Exes and birthdays and holidays

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jun 30, 2013 2:29 PM GMT
    We broke up almost three years ago. I tried a few times to end communication with him but we always seem to stay in touch. He's living overseas and I'm in the US but he calls regularly to chat. When I say something like I really want to move on, he calls me an asshole and can't understand why we can't be friends. He cheated on me (a serial cheater, actually) so I kicked him to the curb when I found out. He's never really apologized for any of it.

    Now that we're so many miles apart the contact is not quite as often as it once was. But his birthday is coming up and I'm thinking of just letting it pass without saying anything.

    Is it a good thing or bad thing? Is silence saying something or is it in bad taste considering it's just his birthday and saying Happy Birthday is quick and easy.

    Thanks for the comments and advice.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jun 30, 2013 2:46 PM GMT
    Well, if you're trying to move on---and he's your ex. You should not have to do or say anything for his birthday.

    He's an ex and you have no obligation to do anything for him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    Sorry man
    Makes no sense to me, as you say it's been THREE years and that he get's upset when you say you want to move on--a lot missing here.
    After three years I would think there's a strong enough friendship to warrant a gift, but it sounds like in your case a simple text would be just the right amount of passive-aggressive.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jun 30, 2013 6:09 PM GMT
    I don't get it either but I know part of this is my own fault.

    We were together for almost 5 years. I was his first love, sex partner, etc. He started questioning what else was out there and I don't really blame him. At the very beginning when he chased me and WANTED to be together, I explained to him that this would eventually happen but of course he was "in love" and said it would never happen. That we'd be together forever. I was genuinely in love with him.

    After a while our love life was almost non-existent and he started asking about how I felt about 3-ways or opening the relationship. I explained that I didn't see a need for me to go out but that if he did, I was fine with it (repeating what I said when we first met) but had two rules. Always be safe and always sleep in our bed at night. He broke the second by going away for a weekend with a guy and telling me he was visiting his family (who lived a few hours away).

    Not moving on for me means having an emotional connection that won't disconnect. I've unfriended him on FB only to have him friend me again. I left it alone but changed the settings from friend to acquaintance to keep his postings off my page. I moved back to the US as part of separating myself from him. When we were in the same city we attended the same church. Every Sunday we'd have lunch after Mass.

    Now I'm back in the US and he calls all the time. He recently moved to UAE and the calls slowed a bit but still. I told him that now that we've both moved on from where we were, we can now move on completely. That's when he called me an asshole. I called him to speak with him directly about this and he was crying. Not about me but because he was homesick and hated where he was and wanted to go home. Being who I am I talked him down and said he had to push forward etc. That things would be ok in the long run. I mentioned that I saw on his FB page that he's been out with people there and one American guy in particular and that that was a good thing. He shot back that those people are losers. That he was full of himself and that he wasn't a friend. I asked him his definition of friend and he said it's some one you care for. This guy was no friend.

    I'm honestly beside myself. I'll be honest and admit that I still care for him but I also realize that I won't be able to move on until he's out of sight and out of mind. It won't happen if he keeps calling.

    I know all of you will say unfriend him and stop taking his calls.

    His B-day is tomorrow and I'm debating what to do.
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    Ummm...

    You know that you can always not answer his calls and delete his texts. You can even block his number.

    I think the fact that you are even posting this thread shows that you are the one that is having a hard time letting go and moving on. You are the one with the power here.

    You aren't obligated to do anything.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:31 PM GMT
    Forget him and move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 30, 2013 7:34 PM GMT
    I dont think there's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with an ex. However, sounds like ur break wasn't a good one...and since you need to move on, you shouldn't contact him cuz then he'll think that you're still in love with him and want him back.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jun 30, 2013 8:01 PM GMT
    When you want to move on from an X, you do it by breaking off all communication. Maybe in 5 years, you can see if you can pick up with a friendship only.

    Keeping in touch is what guys do when they want to just keep their options open to keep using you on the side.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jun 30, 2013 9:30 PM GMT
    Silence says you've moved on.

