Just came out to my hardcore evangelical parents via email!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 25, 2013 11:55 PM GMT
    Thought I'd share how this progresses, for the benefit of other guys who are in the closet, or anyone struggling with their faith.

    Backstory... my family is Chinese, and we've been going to a very good Evangelical church for many years. I've moved to another city for work and am self-sufficient. I've been planning for 3 years to come out this January but chickened out. My parents are elders in the church, and are also the kind of people who would forward emails calling people to vote against legislation for gay rights. However, they've also been complaining about how I never really share my personal life, romances, feelings, etc during our weekly phone calls... so I don't see any choice but to open up to them. I know the letter sounds frigid... but our family is like that, despite our closeness... any softer and they'll think I'm trying to sell a pyramid scheme.

    I just sent the email. Will update how it plays out...

    Update I've colour-coordinated the emails so it's easier to follow chronologically.

    Blue = Me
    Green = Brother
    Red = Dad
    Indigo = Mom

    Mom, Dad, G

    The reason why I haven't been keen on really sharing my life with you all is because it has been a huge burden hiding the fact that I'm gay. It felt terrible spending every week on the phone filtering out parts of my life, so last week I decided to stop doing that once and for all. I thought I could wait until I was in a long-term relationship and be more spiritually mature with God, before coming out of the closet, to be the good example that can change the way our church sees this, and so that you won't have to worry about me and what you think my "lifestyle" might be. But now I see I was way too idealistic; so rather than see you aware of and hurt by my non-communication, I have to tell the truth.

    I've been attracted to boys since 6th grade, and for about 10 years I assumed that acting on this attraction is a sin and that I'll have to be single for the rest of my life. My faith struggled partly because I felt that the Bible must be interpreted wrong about this, (thinking that if so, what else might be interpreted incorrectly?).

    Around 3rd year of undergrad, I realized that, unlike the Bible, the church could be wrong, and I wanted to find out the intent of the Scripture about this. I discovered tons of resources, and a huge gay Christian community... it's very scattered, and many of them have issues and emotional damage from trying to turn straight to please their family, church etc. Some of them tried to be "normal", married a woman, had kids, etc, only for the illusion to fall apart. Unfortunately many gay-friendly churches in Toronto are so careful about not hurting these fragile people, that the sermons lacked challenge and substance, so I ended up at my current church.

    The evidence has been piling up for decades that gayness is biological. Clearly this isn't a choice I've made just to rebel or something... who wants all this trouble and anguish? Afterall, genuine acceptance of gays is still very new, even if it's politically correct. Plus, the gay community is still a poisonous place... many disgusting aspects associated with it's underground past (ie: promiscuity, drugs, diseases) are still part of the "lifestyle" for many gays. Despite this, I believe that being gay in itself is not a sin. At this point, nothing will change my mind.

    I've summarized the Biblical support for my beliefs separately to keep this email focused (see attached), because I know we'll have a long theological debate anyway. It's very easy to dismiss my beliefs as misguided, and not think twice about the mainstream interpretation of those few verses in the Bible, when you are conveniently among the majority, not born gay, or asexual, or with both sets of genitalia, etc... but remember that throughout history, Christian doctrine has been constantly evolving with our collective knowledge (regarding women, slavery, condoms, astronomy, etc), so how can we possibly expect it to stop evolving precisely at this generation? Understanding this timelessness of Scripture is what restored my faith.

    My struggle with this has ultimately given me more assurance of my salvation. I never wanted to rock the boat. If I had been straight, it would have been so easy to just behave like everyone else who grew up in a Christian home, fulfill my social obligations to the church, and mistakenly call myself a believer. However my gayness forced me to constantly examine my faith, my hypocrisy, my pride, my sureness about things, whether I'm living an honest life, etc. I've become more humble, more compassionate, less quick to judge, and more Christ-like.

