Post-abusive relationship problems (Meant to post this in relationship section)

  • bluerdeep

    Posts: 16

    Jul 07, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    Hello all! I am really new to this forum, but I have enjoyed the advice so far I received regarding strength training.

    This is a totally different avenue. I have tried almost everything, from therapy, self-help books, chatting with my ex, etc. to move on from what happened. I was hoping that you guys might have some insight into what might happen or needs to happen.

    I don't want to go into painstaking detail about what happened. I was with this guy for 6 months. We ended things in July of 2011. I had been in two LTR's before this one, and I had always jumped in when I felt a spark - never thought twice about it. Naturally, I did the same with this guy. I met all of my boyfriends through social applications. In this case, it was Grindr. In therapy, I discussed how I may go for more dominant, controlling guys because I was teased growing up, and it may feel most comfortable for me to be in a position of submission.

    Anyway, the second or third day after my ex and I started dating, he told me that he wasn't okay with me drinking or smoking. I made the compromise, because at the time I thought it was worth it. I see this now as a prelude to the control. Anyway, we were good for a while, but he was constantly questioning me about what I was doing and who I was with. He would make jokes like "Who is X?" "Are they gay" "Did you sleep with X?" ... even though he pretended to not be serious, it was obvious that he was. He was an ex-Mormon who just left the Church. So he would have radical mood shifts where he went from wanting to go back to the Church to sleeping around with people - and I was there for all of it. Eventually, the relationship got physical. Until finally, one day, I blocked his # and moved on, but not really.

    Some of my most poignant memories:

    -Him laying in my dorm room talking about going back to school at BYU (Mormon school) or staying in Charlotte to be with me
    -Him telling me he hated me because he spent all of his money on me (even though he electively chose to do so, even when I offered).
    -Him forcing me to bottom for him even though I had an injury that prevented me from doing so at the time.
    -Purchasing an overly-extravagant hotel room and then making me feel bad when I didn't want to have sex.
    -Him telling me that if he didn't drive down from school to have sex with him one night, he would find somebody else to do it. Afterwards, telling me do it again because the first time it didn't feel passionate. And then afterwards telling me to leave because he had somebody coming over to cuddle.
    -Constantly feeling scared about what his sister knew (she would hint to me about his cheating behavior)
    -One night he told me he was spending the night with his ex, and so I slept with someone else. He then acted as if what I did was awful even though he cheated on me with his ex.
    -Him comparing me to his ex physically and referencing certain body parts
    -Constant gratification for being able to perform sexual acts, but made to feel guilty for not being able to perform them
    -Pressure to be more sexually appealing, jealousy of other men.
    -Pretending to be other people on Grindr, and when he gave out his address, showing up at his house and asking him why I am not good enough.

    Post-relationship:

    -I find that I constantly need approval (mostly sexually) from other men to feel good about myself.
    -I don't care about necessarily performing the sexual act, the fact that someone wants to is enough.
    -I have become addicted to social media platforms like Facebook, Grindr, Jack'd etc. for this feedback.
    -I feel as if the only way to prove my worth is sexually
    -In general, I'm skeptical of male-male relationships/relationships in general
    -I find myself unable to feel a spark with anyone, maybe because no one person can be special when there are many.
    -I feel worse about myself, as if my morals have deteriorated.
    -My mood is very sporadic / up and down
    -I feel as if, at times, I treat guys now how my ex treated me

    Therapy:

    -Weekly psychoanalytic/cognitive therapy for six months
    -Positive psychology/Optimism books have helped
    -Working out helps my mood
    -Constantly talking about this to anyone and everyone (which I'm not sure helps).

    Anyway, I know that this is very personal. I hope that none of this offended anybody. I'm just trying to be brutally honest. I'm just sort of getting by... trying to figure things out. So if there's any advice that anybody has, throw it at me.
  • PR_GMR

    Posts: 3831

    Jul 07, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    Ay-ya-yai! I feel for you. Man, your ex... was an asshole. Plain and simple--a verbal and mentally abusive asshole. Continue to stay in therapy.. and continue to move on. Kicking this one to the curb was the right thing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 07, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    I went through a lot of abuse with my last major relationship. I am suffering from lash back long after I left him (almost 2 years ago). Therapy is a good step, but ultimately it comes down to you. I know this and you know this.

    Nothing you can do will right the wrongs he has done, but you can protect yourself by understanding your own shortcomings as I am sure you have discussed in therapy. I suggest setting up healthy boundaries. You know how you would like to be treated and what you will and will not accept so stick to that.

    Remember, no one is perfect, but some mistakes aren't forgivable to everyone. Trust your gut. Your head thinks to much, your heart feels too much, but your gut has no reason to lie.
  • bluerdeep

    Posts: 16

    Jul 07, 2013 5:09 PM GMT
    Kwin said
    Remember, no one is perfect, but some mistakes aren't forgivable to everyone. Trust your gut. Your head thinks to much, your heart feels too much, but your gut has no reason to lie.


    I find it hard to discern between what my heart is feeling and my head is thinking. It's sort of like my id vs my superego. A guy might seem perfect on paper. I'm not sure if I'm still just defending myself before I even have a reason to, so I push everyone away.