Why do good relationships fail?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:23 AM GMT
    I've seen it time and time again: two friends start a relationship and they are just perfect together, lots in common, intelligent, non-drama, then bam, within months, it's over. Why can't we commit? Are we unwilling to compromise? Always looking for the next best thing? Career before marriage? Just curious what others have experienced...
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:30 AM GMT
    Your thread title question is an open book. Good relationships that end quickly are more complex than we think. There are far too many reasons on why breakups occur and I think those reasons lie with the specific couple and not necessarily with the community as a whole.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jul 16, 2013 10:45 AM GMT
    Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
    Perfect situations must go wrong
    But this has never yet prevented me
    Wanting far too much for far too long.
    Looking back I could have played it differently
    Won a few more moments who can tell
    But it took time to understand the man
    Now at least I know I know him well
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 11:03 AM GMT
    EGO plays a big role!
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    Jul 16, 2013 11:09 AM GMT
    Threads like this always make me wonder why people have such a hard time commiting, when Ive managed to be with the same man for six years. Maybe because he isnt perfect and makes no effort to impress me, maybe because we're total opposites, or maybe because I take care of that beautiful dick of his like no other. Either way, we make it work and it takes almost no effort.

    Ten years ago I never wouldve even been friends with someone like him. I always wanted to be with smart, tall, blond, athletic, professional types. Instead I ended up with a loud-mouthed short bodybuilder turned fitness model, thats admittedly gorgeous, but overly polished. He has his sweet and tender moments occasionally, but for the most part, he's egotistical and narcissistic and I dont like that in guys. But somehow, the fucker stole my heart.

    I guess my point is maybe guys expect too much and wont open their eyes to something outside of what they usually prefer? If I had done that Id probably still be alone. But because I got to know him first and learned to accept him as he is, I snagged a (halfway) decent one and held on for six great years...so far.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jul 16, 2013 11:55 AM GMT
    I was in one for 4 years.
    I guess having a nice tight body, tight ass, clear face, nice, giving, and caring guy wasn't enough.

    The nerve of some people.
  • Rene_Aensland

    Posts: 2495

    Jul 16, 2013 11:57 AM GMT
    pf0081 saidgood relationships don't fail


    Clearly.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 16, 2013 12:38 PM GMT
    Good relationships can become great and vice versa. But what some forget is, even the best relationships must be nurtured to maintain themselves. They can be like "a car on a highway" and can go wrong under bad conditions.
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:10 PM GMT
    pf0081 saidgood relationships don't fail

    Probably this.
    Then again, all relationships fail until the one that doesn't.
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:18 PM GMT
    Relationships fail when communication breaks down....Open relationships are the way to go as gay men can't commit ... They are the most successful as they are more honest
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:22 PM GMT
    matmuscle saidRelationships fail when communication breaks down....Open relationships are the way to go as gay men can't commit ... They are the most successful as they are more honest


    It's not that gay men can't commit. It's that they won't.
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    Jul 16, 2013 3:07 PM GMT
    TerraFirma said
    matmuscle saidRelationships fail when communication breaks down....Open relationships are the way to go as gay men can't commit ... They are the most successful as they are more honest


    It's not that gay men can't commit. It's that they won't.


    Not always, TerraFirma. I always consider that many have been raised in environments where who and how they love was condemned as wrong, dirty, sinful, evil, sick and unworkable/not possible etc from a very early age. It can take a long time, sometimes requiring assistance from others, for that wrong to be righted.

    *grieving a bit here*
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    Jul 16, 2013 3:13 PM GMT
    Rene_Aensland saidI was in one for 4 years.
    I guess having a nice tight body, tight ass, clear face, nice, giving, and caring guy wasn't enough.

    The nerve of some people.

    What else were you looking for? icon_eek.gif jk
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    Jul 16, 2013 3:18 PM GMT
    It's a lot easier to break if off then it is to work it out. I think a lot goes back to our (gay community) lack of knowing how to love and what a relationship requires. They're not all peaches and cream, they take work, patience, understanding, listening, caring, loving.

    It's easy to jump ship when the tough parts come but love grows deeper when you work through the tough times, learn from them and show you're in it for the long haul.

    To the OP: 'Months' means dating, getting to know each other. That's not a relationship for the long haul, that's determining if there's enough to try for the long haul. Some are not going to make it, those that are will work hard to get past the struggles from months to years.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 16, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    I agree that communication is key. People think that just because they can talk (or write), they can communicate. Not so. The bigger half of communication is learning to listen and not to just the words but to what is really going on in the other guy. And then having compassion for it.

    Commitment is key, too. There has to be a willingness to commit and actually "partner" with the other guy. You're in life together. So you're there to help one another with the inevitable problems of life.

    I've been in both open and monogamous relationships, each has their positives and negatives. Either way, establishing clear boundaries through open, non-judgemental communication, is essential.

    Maturity is another factor. I think it is harder for younger guys (in general, obviously it depends on the guy) to commit and communicate effectively.

