Intense jealousy

  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jul 03, 2013 12:51 AM GMT
    This probably won't make me loved by you guys, nor will it show my good side but I still wonder if any of you guys felt the same sometimes, and how you are dealing with it.

    Since I've been young I sometimes have these intense jealousy attacks, I think thats the best way to describe it. I hate it, it makes me feel so frustrated, sad and all other negative emotions one can have. It has been good for quite a while but I had one tonight again.

    So as some of you know I work in this diner which turns into a bar at night. This group of 4 guys show up and take a seat outside to get a drink. A real fun bunch of guys. 3 of them were quite attractive. So I was done with work around the time they arrived and they were talking to some female friends of mine so I joined my friends and we were introduced. Turns out one of these guys (the most handsome one) was a model and he showed some pictures to my friends. And there it was: this intense feeling of jealousy. It was like a bomb of negative thoughts exploded in my head; I will never be as handsome as that, I will never get attention like him, he can get anyone he wants, I can't, I will never get a bf as handsome as him etc etc.. It makes me feel so frustrated and mad and to be honest I just want to burst out in tears then. I know how childish, right? It kind of startled me since I haven't felt this in at least a year and I thought I lost it, but turns out I didn't.. It's also really unfair to the guy cause he can't help it and he was also really nice.

    So I tried to explain it as good as I can, does any of you guys recognise this. And if so, how do you deal with it?

    I just tried to surpress it, had a drink and tried to enjoy the rest of the evening, but it is defintly a downer on the evening for me. Just to make things clear, I am usually never like this, I guess it's just one really negative aspect of me..


    TL;DR: How do you deal with jealousy?
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    Dude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing. I get jealous when one hot guy is having a flame war with someone else. Sometimes I know I just wanted to scream "PAY ME ATTENTION, SO-AND-SO!"

    You just have to take a step back and tell yourself to stop it. You have to tell yourself that you are an attractive person and you don't need the love or attention of some man to be happy. And you'll never get that attractive guy or be that attractive guy by acting negative and jealous. Focus on yourself and your positive qualities rather then other. Now admiration is fine and having a goal set by that is one thing but it's unhealthy to throw in the towel so quickly - it's the easy way out. He didn't get to that point by ease.

    What helps me is reminding myself that being in a relationship at all is overrated. Been there - done that. Enjoy the freedom you have by not being "famous" and attention grabbing. Those guys are like wind-up toys.

    Or when a guy is my age, my height and is super attractive - killer bod - thick and defined pecs and abs. You have to stand back and say that you simply aren't at that point yet. We maybe the same age, but I'll have my looks when I'm older. You're only 23.
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:08 AM GMT
    Me: Jealousy has never been in my blood. It doesn't serve a purpose in life. When my bf and I go out and he notices a really good looking guy, I'll either agree with him or say "meh...next!"

    You: It doesn't appear that jealousy is your problem but rather, it's coveting. Well, now that I think about it, coveting leads to jealousy! Anyhoo....there are different ways to deal with your jealousy but the way I would is think about the life of this model. It can't be easy for him to live his life. Think about it, he's getting all this attention but what happens when the attention stops? They usually go into some deep depression until they get the attention again. Who wants to live their life like that? I wouldn't!

    I hope you find a solution to your problem....
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:09 AM GMT


    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jul 03, 2013 1:15 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidDude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing. I get jealous when one hot guy is having a flame war with someone else. Sometimes I know I just wanted to scream "PAY ME ATTENTION, SO-AND-SO!"

    You just have to take a step back and tell yourself to stop it. You have to tell yourself that you are an attractive person and you don't need the love or attention of some man to be happy. And you'll never get that attractive guy or be that attractive guy by acting negative and jealous. Focus on yourself and your positive qualities rather then other. Now admiration is fine and having a goal set by that is one thing but it's unhealthy to throw in the towel so quickly - it's the easy way out. He didn't get to that point by ease.

    What helps me is reminding myself that being in a relationship at all is overrated. Been there - done that. Enjoy the freedom you have by not being "famous" and attention grabbing. Those guys are like wind-up toys.

    Or when a guy is my age, my height and is super attractive - killer bod - thick and defined pecs and abs. You have to stand back and say that you simply aren't at that point yet. We maybe the same age, but I'll have my looks when I'm older. You're only 23.



