Just Got Broken Up With - Would Love Some Advice!

  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Jul 05, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    So first I want to be totally honest, I'm a pretty active poster on RJ but I don't like to talk about my personal life too publicly...so this is a sock account. Sorry if that bugs anyone.

    So I've been in a monogamous relationship with a guy my age (21) for about a year and a month now...well, I guess until today. To keep it very short, he broke up with me because he felt like he wasn't in love with me anymore, nor could he ever be...at least right now. He said he loved me like an amazing friend but eventually realized his feelings for me had shifted to just platonic over the past 6 months or so.

    To give a little background, we are both each other's first real relationship (we've dated other guys for short periods of time). We go to school in the same city, share a group of friends, and get along incredibly well. Even if he were to give this story, he would say the same thing: on paper we are a perfect fit. In terms of our dynamic, we fight about a max of once per month, and neither of us likes to yell so our arguments are always resolved just through a pretty even-tempered conversation. Our hobbies and interests align incredibly well...I know this probably the result of my bad naiveté, but I honestly thought he could be the guy I settled down with years down the road.

    The other important thing to know is that for the first ~6 months of our relationship he was probably more "into" it than I was, partially because I felt his relationship with his mother was getting in the way of us(he used to talk to her on the phone on our dates for about 20 minutes because he has to talk to her for that long every day). I never told him that until later, but it affected how I viewed him. However, I started to resent him about and - I didn't realize this until recently - but I began subconsciously lashing out at him because I didn't feel I was his first priority as he was mine (very immature, I know).

    Very long story short, this continued for the latter half of our relationship and eventually my lashing out led to him resenting me (which I totally understand). If I had realized the impact I was having back then, I would have stopped. Again, we wouldn't argue - but he would end up doing more for me than I did for him, and I guess deep down I thought it was justified because of our apparent disparity in how we felt about each other (like he owed me in some way).

    Now we broke up a month ago because he resented me too much, and I realized all the mistakes I had made and apologized profusely. He took me back, and our relationship was pretty much excellent for the past month. However, he still hasn't gotten any of his real feelings back, and he ultimately thinks we should just be friends because he'd never get his feelings back. I disagree, I just think it would take a little more time of us being on this good track for him to get there again (because he was there before)...but I also know that could be my lack of dating experience talking.

    I just wanted to know if you guys thought I should accept his wishes and just try to move on with my life, even though in my heart I really feel like this guy is someone who I want to be with for a very long time, or if I should fight for it. The reason I am so confident things would be better is that the person he did fall in love with a year ago is the person I am with my friends/family/etc...I just treated him not so well (I didn't treat him badly at all, just not as well as I treat others) because of how I was feeling.

    Do you think it's a lost cause? Also as a last thing, his main concern is that he isn't in love with me, but he's also never been in love with anyone (through a few past relationships), so I don't know if that factors in. Also sorry for the long post/thank you for reading!
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    Jul 05, 2013 9:37 PM GMT

    I'm not really sure how you would go about fighting for him. His feelings or lack are his feelings. If you somehow coerced or felt you had changed him so that he had all those feelings, would you feel they were genuine, or just a going-through-the-motions to please you?

    The best thing you can do is do what he's asking. If there is a real lover's love there it will surface on its own..

  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Jul 05, 2013 10:42 PM GMT
    Thanks for your response!

    The only hope I have/the only thing inhibiting me from just moving on is that I know how well we worked before I started lashing out, and we were getting better when that stopped...it just kinda feels like he bailed before any real progress could have been made.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Jul 05, 2013 10:46 PM GMT
    I'm going through a similar thing with my break up (minus the mummy issues)
    Way I see it there's no point fighting for it. If you did fight for it and got back together, you would always be the one that loves him more, the one that put the effort into the relationship

    and he will always be the one who backed out, and only came back to you after you pushed him.

    I would let him go, if he comes back to you then you can decide what to do next(personally i still wouldnt go back to him cus you know he will always have doubts)
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    Jul 05, 2013 11:23 PM GMT
    Lesson learned.. Resentment is toxic.

