same old story......in love with my best mate

  • rower20

    Posts: 9

    Jun 24, 2013 11:17 AM GMT
    hey jockers - i brought this subject up a few months back and got some really great feedback, there were also a few of you who thought that, due to my lack of picture, i was a spammer. im not. i wanted to check back in and see what you guys thought about the turn of my 'romance.' Warning - this is bloody dramatic, and the hardest thing ive ever been through. its long winded.

    so - recap.

    I met my friend "Pezza" 5 years ago when he was with his long term girlfriend. i never thought much of him, he was fun and cool but i never found him that captivating. we would see each other every now and then at partys etc but were never close - never even really friends. He went on a three month overseas jaunt with his gf and came back to finish his degree while she moved to a different country. one night i called in to his flat and we just clicked. we hung out a couple more times after that, just the two of us and it started something pretty intense.

    within two weeks, we were pretty much inseperable. if we hadnt seen each other one day, we would have texted etc. 3 months went by when not a day passed without seeing Pezza. Every weekend was spent with him. All my friends were wondering who this new friend of mine was - i wasnt out at this point - and they couldn't work out where he had come from. i realised how much in love i was with him, and it was crippling but incredibly empowering. all of a sudden life had started. movies, songs, books all of a sudden made sense to me. i had new values in life, everything i did was because of him - i didnt care where i lived, what i did, as long as it was with him. it was scary as i had never felt this way about someone, and as i wasnt out i felt i couldnt chat with anyone about these new found feelings. yet, becuase it was him i didnt care anymore. i was desperate to tell everyone how much i loved him though, he was so amazing.

    He had to move out of his flat, i said he could move into mine with my flatmates. he did so and our relationship grew stronger. one night, after a few drinks, i spent the night in his bed. nothing happened, we just layed there and chatted a bit, then went to sleep. from there we spent a couple nights in each others beds, again with nothing physical happening. when alone, he would be all over me, leaning on me, touching my leg etc. it grew to spending a couple of night a week in each others bed.

    I told my sister how i felt - the first person. she could tell i was struggling with it and feeling like i couldnt tell him of my love for fear he might leave and our friendship would fail. she urged me to tell him. i didnt. the one weekend i went away and didnt spend with him, she slept with him. it destroyed me, and i know for a fact it destroyed her. she was drunk and although it sounds unforgivable, i know she has struggled for what she did for a long time now.

    This incident led me to leave home for a few days. i was without sleep, without control of anything, it crushed me to think he was never really into me, that it could never happen. finally i went home and told him. i was so so honest. i confessed how much i loved him and how much i couldnt live without him. he was amazing about the whole thing - gave me a big big hug and said it didnt change anything, we could still be best friends. i felt like as long as we were still best friends i could handle it. that this was enough. we subsequently booked a huge three month trip to the USA with another of our friends.

    he went back to his home town for ten days over the christmas period then came back. it was never awkward. we were getting along so well - nothing had changed, everything was fine. except i was still dieing inside knowing we would never be together. i was trying to figure out how i could live without him, and how i could try live with him.....

    one night after a few drinks (again!) we got in to a massive argument. it got really heated. i asked him why we were fighting and he said it was only because we loved each other so much and proceeded to kiss me. we went inside and spent the night together...it was everything beyond my wildest dreams. no sex, just passsion and other things. and lots of kissing. in the morning he freaked out and fled - went walking without me. the day continued and it seemed ok....i was giving him space and letting him process this. he was a straight man after all. a couple days after i asked him about it and he replied that it wasnt a big deal...that these things happen and we shouldnt think to much in to it, that it was all good. I asked him if it should or shouldnt happen again to which he replied "it PROBABLY shouldnt" with a sly smile and wink. he then turned on me and became quite nasty...it was hell. he wouldnt talk to me, wouldnt even look at me. he would make fun of me infront of people....

    After a month of me giving him space - allowing him to deal with what had happened - he came to. overnight things went back to normal and we were hanging and doing everything together. then one weekend out roomates all went away and we had 5 days to ourselves. we hung out, just the two of us together, all weekend. we spent every night in each others bed - again no sex- but kissing etc. the relationship had moved again, we acted like a couple for sure. all our talk was of our futures together. i felt like the most beautiful person i had ever seen finally felt the same about me. on the outside we had looked like a couple for a long time - no one would say nything to me, but they would to my friends......this was such a magic time.