    This is what I try, it works usually but sometimes it's just such an intense feeling that nothing works for that moment.

    And thanks for your kind words
  • Nayro

    Posts: 1825

    Jul 03, 2013 1:15 AM GMT
    theantijock said


    Then envy is what I mean, I'm sorry, English is not my native language.
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    Daelin said I will never be as handsome as that, I will never get attention like him, he can get anyone he wants, I can't, I will never get a bf as handsome as him etc etc.. It makes me feel so frustrated and mad and to be honest I just want to burst out in tears then.


    And if you got a model-handsome boyfriend would that make you happy? Someone who can get anyone he wants most likely never has to learn to give in a relationship. Why bother with that, when he can get anyone he wants?
    Ordinary mortals learn that love has to be earned, not claimed as an entitlement due to their flawlessness.
    Being able to get anyone you want may not be something you should envy.

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    Jul 03, 2013 1:24 AM GMT
    Daelin said

    Then envy is what I mean, I'm sorry, English is not my native language.


    Your English is fine.

    I don't know your language but I'd imagine both concepts are expressed there as well. Regardless, now you know. So learn about what it is, how it functions and that could give you tools to understand why you might feel that way so that you can either purge it from yourself or at least minimize its influence over you so that you can both enjoy your life more and so that you can share in enjoying the good fortune of others.
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:27 AM GMT
    Daelin said
    IceBuckets saidDude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing. I get jealous when one hot guy is having a flame war with someone else. Sometimes I know I just wanted to scream "PAY ME ATTENTION, SO-AND-SO!"

    You just have to take a step back and tell yourself to stop it. You have to tell yourself that you are an attractive person and you don't need the love or attention of some man to be happy. And you'll never get that attractive guy or be that attractive guy by acting negative and jealous. Focus on yourself and your positive qualities rather then other. Now admiration is fine and having a goal set by that is one thing but it's unhealthy to throw in the towel so quickly - it's the easy way out. He didn't get to that point by ease.

    What helps me is reminding myself that being in a relationship at all is overrated. Been there - done that. Enjoy the freedom you have by not being "famous" and attention grabbing. Those guys are like wind-up toys.

    Or when a guy is my age, my height and is super attractive - killer bod - thick and defined pecs and abs. You have to stand back and say that you simply aren't at that point yet. We maybe the same age, but I'll have my looks when I'm older. You're only 23.



    This is what I try, it works usually but sometimes it's just such an intense feeling that nothing works for that moment.

    And thanks for your kind words

    You take that energy that you expending and use it to better yourself. I know I use that energy to stuff my face with food so I stop looking like the slim kid who just walked out of a concentration camp.
  • Generaleclect...

    Posts: 504

    Jul 03, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    Daelin said
    theantijock said


    Then envy is what I mean, I'm sorry, English is not my native language.


    A lot of native English speakers mix up those two words too. icon_razz.gif

    I think a bit of envy is healthy, but it's a bad sign when you base your self esteem on comparing yourself to others. Your reaction to his looks/lifestyle makes it seem like you're insecure about your own.

    It's a good thing that you're at least exploring these feelings, though.
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:44 AM GMT
    Envy and jealousy are pretty much the same thing but envy can be nicer.
    I'm pretty much envious of everyone since I don't know why I havent been able to jump start my life but I'm not bitter about it.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jul 03, 2013 1:45 AM GMT
    IceBuckets saidDude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing.


    lol! This is cute.
    xD
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:52 AM GMT
    Unintended saidNot that this will really help the OP but a good friend of my is a psychologist. He once told me that his most fucked up patients are the best looking ones.

    Generally speaking, I noticed a long time ago that really good looking people expect more and get unhinged faster.
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    Jul 03, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    Rene_Aensland said
    IceBuckets saidDude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing.


    lol! This is cute.
    xD

    icon_redface.gif

    I also get jealous when theres only one hot guy.
  • Rhi_Bran

    Posts: 904

    Jul 03, 2013 2:17 AM GMT
    Gotta agree with IceBuckets. No one fulfills every last one of their hearts' desires, so everyone will at some point feel such pangs. It comes in different flavors depending on the person and environment - passing envy, extreme bitterness, inexplicable sadness, etc. The mind realizes that the body cannot have what it and the heart desire the most at that point in time. Not without badly violating social etiquette. The restraint required to keep yourself from acting foolishly on your base desires thus generates those feelings. It's a kind of cognitive dissonance, which the mind really does not like.

