Experiencing Gay Marriage: Pros, Cons, Opinions?

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    Jun 27, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    I don't post much here, but thought I'd give this complex topic a shot. Quite an opener for a neophyte, and perhaps too rich and thick for a first go. We'll see.

    With today's Supreme Court rulings on marriage equality I'm immediately curious about the stories of gay men who have committed to legal marriage, in places it's allowed. The possibility has existed in Massachusetts for a while now, and I suppose enough time has passed for some interesting evolutions in marriages initiated in that state.

    What compelled you to make the jump? Or was it not so much a jump, but an sliding affirmation toward longstanding commitment? What have been the benefits and disadvantages in your experience? Do you share financial assets and liabilities? So many questions; so many nosey questions.

    On a related note, have any of you guys been divorced from a same gender partner? I was married to a woman for 20 years, and vowed never to do it again after an amicable yet financially draining divorce. Divorce can be very tough, even when it's peaceful.

    These are heavy questions for a fitness message board, I know. Just curious to hear some perspectives, if people care to share them.

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    Jun 27, 2013 1:58 AM GMT
    I have experience with not being married but I'm answering the question anyway because I've been crying about it all day.

    Never married as my first 10-year relationship was in the 70s/80s so we didn't even think in those terms. We met only a few years after this society decided that we were not merely personality disorders (well, our some friends might have argued that point).

    Some couples did then live their relationships as seriously as married str8s--a cousin of mine had a commitment ceremony I think it was back in the 80s--but probably most of us invented our relationships as we flew by the seat of our pants without guidance of the established order.

    So we were mostly but not always together as my brother and his wife are. We sometimes took separate trips and when we were not together he died in an accident. Maybe he would have taken me with him or, more likely, I could have prevented that death. He was a risk taker and I was the level headed one, haha. Either way I'd have less pain today. When I came back from the funeral I was alone. Nobody sat shiva with me. My partnership was not recognized in death even though our families knew us together continuously for 10 years. I did have the support of my parents. But my brother never even called. And in my bud's family only his sister acknowledged our relationship at his funeral. Not one other person did. His mom and my mom had introduced us but his mom was homophobic and in denial.

    A few years later I met another great guy and enjoyed another 10 years. But then I lost him too. It was a long distance relationship but not a day went by when we weren't in contact with each other besides visits over the years. We were planning the rest of our lives together which was to take off after I was done caring for my mom who was dying. But while tending to mom, he died.

    I could have saved him too. I know it. Had we been married, we'd have been living together. I'd have moved my mom near us instead of me living by her, cross country from him. She would have wound up as dead as she did but he'd be alive today. I have so much guilt about that, I can't stand it. And again, when he died, no one in my family sit shiva with me. We had no marriage. Mom gave me a hug, remembering him even through her advanced Alzheimer's.

    I think I understand well the benefit of marriage. It is that when your partner dies, someone will bake you a casserole.
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    Jun 27, 2013 2:25 AM GMT
    Wow. That was beautiful and very sad. I'm sorry you've experienced that pain, truly.
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    Jun 27, 2013 3:04 AM GMT
    Thanx. But hey, I keep trying. I think after I bury my third one I might get it right. Actually I kinda wanna be next to die. I don't wanna go through that again. It sorta sucked. What continues to suck is that I was never considered to be widowed. They just think I'm single again.

    Though each relationship was actually very fun up until that point. The first guy and I were fucking crazy together. No regrets. We were unbelievably compatible. And the second guy, all I could do was make the best decisions I could with the information I had. I knew mom would be dying, his dying wasn't in the plans. So I helped were I thought I was most needed.

    But to your point of advantages and disadvantages, I really feel like my whole life would have been different. Would have been better. Had we our rights. I recognize some of that was me because even in the 70s/80s some people did form more traditional relationships. I wound up with a practicing bisexual so you have to make due with what you've got. I kid. He was great.

    This country is 237 years old and I'm 56 so I've lived without equal rights throughout 24% of this country's history. How bizarre is that?

    This ruling changes everything, including how I view my past.
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    Jun 27, 2013 2:13 PM GMT
    theantijock said

    I could have saved him too. I know it. Had we been married, we'd have been living together. I'd have moved my mom near us instead of me living by her, cross country from him. She would have wound up as dead as she did but he'd be alive today. I have so much guilt about that, I can't stand it. And again, when he died, no one in my family sit shiva with me. We had no marriage. Mom gave me a hug, remembering him even through her advanced Alzheimer's.



    This gave me tears. Today we celebrate 4 years of legal marriage. My god, I feel such grief and with it a longing for something really really good to come your way. This year, my anniversary wish (I always make one) is for you, theantijock.

    I'll have to come back to this topic later.

    *completely choked up*

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    Jun 28, 2013 1:50 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    theantijock said

    I could have saved him too. I know it. Had we been married, we'd have been living together. I'd have moved my mom near us instead of me living by her, cross country from him. She would have wound up as dead as she did but he'd be alive today. I have so much guilt about that, I can't stand it. And again, when he died, no one in my family sit shiva with me. We had no marriage. Mom gave me a hug, remembering him even through her advanced Alzheimer's.



    This gave me tears. Today we celebrate 4 years of legal marriage. My god, I feel such grief and with it a longing for something really really good to come your way. This year, my anniversary wish (I always make one) is for you, theantijock.

    I'll have to come back to this topic later.