    and so it carried on, and so we became closer and closer. and so, we jetted off to the states. we spent the first week just the two of us and it was amazing. we were in backpackers so obviously nothing physical happend but it was unspoken...the odd kiss, just the two of us living a great life. our friend joined after a week and we began our trip. our friend is an amazing person, but he went to american to sleep with a girl in every city. and, quite remarkably, did so! but as soon as he joined pezza changed and it was almost like he wanted to follow suit. i became stressed everytime we went out for drinks....every time a girl would walk into our adventure. one night i actually thought he was going to go home with a girl and i freaked out. in the morning he told me everything was ok and he would never do that. then, we arrived in vegas and i knew it was bad.

    we had a good few nights, then the last night he slept with girl in my bunk bed. i walked in and was instantly winded...i had never felt hurt like that. i grabbed all my stuff and ran out. he quickly followed....grabbed me and hugged me and told me how sorry he was but i had to get a grip and realise it was never going to actually happen between us. i was crushed. i was so unbeleivably hurt. so i went to the airport and caught the next flight to seattle....spent a few weeks alone then returned home. he is still in america tripping around, i never hear from him.

    its been 6 weeks since i last saw him.....the longest we have been apart in a year. i sent him a text asking if he was ok, and that i hope hes having fun....i got a small reply but nothing major.

    im trying so desperately to cut him out of my life.....but i dont know what to do anymore. every day is filled with thought of him. with thoughts of our relationship - will he come home and realise we should be together?? or is this really it. its hell...........

    so, i guess after this novel.....i would like some direction from real jocks who have been in a similar situation. anything would be amazing......how do i move on....how do i actually change my life to fit without him.

    thanks for your time, and thanks for your help. thanks for reading my story.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jun 24, 2013 1:20 PM GMT
    Holy fuck, I'm so sorry. =/

    Sadly I would cut someone off like that from my life in an instant. I'm the wrong person to be giving advice in this situation since I'm such an asshole when I feel like I've been fucked over especially with my rainbow heart.

    I'm just really sorry. =/
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    Jun 24, 2013 3:05 PM GMT
    A sad story. A real heart break. It's too bad he was ambivalent because that allowed him to really get into your heart.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Jun 24, 2013 3:47 PM GMT
    suckeh, i'm goin through a similar rejection thing you just gotta take it one day at a time haha,
    best to think of not having him in your life as a new beginning, find things you want to change about yourself n make them better to start the next chapter of your life!
    cornyness is your best friend
  • bumblejacket

    Posts: 66

    Jun 24, 2013 5:32 PM GMT
    Sorry bud that you are hurting. It was beautiful until it ended.
    You love him and he loves you too but he is not gonna go for you.
    Can you still love him but just have a platonic relationship? You can still be friends with him.

    Also, so wrong for your sis to sleep with him after she already knew you r in live with him.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jun 24, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear all this. Sounds really really tough.

    It sounds to me like he's led you. Sleeping together and kissing isn't something friends do (at least, if they don't want to be physical).

    You need to cut him off entirely. Without a really long break apart (as in a year or more at least), you can't even be friends with him. It's a one sided relationship and he's having a ton of cake and eating it too.
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Jun 24, 2013 10:54 PM GMT
    Sounds like he was a selfish douchebag to you. Ive had people treat me similarly. In the end they leave and cut me off and they're better off because I would probably not be able to hold my feelings of vengeance and vindictiveness and would become their worst nightmare and make their every living moment a living hell of unending pain and suffering and misery.
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    Jun 24, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    vvv

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    Jun 24, 2013 11:20 PM GMT
    I used to have this MAJOR crush on my best straight friend we also lived together for half a year in Australia and we were so close that often people thought we were a couple eventually he fell in love with my best girl friend and they have been together for 5 years now.
    When that happened it completely fucked me up and to be honest even now whenever I see him I still find him extremely attractive however (although it may sound like a cliche) with time it'll be waaaaaaay easier to understand that you're simply not meant to be together. And that you deserve someone who can love you back just as much as you would've love your friend.

    BIG HUGS! And I'm sure you'll find someone.
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    Jun 24, 2013 11:33 PM GMT
    So sorry to hear that your dealing with so much pain and sadness. I hope you feel better.

    I'm going to be different from the others here and say that I don't think your friend was trying to hurt you or be malicious - he probably does/did have feelings for you - just not the kind you want him to have. He's most likely confused and you got swept up in that confusion.

    It sounds like you awakened some bi-curiosity in him. You admitted your feelings for him, he was flattered and decided to try going with it. You messed around a little, he found it mildly arousing, but still finds chicks more to his taste. Unfortunately, you had feelings for him, which got stronger (and your hopes higher) the further it went. Now he realizes that things have gone too far and is distancing himself.

    You pretty much have two choices here - end it cold turkey or stay friends with him, but impose hard boundaries that it will be strictly platonic from that point on.

