Has drugs and alcohol ever destroyed your friendship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 1:48 PM GMT
    This is something which I see happening me and my best friend who I have been pals with ever since meeting him in 7th grade. Here's some facts about him. He's straight. Same age as me. His dad is a millionaire as he owns a large steel manufacturing industry, owns several houses. They don't live in a gated community just normal suburbia next to every day people. He fucked up at university in his first year after being influenced by weed. He crashed is brand new BMW, his father like couldn't care less as he brought him a brand new one. He goes abroad like 4 times a year outside Europe and goes to every live Arsenal game on Saturdays. He lives on fast food, he's gained 5st since age 16 and is a proper lardy. He right academic and science comes natural to him. You sort of get the idea of the sort of person he is, but we have so much banter and love him to bits. Good old laughs over the years.

    Over the past 2 years I have noticed a change in him. He's always out drinking and getting stoned every day. He never use to be like this. Yeah I'm not judging those who go out and have a good time, but its sorta having a effect on social occasions. For instance he would always turn out 2 hours late when going on a night out, saying things like I gotta pop over somewhere to collect summin in a town like 30 mins drive from us without telling us before hand. If he's organising a social occassion he leaves things to the last minute and takes hours to get things right. He drives whilst he's drunk. I once brought us tickets to see Rhianna and it took him like 4 months until he paid me back even though he is loaded. He never picks up his phone. He's always losing his mobile and wallet..lots more and its just getting out of order now!

    What can I do to get our friendship back?
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jul 15, 2013 2:45 PM GMT
    tell him to fix up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 2:51 PM GMT
    fable saidtell him to fix up.


    yep. If he's being a dick, tell him so. If you're such close friends, you should be able to do that.

    Personally, I don't let people treat me like crap. I've dumped a friend of 15yrs recently because he continually fails to change his ways.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    I've lost friends to overdoses so that kind of destroyed those friendships.

    Most recently, a few years back, I lost another friend, a functional alcoholic, who always became belligerent when he'd have one too many, every night. That's when I'd excuse myself from his company.

    He was always kind of a crappy friend, actually, never wanting anything to do with me unless he needed a drinking buddy that night. Did a few lunches with me and he'd stop by my place often as I lived downtown near the bars, but never did sober activity with me, never invited me to be with his family when in town, only had dinner with my family once. Bullshit, really.

    He did have huge intimacy problems, not just with me, but with everyone. But towards the end of our relationship, instead of just treating me like shit only when he was very drunk, he started treating me like shit all the time so I told him that the next time I want someone to treat me like shit, I'd give him a call.

    I clicked him onto ignore just like I do with anyone who treats me like shit.

    We were friends for 20 years. Trying to be as supportive as I could without interfering, I watched him destroy himself with booze, destroying his relationships, pissing blood. I don't think I'd ever want to experience that again. From a professional level I could do it but not at the level of friendship. I've seen what that is. You can't live someone's life for them.

    Save the world one person at a time; start with yourself.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    Has drugs and alcohol ever destroyed your friendship?

    No, never happened with an existing friendship. But has prevented me from beginning a friendship with someone who already had those problems. I guess pre-screening is a smart step.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 4:02 PM GMT
    I have friends that I've grown up with who only want to get drunk and get high thats the only way they have fun and I'm the complete opposite. I like being of sound mind and not knowing whats going on around me is not my idea of a good time. I dont drink AT ALL or do any sort of drugs and as a result some of my friends and I have stopped hanging out regularly because we dont relate to each other anymore.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19119

    Jul 15, 2013 4:03 PM GMT
    Yes, I have walked away from more than one friendship because I simply could not watch the self destruction any longer.
  • dtbro

    Posts: 8

    Jul 15, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    My best bud from college had a major head trauma during a night of partying following several years of behavior which sound similar to your description of your friend. He was in a coma for a week and now has some deficits.

    Your friend is not your responsibility. If he is continuing down this path, you either continue with him or go your own way. You can get people to change some, but not often as much as I think you want him to change.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 15, 2013 5:12 PM GMT
    Your friend obviously has some very serious problems. You can not fix them, only he can (probably with professional help), and he can only fix them when he comes out of denial and acknowledges to himself that he has a problem that needs fixing.