    "It takes two to tango."
    The only reason you two are still in communication is because you both still communicate with each other.
    If you want it to stop, stop taking his calls, etc.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 01, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    I'm also quite sure I have feeling for him that haven't died. It might be because the communication hasn't ended so the emotional connection hasn't ended. I've tried, quite bluntly, telling him this but it goes nowhere. He called 4 times yesterday and sent a SMS this morning.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2013 3:03 PM GMT
    I send a happy birthday text to the guys I dated before my current bf. I do the same for my ex wife's birthday but do exchange a small gift at Christmas but then we're altogether then with our kids, a very modern family icon_smile.gif
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 01, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    I don't see the point at all.. I'd move on and talk to him reasonably when required, but I wouldn't initiate anything!

    icon_neutral.gif
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 01, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    That last comment makes the most sense. I haven't called him and let the communication come from his side. That said, I might send a simple "Happy Birthday" on his B-day. Why perpetuate the "asshole" remark he made by living up to it?
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 01, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidWhen you want to move on from an X, you do it by breaking off all communication. Maybe in 5 years, you can see if you can pick up with a friendship only.

    Keeping in touch is what guys do when they want to just keep their options open to keep using you on the side.


    TheQuest saidUmmm...

    You know that you can always not answer his calls and delete his texts. You can even block his number.

    I think the fact that you are even posting this thread shows that you are the one that is having a hard time letting go and moving on. You are the one with the power here.

    You aren't obligated to do anything.


    EMPHATIC: +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2013 4:39 PM GMT
    So you're going to allow him to manipulate you into continuing communication?

    The fact that you made the original post suggests that you are unhappy and conflicted. This is not good.

    If you have not been able to move on the problem is not him it is you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting this birthday pass without a message from you.

    You have already told him you don't want to continue communicating with him, now be a man of your word.


    jayatl56 saidThat last comment makes the most sense. I haven't called him and let the communication come from his side. That said, I might send a simple "Happy Birthday" on his B-day. Why perpetuate the "asshole" remark he made by living up to it?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2013 5:16 PM GMT
    People must learn there are consequences to their actions. One consequence to hurting a partner by cheating on him is being put out of his life. The decision whether or not to do that is totally up to you.

    There is no right or wrong answer - just your answer. You have every right to decide who comes into your life, who stays in your life and who is banished from your life. You make that decision (with no apologies) on what you feel is best for YOU.
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    Jul 01, 2013 5:19 PM GMT
    Personally I think you're enabling his behavior because you still take his calls and answer his texts. I think you should either tell him on the phone or if it's easier, send him an email saying that you need some time to yourself and therefore not communicating for awhile is in both of your interests. If he doesn't like that...who cares...This is your life..not his.
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 01, 2013 5:49 PM GMT
    There's no doubt that you still harbor some feelings for him, otherwise you would know what to do and you wouldn't need to ask for advice.

    Some guys can break up and remain friends, some can't. Ask youself, is there any way possible that you could ever have a respectful friendship with this man. Is there a there an ice cubes chance in hell you you be in a relationship with him?

    Kinda sounds like you're both manipulating each other.
    Cut it off, let his birthday pass without acknowledgement. Who cares if he thinks you're an asshole. A card or text is not going to change anything. You're wasting emotion on a man that's not good for you - save it for some man that is good for you.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 01, 2013 8:45 PM GMT
    It's called . . . wait for it . . .

    CO-DEPENDENCY.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 01, 2013 10:28 PM GMT
    How are you Jay?
    You and I used to bounce e-mails back and fourth regarding this guy remember?

    ..He deserves a very 'Low Rank' in your life..
    Honestly he earned it!

    ..Now on his Birthday you will have mind blowing safe sex with a random hot guy.. "Accidentally" dial his number a few minutes before you orgasm..and leave the phone off the hook.. icon_eek.gif

    What??
    Birthday's are about creating memories ..right?