How do you get over someone you need to get over but don't want to?

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Jul 13, 2013 10:56 AM GMT
    Quick backstory. When I was around 24, after my first bf and I cratered, I was convinced I needed to "sow my wild oats." And boy did I. In the meantime, I met a new "friend" who took a shining to me. He was so young but he worked me hard and I resisted. We pushed and pulled, seeing each other once a week for about 2 years under the understanding that once something better came along, we were free to leave. I was basically being a slut while avoiding emotional attachements. I did everything from dating other people to going on Atlantis cruises alone. Eventually this petered out and he left.

    Well, I guess times have changed. I've gone from being a easy money movie industry professional to a fulltime student again. I did well enough at work to buy a nice older home and renovate it with my own two hands and to pay for the next few years of professional school with a few scheckels left in the bank. During this time I hobnobbed with movie stars and the "pretty people." I'm not bragging, I'm only saying this because everyone told me to have my fun when I was young because I'd "regret" it later. Instead, I only regret hurting the finest guy I've ever known.

    He told me once I damaged him by doing that. I was upfront, I wasn't looking for a relationship but I think it was a front for trying to protect myself. My parents are still together and my grandparents were together for 77 years. And I think deep down I always wanted that. I took someone who was smart, ambitious, physically stunning, and worshipped the ground I walked on and marginalized him and destroyed his self-esteem by making him feel like an option when there was nothing better around. I can't even fathom how he felt, despite hanging on that I'd "come around."

    I've dated (1mo or longer), 2 meth heads, a slut and a long distance workaholic and none of the hold a candle to this guy. I'm worried deep down that he's changed. Maybe he's let go and become cynical and bitter and given up that idealistic we all have when we're young because of me. I'd be lying if I said I just wanted to see him happy. I ran into him with a boyfriend once and I hated the guy for no reason.

    I feel like I need to get into therapy or something, like I can control everything but these feelings. I literally think about him everyday. Maybe for a brief second or maybe an hour. I've tried to forget and I've tried to move on but I just haven't met another guy that gave me that little rollercoaster feeling in the pit of my stomach when I see him and that I've wanted to take home to my family. I guess thats a big thing for me, I'm not really "out" but I couldn't think of anyone else in the world I'd be so proud to take home as the guy I lost. My family, whos somewhat homophobic, would have loved him. Its got to be me thats the issue, I mean I can't be incompatible with 99% of the guys out there. I find myself meeting guys and my thoughts never go to anything more than finishing my drink, excusing myself from the conversation and leaving our interaction to social.

    So in closing, I'm stuck. I know what I want and its right there. I don't want to make a play and get rejected again. "It will end up the same" was one of the crappiest moments of my life. I just keep our conversations light and put on a smile and pretend like life is great, simultaneously hoping that I'd get another shot one or that some fantastic person will come along and capture my interest but he hasn't. I'd say he's one in a million but that would mean theres 8,000 more guys just like him out there and I can't seem to find one of them. I'm just stuck.

    Thanks for letting me air this and any advice/criticism/telling me this is stupid would help. My friends simultaneously tell me I need to move on like he's an traded-in car but yet also say "Man you really fucked that one up, we'd have loved to have a guy like that" everytime we see him. Arrgh.
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    Jul 13, 2013 11:32 AM GMT
    It seems that only after you dated the meth heads, the slut and the alcoholic did you realize how special that guy was. Based on your story, I agree with your friends that you did fuck it up! BUT...all you can do now is learn from your errors and move on because it's quite apparent that your ex has.

    Whether or not you need therapy is your decision! If you really can't get over this guy and it's taking you away from your goals, then seek help!