    *completely choked up*



    Thank you guys and total congrats on your four years. I'm way jealous but that's okay. I'll live vicariously through your good fortune.

    In the meantime, if you're gonna cry, I'm going to have to ask you to back away from the casserole. I like the top crunchy.
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    Jun 29, 2013 1:31 AM GMT
    Broseph said...Good luck to you, anti. It sounds like you're due it. I am so thankful that I'm not any older due to the gay rights changes that are happening now. So I understand fully your lamentation there. People half my age must think all this change is normal :p


    Thanx Bro, Both my partners didn't get any older so be careful what you wish for. The age thing and what we experience is all relative. I had it better than many of those who came before me and I thank them for their pioneering. I came of age after the sexual revolution so those gains were paved for me. Also that was before HIV so I didn't internalize and attach to my sexuality stigma other's later seemed to have picked up on.

    Yet even today teens are committing suicide and beyond tomorrow gay kids will be born into fundamentalist families and raised in inhospitable areas of the country and the fight continues. It will be generations if ever we are fully accepted into the world. Even once we get it here, there's the rest of the world. And even here, who among us received this Wednesday one fucking congratulatory phone call from a loved one who supposedly accepts us.

    The first day in the history of this country, the first day of my life that my government would recognize my loving relationship and no one called? Holy crap! So don't worry about people my age. We left you plenty of work to do.
  • LEANDRO_NJ

    Posts: 1114

    Jun 29, 2013 12:55 PM GMT
    theantijock saidI have experience with not being married but I'm answering the question anyway because I've been crying about it all day.

    Never married as my first 10-year relationship was in the 70s/80s so we didn't even think in those terms. We met only a few years after this society decided that we were not merely personality disorders (well, our some friends might have argued that point).

    Some couples did then live their relationships as seriously as married str8s--a cousin of mine had a commitment ceremony I think it was back in the 80s--but probably most of us invented our relationships as we flew by the seat of our pants without guidance of the established order.

    So we were mostly but not always together as my brother and his wife are. We sometimes took separate trips and when we were not together he died in an accident. Maybe he would have taken me with him or, more likely, I could have prevented that death. He was a risk taker and I was the level headed one, haha. Either way I'd have less pain today. When I came back from the funeral I was alone. Nobody sat shiva with me. My partnership was not recognized in death even though our families knew us together continuously for 10 years. I did have the support of my parents. But my brother never even called. And in my bud's family only his sister acknowledged our relationship at his funeral. Not one other person did. His mom and my mom had introduced us but his mom was homophobic and in denial.

    A few years later I met another great guy and enjoyed another 10 years. But then I lost him too. It was a long distance relationship but not a day went by when we weren't in contact with each other besides visits over the years. We were planning the rest of our lives together which was to take off after I was done caring for my mom who was dying. But while tending to mom, he died.

    I could have saved him too. I know it. Had we been married, we'd have been living together. I'd have moved my mom near us instead of me living by her, cross country from him. She would have wound up as dead as she did but he'd be alive today. I have so much guilt about that, I can't stand it. And again, when he died, no one in my family sit shiva with me. We had no marriage. Mom gave me a hug, remembering him even through her advanced Alzheimer's.

    I think I understand well the benefit of marriage. It is that when your partner dies, someone will bake you a casserole.


    I AM IN LOVE! wow my dear theantijock!! what a heart felt and moving story! thank you for sharing it!! from this day forward you have nothing but my admiration and respects! love you!! Big hugs!!!
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    Jun 30, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    LEANDRO_NJ saidI AM IN LOVE! wow my dear theantijock!! what a heart felt and moving story! thank you for sharing it!! from this day forward you have nothing but my admiration and respects! love you!! Big hugs!!!


    Thanx Leandro. I share that because I think it important that we understand the damage heterosexuals have done to our collective psyche. Simply gaining rights alone won't fix this.
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    Jun 30, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    Broseph saidI'm not married yet (10 years LTR this summer), but I would and I know my b/f would too. I'm not sure why we haven't already... time flies... it didn't seem to matter if we had a piece of paper--we didn't need that to validate the relationship, flying to another state, etc.

    Ideally, most people probably would want to marry someone for love and not benefits. Still, with the ruling, I guess that adds some pressure. Social security benefits, all the rest... that's real. It can mean a huge difference if something happens. And this society already rewards straight people with those benefits for committing to stay together. So why not?

    I've been my partner's health insurance for like 8 years already. Thanks, corporate America. I've been pressuring him to get legal documents for a while now because I always think about the horrible what-ifs (doh), but atm we're waiting until we move since those laws can vary by state. And now there may be changes to what documents we need if we were to get married. We'll probably need a lawyer to navigate the mess properly. The gay tax is still very much alive *sigh*

    Only marginally related, I was in a restaurant a few weeks ago and everyone started clapping all of a sudden. I turned around and there was a guy on his knee, proposing to his woman. Never saw that before icon_smile.gif

    Good luck to you, anti. It sounds like you're due it. I am so thankful that I'm not any older due to the gay rights changes that are happening now. So I understand fully your lamentation there. People half my age must think all this change is normal :p


    Bro,

    Do not wait! I had friends in a relationship over 8 years together. Out and accepted to their families and went to the others gatherings. One died in a car accident. At the funeral the survivor was told by the deceased's family, they would respect his wishes. They did not and went after one of their two houses (and got it) and pat of his retirement. They had NO legal documents set up. Without them, the survivor has no legal rights.