    If I seem more confident in recent years, it's because I had come out to my friends, coworkers, etc, and can finally be myself; however the greatest stress in my life was the idea of telling the three of you. Fyi, no one from church knows, so it's up to you whether they need to know. I've been told that many parents think they must have done something wrong to have raised a gay son, so you need to know that it's not true at all. My Christian friends have questioned the way I'm appealing to your logic now, since this is such an emotional thing to find out, but I believe it's best to just be honest and leave the rest to God... guess we'll find out...

    I kept this as short as possible, as I know there will be lots to talk about in the coming days. I wrote most of this email in January, and was planning to send it yesterday, but I felt unsure, and asked God to show that the alternative is worse. I think your last email is that sign. I hope you will also look up the issue for yourself, and (even if I don't succeed in changing your hearts) that we can be closer and share our feelings more. I've prepared myself for this moment for years, so be honest, take your time, but for now pls use email rather than call.

    EC


    Feel free to message me for the attachment with the Biblical references; I've excluded it from this post for the sake of brevity for our heathens ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 12:05 AM GMT
    Congratulations. That is a good letter. Give them time. They may come around. You know how many years it took you to accept yourself. Best wishes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 1:14 AM GMT
    I came out to my parents in an email, but it was not anywhere near as thorough as yours, on so many levels. Mine was really to inform them of my plans at the time. I admire the way you handled this. Good Luck. It took a few months for my parents to come around, I wish a speedy acceptance for you.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3534

    Jun 26, 2013 2:06 AM GMT
    i end all letters to my mom

    with

    love "____" insert my name. might have helped a bit, if anyone else is writing a similar letter. looking forward to seeing what they say.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 2:06 AM GMT
    The letter is truly awesome!
    My concern is you.

    At the end of the day if you are able to subtract everything mentioned above from the equation and focus a bit on you..
    You'll do just fine.

    ..You raised some very interesting points regarding the bible.. I'd say highly progressive..

    Are you the Gay messiah??
    "The Gassiah"

    ..I hope most or all of it works out !!
    Kudos icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 3:22 AM GMT
    That's really a nice letter...
    Thanks for sharing...
    I wish your parents(& every parent) may change their views...and shall help us to unite our hearts.

    This reminds me of a quote I've read few days ago
    "We may have different opinions, different beliefs, different ideas. but why should we let our differences to stop meeting our hearts" Gandhi.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 3:52 AM GMT
    Congratulations - that was a very brave thing to do and you should be proud of your accomplishment. I hope all goes well with your parents!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:07 AM GMT
    It would have meant so much more if you had the courage to do it face to face.

    I see you're still hiding here, on a gay site, with no picture, and too lazy to complete your profile.

    Honestly, since you aren't fucking your parents, they did not have a need to know, and especially in the poor manner that you approached it, but, it's water under the bridge.

    Now, man up, open the closet door, like your yourself, and get on with your life.

    You're 25. It's time to put on your big boy pants, hold your head high, like yourself, and learn to lead, rather than be so cowardly. You'll be much happier for having done the right thing.

    You get to choose to be self loathing, cowardly, guilty, etc, or not. That's all up to you. Nobody really cares, to be honest. Once you come to understand that, you'll be living more in The Real World, and MUCH happier.

    If you have hateful, religious, nuts for parents, rest assured that's their issue, and not yours. Don't empower their hate and ignorance by being a coward.

    Remember: false belief systems / religion / cults are just that: false. Keep that in mind as you move forward in a more rational way.

    You can choose to lead, or to cower, but, the road to happiness, does not lie in self-loathing. It's important that you understand it for what it is: normal. Read up on the Kinsey studies and other science around human sexuality. Once you get rid of the false belief system; believe in yourself, and learn courage, and leadership, you'll feel a bunch better,...about yourself..and everyone around you.

    Don't fall into that pit again.

    Like yourself. You're normal. There's nothing wrong with you, and you need to learn that.
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 26, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidIt would have meant so much more if you had the courage to do it face to face.

    I see you're still hiding here, on a gay site, with no picture, and too lazy to complete your profile.

    Honestly, since you aren't fucking your parents, they did not have a need to know, and especially in the poor manner that you approached it, but, it's water under the bridge.

