Revenge or Not to Revenge - That is the Question

  • He_Man

    Posts: 906

    Jun 29, 2013 7:46 PM GMT
    I'm conducting an informal, not-so-official poll on the topic of revenge, and I'm curious as to how many of you on RJ would act.

    I went through a very nasty and tumultuous breakup last year with a true narcissistic sociopath (we'll call him Victor) who basically took me for thousands of dollars, had me move to Miami to help pay his mortgage and then ruthlessly kicked me out leaving me homeless, penniless and jobless. For two weeks I had to sleep out in the rain on a park bench before a friend of mine back up in Fort Lauderdale let me couch surf at his place. I didn't have a job because I quit mine back up in Fort Lauderdale when I relocated and was in the process of looking for one when I moved to Miami. I was homeless and didn't have a dime to my name because I spent all of my savings on the move to Miami, on my ex and his bodybuilding lifestyle and on the move to Miami.

    I dated Victor for a year before I decided to move in with him, at his request, because it would help him with his mortgage. I was spending three days with him anyways, so I figured it would cut down on commuting, so I was stupid and went along with his idea and relocated to Miami to help him out. I quit my job as a manager of a GNC because I couldn't transfer because I didn't speak enough Spanish to work in Miami. I gave up a very nice condo, sold my belongings because my ex already had a furnished condo and moved to Miami to be with the love of my life...

    Not even a week after I moved in, we started to fight due to his horrible sexual issues, steroids issues and narcissism. I found out that he has major internet porn addiction and would be online talking with guys, looking at porn and on-line cheating six to eight hours a day. I had no idea this was going on until I moved in with him. The story gets a lot worse, but I won't go into it here.

    Within a month, I found out that Victor was hooking up with guys online, arranging meeting with them and sending naked pictures to half of his Facebook, bodybuilding fetish websites and other social media sites and selling his dirty, cum-stained jocks and underwear to guys to make money to buy his steroids and growth hormone, again something I had no idea about until I moved in. He would lie to me about everything and would encourage me to use people the way he did just to get ahead in life. I honestly didn't know this about him until I moved in, and by then, I was literally stuck. I sold all my belongings, gave up a nice condo and had already quit my job and was in the process of looking for a new one at the time.

    Our fighting got out of hand until he forcefully kicked my out, not caring if I had a place to stay. Like I mentioned above, I was broke, jobless and, now, homeless thanks to him. For the first time ever in my life, I had to receive government assistance and food stamps because I couldn't find a job. I was living on the streets and on friend's couches, and I would have starved if it wasn't for getting that assistance.

    Over the time of me staying with my ex, I spent over $5000.00 on his lifestyle, going out and helping him with his mortgage, bills and trying to help make his life easier. I packed up and moved to be with him, getting rid of everything I owned that couldn't fit into a car. In the end, he destroyed me financially, emotionally and physically and selfishly threw me out into the streets, and to this day, he has yet to contact me to apologize or try to make amends.

    Here comes the REVENGE question:

    In my possession, I have over ten emails of his talking about how he used Federal Financial Aid and student loans to purchase and sell steroids, growth and other bodybuilding supplements. He was kind enough to forward me his email transactions between him and his dealer so I could see what he was taking and using during his cycles. Needless to say, the moral of this story, boys, is not to share that kind of information with someone that you're going to fuck over...

    One of the emails even goes as far to brag to his dealer about how he uses his student loans to buy steroids and then turns around and sells them to make a profit! How fucking stupid can you be?

    Anyway, I have several friends that tell me that I should turn over those emails to his school, the authorities and his condo association and completely destroy his life like he did mine. I could literally have him lose his graduate degree, have him kicked out of his condo and have him thrown into jail.

    Here is the question for you guys. I know what I am or am not going to do in this situation, so I don't need any advice on what I should or shouldn't do. All I want to know is how many of you would forward those emails to the authorities to get revenge?

    Would you let vengeance consume your very soul in order to revenge yourself. Be honest with yourselves, and don't tell me what you think others would find acceptable. Tell me what you would do if no one would ever find out. Don't be idealistic in your answers, be honest, and remember that this person, because of his actions, selfishness and narcissistic sociopathism, caused you to be homeless, jobless, broke and utterly destroyed your life.

