Am I controlling and insecure?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 2:37 AM GMT
    I am new to the forums here. I actually joined because, after reading through several of the past threads, I was impressed with the advice/honesty that was offered.

    My situation... my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 8 months now. We've faced a lot of obstacles and challenges in that short time. We've worked through most of them and there is a lot of love, admiration and appreciation between the two of us. Although sometimes clouded by our individual ways of thinking, I would say that our ability to communicate well/healthy is fairly good... and all that ceases when it comes to this issue.

    My boyfriend posts nude photos and jack-off videos of himself online. Not just on amateur websites, but also in private messages, forums and blogs in which he personally knows some, if not a lot of the members. Some of them are past hook-ups and current friends. I discovered it quite innocently. My boyfriend had synced our phones so as to share some apps that he had purchased with me. Within moments of him doing so, I began receiving messages from a coworker of his about the hot jack-off video that my boyfriend had sent him. I immediately brought his attention to it and, after realizing his embarrassment with the situation, made light of it and told him that I didn't get it, but "it is what it is" and let it go. A bit later that night, he sent me a link to the website on which this video had been published, which led us to a discussion about his making that sole video months before we had met as a bucket list sort-of thing. All was fine.

    A couple of weeks later, my boyfriend shared with me a nude photo that someone had posted online. I noticed that he had commented directly to the person in the photo on the post and asked him about the website. He proceeded to let me know that it was a private, by invitation only, group of which he was a member. He then showed me pictures and videos that he had posted. For me, this opened up the topic for conversation. I began questioning him as to his motives for being a member of this newly formed group and about his participation in posting. He immediately became defensive, told me that in order to be a member that he had to post and that he didn't see a big deal with it at all. I tried to explain that I was merely trying to understand. I, myself, have never been into that at all and so I was approaching the subject with curiosity as anyone, I think, would... like talking about fetish's. He cut the conversation off quickly, telling me that I am not as open sexually as him and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. If it bothered me, then he wouldn't do it. That's where it was left

    Now I should interject that, although we are extremely compatible, sexually, we have very different views on sex. I am a monogamous individual who has had limited sexual partners, viewing sex as spiritual and emotional, unable to detach those aspects from the act itself. My boyfriend is a monogamous individual who has had many sexual partners, viewing sex as being spiritual and emotional and capable of detaching those aspects as to viewing sex as nothing but an activity easily shared between two consenting individuals. We each come with a past full of experiences. I easily accept this.

    Fast forward to a few weeks ago... I found that he had posted a more recent video on the website he had given me the link to. I asked him about it... again with the defensiveness, telling me that it's no different than looking at porn and then, with no provocation to do so, he discontinued his membership in the forums and took down his videos. He then told me that he understands that it takes time for trust to be built in relationships and that he would wait until that trust existed between us before posting again.

    Since the last confrontation, I've noticed a marked decrease in his sex drive and a change in how he speaks to me, treating me as if he needs my approval for everything. I, finally, asked him if he thinks that I'm controlling and he said yes. That it's the whole trust thing (which I have never said anything about), that he would never cheat on me and that he understand that I have a lot of insecurities. Not the ideal of how you want your boyfriend and lover to view you... unless you are intentionally that kind of person, which I am not. How I'm left feeling about all of it is that I want very little if not nothing to do with it. At first, I had suggested that, after losing a bit more weight, maybe we could experiment with it together. I'm not there anymore.

    I am a bit insecure with my body, but that is my own, personal issue separate from this situation. For me, personally, I do not understand why he is soo wanting/needing to post. Since all of this has taken place, my opinion of the entire situation has changed. I understand that we all do certain things online when we are single, but in a relationship, those things are no longer needed and sometimes even inappropriate.

    I guess why I am posting is to find out, firstly, if I am seeming controlling and insecure. Secondly, to ask if my view is skewed... I've been told by him repeatedly that my view on sex and relationships are not the norm in the gay community. Lastly, to ask for advice on how to approach this situation with him... do I overlook my own hurt and personal feelings and tell him that I want him to go back to posting, just so our sex life can return to normal? I don't know, honestly, how to approach it at all. Any sincere advice would be most appreciated. Thanks.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 3:29 AM GMT
    Never overlook your own feelings. That is a no-no. You do not like him participating in such activities and I completely understand. It is opening a door to a world of trouble. He sounds manipulative. Attempting to get his way by making you feel bad and blaming it on you. As you said, your insecurities have nothing to do with the relationship. However, if you continue to allow him to engage in this behavior it will eventually cause true insecurity in the relationship. He does not view sex as something sacred between two people, and he is visiting websites to engage in online sexual activities with others, what else is he willing to do? Do not ignore your instincts on this one. Discuss this with him and reach a compromise that satisfies everyone's emotional needs or re-evaluate the relationship.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jul 07, 2013 1:04 PM GMT
    bakerbaker said

    My boyfriend posts nude photos and jack-off videos of himself online. Not just on amateur websites, but also in private messages, forums and blogs in which he personally knows some, if not a lot of the members. Some of them are past hook-ups and current friends. I discovered it quite innocently. My boyfriend had synced our phones so as to share some apps that he had purchased with me. Within moments of him doing so, I began receiving messages from a coworker of his about the hot jack-off video that my boyfriend had sent him.


