Need advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2013 3:12 AM GMT
    Hi RJers,

    I’m a long time lurker of the forums, I like to read some topics from time to time but now I must admit I’m a bit confused/desesperate and I’d like to get some opinions on something. I’ll try to make it brief. So here it goes…

    I’m out to all my high school friends but still in the closet in college which is 1h30 from where I used to live. During my first year, I chose not to come out right away because I didn’t want to be labelled as the ‘’gay guy’’, I wanted people to get to know me (and me to get to know them) first. Another year has passed and I’ve done nothing about it…but I’m more than ready to tell someone I just don’t know how/who to tell. I’m confortable with myself now, it took a while but I’m ready to fully be who I am.

    Now, a month ago, one of my best college friend tells me a guy in our class has a boyfriend. Apparently he is bisexual. He’s a very nice guy, good looking, funny and has a lot of charisma. I like him a lot…During the summer, we are both during an internship about 3 hours of each other. So we planned a week-end at his place when I’m done with my internship on July 5th because his house is on my way back home. Since the beginning of the summer, we have talked A LOT on facebook, I mean every mornings and every nights. I can’t tell if it’s because he likes me as he is just super sociable but he compliments me from times to times….anyway this is not my main point here.

    Tonight he tells me the weekend we both were looking to won’t be possible because he will have to work. The thing is, we don’t work on weekends during optional internships. Despite this, he will be working on Saturday because he wants to catch up the free day Monday (Canada’s Day) and he signed up for a guard on Sunday when he could have skipped it, especially because he has 6 other weeks to do some if he wants to. I dont know if he did that just to cancel the weekend off. And if that’s the case, I still don’t know why he would do that exactly.

    So now my concern (thank you if you sticked ‘til this!). I was looking to talk with him about his boyfriend, how he met him and how he meets other guys, basically I wanted to come out to him. Not necessarily in the goal of getting with him someday (even if I’d like that to happen), cause if he really has a boyfriend (which I sometimes doubt according to how he talks to me on facebook…) I don’t want to get in between them. I thought he could help me in getting myself out there and meeting guys, which up to now I have been completly unable to do. But now that this weekend won’t be happening I am a bit desesperate. I’m leaving for 5 weeks in Spain in 2 weeks and I won’t make any steps forward while I’m there. When school starts back in august, I want to fully live my college life, and it has to be by coming out to someone so I’m putting myself out there or sort of.

    I don’t know if I’ve been clear, I’ll edit my post if not! Thank you for reading icon_biggrin.gif!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    Just bring it up the subject of dating in general.

    "Are you seeing somebody?" Is a perfectly legitimate question.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jun 28, 2013 3:16 AM GMT
    give it time, there's no rush. have fun during summer, when you're back at school, you can tell people then.
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    Jun 28, 2013 3:19 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidJust bring it up the subject of dating in general.

    "Are you seeing somebody?" Is a perfectly legitimate question.


    Have you ever bring that up to a straight guy? I think I want to save myself from awkward moments but I'm starting to realise it is part of the game, isn't it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2013 3:22 AM GMT
    fable saidgive it time, there's no rush. have fun during summer, when you're back at school, you can tell people then.


    Thank you for your advice. I always had for philosophy that telling people I'm gay isn't necessary as it's only a facet of who I am. However, it's pretty hard to meet people if you don't know who might be interested and if nobody knows you are gay...

    Haha I'm figuring things out pretty slowly!
  • chadwick1985

    Posts: 391

    Jun 28, 2013 7:34 AM GMT
    I would honestly either create an a4a account or go to some gay bars near campus. It will help you meet other gay guys in the area and with that probably some who go to the same school! As for this guy I would either just tell him you are gay or wait till you get back and tell him. If youre getting the vibe and he mentioned he is bi before I don't see an issue with just telling him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 28, 2013 7:38 AM GMT
    Why the rush? He probably already knows anyway...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    Okay, partly because I'm quite slow but the basic gist of what you were asking is how and/or when to come out to this friend?
    Also just to clarify, were you wanting to do this as a way of coming out in college as well?

