Open Relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 1:26 PM GMT
    Hi there Guys. I have been plagued by the question since bursting out of the closet at the young age of 18. Well I am well past that age now "no less for wear"...wait that is totally a subjective comment and no need for any of you to comment on. I know how brutally honest you can be. I have read the threads...WOW.

    Ok, here is my question. Can any one of you out their explain to what are the benefits of being on an "OPEN RELATIONSHIP"? I have been meeting guys lately who are in them and I just can't see myself going down that road. I have always been a one man kind of guy. I know that my heart or my ego can't deal.

    I have always felt that only commitment Phobia guys and gals did this. It's also a license to cheat free of guilt... sorry that's the CATHOLIC in me.

    This is a sincere any honest question and if I have some how offended any of you out there who are in open relationships I apologize in advance that is not and was not my intent.

    Good Day!

    Phoenix43
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    Sep 11, 2007 1:57 PM GMT
    I don't know if it's an issue of "benefits" as it is more about individual attitudes towards sex. Some people can't separate love from sex, some have no problem with separating the two, and others are somewhere in between. I don't feel there is a right or wrong with this issue. It all depends on what you and your partner are comfortable with as a couple AND as individuals. Biologically-speaking, humans are NOT "programmed" for monogamy. Monogamy is a social construct created for, among other reasons, human jealousy (which certainly is an acceptable reason). I am loathe to use the word "morals" because people tend to get a bit judgemental when they use that term. No one should be forced to be polyamourous OR monogamous if they don't want to be.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Sep 11, 2007 2:11 PM GMT
    I believe it's completely a matter of trust. A lot of people are not comfortable enough with themselves to allow that sort of option.

    basically...
    If you have been dating someone for a while, and he leaves you for someone he hooked up with, there's a good possibility your relationship wasn't as strong as you thought.

    Each person just need to decide whether they can accept that sort of possibility.
    I've dating openly and monogamously, and honestly, i prefer an open relationship. It helps me appreciate the man I am dating by comparing him with others...

    shrug
  • zakariahzol

    Posts: 2241

    Sep 11, 2007 2:38 PM GMT
    I have never been in an open relationship.My boyfriend (that I thought was faithful ) cheat on me. Because I love him so much, I kinda tolerate it for awhile. I never approve of it, it just something I cannot do anything about.
    Until he decided to pick the other person over me and walk out of our relationship.

    On the other hand I have sex with this guy who is in open relationship. His bf know about it and dont really mind it. It weird. He dont feel jealous or anything. Latter he told me they have been together for two years. One time he even watch us fucking each other. I merely smile at him and he nooded at me.

    I really believe if you are not even jealous, or even give a damn , you are really not in a relationship or in love with each other. We are not animal that willingly accepted other people touching the man we love. We have feeling and sense of belonging of what belong to us. No , I dont believe in open relationship. Not when I truly in love with this person. His mine and mine alone, vice versa
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Sep 11, 2007 4:49 PM GMT
    I believe there are different levels of intimacy in a relationship. Sexual intimacy is not always connected to emotional intimacy, which I think is what xanadude said, to paraphrase a bit.

    I did the monogamous relationship for more than 7 years; ultimately it didn't work for me. Different people are wired differently.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 4:51 PM GMT
    hah i loved that "its the CATHOLIC in me". I can totally relate. Screw open relationships. I want one guy and thats it.
  • jarhead5536

    Posts: 1348

    Sep 11, 2007 5:17 PM GMT
    Can't see having an open relationship. Tried with my first husband (he was bored and I was desperate to hang on) and it only made everything worse. I am of the opinion that, just like straights, if we can't commit to one person for life, then don't get into a relationship. Fidelity is fidelity, period. I have no patience for breaking one's vows to another person. Having lived through it, the thought of my man with someone else sickens me, and once I have been with someone else, my bond with my man is forever altered.

    If you haven't made some sort of promise to another person, however, all bets are off...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 5:19 PM GMT
    Some days you want steak, some days you want bangers and mash. And some days only McDonalds breakfast will do.
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Sep 11, 2007 5:34 PM GMT
    Thanks Red, now I'm going to crave an egg mcmuffin without meat all day. Bastard.
  • liftordie

    Posts: 823

    Sep 11, 2007 5:39 PM GMT
    love and sex are two completely different things. sex is just 'hey u are hot...wanna fuck??' love is we have a house and mortgage and a life built tgether and if i did not see his face first thing every morning i think i would die!!
  • iHavok

    Posts: 1477

    Sep 11, 2007 6:04 PM GMT
    I agree completely. My man and I are doing a temporary long distance thing, but my life is still a brighter place looking forward to being around him when we get time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 6:48 PM GMT
    Phoenix,

    There have been some amazing threads on this subject here already - not that we couldn't use another, I suppose - but have you searched them out?

    One, in particular, was running a couple of months ago and was quite popular. It brought out a lot of different viewpoints.

    I won't summarize it, because I participated in it and have my own strong feelings. But I encourage you to look it up.

    Joey
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 6:51 PM GMT
    I have to agree with "jarhead 5536" on this on a personal note. For those of you who have no problem at all with having an open relationship. I wish you much happiness and joy out it for as long as it works for you.

