Dating a guy who's not so affectionate

  • MrScandalous

    Posts: 9

    Jun 26, 2013 5:04 AM GMT
    Just started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jun 26, 2013 7:30 AM GMT
    That doesn't seem like a powerful enough reason to dump someone you like, especially if you're still just getting to know each other.... How long have you guys been together? And have either of you been in previous relationships? You may want to give him more time, if you think there's something there worth hanging on to.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jun 26, 2013 8:41 AM GMT
    Badbitchxx saidJust started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.


    It sounds like you're on the right track. Keep trying to change him; everyone should try to mould another person to their own preferences at least thrice in their lifetime. Be sure to let us know how it goes!
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:00 PM GMT
    Here's an interesting way of looking at it.

    See these hands?

    DSC_0003.JPG

    Imagine one is you and the other is that guy you like.

    Now if your hand pushes forward, the other, unsure, will move back. If your hand withdraws a little, the other hand will move forward.

    ...you might also mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy. icon_wink.gif
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jun 26, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    I LOVE affection! can't never get enough, specially if it is sincere, and not shown out of self interest! love love affectionate men!
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    Jun 26, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    Badbitchxx saidJust started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.


    Sometimes we forget that we all NOT came from the same environments were we saw healthy and emotional responses to affection. Affection is a response that can be learned and he must just need the encouragement or help from you, before you cut it quits with him ask him how he feels about the issue. Learned to be patient in some instances you will find that it could be a family dynamic issue or that they never did that in his family. You might also want to seek counseling.
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    Jun 26, 2013 4:51 PM GMT


    The last part of that video might give you some insight.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Jun 26, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    Stop watching Disney movies.

    Changing someone has lasting repercussions, starting with once someone has changed, they are no longer the person you liked to begin with.

    If you like him enough to embrace the things you arent as fond of, then it's worth the energy...
    If you dont like him enough to work through these challenges...

    If you don't know, then it hasn't been long enough yet.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jun 26, 2013 4:59 PM GMT
    uombroca said
    Badbitchxx saidJust started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.


    Sometimes we forget that we all NOT came from the same environments were we saw healthy and emotional responses to affection. Affection is a response that can be learned and he must just need the encouragement or help from you, before you cut it quits with him ask him how he feels about the issue. Learned to be patient in some instances you will find that it could be a family dynamic issue or that they never did that in his family. You might also want to seek counseling.

    I agree with this except for the "seeking counseling" part. (I think most counselors are worthless and actually foster dependence-- but that's a different subject- sorry.) I grew up in a family that NEVER showed or expressed affection. It was an in-tact family and no one ever fought but any expression of affection was simply in the everyday acts of feeding, clothing, providing generously. But no touching, kissing, words. I don't recall ever being touched as a child. But as I matured, I met others who loved me and slowly I learned to express emotion. It still is something I have to remind myself about and I'm very much in love with my guy. With all my heart.

    Give your guy some time. Don't accuse him of being unloving. Show him you love him and show him how to express it by being generous and kind. He'll learn. You can remind him occasionally that you need some loving. Just make it an affectionate reminder. It takes time to change childhood training.
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    Jun 26, 2013 5:33 PM GMT
    Badbitchxx saidJust started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.


    Wait, when you started being more affectionate then he started being less. So that means, he is affectionate before than he is now. Have you thought about why he is acting this way? Have you tried talking to him about this? Another thing, how would you say that he is a great guy where in fact, affection is your main concern in your relationship?

    For starters, based on what you said here I guess it's too early to decide about breaking up or letting go with this guy. Give him time. Affection is one of the crucial factors in a relationship and also one of the elements that is so hard to grow especially to those who have an individualism mind set. Explore your guy's inner self. Figure out how to make him loosen up a bit. This way, you will make him more comfortable and it would help him to reach more to you. Don't give up yet, it's still too early. The important factor here is communication and be open.

    Cheers to you icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 27, 2013 1:47 AM GMT
    Badbitchxx saidJust started seeing this guy and we've been kicking it off great but since I started being more affectionate he started being less. I say things like "I like u" and he says "I like you too" but I'm always the one to say things first. I need someone who says the nice things first sometimes and is nice to me regardless, not just when I'm nice and says what I say back to me. Hat do I do? Should I break up wih this guy or keep trying to possibly make him more affectionate or maybe even learn to deal with it. He's a great guy which make this even harder for me to decide, please help.


    If you're needy of affection, this particular relationship is doomed to failure.

    Some folks don't communicate how they feel well, especially in a generation that's never learned proper social nuance and the art of vocal communication, instead of texting, etc.

    Make sure most of your communications are voice. It imparts much more speed and meaning to the conversation, and eliminates much misunderstanding.