    By the way, I don't understand why you bothered to mention about your career in the movie industry. I don't see how that's related to your relationship. Unless you're saying that the industry molded you into something superficial and therefore is the blame for your breakup.
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    Jul 13, 2013 12:19 PM GMT
    Your post was too long and I am too busy to read it. The easiest way to get over anyone or anything is to actually want to get over them/it.
    Until then, you are just enjoying the drama.
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Jul 13, 2013 12:25 PM GMT
    Erik101 saidIt seems that only after you dated the meth heads, the slut and the alcoholic did you realize how special that guy was. Based on your story, I agree with your friends that you did fuck it up! BUT...all you can do now is learn from your errors and move on because it's quite apparent that your ex has.


    No, actually hes been a constant. It wasn't a comparison thing. I actually wasn't looking for another boyfriend, I just couldn't focus on the one I had for some reason.

    And the movie industry reference was because thats what I did, I ended up going on location for periods of time to work and moved to NYC for a few months while he and I were "dating." I remember we talked on the phone all the time and he was like "I'll be here when you get back" and I was encouraging him to "sow his oats."

    I'm a moron I know. I guess this guy is like my meth. I got high once and I either want a hit from the same bag or a similiar one. But this time I'll be the better person.
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    Jul 13, 2013 12:28 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidYour post was too long and I am too busy to read it. The easiest way to get over anyone or anything is to actually want to get over them/it.
    Until then, you are just enjoying the drama.

    Funny but I'm half asleep and didn't want to read the whole thing either. I'll do that later.
    But a good way to get over someone (and I haven't done this in a while) is to make a fool of yourself over him. After that you won't want to think about him any more. Ha!
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    Jul 13, 2013 12:30 PM GMT
    The one that got away?

    So much has happened in the last six years..in your life and i'm assuming his.

    ..The rolling stone has settled to finally gather moss?

    You are changing, long-term goals are starting to imprint and now your focus is.. "The one that got away"

    I don't want to make a play and get rejected again

    Let's be honest .. Do you think you have a shot with X ??
    Do you deserve him?

    ..Having a warm body in the house you completed, or a down to earth charming guy to take home to Mum and Pop are not clear indicators of a successful relationship.

    .. Personally..i'm not convinced you are ready to pursue'X' just yet..

    (Reason)
    Your overwhelming jealousy and lack of empathy,for his pursuit in love and happiness upsets you.

    After all.. Isn't that what you are doing?


    (Do you love X? ..Or do you think you do?..Does he love you?)

    Hugz mate..most of us have been there.

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    Jul 13, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    6 years between 24 and 30 and a lot of experiences. I can only imagine some, and I can empathize with some of your others because I've lived through similar.

    I've found therapists to be valuable "coaches" over the past decades. I've gone to therapists during good times and challenging times. There was a time in 2000 when I felt "stuck" (I was 35 at the time). The best therapists help me to find my own way out of "stuck" by asking key questions at pivotal moments in our conversation. After working with therapists, and with more clarity on "who I am", "what I value", and "what is my purpose", I am very much prepared to address any situation and relationship which comes my way in life.

    Perhaps if you were to consider engaging in a period of therapy, you might find that you become much more clear on what you need, what you want, you might then have insight on how to address your presenting problem of "the guy lost". You might also gain some insight on the "root cause" of some of the other context you have shared which may potentially be at odds with what you state you want for your future.

    If you do choose to take this journey to "your self" be prepared for painful self-awareness of shortcomings which you may not have known were there. You can choose to accept or deny these moments of self-awareness. If you choose "acceptance", then be prepared (if you choose) to work on repairing any damage and working daily on smoothing away at the shortcomings. Keeping a journal is helpful. Your OP might be a good "first entry" upon which to look back as you make progress. "No pain, no gain" is true in this regard.

    A wise therapist once told me, "Become the man whom you wish to attract."

    He was right.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 13, 2013 4:35 PM GMT
    Ice cream
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    Jul 13, 2013 6:27 PM GMT
    I saw myself in some of what you went through. I think a lot of us lost someone really terrific along our way and we sometimes wonder what it would be like if we'd only handled things differently..................