    Well in the end. I told the interested party.
    Even if you won't respect the "SANCITY" of your commitment and what your rings mean. I will. Move on dude.

    Thanks for all of your responses! 8-)

    Cheers!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 6:52 PM GMT
    an open relationship isnt a relationship at all in my opinion...its room mates with benefits...a true relationship, is based on committment and having sex with other people is mutually exclusive to a committment...this is just my opinion....Ill never be in an open relationship and I dont judge those that choose to be....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:21 PM GMT
    P.S.Big Joey,

    To answer your question. No did not search out the previous threads. I did not feel a need to do, so since those were other men's questions and this was mine. I wanted to phrase my question in way it would not spark an angry debate. I have witness how an honest question has turn into a an ugly attack on men that don't even know each other from Adam. I was asking the question from a place of plain old curiosity nothing more . And trying not to be judgmental.

    Now if my question sounds like the beating of a dead horse, well it is what it is and I make no apologies for that.



    Respectfully

    Phoenix
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    Phoenix,

    I would never suggest that you shouldn't start a thread of your own. I merely wanted to point out that there were some interesting posts already out there that bear upon your question.

    Joey
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:30 PM GMT
    Love and sex are only different to those who define it that way.

    there are those of us who see it as the same.

    Open relationships are just about greed.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:32 PM GMT
    and it's funny it's called 'open relationship' when most guys doing it wont talk to their partners openly about it.

    wonder why? (rhetorical question of course)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:35 PM GMT
    It's amazing how some guys know what "most guys" are doing. That must be some telescope you own.
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    Sep 11, 2007 7:53 PM GMT
    So, why does it matter? I think it's up to the participants in a relationship to define the boundaries of it. If all involved can't agree on those boundaries, then the relationship should end.

    If having the occasional sleep-over with someone else is within those boundaries, then who cares?
  • jc_online

    Posts: 487

    Sep 11, 2007 7:56 PM GMT
    Observations:

    1. There is a difference between open relationship and cheating. I believe slayer was refering to the latter.
    2. On this and other posts on this topic, the guys who lean toward monogamy tend to voice less tolerance for guys who lean toward open relationships, rather than the opposite.
    3. Definitions and boundaries for each and every relationship is ultimately between the consenting adults involved, be that 2, 3 , or more of them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Sep 11, 2007 8:04 PM GMT
    good points all, except the confusing open relationships with cheating, again it's all in a personal definition but McGay...your insights, as always are unwelcome by me, right, wrong, insightful or otherwise...still unwelcome.

    xoxo
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    Sep 11, 2007 8:06 PM GMT
    Just a few cents:

    Monogomy is a heteronormative idea which even straight people have a hard time living up to. It (monogomy) places a wonderful and terrible burden on the partner/spouse/whatever to fulfill the role of the perfect lover indefinately: always ready, always sexy, always the same person with the spice of someone new. No wonder so many can't handle it! If we examine interpersonal relationships from say the closing of the commons on(along with human migratory patterns, family arrangements, economic arrangements, private space, etc.), we may find monogomy to be the exception rather than the rule. Monogomy made sense when humans lived overwhelmingly agrigarian lifestyles, something which has been steadily erroded by civilization (which means "citification"). For some it works but if we're honest, we (humans) would do well to "keep it real": even the most beautiful person becomes a bit stale when you've had them all the time.

    Monogomy has kept people hostage to outdated modes of being for way too long. I'm not saying we should all go out and fuck whomever whenever, but that we open up the idea of what a relationship between two people (or more) can be/mean. Of course, I realize that this idea challanges an accepted "norm" centuries old, so it's normal some find it abrasive.

    Lastly, gay men would do well to liberate their minds from the strangle hold heteronormativity has on it...why do we insist on modeling our behavior after those whom condemn us? Catholicism/Religion? Straights?
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    Sep 11, 2007 8:09 PM GMT
    It'd be smart to simply remove the idea that sex is anything but a necessary bodily function. The notion that there is magic and love and fairy dust involved is immature. Partnership, marriage, whatever, need to be handled more pragmatically in that it's two people helping each other get through life. Sex gets you through the night, not through life.

    You'll have to live with it slayer. Butch up.
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    Sep 11, 2007 8:13 PM GMT
    but what about the early Christian marriages documented between gay and lesbian couples? Was it also just accepted as a heteronormalcey (Sp?) practice then too? so the gay men then just hopped around bed to bed? can we be sure? and how do you account for lesbians, yes they do cheat but from the experiences I've seen, heard, watched..they are pretty loyal. Id say the majority of people that accept this open relationship aspect are men, both gay and straight, now of course someone (probably Mcgay) will think an appropriate response would be "you don't know everyone" fair enough...but I dare you to poll it and see the statistics you get. You'll be surprised it's a male dominated way of thinking which of course can't be accounted for their abundant sex drive because it's been physically proven that women have just as much if not MORE sexual drive. So then it thus makes one consider why so many men think it's okay to hide behind certain "normalcies" to hide moral flaws.