intimacy issues

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 9:34 AM GMT
    Hi guys, I'll try and not rant for too long....

    I've been with the most wonderful guy for coming up to a year now. He's nearly everything I could want in a guy apart from being a smoker, which I am working on.

    The biggest problem is that he never wants to have sex. I know he used to be a very horny individual from guys I've met online that know him and have 'cammed' with him etc and from stories he has told me about his past exploits and relationships.

    Now though, it seems that he has lost his libido. This more or less has been the case since the start of our relationship and it is because he is suffering from erectile dysfunction which apparently started last year when he did a deca (steroid) cycle.

    Now, I'm sure he has some sort of libido as he checks guys out in the street, but apparently he never jerks of now or ever has the desire too and to make things worse, he's just had some shoulder operations so is feeling a bit crap.

    He avoids sex or anything sexual, kisses last no more than 5 seconds as he's afraid I'll get turned on and want sex. We have had sex 6 times in a year since I have known him and it has lasted 3 minutes with no foreplay at all.

    I, as a result am VERY sexually frustrated and am CRAVING some sort of intimacy with my bf.

    He refuses to take Viagra once I mentioned it might trigger off his sinusitis but I feel he was happy that he could use that as an excuse. I got some fake Viagra from a friend, some herbal crap, hoping it would have a placebo effect at best, but he said he didn't need it and refused to take it.

    So, he says I want to cuddle too much, but this stems from my yearning for intimacy, and cuddling is the only way. I feel the passion has never really been present in our relationship.

    However, he treats me like a prince and is literally the nicest, sweetest guy I have ever known and I love him.

    Should I end things anyway if I'm not getting what I need from the relationship?

    The last 2 times I've mentioned the lack of sex, he literally has cried and said he feels immasculated and just continues to pretend its normal to never have sex with your bf.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 12:34 PM GMT
    He should pay a visit to a urologist.

    You, on the other hand, are sexy as hell.

    icon_twisted.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 12:44 PM GMT
    its not a problem with his dick, its a problem with his mind that is affecting his dick function.

    Thanks for the compliment x
  • BillandChuck

    Posts: 2024

    Jul 15, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    You should probably talk to him about counseling (joint) to address the discontinuity in your relationship. Sad to say but if he's too focused on his own self-pity and not on engaging with you in healthy relations of all types, then you should consider moving on to find a relationship you deserve, where you BOTH have your needs met.
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    Jul 15, 2013 1:01 PM GMT
    Its time to have an honest conversation with him - and find out his views on intimacy and desire;

    Theres a psychological factor to his libido loss, that you both need to work out, or to at least find out if it is going to be a deal breaker.

    I have lived without physical intimacy from my partner for 17 years, and it really does get to a point where the frustration begins to manifest in resentment and destructive behaviour - you need to do something before that happens.

    Think of it like a vitamin deficiency, you can limp along for a long time without vitamin C, but the health problems that occur over time become more and more acute, eventually becoming terminal for the relationship.

    The feeling of guilt, because all of the other things in the relationship are fine, good and he treats you like a prince just cloud the matter -you need to work out if you can, or if you want to live without that part of your life being fulfilled... and be very honest with yourself.

    You're a very handsome man, and I feel your pain - just dont let it last for 17 years, because one day you'll realise your youth has been spent waiting for things to get better.

    xxx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 1:09 PM GMT
    divvy198509 saidits not a problem with his dick, its a problem with his mind that is affecting his dick function.



    Unless you seek professional help, be prepared for things to continue as they are. Any competant Psychiatrist or Psychologist will make him go to a Urologist first to rule out any sort of organic disorder.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 1:39 PM GMT
    divvy's profile says he's a doctor - I'm thinking he knows that..
  • LoveAndPeace

    Posts: 460

    Jul 15, 2013 3:16 PM GMT
    You both have got to sit down and talk about how you both can overcome this problem.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jul 15, 2013 3:21 PM GMT
    turbobilly saidUnless you seek professional help, be prepared for things to continue as they are. Any competant Psychiatrist or Psychologist will make him go to a Urologist first to rule out any sort of organic disorder.


    This. A psychologist will send him to a doctor to rule out physical conditions, but it sounds like he's suffering from depression to me.

    It can work out -- just urge him to seek help. Oh, the things we do for love, but it's worth it. It may start by an honest conversation about whether or not you love each other -- or whether y'all just have a really great friendship.
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Jul 15, 2013 3:27 PM GMT
    It sounds like you've made a really great friend. Whatever you decide, that part is worth preserving.

    If passion has always been absent in your relationship, what was it that brought you two together?

    For me, a somewhat new relationship without passion, intimacy, cuddling, and sex would drive me to make changes.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 3:48 PM GMT
    divvy198509 saidits not a problem with his dick, its a problem with his mind that is affecting his dick function.

