Should I go for it and start dating?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 4:44 AM GMT
    I'm 23, and have never been in a relationship. I want to get out there and meet guys, but as I'm not officially out yet, I wonder if it's a good time to even start seeing anyone casually.

    I do work online, so it's been hard for me to meet new people, even with putting myself out there whenever I can. It seems that whenever I meet a guy I like, he's either straight, or if he's gay, he's not attractive to me. I also think that a lot of the time, when I have an opportunity to approach and talk with a guy, I don't make a move quick enough, and the opportunity passes, and then I think about what I should've done. It can get very frustrating.

    Any advice for all of this?
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 11, 2013 4:53 AM GMT
    Phillips_73 saidI'm 23, and have never been in a relationship. I want to get out there and meet guys, but as I'm not officially out yet, I wonder if it's a good time to even start seeing anyone casually.

    I do work online, so it's been hard for me to meet new people, even with putting myself out there whenever I can. It seems that whenever I meet a guy I like, he's either straight, or if he's gay, he's not attractive to me. I also think that a lot of the time, when I have an opportunity to approach and talk with a guy, I don't make a move quick enough, and the opportunity passes, and then I think about what I should've done. It can get very frustrating.

    Any advice for all of this?


    That's the first hurdle you should tackle.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 2:57 PM GMT
    Good point. It's hard to know what people think since I haven't had anyone I know just come out and ask me if I'm gay. Most just assume I'm straight, or are just uncomfortable with thinking about it at all, so say nothing. Maybe they're waiting for me to say something to them about it? I have no idea.

    I do want to meet guys though, as I've gone such a long time without seeing one. I worry that many won't even want to get involved with someone like me who's not "out."
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jul 11, 2013 3:11 PM GMT
    Get over the coming out portion first, THEN start dating. I can't speak for most guys but if I ever were to get into the dating scene again, I couldn't date a guy whom was still in the closet. It's nothing against you, it's just as long as you're not out, one can't fully get to know you or the people you associate yourself with because of this fear.

    Now, when you say "not officially out" what does that mean? I know I consider my "official" coming out to be when I told my parents, but I was already out to most of my friends (I was in the military during DADT, so I had to be careful).

    Come out when you're ready, but sooner than later is always the better alternative (obviously not including if it will cause you harm by doing so).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 3:26 PM GMT
    By "not officially," I mean that there's been no outright statement, but the hints are there. I've never been in a relationship with a girl, and have made no attempt to be in one.

    One of my parents may know, as years ago there were a few "incidents" where things were found on the computer, but since then, nothing has come up. I don't know what they think.

    It bothers me that I'll most likely be alone until I'm more open with it, but I guess that's just how things go.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jul 11, 2013 3:50 PM GMT
    Here's a question and it's different for everyone. Why haven't you come out? Before I came out to my parents, I had similar incidents. They found stuff on my computer and the fact that I never really dated. I always had an excuse.
    When I did come out, yeah, it kind of was a surprise but after they really thought about it, it wasn't and they knew the entire time.

    My main reason for coming out was because I wanted to live MY life and not someone elses to their expectations. I wanted to be in love and have a real relationship finally. I had small ones before I came out, but I could never fully commit myself until I accepted myself. Your life doesn't have to be lonely. Once you come out, hopefully that'll build some confidence in you, in that you won't care what other people think or feel, as it doesn't affect you.
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    Jul 11, 2013 5:16 PM GMT
    Essentially, it's because I'm anxious about how certain people will react. I have some very conservative people in my family and I worry that them knowing will ruin my relationship with them.

    Of course, I want to be able to enjoy my life too and not have to make decisions based upon what's convenient for others.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 11, 2013 5:50 PM GMT
    How about instead of having a special press conference where you announce you're gay, you just start dating guys? Straight guys don't "come out" and declare their sexual interests, they just start going after girls. Try that approach and see how it feels. It's not as if you need to have a personal parade in order to be who you are and live your life openly. If those conservative family members see you in a relationship with a guy, they can figure it out for themselves or ask you if you're gay. Tell them the truth.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Jul 11, 2013 5:55 PM GMT
    Get new glasses and a haircut that flatters and go for it. Just hang out with guys at a coffee shop or bar or in social situations. It'll happen. Stay in contact with people, especially if you work alone. It's healthy.
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    Jul 11, 2013 6:02 PM GMT
    LJay saidGet new glasses and a haircut that flatters and go for it. Just hang out with guys at a coffee shop or bar or in social situations. It'll happen. Stay in contact with people, especially if you work alone. It's healthy.