    Being a good friend in a situation like this means being clear with yourself and setting boundaries. You need to tell him exactly how his behavior is impacting your life and that if he doesn't change you're going to have to distance yourself from him. Once that's done, you need to work at maintaining that distance, staying true to your word for yourself.

    It is a sad situation, I know, but you have to recognize and accept your limitations.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 7:24 PM GMT
    My best friends from College are dead . There is not much you can do about it. They won't listen to preaching about cleaning up their life. You can watch them downward spiral or not.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 7:25 PM GMT
    Its soo hard to talk to him. Everytime I ask him he needs helps he's hangover and stoned and says things like "Naaa man i'm koool mate.ahh soo fucking hungry.Oh chill out maan" Its the same everytime =(
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    Jul 15, 2013 7:37 PM GMT
    Don't blame the drugs - I made that mistake and it just derails the issue and you end up debating what constitutes reasonable use which is a difficult discussion to have in the gay community because substance abuse is almost an accepted norm.

    Its the results of the drugs that are upsetting you anyway - so focus on those. Tell him you don't like waiting or being forgotten about and you miss having fun with him like you used to etc. If he can't clean up his act and meet you halfway, that's your queue to move on. You can't fix other people. All you can do is tell them what they need to hear.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 10:31 PM GMT
    SharpX saidThis is something which I see happening me and my best friend who I have been pals with ever since meeting him in 7th grade. Here's some facts about him. He's straight. Same age as me. His dad is a millionaire as he owns a large steel manufacturing industry, owns several houses. They don't live in a gated community just normal suburbia next to every day people. He fucked up at university in his first year after being influenced by weed. He crashed is brand new BMW, his father like couldn't care less as he brought him a brand new one. He goes abroad like 4 times a year outside Europe and goes to every live Arsenal game on Saturdays. He lives on fast food, he's gained 5st since age 16 and is a proper lardy. He right academic and science comes natural to him. You sort of get the idea of the sort of person he is, but we have so much banter and love him to bits. Good old laughs over the years.

    Over the past 2 years I have noticed a change in him. He's always out drinking and getting stoned every day. He never use to be like this. Yeah I'm not judging those who go out and have a good time, but its sorta having a effect on social occasions. For instance he would always turn out 2 hours late when going on a night out, saying things like I gotta pop over somewhere to collect summin in a town like 30 mins drive from us without telling us before hand. If he's organising a social occassion he leaves things to the last minute and takes hours to get things right. He drives whilst he's drunk. I once brought us tickets to see Rhianna and it took him like 4 months until he paid me back even though he is loaded. He never picks up his phone. He's always losing his mobile and wallet..lots more and its just getting out of order now!

    What can I do to get our friendship back?


    Sucks, huh?

    The best thing you can do is to let your friend have some space. I know, it's hard. Your instinct is to try to save him, but, he needs to have a few hard knocks. After he does, he'll be around. He is having growing pains. He needs some space, even though you care, and even though it hurts...you have to let him experience some things so he will learn. It's probably gonna' be one of the harder things you've done, emotionally, but, you gotta' let him find his "bottom." Once he does, hopefully, things (perspective; behavior; choices) will come into line. He is still your friend. He needs some time to get through his growing pains. As you grow older, and...you will, you'll come to understand this better. You could intervene, but, he's not ready for that, and it's best to be there if he needs you, but, not be an enabler, nor to preach to him. Just don't get in the middle of it. He needs to fall and get up on his own. It may mean jail. It may mean his folks laying down the law. It could mean he ends up as "Arthur". Time will tell, but...remember this: you can only control you. Issuing ultimatums, and preaching, will only drive you apart. Be solid as a friend; but...refuse to be an enabler.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 10:38 PM GMT
    In high school some of my friends and I were in a little 5 piece band. We were good and had some fun, but more and more the other guys were getting into pot and other things. When loaded, they wouldn't be interested in seriously rehearsing - - they'd just laugh off the rest of the afternoon and we'd get nothing done (with our list of songs we were working on). Finally - I'd just had it, and I started concentrating on water polo and my time spent working out with the team. I couldn't stand hanging out with my druggie friends anymore, which was too bad, because without the drugs, they were good guys.
  • pharmstudent

