"losing friends when coming out"

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 4:46 PM GMT
    One never honestly losses friends when coming out. What we lose is the illusion that such people were our friends in the first place.

    I had what I thought were friends not accept me when I came out. What I did was moved on and actually made real friends. Oddly though some of these same people eventually apologized for their lack of acceptance towards me. By the time they apologized though I had already moved forward in my life to the point that I really didn't desire to be anything more than acquaintances with them.

    Curious as to what has been others experience regarding this issue?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    One sister wouldn't let me around her children. Now she expects me to act like nothing ever happened. icon_evil.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jul 12, 2013 4:50 PM GMT
    I have not had a bad experience yet. Even with people that I was sure would have an issue. I'll admit, alcohol was involved in some instances.

    Sometimes humans can surprise you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 4:52 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidI have not had a bad experience yet. Even with people that I was sure would have an issue. I'll admit, alcohol was involved in some instances.

    Sometimes humans can surprise you.


    sometimes. but not often enough.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    Jul 12, 2013 4:53 PM GMT
    IrishDarren said
    TheBizMan saidI have not had a bad experience yet. Even with people that I was sure would have an issue. I'll admit, alcohol was involved in some instances.

    Sometimes humans can surprise you.


    sometimes. but not often enough.

    Ain't that the truth
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 4:54 PM GMT
    I had a 'best friend' for seven years. Mustered up the courage and came out to him three and a half years ago. We haven't spoken since. And haven't come out to a soul since. I don't see why it must be such a bane to be gay. I'm still the same likeable, funny and smart person people know me to be when they think I'm straight.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 4:59 PM GMT
    One childhood "friend" years later told me he was worried I would hit on him. Mind you this guy was extremely overweight. I never felt even one ounce of physical attraction towards him. I told him that even though I am gay I do have standards and that he need not worry that I ever found him physically attractive. A bit mean I know, but seriously!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    ftnipp saidOne childhood "friend" years later told me he was worried I would hit on him. Mind you this guy was extremely overweight. I never felt even one ounce of physical attraction towards him. I told him that even though I am gay I do have standards and that he need not worry that I ever found him physically attractive. A bit mean I know, but seriously!

    Amen to that! People assume that gays are overly testosteronal and would hump any guy with a pulse icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    wyrln saidOne sister wouldn't let me around her children. Now she expects me to act like nothing ever happened. icon_evil.gif

    My mother (yes, the very woman who bore me for 8 months) found my porn stash one day. Flipped for a whole week, pleading for me to say I was merely experimenting. I refused to, now she's literally wiped the incident from memory.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 5:52 PM GMT
    Looking_to_come_out said now she's literally wiped the incident from memory.


    My grade school friends claimed as adults to be upset that I hadn't told them back then, projecting how they feel now onto what was the reality of our growing up. It's one of the few times I've appreciated our innate propensity to bullshit ourselves.

    Once on a bus ride to a ruin in Mexico on family vacation I was stunned to learn that my niece and nephews didn't know I was gay. My sister in law said to me "and don't you tell them." I was super hurt. My mother was pissed. And when I pulled my brother side to discuss what sil said, he agreed with her. That hurt our relationship for a number of years as I avoided being near them because in the humanist family I grew up with we lived our lives openly and honestly with each other.

    As the kids got older they figured it out but I'm still cautious with my brother and his wife who forced me back into the closet with respect to their kids. Years after the incident, after the kids had grown, I confronted my brother and sil about this. They deny the incident ever occurred. They do not remember being so mean to me and they think it is my imagination. Not unlike how my grade school friends enjoy thinking of themselves as having been more open and accepting in their youth than exhibited in their behavior then, they have revised their memories of how hey treated me and of how they thought.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 6:13 PM GMT
    theantijock said
    Looking_to_come_out said now she's literally wiped the incident from memory.


    they have revised their memories of how hey treated me and of how they thought.


