Dealing with an ex - friends or not? (this is long)

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 15, 2013 9:36 PM GMT
    My ex and I have known each other for 7 years now. We were together 4.5 years.

    Because we worked together we stayed pretty much right next to each other for the first year or so after we broke up.

    I soon found that I needed to have him totally out of my life because without that I couldn't heal. He didn't understand this and said that being friends was ok and that we could do it. I tried but it didn't work for me. I tell people that the reason I moved back to the US was because of the financial crisis but the real reason was to get far away from him. But still he stayed in touch. Skype and Facetime was a regular thing - sometimes once a day. He called crying a few times saying he missed me. He called to talk about work. He called to gossip. Then he told me he found a job in Dubai and that he was moving. I thought that would really end things but it didn't. About a week after he arrived in Dubai and he was working I wrote to him and told him good luck, all the best and goodbye (in Czech what I wrote meant goodbye forever). He wrote back asking if I knew what it meant and I said yes and that it was time for both of us to move on with our lives and that I never really got over the break up and needed time to get over him. I said I just need time to heal and that I would appreciate if he let me do that. He called me an asshole.

    I called him to talk face to face and he just cried about how homesick he was blah blah blah. I felt bad and talked him down and suggested that he find some friends and go out and not just stay home and that things would get better and better as time passed. I mentioned one guy I saw on his FB page and said what about "Bill"? He said, he's not a friend; he's self centered etc and he didn't really like him (although he went out with him as evidenced by his FB locations). By his own admission he said a friend is someone you care for and that this guy was not a friend.

    So here's how it ends. He tried calling me a half a dozen times about two weekends ago and texted a few times. I didn't reply to any of them. Coincidentally, his birthday was at the same time. I completely let it pass without a FB comment, text or call. I guess he got the hint. He changed his FB privacy settings so that we're acquaintances making it impossible for me to see his friends but didn't un-friend me. I didn't un friend him either.

    It's been 10 days and I'm hurting like hell. I feel as though this time will only further the distance and that over time I won't be his friend. He has said countless times that I'll always be the love of his life (not sure what he meant actually) and his best friend.

    What to do? Keep up the no contact? Or reach out at some point, event to say hello? Or, as I was thinking, wait until Christmas when there's a real reason to reach out?

    (By the way, my birthday is in September so it will be interesting to see if he reaches out first.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 15, 2013 11:29 PM GMT
    I'm gonna be honest, OP. I don't know who broke up with who, but you created the distance and shut him down. You can't get mad at him for trying to move on, because that's the message you have sent (especially with saying goodbye forever). If he's your friend, then ignoring him and expecting him to come back for another beating is unrealistic. Even the most altruistic and caring of people can only handle a one-way friendship for so long. He has absolutely no reason to reach out to you at this point. If you want a friendship, talk to him. Otherwise, you need let him go.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 1:32 AM GMT
    Hey Jay..
    You know i'm always stopping in to see your threads.

    ..Hey you know you have to purge this guy out of your system..

    Here's to 'one day at a time !!'

    Why on God's earth were you so afraid to do this a while ago..

    ..It's the only way!

    Hugs..and i'll be looking out for ya icon_smile.gif

    Love
    Sandy Vagina ! icon_biggrin.gif

  • jayatl56

    Posts: 463

    Jul 16, 2013 2:49 PM GMT
    "I'm gonna be honest, OP. I don't know who broke up with who, but you created the distance and shut him down. You can't get mad at him for trying to move on, because that's the message you have sent (especially with saying goodbye forever). If he's your friend, then ignoring him and expecting him to come back for another beating is unrealistic. Even the most altruistic and caring of people can only handle a one-way friendship for so long. He has absolutely no reason to reach out to you at this point. If you want a friendship, talk to him. Otherwise, you need let him go."

    He spent a weekend with another guy in another city - even made the hotel reservations. I found out and when he got home, I told him that he needed to leave. Then I found that he was going out with other guys on a fairly regular basis. So who broke up with who? I think he broke up with me months before actually physically moving out - and didn't move out because he was living for free (ok, he bought groceries from time to time). It's one thing to have an open relationship (which we did not have) but it's another to lie and not just be open with what you're going through.

    He's kept up the contact, not me. He said that when I visited Prague I could stay with him. He was upset when I said I'd stay with another friend. Then, since he moved to Dubai, he's invited me to visit him there. I'm NOT interested. And even after I let his birthday pass, he still writes asking why I'm ignoring him. WTF?

    It's three years later and it's still going on. Why? Who and/or what am I to him? Why does he call me all the time? Why does he WANT to talk to me all the time? My guess is that there's still some emotional attachment to me. Why else would he continue this?

    And still, I think I have a right to tell him to stop and let me move on. We might be friends in the future but right now I'm still hurting and can't do it.

    NOTE: So I decided to call him to try again to explain why I want to be left alone. He answers and tells me all about his driving class in Dubai. I stop him and tell him why I'm calling - that I'm still hurting and that talking to him won't help me heal. He says "well, I'm fine" and laughs. I said, I call you to talk to you about this and you laugh at me. He says he was joking. What a narcissistic fuck!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 12:46 AM GMT
    You were doing so well...

    .. What were you expecting when you called?
    An engaging, rational conversation?

    ..Dunno Jay.. Keeping my fingers crossed for ya.. icon_neutral.gif