    Time apart and a friendship might be your only chance to 'level' with each other.

    OP..where is this resentment coming from anyway?
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    Jul 05, 2013 11:35 PM GMT
    If you both feel a desire to salvage the relationship, I suggest a period of couples counseling to assess if the relationship can be salvaged. You should know in about 1-2 months max if you both can overcome the past and move forward together. Or, move forward as individuals.

    In any case, both of you may be able to learn a lot from the shared experience.
  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Jul 05, 2013 11:48 PM GMT
    Thanks a lot guys!

    I agree with Jackooh in a lot of ways, but the biggest thing holding me back is that I feel culpable for the situation in a lot of ways. Isn't the one in the wrong the one who's also supposed to bear the responsibility for fixing it?

    And to anocxu, the source of resentment pretty much came from the fact that he has certain relationships in his life that are SO incredibly involved that it was hard for me to find a place in his life - at least a place that I thought was fitting. These are pretty toxic relationships that go way back (long before he and I met), so when I finally realized he doesn't want to be neglecting me (he just doesn't know any better because he has so many of those relationships) it was too late in his mind.

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    Jul 06, 2013 1:49 AM GMT
    First of all a big hug for you. Sometimes relationships come to an end even when we don't want them to. It seems like he has made up his mind about moving on and the more you try to cling on the more you are going to get hurt.
    Me and my partner broke up recently because of the circumstances even though we still love each other and care about each other. It hurt a lot then and it still hurts. But at the same time the more I think about it, the more I realize that it was the right decision for us right now. Do I doubt that, surely but hurting now is better than letting the relationship run to the ground and destroy all that we shared.
    Take some time away from him and see if you can figure out what part of the relationship you crave the most and what the least. If you need space for doing that, do that. Breaking up is usually pretty hard but it also gives you an opportunity to rediscover yourself.
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:33 AM GMT
    Back off and play it cool. People don't want what they can easily have, but even if they do want it they won't give it as much respect as something hard fought for and won.

    Make him want you by moving on with your life. Date, go out, be seen having a good time. Do it even if you have to do an Oscar winning performance. If he talks to you, be cordial but reserved. No gushing. No wide-ass smiles. Cool and calculated. It will eat him alive to see how you've moved on without him.

    If he has any feelings for you he will try to win you back. If he doesn't, what have you lost but someone you never really had.

    I speak from experience.

    EDIT: I wouldn't have a boy who needed to talk to his mommy everyday, especially during our dates!
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:45 AM GMT
    'Just Got Broken Up With' .. First, I suggest you learn how to speak properly! icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jul 06, 2013 4:29 AM GMT
    Give yourself some time to grieve the loss of this relationship. I don't think there is anything you can do. Your ex made a decision to end the relationship, and you already tried to have a reconciliation.

    I would move forward, but spend time on your own and with friends. Discuss the relationship with others, and analyze what you gave and what you got from the relationship. What do you know now that you did not when you went into it? At your age, you will find every relationship will teach you about yourself and what you need from others.

    My heart goes out to you, bro. It isn't easy to go through a break up.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jul 06, 2013 4:39 AM GMT
    Dude...I'll be honest...He wants to swim in different waters...Let him do so...There's a possibility he may return after seeing the vast amount of assholes he has to choose from..In the meanwhile...love yourself..work on yourself...Experience life..All the best.
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    Jul 06, 2013 4:50 AM GMT


    For some reason this is reminding me of a very old Pointer Sisters song; don't do this OP!:




    "As I come of age
    I keep fallin' down
    And I feel just like a schoolboy
    I was in a senseless rage
    Runnin' too hard
    And I tore you all to pieces

    Yes but it's all over now
    I'm a little bit older now
    The lessons that I'm learnin' now
    Gonna make it easy
    Somehow

    Now then can I try
    Starting over
    Put the pieces back together
    Even as I cry bitter tears
    I can see it's all a puzzle
    A game
    Always the same