    I feel you man! Said best friend texted me last week. Said he was "nostalgic" and didnt know what happened to us. Right. icon_rolleyes.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 6:29 PM GMT
    I don't shout my sexuality out loud and proud, but I don't lie if people ask. And if they can't accept it, I never care. I've just never cared about other peoples opinions. If they speak factual statements that are not the truth, I'll call them out on it, but other than that, I look and move forward.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 6:35 PM GMT
    angrygarbagestateresident said
    ftnipp saidOne never honestly losses friends when coming out. What we lose is the illusion that such people were our friends in the first place.

    I had what I thought were friends not accept me when I came out. What I did was moved on and actually made real friends. Oddly though some of these same people eventually apologized for their lack of acceptance towards me. By the time they apologized though I had already moved forward in my life to the point that I really didn't desire to be anything more than acquaintances with them.

    Curious as to what has been others experience regarding this issue?


    can you please stop using YOUR experience as a standard for other people? just because you got lucky doesn't mean other people will. your situation does NOT generally reflect the experiences of others. just the other day, we had a member that made a thread where he was very upset that his friend simply ditched him when he came out to him. i'm sure he would have a lot to say about your thread.


    Sorry if I use my life experiences to learn and move forward in my life instead of what what appear you do: bitch and moan!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    angrygarbagestateresident saidwhat you fail to realize is that there's plenty of folks that have killed themselves because they've been rejected by the people that they thought had their backs such as family and friends. not everybody has your level of confidence or strength that you do.

    how about you try to help folks in the lgbt community such as some other guy yesterday that was terrified about coming out of the closet where he was fearful of losing his family and friends? coming out the closet and embracing who you are MAY have been easy for you BUT you aren't the reflection of all of us though. i for one am currently coming out the closet and have yet to tell my friends. being that i went through some really shitty experiences with folks in the past who i THOUGHT were my friends am SCARED to go through the same thing again by coming out to folks that i've basically have revealed almost everything about myself except for the fact that i'm gay.

    i've seen many guys like you talk and go like "do it" without understanding the situations that people are in or are going through. tell that sheit to folks that have killed themselves because everyone in their circle from family to their best friend rejected them and they weren't able to get the support that they needed to help them to embrace who they are. being gay is NOT easy. i sure can understand why someone would be damn suicidal if they were basically shitted on for being gay and then had folks telling them to "hold on, be strong" offering them no form of support. it's so easy to tell folks that "it gets better" than to actually reach out to help them.


    Hm, I think there is truth to what OP is saying. You should not fear coming out to anyone. If they do not wish to be in your life, it means they were never truly your friend. A true good friend would not deem you unworthy because of your sexuality.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    angrygarbagestateresident saidwhat you fail to realize is that there's plenty of folks that have killed themselves because they've been rejected by the people that they thought had their backs such as family and friends. not everybody has your level of confidence or strength that you do.

    how about you try to help folks in the lgbt community such as some other guy yesterday that was terrified about coming out of the closet where he was fearful of losing his family and friends? coming out the closet and embracing who you are MAY have been easy for you BUT you aren't the reflection of all of us though. i for one am currently coming out the closet and have yet to tell my friends. being that i went through some really shitty experiences with folks in the past who i THOUGHT were my friends am SCARED to go through the same thing again by coming out to folks that i've basically have revealed almost everything about myself except for the fact that i'm gay.

    i've seen many guys like you talk and go like "do it" without understanding the situations that people are in or are going through. tell that sheit to folks that have killed themselves because everyone in their circle from family to their best friend rejected them and they weren't able to get the support that they needed to help them to embrace who they are. being gay is NOT easy. i sure can understand why someone would be damn suicidal if they were basically shitted on for being gay and then had folks telling them to "hold on, be strong" offering them no form of support. it's so easy to tell folks that "it gets better" than to actually reach out to help them.


    Just for the record I had someone close to me commit suicide. And yes part of the reason was because of the shit he went through with other people. We can't control how other people treat us, but what we can control is how we view ourselves: No one can take away our self-esteem and belief in ourselves -unless we let them. If that is such a bad message to tell people I sorry, but I don't view it that way.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 7:16 PM GMT
    Looking_to_come_out said
    theantijock said
    Looking_to_come_out said now she's literally wiped the incident from memory.


    they have revised their memories of how hey treated me and of how they thought.


