things now and that's the best you can do right now. Talk about it. It will be several conversations over a period of time.

    Things will work out for the best if you both communicate and empathize and can step out of yourself to see the each others perspectives. Now, 'the best' doesn't necessarily mean you live happily ever after with each other. But given the long history and your admiration and love for one another, cooler heads prevail over time. Regardless of what happens, just know that it is possible to remain solid fixtures in each others lives...together or apart. That said, it's not always going to be easy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 24, 2013 2:48 PM GMT
    gayinterest saidUPDATE:

    So, that was an eventful weekend. I got everything I needed to say off my chest, and unsurprisingly it was a hard blow for him to take. I gave him some distance by leaving the house on Saturday - he was in bed when I got home. On Sunday morning he opened dialogue to address the concerns I had mentioned about his lifestyle.

    We agreed neither of us want to end the relationship; but agreed there are changes that need to be made; on both sides. And I think we're both going to commit to our promises. I hope we do, and won't have to go through the same thing in a few months time.

    Thanks for all the support everyone; I think we're gonna pull through...



    I am very happy for you. Since you've said you don't want to end the relationship, my best advice (which I try hard to hew to every day) is to always treat breaking up as the last reasonable alternative. Explore everything else first. It's worked for me.

    Hugs.
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    Jun 24, 2013 3:18 PM GMT
    gayinterest saidI know. I know none of you can ever know the dynamics and intimacies of our relationship. But I respect your comments all the same.

    My sexual passion for him declined as my respect for him declined. Where I once saw a calm, considered, stoic, balanced man of wisdom, I now see a frightened, insecure, reckless man who disregards his mental, physical and financial health to maintain the status quo, however unpleasant, and overcompensates his insecurities by seeking instant gratification.

    I know that'll all sound quite judgmental and vague considering these are 8 years of emotions, but it's the best way I can think to summarise.



    Life is change, however "happy ever after", "for all eternity", " forever and ever", make good copy, sell books and movies and are the foundations for human fantasies. Why not take a break from the relationship to sort things out. A separation period is part of the straight legal divorce proceedings because it's a good idea.