    "new glasses and a haircut that flatters?" Ouch.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 6:09 PM GMT
    The_Guruburu saidHow about instead of having a special press conference where you announce you're gay, you just start dating guys? Straight guys don't "come out" and declare their sexual interests, they just start going after girls. Try that approach and see how it feels. It's not as if you need to have a personal parade in order to be who you are and live your life openly. If those conservative family members see you in a relationship with a guy, they can figure it out for themselves or ask you if you're gay. Tell them the truth.


    When you're right, you're right. I don't need anyone's approval. I'm going to put myself out there more.

    Thanks!
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    Jul 11, 2013 6:24 PM GMT
    Phillips_73 saidEssentially, it's because I'm anxious about how certain people will react. I have some very conservative people in my family and I worry that them knowing will ruin my relationship with them.

    Of course, I want to be able to enjoy my life too and not have to make decisions based upon what's convenient for others.


    What type of relationship do you really have with them if you have to hide the truth about yourself? If them knowing will ruin your relationship with them it is on them - not you.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 11, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    Phillips_73 said
    The_Guruburu saidHow about instead of having a special press conference where you announce you're gay, you just start dating guys? Straight guys don't "come out" and declare their sexual interests, they just start going after girls. Try that approach and see how it feels. It's not as if you need to have a personal parade in order to be who you are and live your life openly. If those conservative family members see you in a relationship with a guy, they can figure it out for themselves or ask you if you're gay. Tell them the truth.


    When you're right, you're right. I don't need anyone's approval. I'm going to put myself out there more.

    Thanks!

    You're welcome. I think the "coming out/special announcement" trope really flusters guys like me (and it sounds like you, too) who are more introverted and don't like to bring attention to ourselves. It further complicates things that really don't need to be. I kept putting off my "coming out", thinking there could be a perfect moment when I would sit my parents down and have The Talk with them.

    But when I thought about it, I realized I don't need to "come out", I just need to be out—that's is, simply live openly. That revelation took a huge weight off of me and minimized what seemed like a colossal task. It actually makes small steps, like going out on a date with a guy, more significant and positions them as acts of "coming" out.

    I say all this as someone else who's also not "officially" out—the closet door's ajar, and I haven't bothered to close it shut. I decided I'll be ready top ripely date and deal with the onslaught of questions after I finish my graduate program, but if someone confronts me about it now, I won't lie (I might simply give ambiguous answers). That's how I'm handling it.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 11, 2013 6:44 PM GMT
    ftnipp said
    Phillips_73 saidEssentially, it's because I'm anxious about how certain people will react. I have some very conservative people in my family and I worry that them knowing will ruin my relationship with them.

    Of course, I want to be able to enjoy my life too and not have to make decisions based upon what's convenient for others.


    What type of relationship do you really have with them if you have to hide the truth about yourself? If them knowing will ruin your relationship with them it is on them - not you.


    I won't speak for the OP, but for some people, family relationships are much stronger than that. I find other first generation and non-Americans can better relate to what I'm talking about: appearance is everything within the family. Younger generations respect their elders, individuals are expected to sacrifice/compromise for the sake of family unity...basically, don't rock the boat. Chalking off a negative reaction as "it is on them" simply doesn't work in this case, and it takes a far more sophisticated (and complicated) balancing act to get personal needs met while remaining part of the family. I kept listening to white Americans talk about their coming out experiences all the while thinking "You all are crazy! It doesn't work that way in my family," until I realized how culturally specific living openly is.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 11, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    The_Guruburu said
    Phillips_73 said
    The_Guruburu saidHow about instead of having a special press conference where you announce you're gay, you just start dating guys? Straight guys don't "come out" and declare their sexual interests, they just start going after girls. Try that approach and see how it feels. It's not as if you need to have a personal parade in order to be who you are and live your life openly. If those conservative family members see you in a relationship with a guy, they can figure it out for themselves or ask you if you're gay. Tell them the truth.