    By the time I die with the passing
    If I've sorted out my changes
    And if you could take the time
    I would tell you that it's still a puzzle
    The same
    Always a game.."
  • cephalopod

    Posts: 24

    Jul 06, 2013 1:42 PM GMT
    Look at this way: he revealed something very intimate to you - the nature of his relationship with his mother. You betrayed that trust by judging it. It's very difficult to repair broken trust. In my experience, it can only be done if there's already a really deep bond, and even then, only with a lot of work.
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    Jul 06, 2013 1:43 PM GMT
    What Aristo said. Think of this relationship as a training exercise that taught you some things about sustaining intimacy with another person.
    You are both 21. Before you can be ready for a lasting relationship you need to learn more about who you are, what your real needs are, and who you want to become.
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    Jul 06, 2013 1:53 PM GMT
    mybud saidDude...I'll be honest...He wants to swim in different waters...Let him do so...There's a possibility he may return after seeing the vast amount of assholes he has to choose from..In the meanwhile...love yourself..work on yourself...Experience life..All the best.
    This right here.

    If this is the end you take the lessons learned (good and bad), be grateful that you had the experience and move forward with your life.
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    There's an art to wooing someone. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:34 PM GMT
    eagledreamer said
    And to anocxu, the source of resentment pretty much came from the fact that he has certain relationships in his life that are SO incredibly involved that it was hard for me to find a place in his life - at least a place that I thought was fitting. These are pretty toxic relationships that go way back (long before he and I met)


    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

    Answers so much more questions..

    You shouldn't be struggling to fit in your lover's life..

    He was not giving you what you needed.

    It was so selfish of him to put you in that position to begin with..

    #youdeservebetter!

    Hugz.
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:40 PM GMT
    Anocxu said
    eagledreamer said
    And to anocxu, the source of resentment pretty much came from the fact that he has certain relationships in his life that are SO incredibly involved that it was hard for me to find a place in his life - at least a place that I thought was fitting. These are pretty toxic relationships that go way back (long before he and I met)


    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

    Answers so much more questions..

    You shouldn't be struggling to fit in your lover's life..

    He was not giving you what you needed.

    It was so selfish of him to put you in that position to begin with..

    #youdeservebetter!

    Hugz.


    hmmm maybe it was more of an ideal that was shattered by the reality. it sounded like the OP was expecting his ex to treat him like he was his "everything". I think it's a little unrealistic to expect that.

    the OP and the Ex hopefully learned a lot from this experience.
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:46 PM GMT
    You want him back? Don't try too hard or you might scare him away. Pretend he never meant anything to you. Ignore him. And if he likes you, he will come crawling back.

    But if you treated him bad, you both might be better with some time apart. Maybe try a new approach with a new boyfriend?
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    Jul 06, 2013 2:52 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    I'm not really sure how you would go about fighting for him. His feelings or lack are his feelings. If you somehow coerced or felt you had changed him so that he had all those feelings, would you feel they were genuine, or just a going-through-the-motions to please you?

    The best thing you can do is do what he's asking. If there is a real lover's love there it will surface on its own..



    He sounds like a Moma's boy. That is tuff to deal with in a gay or straight relationship. Dont expect that to change anytime soon. Some guys never break those ties and it a source of frustration for the partner. There are tons of novels and movies about this phenomenon. Since he has already kicked you to the curb because of the competition with mom
    you should move on . Maybe he will grow up someday .
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    Jul 06, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    eagledreamer he still hasn't gotten any of his real feelings back


    Just a thought... All feelings are real and the fact that you want him to have certain feelings for you do not make those he has or do not have for you any less real.

    I would say: get over it. He showed you who he was and you didn't like it, so accept it and save yourself a boring guilt trip. Your feelings for him are your feelings for who you believed him to be, not for who he chose to be.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 3:36 AM GMT
    After a breakup always follow the policy of NC. I know it is hard, but NO CONTACT is the only way to heal. I've also found it effective at getting ex-boyfriends to return. However, if it didn't work the first time and issues are not fixed, the second time is doomed as well.