    Finally, social pressures also play a big part. Lets face it, growing up in a htero-normative world, we don't see long-term, committed gay relationships around us in our communities or shown in movies and such. With the very rare exception, we don't grow up knowing gay couples and seeing how they are with one another or having them as role models. Moreover, we don't have them as common and continuous social support. (One of my partners and I were in a gay couple's support group, meeting every third week, for over seven years -- with 7 other couples!) Where straights are 'expected' to get married, raise families and 'fit in' with society, there is no such social expectation for gay men. We, as individuals, may be out more or less but gays are still not truly integrated into the over-reaching culture and society in which we live.

    So, its complicated. Personally, I think the most important thing we can do is be supportive of our gay brothers who are trying to make a life together.

  • averie

    Posts: 2

    Jul 16, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    Well let's see, here's my input: I think its because this world we live in today moves at such a pace that some people don't have time to discover themselves and who they are anymore OR could it be that some are afraid they will end up alone so when things are good they scared it won't last so they end it, and move on to the next and this way becoming jumpers they won't end up alone?
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    Jul 16, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    Shawnathan saidI don't agree with the posters suggesting that a relationship that doesn't last forever is not a good one. Who ever said that we were meant to mate for life? Why can't we have several amazing, loving relationships throughout our lives?


    I agree. And I think the reason most people can't accept this way of thinking about relationships is because by our very nature we are selfish. We want to own things and possess people. The truth is is that you can't own or possess someone. A successful loving relationship is one in which each allows the other to continually grow and develop even if it means either one or the other grows and develops apart. True love would revel in the blossoming of the beloved.

    The ideal of course is to grow and develop as individuals in order to enhance the couple relationship. That's the tricky part.
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    Jul 16, 2013 4:18 PM GMT
    turbofan saidThreads like this always make me wonder why people have such a hard time commiting, when Ive managed to be with the same man for six years. Maybe because he isnt perfect and makes no effort to impress me, maybe because we're total opposites, or maybe because I take care of that beautiful dick of his like no other. Either way, we make it work and it takes almost no effort.

    Ten years ago I never wouldve even been friends with someone like him. I always wanted to be with smart, tall, blond, athletic, professional types. Instead I ended up with a loud-mouthed short bodybuilder turned fitness model, thats admittedly gorgeous, but overly polished. He has his sweet and tender moments occasionally, but for the most part, he's egotistical and narcissistic and I dont like that in guys. But somehow, the fucker stole my heart.

    I guess my point is maybe guys expect too much and wont open their eyes to something outside of what they usually prefer? If I had done that Id probably still be alone. But because I got to know him first and learned to accept him as he is, I snagged a (halfway) decent one and held on for six great years...so far.


    Hilarious and a great answer icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 4:20 PM GMT

    Ugh! I will skip some icon_rolleyes.gif.. and write down some positive notes from here.

    large.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 16, 2013 4:26 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidTrue love would revel in the blossoming of the beloved.

    The ideal of course is to grow and develop as individuals in order to enhance the couple relationship. That's the tricky part.

    Totally agree.
  • Ducky49

    Posts: 32

    Jul 16, 2013 5:40 PM GMT
    If the relationship is soooo good it would not "FAIL" really!
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    Jul 16, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    I don't believe good relationships fail. If communication is open and both parties want to make it work then its bound to work.
    However if you give up after about6 months because that honey moon phase is over then it is what it is.
    relationships are work. Its a full time job.
    I've been in a relationship a little over a year and we both love one another but there have been slip ups and we argue and bicker but we work through it.
    if you do that, build a solid foundation you're doing great.

    If one just wants to look for the next best thing and your arguments consist of sex then you're not going to go far. There is more to a solid relationship then sex.
    I think that's hard for gay men.
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    Jul 16, 2013 5:51 PM GMT
    turbofan saidThreads like this always make me wonder why people have such a hard time commiting, when Ive managed to be with the same man for six years. Maybe because he isnt perfect and makes no effort to impress me, maybe because we're total opposites, or maybe because I take care of that beautiful dick of his like no other. Either way, we make it work and it takes almost no effort.

    Ten years ago I never wouldve even been friends with someone like him. I always wanted to be with smart, tall, blond, athletic, professional types. Instead I ended up with a loud-mouthed short bodybuilder turned fitness model, thats admittedly gorgeous, but overly polished. He has his sweet and tender moments occasionally, but for the most part, he's egotistical and narcissistic and I dont like that in guys. But somehow, the fucker stole my heart.

    I guess my point is maybe guys expect too much and wont open their eyes to something outside of what they usually prefer? If I had done that Id probably still be alone. But because I got to know him first and learned to accept him as he is, I snagged a (halfway) decent one and held on for six great years...so far.


    This is exactly how I feel about my bf too. It almost felt like I wrote it.
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    Jul 16, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    Because someone else has something in their relationship that they don't have and it eats away at them
    Because they can't tolerate their partner's family
    Because they think they're better than their partner
    Because they can't agree on money or how to raise their kids

    Just to name a few...
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    Jul 16, 2013 6:05 PM GMT
    In order for a relationship to succeed both ppl need to show up everyday and participate in the daily rituals of whatever it is their building towards. Often when things get too routine, one often gets bored, feels neglected and wonders how green the grass is on the other side of the fence.