    But we have to leave the past IN the past and move on. What you'll want to do is stop idolizing that one guy. The past seems very rosy to you, like a dream. But it is gone. Time to polish up your act (so to speak) and have fun. Make yourself the kind of guy you'd like to meet. Be ready and open for someone new. Don't compare all new guys to that guy from the past. Give them time. Maybe NOBODY will be as perfect as that guy, but I doubt that. Each new guy you meet will have his own terrific attributes. Naturally - stay away from losers and druggies. Be open and ready for another great guy. There are more than you know!
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    Jul 13, 2013 6:36 PM GMT
    Sexual and spiritual distraction.
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    Jul 13, 2013 6:45 PM GMT
    You're in a difficult situation. However, like some of the others have said, you need to move on. Constantly thinking about and longing for this guy is going to cause any new guy you meet, even the best ones, to seem inadequate. Consequently, you need to tell your friends to move on as well. Telling you that you made a mistake by ending things with him is only making you feel worse.

    Think about how good it will feel to be in a new relationship with a nice guy. The only way you'll be able to do that is to get over this.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 13, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    Take a day or two off and cry a lot, and listen to a lot of broken heart music until you finally get sick of being broken hearted .... DON'T get drunk or do drugs, it will only prolong it.
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    Jul 13, 2013 7:36 PM GMT
    Fuck everything with a dick until you stop imagining their face when you cum.
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    Jul 13, 2013 7:38 PM GMT
    NO CONTACT. No texting, no calling, no FB.

    Remove all things that remind you of him, do the things you used to do before you met him; add a few new things to your life too.

    It just takes time. Everyone goes through it at some point. Just realize you'll get over it eventually and avoid doing something crazy.
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    Jul 13, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    I'd say that if you're in contact with him and he's not in another relationship, you should cut and past what you just wrote and send it to him. The truth is what it's all about.

    If he replies, then start from there. It may not be what you want to hear but you need to hear it for closure.

    If he is not or won't contact you, then you need to find closure in some other form (IE: AtlasHarper's suggestions to remove everything related to him) and move on.

    Use the energy spent on recollecting your past on something that moves you forward. Good luck.
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Jul 13, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    Thanks for the good words guys. I don't really dwell on it. Its like this time when I was in highschool I had a summer job and one day my boss asked me to list his beautiful Porsche in the newspaper for sale. Apparently the dealership here wasn't interested in it when he went to trade it and offered him some ridiculously low amount for it. 1982 convertible, garage kept, 50k miles, original owner. He told me I could have it for what the dealership offered and even would let me finance it. I didn't jump on it and I've regretted it to this day.

    Anocxu: you wrote: "Your overwhelming jealousy and lack of empathy,for his pursuit in love and happiness upsets you." I think I used the word "hate" when I meant that I was more jealous he was "on my turf." I think that was a gut reaction. I've noticed a trend in the guys my ex has briefly dated, tall, dark, stocky. I didn't know the guy, I just saw a replacement for me. That was a couple years ago anyway. I'm not sure how I'd react if I saw him with someone, but not like that anymore. He hasn't dated anyone because "He's so busy with school."

    I've done alot of soul searching. I think my main motivation for all of this is because my conscience didn't like hurting someone that was inherently good. I've always tended to not like to hurt people, even unintentionally leading people on because I don't like to necessarily directly say "This isn't going to work." I've improved in that regard as the years have gone by, but I would never, ever do what I did to him again. I'm honestly too busy and too tired to play games anymore, its just counterproductive. I do what I say and expect guys to to.
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    Jul 13, 2013 10:55 PM GMT
    Stop beating yourself up. You have no idea that he was Mr. Right then or that he could have been Mr. Right happily ever after. Chances are you are wrong so don't torture yourself with complete unfounded speculation. I was married for 21 years; 20 of those were perfect but things change. Turn your energy towards making a great new relationship. Guess what? The past does not exist.

    My junior high phys Ed teacher wrapped his new corvette around a tree... Yeah, he died . Want to speculate on your so called loss?