    When you're right, you're right. I don't need anyone's approval. I'm going to put myself out there more.

    Thanks!

    You're welcome. I think the "coming out/special announcement" trope really flusters guys like me (and it sounds like you, too) who are more introverted and don't like to bring attention to ourselves. It further complicates things that really don't need to be. I kept putting off my "coming out", thinking there could be a perfect moment when I would sit my parents down and have The Talk with them.

    But when I thought about it, I realized I don't need to "come out", I just need to be out—that's is, simply live openly. That revelation took a huge weight off of me and minimized what seemed like a colossal task. It actually makes small steps, like going out on a date with a guy, more significant and positions them as acts of "coming" out.

    I say all this as someone else who's also not "officially" out—the closet door's ajar, and I haven't bothered to close it shut. I decided I'll be ready top ripely date and deal with the onslaught of questions after I finish my graduate program, but if someone confronts me about it now, I won't lie (I might simply give ambiguous answers). That's how I'm handling it.


    You've basically summed up how I feel. If someone were to ask me directly, I'd be open with them.
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Jul 11, 2013 11:48 PM GMT
    Coming out in a casual way sounds better. Be yourself and screw everyone else. If you're self sufficient in your life right now to where if your family doesn't support you, then continue to live your life and if they come around, then eventually they will but never lose yourself in other peoples expectations.

    BE HAPPY!!!!!

    My coming out wasn't ideal. For several months my parents at their house kept receiving gay porn pamphlets from porn companies at their house with my name on it. I had an interesting time trying to explain that because I wasn't the one sending them there. I have no idea how some of those companies got my information. Anyways, eventually I got to the point where I couldn't hold up a lie anymore after one conversation trying to explain the porn. I told myself, next time the topic comes up, I'll come out... mind you I'm over 1000 miles away from them, so it'll have to be over the phone. So, about a week after I said that, the topic came up again and caught me off guard. I didn't realize that when the topic came up again, I wouldn't be prepared for it and it became obvious to my mother on the phone that I had something to say, because I got way too quiet on the phone... fast forward a week later, I finally talk to my mother again, after she stopped talking to me and we settled her problems... again, it's no longer your problem to deal with, BE HAPPY, BE YOURSELF, if other people can't understand that, even if it is your parents, then so be it. But everything is good now. My parents are what I call "fake" religious, they haven't been to church in over 10 years but they love to quote the bible and act like they're religious. So I grew up with a lot of anti-gay talk. But three years later, everything is great between myself and my parents.

    I'm in a happy relationship now and couldn't be any more happier. So in the end, again, LIVE YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY. I can't stress that enough.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 12, 2013 12:34 AM GMT
    WApilot saidComing out in a casual way sounds better. Be yourself and screw everyone else. If you're self sufficient in your life right now to where if your family doesn't support you, then continue to live your life and if they come around, then eventually they will but never lose yourself in other peoples expectations.

    BE HAPPY!!!!!

    My coming out wasn't ideal. For several months my parents at their house kept receiving gay porn pamphlets from porn companies at their house with my name on it. I had an interesting time trying to explain that because I wasn't the one sending them there. I have no idea how some of those companies got my information. Anyways, eventually I got to the point where I couldn't hold up a lie anymore after one conversation trying to explain the porn. I told myself, next time the topic comes up, I'll come out... mind you I'm over 1000 miles away from them, so it'll have to be over the phone. So, about a week after I said that, the topic came up again and caught me off guard. I didn't realize that when the topic came up again, I wouldn't be prepared for it and it became obvious to my mother on the phone that I had something to say, because I got way too quiet on the phone... fast forward a week later, I finally talk to my mother again, after she stopped talking to me and we settled her problems... again, it's no longer your problem to deal with, BE HAPPY, BE YOURSELF, if other people can't understand that, even if it is your parents, then so be it. But everything is good now. My parents are what I call "fake" religious, they haven't been to church in over 10 years but they love to quote the bible and act like they're religious. So I grew up with a lot of anti-gay talk. But three years later, everything is great between myself and my parents.