    Thanks for the compliment x


    While it certainly sounds like there's a psychological component here, if he's not even jerking off it may be physiological. Most anabolic steroids suppress natural testosterone production, and if he did not come off of it correctly he may not have adequately recovered. He should have his testosterone levels checked by a doctor. He may need treatment to get back to a normal level.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    sc69 saidIts time to have an honest conversation with him - and find out his views on intimacy and desire;

    .

    The feeling of guilt, because all of the other things in the relationship are fine, good and he treats you like a prince just cloud the matter -you need to work out if you can, or if you want to live without that part of your life being fulfilled... and be very honest with yourself.

    You're a very handsome man, and I feel your pain - just dont let it last for 17 years, because one day you'll realise your youth has been spent waiting for things to get better.

    xxx



    **** Been there.....so TRUE sc69
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    Sound like he has real problems. Either he does not want to have sex with you because he thinks it will ruin your relationship (I had this problem for a while) or he is using you for something else.

    Maybe it is time for you to move on. I know you want to help him. But, sometimes you can not change another person and it is more healthy for you to find someone else or step back and reevaluated what you want.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    turbobilly said
    divvy198509 saidits not a problem with his dick, its a problem with his mind that is affecting his dick function.



    Unless you seek professional help, be prepared for things to continue as they are. Any competant Psychiatrist or Psychologist will make him go to a Urologist first to rule out any sort of organic disorder.

    Good luck.


    I'm a doctor, there is no physical issue, as he wakes up with a boner sometimes, his dick is able to get hard, I promise its all psychological. x What you said makes perfect sense though. Thank you, xx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 4:58 PM GMT
    It probably has to do with his own issues, and not with you. But, if he is not willing to work on his own issues -- in individual counseling and/or in couples counseling with you and him together -- then it may be time to move on. (Yes, I speak from experience.) The telltale detail for me is that he's just as averse to cuddling as he is to intercourse.

    (And I'm really sorry to hear about your pain and frustration and hope things get better for you.)
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jul 15, 2013 5:29 PM GMT
    """"""Chapter 4: HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU IF HE’S NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU: When men like you, they want to touch you, always.
    •If he were into you, he would be having a hard time keeping his paws off you. If a man is not trying to undress you, he’s not into you."""""icon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 5:41 PM GMT
    He could be asexual; but even most asexuals at least masturbate.
    <--
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Having such a lack of intimacy in your relationship has to be hard.

    Try counseling, so that whatever is bothering him can be out in the open and the two of you can work on reestablishing your sex life. If he's as good as you say he is, he'll be willing to work through this to better his relationship with you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    Are you living together?
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Jul 15, 2013 6:31 PM GMT
    He has some other hidden issues. I am a diabetic have been on Cialis for several years. Sex can be great again but sounds like he doesnt want to try anymore. Val
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    Jul 15, 2013 11:45 PM GMT
    It sounds like this guy means the world to you. Once you break up with him and have sex with other guys you'll realize you'll be getting the sex but never that feeling of love and nurture.

    If I were you, I'd explain to him deeply how much you want/need this, maybe he's willing to open the relationship? If not, maybe if he sees your real desire for it, because you love him and want to go to the next level, not because you love sex, maybe then he'll be more cooperative.

    If he really is as caring as you say, he'll understand that he needs to put his pride aside and try to do 'something' to bring you pleasure. As of now though, he's not sounding too empathetic.

    Best of luck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 12:10 AM GMT
    Thanks for all the advice boys.

    He has been depressed and is on antidepressants, he has some issues there that I don't fully understand. I am fed up with trying to understand and have ended things. I'm quite certain that we will maintain a friendship though and am happy with that.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 12:13 AM GMT
    [quote][cite]tanbod said[/cite]It sounds like this guy means the world to you. Once you break up with him and have sex with other guys you'll realize you'll be getting the sex but never that feeling of love and nurture.

    This is what I was so scared of and what made me want to wait for so long, but I liked a previous poster's vitamin deficiency analogy. You can limp along for so long but eventually the acute problems occur. This is exactly what happened and I'm sure I will find someone just as loving and nurturing, even if it does take a long time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 12:19 AM GMT
    divvy198509 said[quote][cite]tanbod said[/cite]It sounds like this guy means the world to you. Once you break up with him and have sex with other guys you'll realize you'll be getting the sex but never that feeling of love and nurture.

    This is what I was so scared of and what made me want to wait for so long, but I liked a previous poster's vitamin deficiency analogy. You can limp along for so long but eventually the acute problems occur. This is exactly what happened and I'm sure I will find someone just as loving and nurturing, even if it does take a long time.


    That's true. I mean sex 6x in one year... Lord bless your soul boy! I know I wouldn't have began the relationship before a couple dozen times haha but everyone has their ways
  • camfer

    Posts: 891

    Jul 17, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    divvy198509 saidThanks for all the advice boys.

    He has been depressed and is on antidepressants, he has some issues there that I don't fully understand. I am fed up with trying to understand and have ended things. I'm quite certain that we will maintain a friendship though and am happy with that.


    I think you'll be a good friend to him.

    So how many date requests did you get from this site once you announced you're single? icon_biggrin.gif