Dating problem concern... legit advice only please.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 04, 2013 11:56 PM GMT
    Hey guys... So this is my first time ever really using this site for something other than browsing around, but I could really use some solid advice right now from someone with more experience than I. I'm finally at a point in my life where I could date. Although I'm still a student, I'm financially stable. I'm out, and have a solid family who supports me and great friends. I'm also finally in a city where I'm not moving in the foreseeable future (unlike college, where I was back and forth between home and school).

    I've dated before, and certainly had my heart crushed. I know the feeling of having great feelings for someone and then getting that text that says they're over it. We've all said it and we've all heard it and being on either end is not fun. However, lately it seems like I've been the one to SEND the "I'm sorry, you're just not really what I'm looking for text." After a few days/weeks of texting, getting to know each other, I just find that they don't have what I'm looking for. Unfortunately, I don't really know what that is. I have a vague conception of it, but I have always found that a lot of why I lose interest in a guy is due to a lack of physical attraction.

    I've recently been talking (casually) to a guy now who's absolutely wonderful. He's head over heels for me. He's just not really what I'm interested in physically. I joined RJ for a reason... and simply put he's just not the kind of guy who would join this site. I don't mean that in a catty way or a rude way, he's just not.

    I've never been the kind of gay guy to play into the stereotypes. I don't frequent gay bars and I try to avoid Grindr and other sites as much as possible.

    I guess I'm just looking for some advice in terms of "breaking up" (Breaking up as in... telling a guy I'm not interested.) I feel like I'm breaking too many hearts and it's creating some bad karma out there. I don't like knowing that I seriously hurt a guy's feelings, because I know EXACTLY how it feels to hear those words. I'm sure there's a bit of... skill... to dating, and if any of you guys could pass it along to me, I'd really appreciate it.

    Thanks for hearing me out, and for whatever words you could offer.

    Mike V.
  • Apparition

    Posts: 3525

    Jul 05, 2013 2:42 AM GMT
    orchestrate a huge fight...breaking up will follow naturally.

    if you put some weird requirement in your next dating profile online, something nobody does, or everyone does, you could always refer to it when you want to break up and he will think wtf...this guys is crazy Im glad he left rather than why baby why.

    --

    "I'm sorry dude...I just can't date anyone who has formica countertops...I thought I could change - but I can't since 'the indicent'." or something
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2013 2:52 AM GMT
    How greener is the grass on the other side?
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    Jul 05, 2013 3:02 AM GMT
    mdveight saidAfter a few days/weeks of texting, getting to know each other, I just find that they don't have what I'm looking for. Unfortunately, I don't really know what that is. I have a vague conception of it, but I have always found that a lot of why I lose interest in a guy is due to a lack of physical attraction.

    I can't provide any advice when you're the one doing the breakup, because the few times I had to do it myself it was in conjunction with a physical relocation, which provided the excuse without hurt feelings.

    But I am struck by your apparent lack of clear goals & purpose in your dating. Maybe if you could refine that a bit you would solve your problem at the source, and not be trying to correct things afterwards.

    If physical attraction is an important criteria for you, isn't it quickly evident who's attractive to you and who isn't? Why go past the first meeting or date, or exchange of online pics, if the guy doesn't strike a chord with you? If you're that selective in appearances, then maybe you need to be more selective from the git-go with guys.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2013 5:37 AM GMT
    Have you actually met these guys? Its hardly a 'breakup' if you have never met.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2013 5:29 PM GMT
    hairyandym saidHave you actually met these guys? Its hardly a 'breakup' if you have never met.


    Yeah, have you met this guy in RL?
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    Jul 05, 2013 9:30 PM GMT
    mdveight said
    I've never been the kind of gay guy to play into the stereotypes. I don't frequent gay bars and I try to avoid Grindr and other sites as much as possible.


    Then where the hell are you meeting these guys then if you're not putting yourself out there?

    There's really not much wrong with going to gay bars to meet someone. I have better success there than any dating app/website. The key is developing friends along the way, while meeting guys. Eventually you meet friends who will introduce you to their friends and the pressure eases up. I agree with Art_Deco, you just don't seem to know what you want.
  • Jessie_Lee

    Posts: 113

    Jul 05, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    If there was a "good" way to breakup with someone, I'm sure it would have been discovered a LONG time ago. In short, there's no "good" way to breakup with someone, just the least objectionable choice.