    True affection takes time to develop, and you failed to state how long you've been bantering about with this other guy. He likely is not saying it because he's not feeling it, yet, and may never. True affection and deepness of relationship takes time to develop. You may have a case of puppy love that is best set aside for the moment.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jun 27, 2013 1:59 AM GMT
    I wouldn't give up just yet. I'd just give it some more time to see where things go. He may not be affectionate now but depending on how the budding relationship proceeds, he may show his more softer side. You didn't specify how long you've been talking to this guy so it's hard to know what exactly is going on but still, just give it time and with time, hopefully he'll come around.
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    Jun 27, 2013 2:20 AM GMT
    I'd give it a little more time, but if I were you and after sometime has passed (how much is for you to judge)and he is not opening up and not becoming more attentive and affectionate, consider ending the relationship. Supressing your needs just to hold on to a "great guy" is a recipe for disaster. You will grow to resent his lack of affection and attention because you will come to feel as if you are the only one giving in the relationship.
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    Jun 27, 2013 2:26 AM GMT
    meninlove said Here's an interesting way of looking at it.

    See these hands?

    DSC_0003.JPG

    Imagine one is you and the other is that guy you like.

    Now if your hand pushes forward, the other, unsure, will move back. If your hand withdraws a little, the other hand will move forward.

    ...you might also mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy. icon_wink.gif


    +10000000000000000000

    Seriously, MIL are the best.

    Take their advice, man and good luck ;).
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    Jun 27, 2013 2:46 AM GMT
    Marsu said
    meninlove said Here's an interesting way of looking at it.

    See these hands?

    DSC_0003.JPG

    Imagine one is you and the other is that guy you like.

    Now if your hand pushes forward, the other, unsure, will move back. If your hand withdraws a little, the other hand will move forward.

    ...you might also mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy. icon_wink.gif


    +10000000000000000000

    Seriously, MIL are the best.

    Take their advice, man and good luck ;).


    This will not work with someone who is uncomfortable or incapable of showing affection. Such people do exist. He could very well be such a person. Nothing wrong with the OP walking away from the "relationship" if he requires a more attetive, affectionate partner.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 27, 2013 3:03 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    Marsu said
    meninlove said Here's an interesting way of looking at it.

    See these hands?

    [image]

    Imagine one is you and the other is that guy you like.

    Now if your hand pushes forward, the other, unsure, will move back. If your hand withdraws a little, the other hand will move forward.

    ...you might also mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy. icon_wink.gif


    +10000000000000000000

    Seriously, MIL are the best.

    Take their advice, man and good luck ;).


    This will not work with someone who is uncomfortable or incapable of showing affection. Such people do exist. He could very well be such a person. Nothing wrong with the OP walking away from the "relationship" if he requires a more attetive, affectionate partner.



    " mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy."

    I think it's important to let the other person know how you feel, none of us are mind readers.

    Maybe if even after openly discussing it, it doesn't change then ending it could be the best way to go.
  • MrScandalous

    Posts: 9

    Jun 27, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    Thanks for the advice guys. So far I'm hearing give it sometime so I'm going to try that. We talked today and he actually started being a bit more affectionate, I think he's really trying. But these things have to be worked on for years, they dont just happen over night. I really appreciate the advice! icon_smile.gif
  • MrScandalous

    Posts: 9

    Jun 27, 2013 4:22 AM GMT
    Unintended saidTry dating a British guy. icon_sad.gif

    Yes please. icon_lol.gif
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    Jun 27, 2013 4:30 AM GMT
    Badbitchxx saidThanks for the advice guys. So far I'm hearing give it sometime so I'm going to try that. We talked today and he actually started being a bit more affectionate, I think he's really trying. But these things have to be worked on for years, they dont just happen over night. I really appreciate the advice! icon_smile.gif


    Lol, right on. It helps when he knows what turns your crank, so to speak. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 27, 2013 4:34 AM GMT
    Marsu said
    " mention to him the next time he is affectionate that such things make you feel great. Then he knows better what makes you happy."

    I think it's important to let the other person know how you feel, none of us are mind readers.

    Maybe if even after openly discussing it, it doesn't change then ending it could be the best way to go.


    +1

    Did it really take us this long to get to the obvious answer?

    Talk to him.

  • MrScandalous

    Posts: 9

    Jun 27, 2013 4:45 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]Unintended said[/cite]
    Badbitchxx said
    Unintended saidTry dating a British guy. icon_sad.gif

    Yes please. icon_lol.gif


    You won't get any affection from them...[/quote
    Oh. Well then fuck no.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jun 27, 2013 5:07 AM GMT
    "I don't cuddle"

    1239844947114.jpg
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    Jun 27, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    The first thing i ask when i meet a guy is "Do you cuddle?" If he says no i walk out the damn door with my Gucci bag.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jun 27, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    OP: "Ah feeeeeel yo' pain".

    My long term friend is a prime example of the "First Responder Syndrome". He has to be robotic calm and cold at work (EMS, RN) in order to do his job properly and to save his patient's lives.

    After 20-plus years of repressing his emotions at work, he has become the same way "off the job".

    I know that he deeply cares for me, but his showing it is minimal, at best. The only time his former personality emerges from his cold, "Mr. Spock" zen-personality is at the height of passion, behind closed doors.

    It takes a strong sense of self-worth to deal with such a man.

    Good Luck in the future with him.
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    Jun 27, 2013 5:12 PM GMT
    Oh noes....

    Cuddling & smooching a Must! icon_eek.gif