    Hard decisions dude. I'd suggest that you start dating other people and work on getting your mind off of him as a dating prospect.
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Jun 24, 2013 11:47 PM GMT
    dc0776 said

    I'm going to be different from the others here and say that I don't think your friend was trying to hurt you or be malicious - he probably does/did have feelings for you - just not the kind you want him to have. He's most likely confused and you got swept up in that confusion.

    It sounds like you awakened some bi-curiosity in him. You admitted your feelings for him, he was flattered and decided to try going with it.


    I wish I were as optimistic about his motivations, but this sentence to me killed any optimism about that:

    rower20 said night after a few drinks (again!) we got in to a massive argument. it got really heated. i asked him why we were fighting and he said it was only because we loved each other so much and proceeded to kiss me


    Then running away after that, this is classic "player" move. Not to mention sleeping with his sister. It all just sounds extremely malicious to me. Not at all a true best friend, as much as I would like that to be true, I've also though of certain people as among my best friends, only to have them do similar things to me.
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Jun 24, 2013 11:48 PM GMT
    Marsu saidaay easier to understand that you're simply not meant to be together. And that you deserve someone who can love you back just as much as you would've love your friend.


    I try to keep this is mind.
  • Nhlakz

    Posts: 149

    Jun 25, 2013 8:34 AM GMT
    I was in a similar situation myself and to b honest with u.u just have to move on.it may be hard but just know that there is light at the end of the tunnel..I've been in a sexual relationship with a not so straight dude.he was the first guy to ever pentrate me and i loved every minute of it.but the dude was too afraid to accepted his homosexual self.he made me hate myself now im over him and happy being single...u can't force him to be in a relationship with you.if his not ready to b with a guy.
  • rower20

    Posts: 9

    Jun 25, 2013 9:10 AM GMT
    wow im blown away by how incredibly supportive all you bloke are. and i shall take every ounce of advice onboard no matter which position each of you are taking.

    youre all making sense in some way or anothing and although the common thread isnt the one i was looking for, it seems it should be the focus from this point in. there are good days but there are double the amount of seriously bad days.

    ive spoken with a few of my good friends who were also very close to him too - most say i need to give it time, give it space....that after another two months of him being away he will come home and have thought about it. others say just to cut it - move on and when im feeling ok about it i can rethink whether we can be mates.

    im just in a waiting game at the moment....for 8 weeks. after that i will have the full situation clarified and can do the right thing.

    thanks for all your help - its a wonderful thought to know you guys will take the time to help a brother out. im stoked.
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    Jun 25, 2013 9:22 PM GMT
    I completely agree with dc0776, even though heyom's counter points are good points.

    I see this as just one of those "life sucks because you're gay" areas.

    Straight men can have very strong friendships and love each other as friends. Since there is or never will be any sex they can let their bond get very deep. Replace one of the straight men with a gay guy and it's highly likely that the gay guy is going to get hurt. It's very hard for us to maintain a boundary and keep it purely platonic.

    Because of this I agree with your friends who say to cut it off; not because your friend has done anything wrong, but because I'd predict that you're going to have continued unrealistic expectations and heartbreak.

    The "life sucks" part is because we're only 10% of the male population and there are a lot of really great guys in that other 90% that we could have great loving friendships with but it's safer to keep your hands off.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    Jun 25, 2013 9:52 PM GMT
    Lumpynose saidI completely agree with dc0776, even though heyom's counter points are good points.

    I see this as just one of those "life sucks because you're gay" areas.

    Straight men can have very strong friendships and love each other as friends. Since there is or never will be any sex they can let their bond get very deep. Replace one of the straight men with a gay guy and it's highly likely that the gay guy is going to get hurt. It's very hard for us to maintain a boundary and keep it purely platonic.

    Because of this I agree with your friends who say to cut it off; not because your friend has done anything wrong, but because I'd predict that you're going to have continued unrealistic expectations and heartbreak.

    The "life sucks" part is because we're only 10% of the male population and there are a lot of really great guys in that other 90% that we could have great loving friendships with but it's safer to keep your hands off.


    I think this one nails it, mainly the bold part. I'm that person as well - I came across with this concept once, the "hedgehog syndrome". Basically, the closer you get/stay with that person, the more it will hurt both of you (in this case, only you, which shows quite a lot for itself). I was only able to "heal" the biggest crush I ever had once I distanced myself from him, for a month or so. After that, I was able to be back being best friends with him again.

    In the meanwhile, I have this cheesy trick to ease the pain, and turn it into anger instead (and use it for something else), by focusing on the things he did that hurt you. Soon you'll realize he is the one who is missing out, because at this point, you have him above yourself.

    Best of luck man. I really wish you can get over this as soon as possible.