Am I a bad person for dating 2 people at once?

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jul 01, 2013 9:16 PM GMT
    I'm really LTR-oriented and am used to always being with just one guy and being serious... Have never cheated on anyone and never would, and I'm not a 'player' who looks to date multiple people for short periods of time.

    I've been single for over a year and finally seem to have found not one, but two people that I really like and connect with...

    No. 1 pursued me, and things are working out great...he's a complete stranger (no mutual friends) and we're seeing each other regularly, talking, sleeping over. There haven't been any conversations about exclusivity [yet], which I'm dreading, but I know that If I were him, I'd be upset if I knew that I'm also really interested in someone else...

    No. 2 is the opposite: I'm chasing after him, even though he's told me flat out he likes me. He's friends with lots of my friends, so there's the added drama...This has been going on for almost two months...I'm certain that a lot of the reason I'm so into him is because he's so unavailable and hard to see, but that doesn't make it any easier on me. My gut says to go after him because he's really what I want.

    But should I give up on #2 and stick with #1? Should I feel guilty for doing what I'm doing? Am I going to lose not just one, but both of them if I keep this up?

    Do you think if I suddenly become unavailable to #2 and he finds out I'm dating someone he may wake up and realize he has to be more proactive with me?
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    Jul 01, 2013 10:37 PM GMT
    The chase has to be mutual..
    One guy is after you..and you are after another guy..

    I think both guys complete unresolved needs..You want to be chased and you'd love to do some of the chasing yourself..
    This is why you keep both of them around!

    ..My bet is whichever one you keep will not fulfill what you need.

    Just my opinion..
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    Jul 02, 2013 12:15 AM GMT


    Linvect96, very good insights from the two guys above me.
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    Jul 02, 2013 12:57 AM GMT
    Choose soon, or lose both...and possibly do irreparable damage to your reputation among all in your social circle.

    Consider going to a therapist or counselor to work this through "post haste".
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    Jul 02, 2013 1:08 AM GMT
    What I'm about to say is probably a cliche, but I think you know who you really want. If I have to bet, then I think it's #2. (I think that you are insecure with your chances with #2 and need a backup just in case.) Be honest with yourself, and you'll know who you really want to be with.

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    Jul 02, 2013 1:42 AM GMT
    Lol No, you shouldn't feel guilty for dating 2 guys at the same time. Your problem seem easier from my point of view. From your post, I sense Guy #1 is just a friend whom you don't want to get involve with. You used the word (Dreaded for the talk, or use him to make Guy# 2 Jealous). Lol. So I think you should go after #2 but be prepared that he may not at all be into you back. Life sucks isn't it, sometimes when a guy wants you, you don't feel anything and You kind of always want things/people that are unavailable! Good luck.



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    Jul 02, 2013 1:45 AM GMT
    xsocalguy8x saidLol No, you shouldn't feel guilty for dating 2 guys at the same time. Your problem seem easier from my point of view. From your post, I sense Guy #1 is just a friend whom you don't want to get involve with. You used the word (Dreaded for the talk, or use him to make Guy# 2 Jealous). Lol. So I think you should go after #2 but be prepared that he may not at all be into you back. Life sucks isn't it, sometimes when a guy wants you, you don't feel anything and You kind of always want things/people that are unavailable! Good luck.





    hehe its so common i believe its' "dating karma"
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    Jul 02, 2013 1:48 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidChoose soon, or lose both...


    This.

    ETA: You're going to get hurt. Don't try to be the stud.
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    Jul 02, 2013 2:11 AM GMT
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  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Jul 02, 2013 2:30 AM GMT
    I sympathize with you linvect. Though I've never dated two people at once, I've felt the sting of both those situations.

    Let me ask you something. With the second guy, are you always the one to initiate things? Always the one to come up with plans? The first to say something in every conversation? If so, then consider curtailing your feelings for #2. You said he's always unavailable and hard to see - well, consider that an idea of how any relationship between the two of you might go.

    I've been in that situation several times - that was how my first true crush played out. The heart is never so willing to give up an endeavor that the mind sees as fruitless. If he said he likes you, but is never around to demonstrate that... I'd say he's full of it.
  • Labrat2011

    Posts: 18

    Jul 02, 2013 2:47 AM GMT
    Rhi_Bran saidI sympathize with you linvect. Though I've never dated two people at once, I've felt the sting of both those situations.

    Let me ask you something. With the second guy, are you always the one to initiate things? Always the one to come up with plans? The first to say something in every conversation? If so, then consider curtailing your feelings for #2. You said he's always unavailable and hard to see - well, consider that an idea of how any relationship between the two of you might go.

    I've been in that situation several times - that was how my first true crush played out. The heart is never so willing to give up an endeavor that the mind sees as fruitless. If he said he likes you, but is never around to demonstrate that... I'd say he's full of it.