    I am curious if my friends are right about how I should forward those emails. I just want to see where you guys stand on the issue. Like I said, I already know what I'm going to do, but that's not the point...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2013 7:53 PM GMT
    I skimmed the tl;dr but the topic says it all. When I don't care about someone or they wrong me I forget they ever existed. Why would I spill an ounce of bile which is only going to burn a hole in my stomach? Revenge is something only kids think about (kids in the maturity sense). Adults move on and don't carry around nasty shit which will only poison them inside.
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    Jun 29, 2013 7:59 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    Matiz saidI skimmed the tl;dr but the topic says it all. When I don't care about someone or they wrong me I forget they ever existed. Why would I spill an ounce of bile which is only going to burn a hole in my stomach? Revenge is something only kids think about (kids in the maturity sense). Adults move on and don't carry around nasty shit which will only poison them inside.

    You should read it---his ex is stealing money from other poor students and the OP could put a stop to it. Not revenge necessarily in this case.


    I solely addressed the topic of revenge, which either is or isn't depending if the act is being done in the anticipation of gratifying yourself from causing damage to someone as retribution for being damaged yourself by them.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jun 29, 2013 8:04 PM GMT
    I generally have carefully thought answers and don't want to come across as insensitive, but..

    To me, you based your behavior on a series of emotional decisions, not grounded level headed ones. You made the decision to quit your job, move and live with your now ex.
    Things like savings, jobs and autonomy would be at the forefront of any decision I'd make. And if my bf or partner was moving to be with me, we'd make sure he had a job or at least some major opportunities for one before he moved in (and for that matter, he might not even move in to begin with).


    It sounds damn rough and I'm sorry for that for sure... I
    just hope you never allow yourself to be a position where a "parkbench" serves as your bed again.

    As far as revenge.. the best revenge is to show the bastard you've moved on. Get a job, a career, new relationships and be happy.. DON'T hang out deciding how to stick something in his eye... thats loser thought. Move beyond and be happy in your life.. that, is the best ending!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:05 PM GMT
    The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

    You have to accept some of the responsibility for what happened to you.

    He doesn't sound as if he is the type to repay student loans.
    Life will deal with him.

    Move on.

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    Jun 29, 2013 8:12 PM GMT


    The problem with the emails is without anything else, it's just rhetoric and story telling over the internet.

    The best revenge is to live well. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    I'm very sorry this happened to you. I won't beat you over the head with this, but I think you realize now that you made some poor decisions. For the most part, people can only take advantage of you if you let them.

    As for revenge, I think it ends up hurt you as much as the person you want to hurt. That's not to say it isn't tempting. I think we all want some sense of justice for those who have wronged us. But nothing you do will get your money or time back, and nothing will heal the emotional pain you went through.

    You may still feel a moral obligation to let someone know that this man is stealing money that should be going to people who need it. You can hand any evidence you have over to the proper authorities and be done with it.
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:17 PM GMT
    Couple of points..

    - I hate to blame the victim. But from the information you provided, it seems you leaped head first into this situation and didn't think this one out. I hope you learned your lesson here.

    - Do it. At this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Perfect formula for revenge. Or alternative point of view: This is a perfect opportunity to bust a guy that's scamming the government.

    6YiYNCD.jpg
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:32 PM GMT
    You know if I feel someone has done that much wrong to me it would piss me off to no end but to be quite honest, I don't know how would I react in that situation. It is easy to sit here and say that this is what I will do and that I wouldn't do but when one has been humiliated, shattered to an extreme then I think emotions play a big role. I haven't been cheated and proud of all the men I have dated so I couldn't really answer how I would react myself.

    Ideally, I think I will call him first and ask him to pay for the damages he has done to me. Ask for the money that I have spent on him. I would also tell him about the repercussions of him not paying to me.
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:33 PM GMT
    xrichx saidCouple of points..

    - I hate to blame the victim. But from the information you provided, it seems you leaped head first into this situation and didn't think this one out. I hope you learned your lesson here.

    - Do it. At this point, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Perfect formula for revenge. Or alternative point of view: This is a perfect opportunity to bust a guy that's scamming the government.

    6YiYNCD.jpg



    There are many situations that you cannot always think through before they occur. I would have to cut some slack to the OP. Trust is a big part of any relationship and for a healthy relationship you can't always take everything with a pinch of salt.
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    Jun 29, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    ricky1987 saidYou know if I feel someone has done that much wrong to me it would piss me off to no end but to be quite honest, I don't know how would I react in that situation. It is easy to sit here and say that this is what I will do and that I wouldn't do but when one has been humiliated, shattered to an extreme then I think emotions play a big role.