    Posts: 162

    Jul 16, 2013 2:27 AM GMT
    I had two really good friends that I really loved; one was a college friend, he became alcoholic and dropout. When I first met him he refused to drink because of family history, but he eventually caved in as eveyone else. My other friend almost committed suicide on seroquel this past June. Well at least he's currently in rehab. I think the hardest part for me is I feel guilty for not preventing or protecting them from abusing such things. I don't abuse alcohol or drug but I don't have the power to stop others from abusing them.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:50 AM GMT
    OP - In order to get your friendship back, your friend needs to see his dysfunctional behavior and that it's coming from a dysfunctional family. You said his dad didn't give a shit when he crashed his BMW. That tells me he has very little family support, if any. You can definitely support him but until he recognizes that his behavior is damaging himself, the people around him and seeks help, then it's not much of a friendship.
  • GAYBIGMACHODU...

    Posts: 1357

    Jul 28, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    Yes,I have lost friendships due to drugs and alcohol in the past.they were heavy beer drinkers,drug addicts,alcoholics,
    and heavy smokers.I dumped them as friends years ago because
    I'm not into using drugs myself.I'm allergic to second hand
    smoke.I'm a very health conscious guy that cares about his
    own health and health needs.I was abused by alcoholic men
    in the past.I live a drug free lifestyle.I live a smoke
    free lifestyle.I live an alcohol free lifestyle these days.
    That's why I rather meet other gay single men like myself
    online than in public places these days.I don't want to deal
    with bad boys or smokers or drug users or alcoholics or drama
    freaks at all.I have got better things to do than hang out
    with drug users,smokers,alcoholics,bad boys,drama freaks.
    I rather read,play computers,play video games,watch tv,
    watch gay porn,watch gay movies,surf the web,watch tv shows,
    watch home movies than hang out with smokers,drug users,bad
    boys,alcoholics and other drama freaks any day.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 28, 2013 6:52 PM GMT
    You can't help your friend off alcohol and drugs - only he can do it for himself, when (if ever) he is ready to do it. There are lots of recovery programs out there, but they don't work for anyone who is not ready to embrace them. It can be hard to watch someone you like in the downward spiral of addiction. You have to decide how much contact you want to have with a guy in that situation.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Jul 28, 2013 7:47 PM GMT
    My five year friendship with my now ex was destroyed by his increasing alcoholism and borderline bipolar mood swings. One fed the other. Finally, I had enough!
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 28, 2013 7:55 PM GMT
    What does he have to live for?

    I mean that with sincerity. You take away goals, the desire to improve oneself, self respect and respect for others and what do you have?

    What was "fucked up" was he should have had those desires and requirements instilled into him as a kid, now he's skating along, living on Daddy's money.
    This reminds me of an unfortunate situation with siblings of one of our good RJ members who I know very well. Very sad.

    And no, I haven't been "first row" in seeing this sort of thing, but kudos for being concerned. It may be a little late for you to help, but I'd talk to the family if you can.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2013 7:56 PM GMT
    RNCH~~
    You're not referring to the paramedic dude are you? icon_eek.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2013 8:08 PM GMT
    I stopped talking to my childhood best friend when we were 15. It unfortunately went from a beautiful, innocent relationship to one where I didn't feel safe around him. At first, with him, it was just pot, which didn't bother me at all. But then he started popping pills and getting involved with increasingly bad crowds. He stopped going to school.

    At this point we had already drifted apart a bit, but I really felt terrible whenever I was around him. His friends scared me and nothing was the same as it used to be. I blew him off four years ago and have not said a word to him since. I deeply regret never giving him an explanation for why I stopped talking to him, but I was 15 at the time, i.e. not a man who knew how to properly deal with serious relationships.

    Sad as it is, I'm much better off without having him in my life.