    Now, man up, open the closet door, like your yourself, and get on with your life.

    You're 25. It's time to put on your big boy pants, hold your head high, like yourself, and learn to lead, rather than be so cowardly. You'll be much happier for having done the right thing.

    You get to choose to be self loathing, cowardly, guilty, etc, or not. That's all up to you. Nobody really cares, to be honest. Once you come to understand that, you'll be living more in The Real World, and MUCH happier.


    Fuck you arsehole. No one has the right to dictate how someone comes out. No one. It clearly took a lot for this man to click the send button and you're sitting here, smug as an American can be, and dare call him a coward?

    Again, and I cannot emphasise it enough. Fuck. You.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Jun 26, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    Ignore Chucky. He probably estranged himself from everyone who loved him only because he came out in the most douchebaggery way possible... and now demands that everyone else "martyr" themselves like he noblely did. Email is a perfectly good way to approach such a sensitive subject... unless you're a masochist and loves a visceral family drama.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:20 AM GMT
    This a beautiful email, that comes out.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 26, 2013 4:21 AM GMT
    Very nice letter .. Bravo for you ... I think a letter really is the best way because it lets you lay out all of your thoughts without int eruption, with the ability to read over and over again, until it sinks. I didn't come out with a letter, it probably would have been better. Congrats, I hope all goes well.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:23 AM GMT
    It's a lovely letter. I will look forward to hearing how your parents react. Good job on your first post, and welcome to the community.

    Although I don't agree with his conclusions about you, I share chuckystud's curiosity about why you have chosen to share this very personal letter but not fill out your profile.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:25 AM GMT
    whytehot saidIgnore Chucky. He probably estranged himself from everyone who loved him only because he came out in the most douchebaggery way possible... and now demands that everyone else "martyr" themselves like he noblely did.


    Nope, I've always been out. My parents are cool people; as are my friends. There's none of the head fucked religion, guilt, etc. My mom had two gay brothers, and I'm a gay activist at the national level.

    You can't be happy and you can't evolve your life if you can't sort out what's important from what isn't.

    Being gay, is a non-issue in my life with the exception of my activism, and who I date, as it should be.

    If you cradle something weak, whether it's physical, or mental, it only becomes weaker, but, if you face challenges, you quickly learn they can be overcome.

    I refuse to be an enabler to self-destructive folks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:26 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidIt would have meant so much more if you had the courage to do it face to face.

    I see you're still hiding here, on a gay site, with no picture, and too lazy to complete your profile.

    Honestly, since you aren't fucking your parents, they did not have a need to know, and especially in the poor manner that you approached it, but, it's water under the bridge.

    Now, man up, open the closet door, like your yourself, and get on with your life.

    You're 25. It's time to put on your big boy pants, hold your head high, like yourself, and learn to lead, rather than be so cowardly. You'll be much happier for having done the right thing.

    You get to choose to be self loathing, cowardly, guilty, etc, or not. That's all up to you. Nobody really cares, to be honest. Once you come to understand that, you'll be living more in The Real World, and MUCH happier.

    If you have hateful, religious, nuts for parents, rest assured that's their issue, and not yours. Don't empower their hate and ignorance by being a coward.

    Remember: false belief systems / religion / cults are just that: false. Keep that in mind as you move forward in a more rational way.

    You can choose to lead, or to cower, but, the road to happiness, does not lie in self-loathing. It's important that you understand it for what it is: normal. Read up on the Kinsey studies and other science around human sexuality. Once you get rid of the false belief system; believe in yourself, and learn courage, and leadership, you'll feel a bunch better,...about yourself..and everyone around you.

    Don't fall into that pit again.

    Like yourself. You're normal. There's nothing wrong with you, and you need to learn that.


    I disagree man. You may have meant well, but your response seems to be way more about you than about this guy. In fact, it was a little disgusting to read.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:28 AM GMT
    Re-read it. It was about his fear of religion and the shunning it invokes, and his own self loathing.