    At least, that's what I heard from one of my psychology friends, who for the course of a few days would not shut up about the topic as it was the subject for one of her papers.

    If I might make a suggestion, never, ever drink after that kind of pang. It will not make it better. Alcohol eats away at your inhibitions which might cause you to do something incredibly stupid (obvious statement is obvious). Remove yourself from the area, talk to good friends about fun things, play games on your phone, do whatever it takes to draw your attention away from the source of those feelings.
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    Jul 03, 2013 2:20 AM GMT
    ihatemyself said
    IceBuckets saidDude - EVERYONE gets those feelings. I know I do. I get jealous by seeing two hot guys here talking about nothing. I get jealous when one hot guy is having a flame war with someone else. Sometimes I know I just wanted to scream "PAY ME ATTENTION, SO-AND-SO!"

    You just have to take a step back and tell yourself to stop it. You have to tell yourself that you are an attractive person and you don't need the love or attention of some man to be happy. And you'll never get that attractive guy or be that attractive guy by acting negative and jealous. Focus on yourself and your positive qualities rather then other. Now admiration is fine and having a goal set by that is one thing but it's unhealthy to throw in the towel so quickly - it's the easy way out. He didn't get to that point by ease.

    What helps me is reminding myself that being in a relationship at all is overrated. Been there - done that. Enjoy the freedom you have by not being "famous" and attention grabbing. Those guys are like wind-up toys.

    Or when a guy is my age, my height and is super attractive - killer bod - thick and defined pecs and abs. You have to stand back and say that you simply aren't at that point yet. We maybe the same age, but I'll have my looks when I'm older. You're only 23.


    well said. here's what i don't get. why do attractive people get envious of other attractive people? the op is not the first attractive person that i've seen getting all envious of the next person they deem attractive. it's ridiculously sad. smh.

    hell, i bet the op gets a whole lot of love and guys eyeing him up BUT he disregards it and is ready to go like "nobody likes me". i'm sure there's plenty of folks that like you op BUT out of those plenty of folks, you aren't one of those people that like you.

    To put it plainly; the grass is always greener. Theres always someone with a better jawline. Theres someone who has better eyes. Theres always someone with a better body. Someone whose nose isn't crooked. I think when you actually are attractive, the person tends to notice more flaws about themselves more easily.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 03, 2013 2:35 AM GMT
    Envy.
    You'll always find zillions of people with more than you have.
    You'll always find zillions of people with less than you have.

    What would make you happy ?
    I suspect that nothing would make you happy for very long.

    Are you an Aries ?
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    Jul 03, 2013 2:55 AM GMT
    There's a Yiddish expression: Trog gezunterhait! which means "wear it in good health!"

    Commonly heard as "Enjoy it in good health."

    Your friend gets a new car so you say to him "drive it in good health." or "enjoy it in good health".

    Being envious of your friend's good fortune robs you of knowing happiness for another's joy.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 03, 2013 3:03 AM GMT
    I've experienced career envy. It's a dark feeling.

    I really shudder at the thought of being envied, too.

    I think you should strive to be humble.

    Also, don't worry about what your future bf will look like it, otherwise you might miss him.
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    Jul 03, 2013 3:06 AM GMT
    theantijock said (Wikipedia Excerpt)

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Envy


    theantijock is on the right vibe here.

    Jealousy appears to be essentially a "fear of loss of attachment". (either real or perceived).

    Consider doing some reading on the psychology of "fear", "attachment" and "loss". I'm finding reading like this gives me insight on the roots of these concepts as well as the connection to the physiological symptoms triggered by these psychological states. With this form of "Emotional Intelligence" I'm finding that I am able to formulate and practice preplanned (and socially appropriate) response mechanisms to get me through these moments with poise, grace and serenity.

    Breathing is a common component of these response mechanisms.