    Rhi_Bran, I couldn't have said it any better than what you have written. I know exactly what you are saying...thank you for putting it so succinctly, and felt the same way a few months ago...damn heart!
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    Jul 02, 2013 3:27 AM GMT
    I feel so bad for the guy #1.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 02, 2013 3:29 AM GMT
    linvect96 said

    ...I'm certain that a lot of the reason I'm so into him is because he's so unavailable and hard to see, but that doesn't make it any easier on me. My gut says to go after him because he's really what I want.


    Do you think if I suddenly become unavailable to #2 and he finds out I'm dating someone he may wake up and realize he has to be more proactive with me?

    You put this in way that sounds more like you are pursuing "friends" in middle school cliques, than investigating your romantic interests for a LTR. I don't pick up anything sounding like romance or love. Maybe you are into a FB relationship? You should go after #2, "because he is what you really want???" Like deciding on which sports car to buy? Sounds like you don't know what you really want. Whether you date one or two guys now probably makes no difference, unless you fall in love with both of them. If there is real romance or love between you and one of them (from both sides), that would be the time to stop dating the other. Until then, you are only "dating." If you don't care whether there is love or romance, maybe you should just settle for a FB or an arranged marriage.
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    Jul 02, 2013 3:42 AM GMT
    If girls can date two guys at once, why can't guys do the same thing? Just let each one know that you're doing so.........and that shouldn't be any surprise to either of them, since you're not exclusive with either of them. Just be up front about it.

    And never accept a date for a Saturday night after Wednesday. Make them plan ahead to spend time with you, because you're busy - - and not just "available" on a moment's notice!

    (According to "The Rules" which was a popular book - with some people).

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    Jul 02, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    linvect96 said
    Do you think if I suddenly become unavailable to #2 and he finds out I'm dating someone he may wake up and realize he has to be more proactive with me?


    That's why you will end up single, 60's chasing down kids old enough to be your grand kids.

    The writing could not be any clearer, pick number 1 you dumbass.

    Do you have any sort of education or soul?
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    Jul 02, 2013 4:02 AM GMT
    There are some really great replies here. I'll just add that I have dated a couple of guys at roughly the same time. I was always clear that I was dating. I didn't go into details about it, but it was in the open.

    I don't get that you are in love with either of them, from what little we can tell here. So keep dating, and remain open to dating other guys at the same time. These relationships will play out in due course. The chase can be fun. I doubt you will get your heart broken in either of these relationships, but definitely watch out for breaking someone else's heart. Be kind.
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    Jul 02, 2013 4:13 AM GMT
    Believe it or not, you're doing the right thing already. Circular dating is emotionally healthy as long as you do not speak of exclusivity. Date them both as long as you like until you make up your mind. I wish everyone dated in this manner.
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    Jul 02, 2013 5:16 AM GMT
    Are you doing something that would hurt someone if they knew about it... but you do it anyway?

    Then yes.
  • ATLANTIS7

    Posts: 1213

    Jul 02, 2013 5:23 AM GMT
    Been there a few times and it is difficult but in the end you know which one you take the chance with?

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    Jul 02, 2013 5:25 AM GMT
    Like others have said, there's nothing wrong with dating multiple people if none of them is under the impression it's exclusive.

    That's the point of dating - to get to know someone before you make a commitment. But it sounds like you KNOW you like the 2nd guy more so why waste the first guy's time? or worse, USE him to make the 2nd guy interested.

    Sounds like to me you should give up on the both cause the 2nd guy just aint that into you.
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    Jul 02, 2013 5:38 AM GMT
    I'm going to say it like this. If you looked at guy 1 and then looked at guy 2, then guy 1 wasn't worthy of your attention. It's nothing bad to him, just that you might not be interested or just are looking for other qualities. Unless he's all lesbian and picking out drapes and shit... he should understand that you are dating around with more than one person if you explain and clarify that you guys are not exclusive. I see nothing wrong with that. When guys don't, then I have a problem. You're doing guy 1 a favor... get him to be happy than we around for you. That sounds really bitch, but I mean it's true, lol. It is what it is. icon_wink.gif
  • Montague

    Posts: 5205

    Jul 02, 2013 5:41 AM GMT
    only if you get caught!
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    Jul 02, 2013 5:52 AM GMT
    Neither.
    #1 could use someone more forthcoming and honest. He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment having expressed to you his feelings.
    #2 is not an option. You said it—unavailable. What part of that is difficult to understand?
    Perhaps, you might not be ready for either "relationship".
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    Jul 02, 2013 7:04 AM GMT
    I mostly agree with TerraFirma - and honestly I've struggled with these kinds of things as well on occasion. There are SO many factors involved - and it gets harder for gay men because there are far fewer choices in many ways.

    That said, you never really know how someone is going to react until you honestly talk with them. Try not to assume too much. But you gotta ask yourself: What am I HONESTLY getting out of both of these situations...? And is it REALLY what you want?

    I, for one, HATE the idea of chasing someone who seems "unavailable". Pain awaits those that try to force it. It almost NEVER works and is a waste of time on every level.

    But you go right ahead and let us know what happens... icon_cool.gif
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 02, 2013 7:40 AM GMT
    another 14 yr old girl thread...yawn