    My response was dead on, but, you can believe what you will.
  • whytehot

    Posts: 1167

    Jun 26, 2013 4:31 AM GMT
    Myol saidI disagree man. You may have meant well, but your response seems to be way more about you than about this guy. In fact, it was a little disgusting to read.


    On second read, it's actually very obvious that he's bragging about his supposed confidence under the pretence of admonishing another forumer.

    In fact, none of his "advice" even applies to the OP, who doesn't seem the least bit self-loathing or in doubt about his beliefs.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:32 AM GMT
    chuckystud said
    I refuse to be an enabler to self-destructive folks.


    There's a difference between that and just being a plain asshole. Your post strongly came across as the latter, whether that was your intent or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:32 AM GMT
    Be warned that the first hurdle you might have to overcome is one that cannot be reasoned with, no matter how much evidence you give them, and that's that homosexuality is not a choice. When I came out my mother's FIRST concern was that later on in life a woman wouldn't marry me because I did some gay stuff. It's like she didn't even hear anything else, from square one I was not gay and therefore nothing else I said mattered.

    Then she said I was too young too know, that I hadn't found the right girl, that I was just going for something similar to me cause it seemed easier, bla bla bla bla
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:32 AM GMT
    PUSSSYYY!!!! You should've let them find a bunch of gay porn on your PC & swear that bein' gay is cool by invokin' the Power of the Holy Ghost with evidnence of speak'n in Tongues!!! Say "Mamma & Daddy, when the Books of Acts says "... And they were filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance..." Acts 2:4 A few of them flamin' tongues certainly hit a few queens too!"

    And as for their favorite! "... Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptised every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the Gifts of the Holy Ghost." Acts 2:28.

    This just means go forth in life and discover yourself. Be born anew; the truthful person that lives within you!

    Good Luck, Bro!
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 26, 2013 4:52 AM GMT
    Coming out is one of the most important parts of the life of an LGBT individual. The circumstances are as varied as the people in them. Some people get to mention it as a side note without repercussion. Others barely have time to get the words out before dashing out the door in fear. Some do it in text, some over the phone. Some, like the OP have a gift with written words, other prefer just to speak simply.

    OP, Chuckystuds response to you was despicable and disgusting. Please do not for a moment believe that the rest of us are not offering heartfelt congratulations. He let his ego consume his response. He was arrogant enough to think that he can speak for you and dictate your personal relationship with your own loved ones. He is ignorant in that he thinks coming out is one size fits all, and so arrogant to believe he is the tailor.

    I apologise for the RJ community that your introduction here had to be poisoned by someone who is acting lower than an animal. Not even animals treat their own kind in the way he's trying to treat you.

    Congrats again. It was a beautiful and emotive letter.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:55 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidIt would have meant so much more....

    Like yourself. You're normal. There's nothing wrong with you, and you need to learn that.



    Chip - meet Shoulder.icon_rolleyes.gif
  • thatirishbast...

    Posts: 3523

    Jun 26, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    chuckystud saidRe-read it. It was about his fear of religion and the shunning it invokes, and his own self loathing.

    My response was dead on, but, you can believe what you will.


    If your response was dead on, why have you edited it a least three times since you posted it?
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    Jun 26, 2013 5:30 AM GMT
    juvenescences said
    chuckystud said
    I refuse to be an enabler to self-destructive folks.


    There's a difference between that and just being a plain asshole. Your post strongly came across as the latter, whether that was your intent or not.

    It was his intent, he's always been like this. Rude and insensitive to everyone else. Only his views are the correct and everyone is just a wimp or victim of a false belief system.

    So he grew up in a family full of homosexuals...good for him. He had it easy then, support, role models (good or bad) and has NO concept of what most guys must endure.

    Ignore him. He's clueless about his lack of tack.

    OP, congrats, nice email. I hope this allows you and your family to move forward and grow to understand and accept each other. Hold on to your faith but keep learning what scripture really says and means instead of embracing what others preach.

  • LuckyGuyKC

    Posts: 2080

    Jun 26, 2013 5:51 AM GMT
    I pray that you find the same acceptance as i found with mine .... all the best to you.