    Just as a side note, I think it's nice of you to not want to get between someone that might already be in a relationship. So often people don't even consider that and just jump straight to the hook up attempt.

    Just out of curiosity, did he cancel the weekend plan before or after you asked him about how he met his boyfriend/meeting guys etc?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2013 5:56 AM GMT
    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREOkay, partly because I'm quite slow but the basic gist of what you were asking is how and/or when to come out to this friend?
    Also just to clarify, were you wanting to do this as a way of coming out in college as well?



    Exactly!


    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HEREJust out of curiosity, did he cancel the weekend plan before or after you asked him about how he met his boyfriend/meeting guys etc?



    I didn't ask him yet, I wanted to ask him in person during the weekend because I prefer to have these kind of conversations face to face.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3521

    Jun 29, 2013 12:35 PM GMT
    JuSt get a gay tshirt and let it do all the work.


    "nobody knows im gay"

    "im not gay thats just a rumour started by the men ive slept with"

    Or whatever.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:59 PM GMT
    Alright thanks for clearing some things up for me.

    So if he cancelled the plan without you having spoken to him about his boyfriend, it's fair to assume that something legitimate came up and he needed to cancel.
    Even if it's just down to being really eager about his internship, let's just give him the benefit of the doubt and not assume it's anything shifty or between the lines (not that I'm saying that you assume that).

    Well if you're sure he's gay/bi then coming out to him shouldn't really be a problem at all.
    Just enjoy your holiday for now and don't worry so much about trying to get everything out before you leave.
    You'll come back and everything will still be there.

    As for coming out in college, I'm not sure to be honest.
    I suppose you could always just tell people if they ask you, or tell one person and see if it spreads through the grapevine.
    Short from singing out loud in an open area in your college, I don't think there's any real 'big' way of coming out in college.

    Anyway have fun on your holidays and wish you safe travels.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 4:15 PM GMT
    What is this:
    "Apparently he is bisexual"
    another thread stated: "obviously bisexual"
    and in both it is stated that it's known he has a boyfriend not that he has both or that he's said he's by
    He has a Boyfriend--"apparently" he's GAY!

    --"Apparently" Or "obviously"
    is this something new?
    like a new way of saying he's "straight acting"?


    If you were as open and honest as he is, this wouldn't be a problem now would it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    i guess i don't really understand the desperation--- why you're putting time constraints on yourself and "coming out"

    to me the moments that matter most in your life are never really planned. things do fall into their proper places.

    make plenty of friends and you'll find the perfect person to come out to who'll support you and will be there for you no matter what--- not some "charismatic" guy who's flaky.

    xoxo
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 30, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    I'm of the opinion that you should come out when it's comfortable for you to do so. Chat with the guy about whatever seemd comfortable for you both to do, but don't force anything. I'd talk about him, see how it goes and dont' say anything unless it seems natural to do so...
    if it doesn't ... don't!

    You'll get there even this fall or next year. I'd try and broaden your friendship list through interaction and involvement at school. Sieze control! Do it when you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2013 4:03 AM GMT
    I just came back from his home. He asked last minute if I could come this weekend instead. We had a long chat before I left earlier tonight where we talked about a lot of stuff including his boyfriend, me, etc.

    I'm pretty excited, it feels like a new chapter of my life is beginning hehe. Thank you everybody for your replies, it helped me to read your opinions on this!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 02, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    "I always had for philosophy that telling people I'm gay isn't necessary as it's only a facet of who I am. "

    Yet that one facet is suprisingly vital after all. icon_wink.gif

    Congrats, and have a great time!
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 02, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    Good luck, guy, and stop over-thinking it. Just tell him and a couple of friends you're gay and the rest will be easy. Truly.