    I'm in a happy relationship now and couldn't be any more happier. So in the end, again, LIVE YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY. I can't stress that enough.


    LOL, a similar thing happened with me and my mom, except in addition to the AdamMale catalogue she also came across a gay DVD in the mail…she didn't say a word, though!
  • tuffguyndc

    Posts: 4437

    Jul 12, 2013 1:17 AM GMT
    dude, you need to relax. how about you go online and meet up with a few guys. i think you go on some of the hookup sites and meet guys that way. by doing this, it will allow you get a feel for what you like and do not like
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2013 1:21 AM GMT
    Baby steps first, buddy. Get comfortable with being out first and then work your way into dating. There's no rush. You're 23 with the rest of your life ahead of you to date.

    Just try social networking first and making friends who are also gay. Most dates start through social networking so it's kind of a a "-2-1" deal. The key to dating is patience: Don't rush it.
  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jul 12, 2013 6:22 AM GMT
    Phillips_73 saidI'm 23, and have never been in a relationship. I want to get out there and meet guys, but as I'm not officially out yet, I wonder if it's a good time to even start seeing anyone casually.

    I do work online, so it's been hard for me to meet new people, even with putting myself out there whenever I can. It seems that whenever I meet a guy I like, he's either straight, or if he's gay, he's not attractive to me. I also think that a lot of the time, when I have an opportunity to approach and talk with a guy, I don't make a move quick enough, and the opportunity passes, and then I think about what I should've done. It can get very frustrating.

    Any advice for all of this?


    Go for it. You are at a beautiful ripe age and there is a man out there who is waiting for you. Go!
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    Jul 12, 2013 6:24 AM GMT
    Yes.
    Date.
    People are complex.
    Relationships are complex.
    You're gonna fuck them up for awhile probably. Start earlier, so when it matters you a bit better set-up to handle it. ;)

    Also: online is a great way to meet people. Gays are quite "wired" as it were. ;)
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    Jul 12, 2013 6:45 AM GMT
    Phillips_73 saidEssentially, it's because I'm anxious about how certain people will react. I have some very conservative people in my family and I worry that them knowing will ruin my relationship with them.

    Of course, I want to be able to enjoy my life too and not have to make decisions based upon what's convenient for others.



    I would certainly have some gay sex before making any commitment to come out. I would not come out until you can show them gay love as a beautiful man that you want to be with rather than aruguing gay politics with them.
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    Jul 12, 2013 4:06 PM GMT
    The_Guruburu said
    ftnipp said
    Phillips_73 saidEssentially, it's because I'm anxious about how certain people will react. I have some very conservative people in my family and I worry that them knowing will ruin my relationship with them.

    Of course, I want to be able to enjoy my life too and not have to make decisions based upon what's convenient for others.


    What type of relationship do you really have with them if you have to hide the truth about yourself? If them knowing will ruin your relationship with them it is on them - not you.


    I won't speak for the OP, but for some people, family relationships are much stronger than that. I find other first generation and non-Americans can better relate to what I'm talking about: appearance is everything within the family. Younger generations respect their elders, individuals are expected to sacrifice/compromise for the sake of family unity...basically, don't rock the boat. Chalking off a negative reaction as "it is on them" simply doesn't work in this case, and it takes a far more sophisticated (and complicated) balancing act to get personal needs met while remaining part of the family. I kept listening to white Americans talk about their coming out experiences all the while thinking "You all are crazy! It doesn't work that way in my family," until I realized how culturally specific living openly is.


    My Grandmother would often tell me that "blood is thicker than water". In response I would say "yeah but blood is also mostly water". In other words: The willingness to accept someone as they are (be it as friend or family) is the core substance of any relationship. Anything less, is as you say " appearance" i.e., empty. (Just for the record the Grandmother in question accepted that I was gay).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2013 4:18 PM GMT
    Do it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 12, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    Take your time and get comfortable with being "out". That doesn't mean you have to go tell the world before you start dating, it can be a slow process. Hell I'm 26 and still don't have a BF just yet so don't fret!