    Fuck no.
    I'm sorry buddy, but this isn't worth it.
    You deserve much, much more than this.

    This is such an alienating situation for someone that is not used to relationships like this and it will continue to fuck with your head.
    Fuck that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 1:22 PM GMT
    As with any relationship, unless we are getting our needs met in the relationship, we will look outside it to meet our unmet needs. What are his unmet needs? Are you aware of them? What are yours?

    On the surface it would seem that he also experiences an internal conflict. On the one hand, he wants to please and receive your approval; on the other, he's not getting his needs met. His logging off of those sites, that once met his needs, no longer gives him a fill, but then at the same time, he grows frustrated because he's not getting what he needs from you. Ultimately, he may blame you for his conflict and project that you're "controlling and insecure". You may or may not be, that's not the point—it's just a perception due to built up conflict and frustration. You're the closest stimulus to blame.

    The important matter is: you need to identify what he needs from you—what he truly needs. And he needs to understand what you truly need from him. His posting online obviously does bother you very much. Why? What is it that you need from him? What is the relationship lacking to make it dynamic, fulfilling and passionate?

    This is a start. As I mentioned, the matter of being controlling and insecure is really a nonissue—it's also very self-concerned, when right now, you need not be concerned about you. Examine together what you need from each other and address how you can meet each other there. Until you both do that, this relationship as it is has no hope of reviving passion and connectedness. It's just a silly blame dance you two do before eventually going your separate ways. Relationships take committed effort; most would just give up (as some would suggest, not knowing your history and emotional investment). If you love each other, which I think you do, then do what it takes to make it work.

    If you feel you cannot do this yourselves for whatever reasons (lack of objectivity, etc.), then I suggest having a professional third-party like a relationship counselor guide you through it. All the best!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 3:31 PM GMT
    actually, it sounds as though he's the insecure one.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Jul 07, 2013 3:47 PM GMT
    90DegreesSouth saidactually, it sounds as though he's the insecure one.


    yeah... also the whole viewing and posting vids/clips and being on sexual fourms... it doesn't seem like direct monogamy, but if you do both love each other... then you should be able to work something out.

    when he says you're being controlling and insecure, has he ever provided evidence to go with it?

    by the sounds of it some relationship counselling doesn't seem like a bad idea.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 4:47 PM GMT
    Since he has caught the biggest fish in the sea, why is he still fishing?????? Truth be told you are not compatible, i know that opposite are suppose to attract, but even opposite need to be close to each other in order for them to attrach. You and this guy are north and south pole, meeting at the equator will be next to impossible. Jussss sayin
  • rac4437

    Posts: 105

    Jul 07, 2013 6:00 PM GMT
    Move on!!!! Been through that! Not worth it! icon_cry.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 10:06 PM GMT
    End it. Move on.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 10:15 PM GMT
    TerraFirma saidAs with any relationship, unless we are getting our needs met in the relationship, we will look outside it to meet our unmet needs. What are his unmet needs? Are you aware of them? What are yours?

    On the surface it would seem that he also experiences an internal conflict. On the one hand, he wants to please and receive your approval; on the other, he's not getting his needs met. His logging off of those sites, that once met his needs, no longer gives him a fill, but then at the same time, he grows frustrated because he's not getting what he needs from you. Ultimately, he may blame you for his conflict and project that you're "controlling and insecure". You may or may not be, that's not the point—it's just a perception due to built up conflict and frustration. You're the closest stimulus to blame.

    The important matter is: you need to identify what he needs from you—what he truly needs. And he needs to understand what you truly need from him. His posting online obviously does bother you very much. Why? What is it that you need from him? What is the relationship lacking to make it dynamic, fulfilling and passionate?

    This is a start. As I mentioned, the matter of being controlling and insecure is really a nonissue—it's also very self-concerned, when right now, you need not be concerned about you. Examine together what you need from each other and address how you can meet each other there. Until you both do that, this relationship as it is has no hope of reviving passion and connectedness. It's just a silly blame dance you two do before eventually going your separate ways. Relationships take committed effort; most would just give up (as some would suggest, not knowing your history and emotional investment). If you love each other, which I think you do, then do what it takes to make it work.