    I feel you man! Said best friend texted me last week. Said he was "nostalgic" and didnt know what happened to us. Right. icon_rolleyes.gif


    It's a tough call but don't always be so quick to throw people away, depending upon the transgressions of course. You'll wind up with no one. At your young age, you and your friends are finding yourselves and your comfort zones etc. Some people are more self-aware than others early while others continue to develop throughout their lives.

    I do have xfriends who betrayed me so horribly and so late in life after decades of being so-called friends that I could never be friends with them again because I could never befriend someone who would do that to me. But they were fully grown adults not subject to peer or societal pressures when they sought to hurt me. They simply had grown into the scummiest part of themselves instead of allowing the good inside them to flourish. But my brother and sil have worked towards being better people and I so completely appreciate that. And I'm so pleased with myself that I never threw them away, that I even risked my own well-being to maintain our relationship. I finally have the brother I always wanted. My mother, were she alive, couldn't be happier with that. I know it.

    Even my douchebag xfriends, I was so kind towards them even while they were abusing our relationship. I saw what they were doing. I'm still stunned by where they went but the direction was clear for years.

    Give people enough rope, they'll either pull themselves up, or they'll hang themselves. Even if you don't see it at first, eventually everyone shows their true selves. You'll see it on this forum all the time. Sometimes even it's pretty damned amusing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 8:29 PM GMT
    Only one couple blew me off, and my loyal friends then blew them off. And I was more of a son to his mother than he or any of his siblings were until she died. I was best man at their wedding and did an embarrassing job during the speech, so now I'm glad I ruined the video! Their loss. icon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    angrygarbagestateresident said
    ftnipp said
    angrygarbagestateresident saidwhat you fail to realize is that there's plenty of folks that have killed themselves because they've been rejected by the people that they thought had their backs such as family and friends. not everybody has your level of confidence or strength that you do.

    how about you try to help folks in the lgbt community such as some other guy yesterday that was terrified about coming out of the closet where he was fearful of losing his family and friends? coming out the closet and embracing who you are MAY have been easy for you BUT you aren't the reflection of all of us though. i for one am currently coming out the closet and have yet to tell my friends. being that i went through some really shitty experiences with folks in the past who i THOUGHT were my friends am SCARED to go through the same thing again by coming out to folks that i've basically have revealed almost everything about myself except for the fact that i'm gay.

    i've seen many guys like you talk and go like "do it" without understanding the situations that people are in or are going through. tell that sheit to folks that have killed themselves because everyone in their circle from family to their best friend rejected them and they weren't able to get the support that they needed to help them to embrace who they are. being gay is NOT easy. i sure can understand why someone would be damn suicidal if they were basically shitted on for being gay and then had folks telling them to "hold on, be strong" offering them no form of support. it's so easy to tell folks that "it gets better" than to actually reach out to help them.


    Just for the record I had someone close to me commit suicide. And yes part of the reason was because of the shit he went through with other people. We can't control how other people treat us, but what we can control is how we view ourselves: No one can take away our self-esteem and belief in ourselves -unless we let them. If that is such a bad message to tell people I sorry, but I don't view it that way.


    i disagree with you on that from personal experience. i can say that my self esteem and belief in myself has been affected at an early age by bullies. by the time i was a pre teen, my self esteem and self confidence was shot. i've been struggling to build it up ever since and haven't succeeded. to say that no one can take away their self esteem and belief in yourself is basically ignoring all the people that have gone through some sort of abuse in their life and have been affected by it.

    it all depends on the person. not everybody is strong like that. just be thankful that you aren't one of those people.


    Here's a self-esteem booster.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 12, 2013 9:15 PM GMT
    ftnipp saidBy the time they apologized though I had already moved forward in my life to the point that I really didn't desire to be anything more than acquaintances with them.


    Hmm..
    Acceptance takes time..
    I think here you might have shunned opportunities for re-connection.

    .. This also raises a question..
    What kind of friends did you choose in the first place?