    From my personal experience, I'm finding this introspective approach seems to work well with a wide range of emotions. I'm even finding that I can feel and identify multiple contrasting emotions simultaneously.

    Also, as part of the introspective approach, I'm finding value in tracing back to earlier life events which appear to be the seeds of certain fears, thus further aiding me in understanding the nature of these feelings. I find that asking "Why?" five times helps as a part of this exercise.

    A good coach, psychologist, or therapist is also helpful as a part of this process.
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    Jul 03, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    Anyone on here who says they've never been envious or jealous is flat out lying. Everyone possesses those feelings. It's normal. And OP, if you want to make yourself feel better about situations like this just think to yourself: "Okay, he's drop dead gorgeous..but I'm sure I'm smarter than him" or "I'm sure I have a bigger dick". icon_wink.gif

    And, looks mean nothing. My sister is absolutely gorgeous. You should see the man she chose to be her husband...he's not even cute...but he got her and that means a lot. So stop fussin' over the little things.
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    Jul 03, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    theantijock saidThere's a Yiddish expression: Trog gezunterhait! which means "wear it in good health!"

    Commonly heard as "Enjoy it in good health."

    Your friend gets a new car so you say to him "drive it in good health." or "enjoy it in good health".

    Being envious of your friend's good fortune robs you of knowing happiness for another's joy.


    In Yiddish there is also the concept of "Naches". Loosely translated, "feeling joy when you see others feeling joy".

    There is wisdom in theantijock's words.
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    Jul 03, 2013 3:11 AM GMT
    Also from the Wikipedia...

    Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents' pride in their children's accomplishments or one's own excitement for friends' and others' successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.

    I learned a new word today! Yay!
  • TannerMasseur

    Posts: 7893

    Jul 03, 2013 3:41 AM GMT
    Life isn't fair. Some were lucky enough to be born with just the right genes to become a model. Envy sucks! We all have a tendency to compare our lives to others, wishing things were different or wishing we had it better than we do. But all one can do is make the most of what u were born with. And be thankful for what u do have. It could be worse.....

    Don't u hate when someone says the above, trying to make u feel better about ur disposition & station in life? Ur leading an average life with average looks. Man that sucks! But it could be worse. I'm so happy for my friend, he's a model while I work a menial job because I'm not good-looking enough to be a model like my friend. Man that sucks! Be happy for him?! I want him to get in a car accident & have his face burned off but live so he'll be physically scarred for life & can't model for shit! Thats what I want! Fuck that being happy for someone else!

    Now wasn't that what u were really thinking?! Aren't u glad u got that off ur chest?! It's like screaming at the top of ur lungs on top of a mountain or reinforced sound chamber icon_smile.gif .....
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    Jul 03, 2013 3:59 AM GMT
    GAMRican said
    theantijock saidThere's a Yiddish expression: Trog gezunterhait! which means "wear it in good health!"

    Commonly heard as "Enjoy it in good health."

    Your friend gets a new car so you say to him "drive it in good health." or "enjoy it in good health".

    Being envious of your friend's good fortune robs you of knowing happiness for another's joy.


    In Yiddish there is also the concept of "Naches". Loosely translated, "feeling joy when you see others feeling joy".

    There is wisdom in theantijock's words.


    Reading this I was going to mention empathy and then I read your next post which says just exactly what I was going to say. I didn't know there was a word for it, so good sharing on that, thanx.

    Empathy is the anti-envy. I've been into this since I was a little kid, very sensitive about my friends feelings especially if I got something that they didn't. Birthday parties--you might notice I don't participate in those threads--were a problem for me because mom would throw them and invite my little friends who never got one of their own. That would make me feel badly for them when I was supposed to be feeling happy so I studied my feelings from very early in life.

    And my mom was seriously known for this compersion--our word for the day just added to spell check--among our family and friends. My mother loved nothing more than receiving good news about someone else. She delighted in the good fortune of others.

    And I was going to even put something in the first post as warning but decided against it but I guess it fits here now that we're on empathy. From the wiki entry on envy:

    "Narcissists

    Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are often envious of others or believe others are envious of them.[13]

    A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability by using contempt to minimize the other person"


    And of course one of the markers of narcissism is the lack of or inability or disconnect from empathy. So, GAMRican, you're right on target. Good thinking.