    If you feel you cannot do this yourselves for whatever reasons (lack of objectivity, etc.), then I suggest having a professional third-party like a relationship counselor guide you through it. All the best!


    Very good advice. Just when I have about given up on you, you surprise me. icon_biggrin.gif

    I think the "dump him" advice is too facile. Your bf is who he is. You need to look inside yourself and ask whether you accept him, in all his Internet j/o glory, or keep looking for the guy who is right for you - keeping in mind that no one is completely perfect. To your bf's credit, he has been open and communicative about his desires.

    Best of luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 10:19 PM GMT
    Just downgrade to being really good friends with benefits. That way, you're not feeling like you're being cheated on and can find a guy who is more your speed, and he is not left feeling guilty, which will make his sexual urges even stronger. You can both be good guys here.

    My take.
  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 08, 2013 1:46 PM GMT
    Run like your hair's on fire. That sounds like a text book dysfunctional relationship and if you're recognizing even a small part of it, get out.

    And good luck.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jul 11, 2013 3:42 PM GMT
    bakerbaker saidfirstly, if I am seeming controlling and insecure. Secondly, to ask if my view is skewed... I've been told by him repeatedly that my view on sex and relationships are not the norm in the gay community. Lastly, to ask for advice on how to approach this situation with him... do I overlook my own hurt and personal feelings and tell him that I want him to go back to posting, just so our sex life can return to normal? I don't know, honestly, how to approach it at all. Any sincere advice would be most appreciated. Thanks.


    No, based off what you wrote, you are not controlling... maybe a little insecure, but that's okay.

    Who cares what the "norm" is in the gay community. There is no "norm", the community is so scattered, everyone is different. If you're in a relationship and your partner does something that makes you feel uncomfortable/insecure, before you mention it, ask yourself why? What are your feelings on the matter and what's your fear? When you've decided that this isn't something that you can just ignore, talk to your partner about how YOU feel. Talk to him, not at him. Which by your post, it sounds like you did.

    Your boyfriend talked about trust. It's a two way street. You have to give me a reason to trust you as do I have to do it back. So, if you're posting nude pics and videos of yourself and chatting with who knows online and I'm telling you that's making me uncomfortable. You can not say that I'm wrong or that I don't trust you...

    I'm glad from your post it sounds like, whenever he posts something, he tells you about it and shows you. If he were to keep it secret, that would be a red flag. I'm a little uncomfortable with the fact that he would share these intimate things with coworkers and maybe friends. Again, relationships are about trust, if he's willingly giving these private things to coworkers and people he has access to on a daily basis, this wouldn't necessarily show trust, especially at the beginning of a relationship and since he knows the gay community all so well, he would know that some guys don't care that you're in a relationship, so he would be careful about sharing stuff like this, because some guys will see it as an invitation. All-in-all, have a talk with him about how YOU feel and compromise with each other. Never compromise on your feelings, if something makes you uncomfortable, stand to it after deciding how much you can live with or without it happening in your life.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 11, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    Sometimes guys develop addictions when single. There's no external constraints. When you asked him about the postings he got defensive because probably he knew it was on the edge of porn and it made him feel good. Dopamine. So he got agitated when his "fix" was threatened. And lashed out a bit. But he quit at your request. Give him credit there. He's trying. And as to his reduced sex drive, just give him time. He'll return to normal. The controlling and insecure question? I don't think so. You're allowed to have feelings and likes and dislikes. Even some insecurities. Most of us do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 4:28 PM GMT
    Good luck with everything. In my book, his inconsiderate behavior would be a deal-breaker. You deserve better.
  • stol

    Posts: 82

    Jul 11, 2013 4:41 PM GMT
    He's too immature. He needs major sexual validation from others, from strangers. That is to say, what he's getting through your realtionship isn't good enough/satisfying enough for him (that isn't to say that you're not good enough!) I'd say move on, unless you feel you can put up with it in the future with no conflicts at all. He's indicated that he can put it on hold in order to build up trust, but that's also saying he'll continue the same behavior in the future. Unless he grows up, of course.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    This is a tough one. Were I in this situation, I would wonder why my significant other feels that he needs to be posting things online and looking at other guys. Him still doing these things after eight months of you two being together is a little troubling.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 11, 2013 5:37 PM GMT
    It sounds like he's got an exhibitionist streak (what non-exhibitionist guys here are calling "immaturity") that posting online nudes satisfies for him. He enjoys sharing them with others—and with you. His defensiveness is probably disappointment from your negative reaction to something he obviously enjoys.

    I don't think you're controlling, but the two of you don't exactly sound sexually compatible. You can either try to change him (suppress his exhibitionism), change yourself (accept his sexuality), or find someone who is more like you sexually.