    Tell it to him straight out that it's not going to work out, that you don't want to lead him on, that you don't feel the attraction. Keep it as simple and honest as possible, but be tactful and try to be considerate of his emotions/feelings. Do so in a private setting.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2013 9:45 PM GMT
    I would encourage you to be more upfront, initially, with your attraction to prospective suitors, and what the specifics of your demographic deal-breakers are (e.g. height range, age, and waist size). Rather than leaving it as a, "vague conception," of the type of guys you are attracted to, spend some time defining it and then make it explicit if it is important to you.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4434

    Jul 05, 2013 10:01 PM GMT
    You sound confused to me and with some issues regarding self image (reading this and your profile). Are you sure your expectations are realistic? Why don't you know from the first pic, meet, whatever whether the guy you're talking to is up to your standards? To answer your question, YOU figure out if you're interested in the first few conversations before anyone is invested and it is easy enough to back away without hurt feelings. Ya know, some of those guys might become good friends even if they're not buff enough to keep your attention physically.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 05, 2013 10:11 PM GMT
    Don't date people you aren't attracted to, its not really going to work out. But at the same time, don't try to only aim for people way out of your league...
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    Jul 05, 2013 10:28 PM GMT
    You're not breaking up if you haven't been actually dating a guy in real life for a while. Talking/texting/chatting doesn't count. So I can't tell if you're talking about how to say you're not interested or how to break up with a boyfriend. I'm guessing the former.

    I think it is almost never helpful to go down the punch list of why you're not interested in a guy. It's better to say something like, "I see us as being friends." or "I'm interested in someone else." or "I'm not looking to date right now." or "I don't see it working out between us." This spares the other person's ego, which is already getting the blow of rejection. It acknowledges that the reason is you, not him. It is definitive that he should look elsewhere. You can even preface it with a compliment, like "You're a great guy, but ...."

    If he asks why, you should still really spare his ego in that moment of vulnerability.

    Now if it's a boyfriend, you owe him a lot more candor than that. Still, kindness and empathy are the key.
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    Jul 06, 2013 12:27 AM GMT
    It's not that hard... Don't start things up with someone you aren't attracted to. Rocket science this isn't.

    Don't be drawn into the moral vanity that says a beautiful soul is all it takes to have a relationship. It's not. We set ourselves up for failure by insisting on this impossible moral position before we even have a significant other. A relationship is physical too, and your problem here seems to be that you keep running into reality.

    Go ahead and only start building something with a guy you'd actually have sex with.
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 06, 2013 12:36 AM GMT
    dude, as long as you are not leading them on than you have nothing to worry about. if you are not into someone than you are not into them. anyhow, dude just do you and be happy. if you are a good guy than you will the guy whom you truly want
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 06, 2013 1:36 AM GMT
    Larkin saidIt's not that hard... Don't start things up with someone you aren't attracted to. Rocket science this isn't.

    Don't be drawn into the moral vanity that says a beautiful soul is all it takes to have a relationship. It's not. We set ourselves up for failure by insisting on this impossible moral position before we even have a significant other. A relationship is physical too, and your problem here seems to be that you keep running into reality.

    Go ahead and only start building something with a guy you'd actually have sex with.


    OP is going to face some serious hypocrite opposition if he is to follow your simple but wise advice. Physical attraction is a delicate topic for many because it deals with fatalities: you can't change your age, your height; there are also limits on how much you can do to change your face, your body and so on. Physical preferences are seemingly immutable and they are highly converging, which creates huge competition for some specific types and it's never fun to realize that what you want is what everybody else wants.

    OP, there is no romance without physical attraction. Straight guys don't fall in love with their straight guy friends even though they have many things that make romantic relationships successful: companionship, fidelity, respect, identification, common interests. Physical attraction can be the difference between being just a friend and being the love of your life. Physical attraction certainly isn't sufficient, many other things are necessary, but without it, there's only friendship at best.

    Once you realize how physical attraction is determinant to YOU, you will realize that those you want deserve someone they find attractive too. You will then take the necessary steps to transform yourself -- if need be -- into something that the guys you want want.
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    Jul 06, 2013 1:40 AM GMT
    ART_DECO saidIf physical attraction is an important criteria for you, isn't it quickly evident who's attractive to you and who isn't? Why go past the first meeting or date, or exchange of online pics, if the guy doesn't strike a chord with you? If you're that selective in appearances, then maybe you need to be more selective from the git-go with guys.


    Exactly! No need to let down guys if you already knew from the start that it wouldn't work. Rejection hurts less if it comes sooner.
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    bachian said
    OP, there is no romance without physical attraction. Straight guys don't fall in love with their straight guy friends even though they have many things that make romantic relationships successful: companionship, fidelity, respect, identification, common interests. Physical attraction can be the difference between being just a friend and being the love of your life. Physical attraction certainly isn't sufficient, many other things are necessary, but without it, there's only friendship at best.


    1zea1om.jpg

    If you could have a real romantic relationship without physical attraction, you could just marry a woman and we wouldn't be having this discussion on a gay website.