    That's a dangerous slippery slope. This comes to mind.

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    Jun 30, 2013 12:16 AM GMT
    It's not about revenge!
    It's about those poor students.

    If I face the similar situation, I would put my ego aside and then think...only then I could make some better decisions.

    for now, I could think only of those poor students...so, if revealing his secrets would help those kids, then I will definitely help them. But, I'll try to do anonymously.
    This is what I would do...

    I'm sorry this has happened to you. I don't know how you're facing it...but it's nice to hear that help came to you from friends. I wish you all the best in your future.
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    Jun 30, 2013 12:28 AM GMT
    Dude, if you dated him for a year he was not a sociopath, at best a sociopath can hide his true self from you for a short, shallow time, but sociopaths can't hide their true colours from someone decent for long.

    I've attempted revenge on a sociopath once, strangely enough I played the cell block tango video above every morning to motivate me.

    Now I have a criminal record......

    Let the sociopath win! Because you will lose! death will end him eventually, and that's the only way you can get revenge, outlive him, then dance on his grave.

    If he is a sociopath, revenge will be wasted on him, and cause you further damage, trust me, I know from painful experience.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jun 30, 2013 12:30 AM GMT
    Revenge is a dish best served cold.
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    Jun 30, 2013 12:43 AM GMT
    fable saidRevenge is a dish best served cold.


    +1

    Cold meaning indifferent. Be indifferent to those whom have hurt you, they are not worth any spite.
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    Jun 30, 2013 1:11 AM GMT
    OMG I knew your looked familiar! I've been to every GNC in Ft Laud (more than once).

    As for revenge, forget about it. Get your life back in order first.
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:24 AM GMT
    What would Emily, Nolan and Aiden do?
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:37 AM GMT
    I would do it. It would surely feel good, at least for a bit, to get revenge, but I would rather report him because he's destroying himself and the only way to get someone like that back on track is to slap them in the face with reality.
  • omgazn

    Posts: 342

    Jun 30, 2013 3:44 AM GMT
    I agreed with most of the RJ saying revenge is bad but like everyone been saying couple be saving future victim of Victor.
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:50 AM GMT
    Ahhhh! Another Broward County, Florida episode. "There's no place like home."

    icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:56 AM GMT
    hmmm, and I just came back from Ft. Lauderdale...wowicon_biggrin.gif

    First man I am sorry what you have gone through, but I do not see how REVENGE is going to bring any happiness to you. REVENGE never does. Only you can make yourself happy and forgive. I agree with most of the OP here:

    (1) Regain your strength, find a new job career, get back to GCN if you can.
    (2) Place back your finances in order.
    (3) Find new healthy friends and relationships.

    Forget about the loser, in life I have seen many times these people get their own...you think the authorities are NOT already onto him. Its amazing how sometimes these STUPID people are that they will not get caught...YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET involve with the police or any other matter with this guy. MOVE on, this a a bitter lesson you learned...so the next time this thing happens, will surely will RUN the other way..the is an amazing guy out there waiting for you.
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:57 AM GMT
    This is a bit complex. But here's how I would see it/what I would do.

    I am for the most part a very moral person. I act on those morals. And I believe that anyone who misuses the system should pay for it.

    First of all, I don't think I would have done the relocation thing, but if I did, I would have gone to the proper authorities as soon as I had enough evidence, regardless of what he did to me. If it all happened as you said, then yes, I would still turn it in to the proper authorities. Not because I'm angry, but because it is the right thing to do.

    I don't believe in revenge. If he hurt me, I wouldn't purposely hurt him back, just for the sake of revenge, but if he is a bad person and I can stop his bad-doing, I would try.
  • chemistry

    Posts: 29

    Jun 30, 2013 4:06 AM GMT
    Learn from the experience, move on and stop wasting more of your life...
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    Jun 30, 2013 4:18 AM GMT
  • CharleySF

    Posts: 2

    Jun 30, 2013 4:52 AM GMT
    I'm in the "don't do it" camp. Take responsibility for your impulsive actions on this one, lick your wounds and let that guy continue digging his grave. If you need an additional reason not to do this, stop and ponder the legal nightmare you would be creating for yourself. This wouldn't end with you showing the emails to authorities. You would become entangled as a key witness to all this which will slow your life way down and would just deepen the negative involvement with this guy. Move on and live your life. Victor's sins will catch up with him, they always do.