Rant: I tried for years but I can't...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 6:36 AM GMT
    I need to say this because it helps me feel better. I have to be honest.

    I can't love my mom.

    She...
    ...repeatedly lied to me most of my life about many very important things.
    ...was an emotional manipulator, abuser, and psychologically draining.
    ...raised me throughout my entire childhood as if I owed her something.
    ...loved my siblings more than me.
    ...directly caused my depression, social anxiety, insecurities, and a mental breakdown, AND I DIDN'T EVEN COME OUT TO HER.

    And to top it all off, she had someone cut the foreskin off of my dick when I was a baby, without my consent.

    I just can't love my mom. Every time I think of her, someone with her name, my mind clouds with darkness and extremely uncomfortable feelings.

    Thankfully, I haven't spoken to her in 5 years. My life has been so much better, as a result. However, I'm still working on how to recover from so much emotional damage.

    Please reply with either advice for me, or a rant of your own, or something funny/sarcastic, or a similar story, or something irrelevant, or something insulting/self-validating-at-the-expense-of-another-persons-happinessicon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 11:58 AM GMT
    Some parents are unlovable.
    It's nothing to feel guilty about but certainly something to be sad about.
    I stood over my father's coffin and said, "Well, if there's an afterlife, I suppose now you know how little I think of you."
    There's always hope though.
    My brother and sister moved out of state to get away from from mother. She was a real horror. I've always been committed to taking care of my parents no matter how unlikeable they were so I stayed.
    A few years ago my mother had a personality change. Now she's loveable, although still hard to deal with. I have no idea how this happened.
    Maybe it came from years of my telling her how wonderful she was just to get her to shut the fuck up and stop picking fights with everyone.
    But I empathize with you.
    Depending on your age, don't worry about the foreskin.
    Children in the school showers who have different looking penises are known to suffer a different kind of trauma.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 2:07 PM GMT
    I think you should talk to a professional. I get why u dont speak to her but it must still feel uncomfortable to rationalize such a feeling.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    Probably you don't recall being cut so you've attached a lot of imagination.

    I don't know if natural bonds in humans ever end entirely. The hate caused by another's actions, the distrust, the feelings we have from damage others inflict upon us probably overlay that.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 25, 2013 3:12 PM GMT
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 3:13 PM GMT
    I don't love my Dad.

    In fact, he's the only person I've ever hated.

    It's ok not to love a parent. But just try your best not to hold onto anger, resentment and hate, because these will continue to harm you even with the geographical distance between you.

    Find resolution with your issues and then be free to lead a happy life. Therapy helps.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 25, 2013 3:22 PM GMT
    They gave you life ... what you choose to do with that life is on you