The true feelings.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 2:36 AM GMT
    Everyone has a secret or hidden feelings that we do not want others to know. It might not scary but it could be emotional. I have some stuff that bother me that I want to talk or ask for advice....but yet I do feel like revealing such information will make me so vulnerable....is this site good for emotional or meaningful chat for advices?
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    Jul 16, 2013 3:29 AM GMT
    I think so, unlike other sites...this is way better & a lot of meaningful discussions.

    There are 3 ways
    1. look at the people's responses in forums and if you find anyone whom you think always gives good responses and good advices, ask them in person...if they're good, they'll always help you. (before entering into the conversation, ask them first)
    This is time consuming process & often you'll get little or no response from others.
    2. Create a fake ID and ask!
    Personally I don't like this because it's like hiding. but if you feel uncomfortable of feel vulnerable, you can try this.
    This is fast...
    3. Have courage and post directly.
    This is also fast...
    This is also fast, but you'll be much admired by others for being honest.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 4:03 AM GMT
    Now that I think about it, I should not have ask that question. I partially know the answer yet I try to seek a respond. We all have those moment, but thanks for the respond!
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    Jul 16, 2013 4:41 AM GMT
    If you want to ask, then go ahead!
    but, since you feel vulnerable, first ask yourself..."what exactly am I looking for?!" then things may get clear & you can decide whether to ask or not.

    yes, we all have secrets..at least most, most I mean 99.9999% of us.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 5:29 AM GMT
    My concern if someone doesn't have the same background or live in an area similar to you, how would they be able to relate or answer your questions.
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    Jul 16, 2013 6:28 AM GMT
    I'm sorry, I didn't get that!
    Do you mean that if a person like me who's not with the same background or live in the same area as yours cannot answer your questions? am I right?
    If so, you can ask someone who is...
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 16, 2013 6:58 AM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues saidMy concern if someone doesn't have the same background or live in an area similar to you, how would they be able to relate or answer your questions.

    You could seek out people who you think have similar backgrounds to you, though sometimes there are cases when an "outsiders'" perspective can actually be beneficial because they may notice things you didn't or simply help you see things differently. Without knowing the details of your situation, you're the best judge as to which one would help you.
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    Jul 16, 2013 7:04 AM GMT
    Harry7785 saidI'm sorry, I didn't get that!
    Do you mean that if a person like me who's not with the same background or live in the same area as yours cannot answer your questions? am I right?
    If so, you can ask someone who is...


    It was just a philosophical response. I don't mean to make you feel bad or different, but it was just a thought that ran through my head at the moment.
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    Jul 16, 2013 7:06 AM GMT
    The_Guruburu said
    AbsoluteVirtues saidMy concern if someone doesn't have the same background or live in an area similar to you, how would they be able to relate or answer your questions.

    You could seek out people who you think have similar backgrounds to you, though sometimes there are cases when an "outsiders'" perspective can actually be beneficial because they may notice things you didn't or simply help you see things differently. Without knowing the details of your situation, you're the best judge as to which one would help you.


    I thank you for your response but I don't think most people bother to help. I just think the percentage of that is really low....why would they...if they don't really know you. Not a lot of people will help strangers....I understand that sounds very negative.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 16, 2013 7:10 AM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues said
    The_Guruburu said
    AbsoluteVirtues saidMy concern if someone doesn't have the same background or live in an area similar to you, how would they be able to relate or answer your questions.

    You could seek out people who you think have similar backgrounds to you, though sometimes there are cases when an "outsiders'" perspective can actually be beneficial because they may notice things you didn't or simply help you see things differently. Without knowing the details of your situation, you're the best judge as to which one would help you.


    I thank you for your response but I don't think most people bother to help. I just think the percentage of that is really low....why would they...if they don't really know you. Not a lot of people will help strangers....I understand that sounds very negative.

    Well, put it this way: if you ask 30 people for help, you may get 1, 3, or even 10 people who are willing to help. But if you ask no one for help, you are guaranteed to get 0 people helping you. If you're in need of help, you don't need "most" people to help you, just one icon_smile.gif

    Edit: Also, I forgot to say that some people do like helping others, even if we don't really know them. I use a lot of snark and make flippiant remarks on the forums because there's so much nonsense I can't take much of it seriously. (Also, typing out thoughtful responses on an iPad is really cumbersome). But I genuinely like helping people and believe that if more people could find happiness, we'd have less problems in this world. I'm sure there are others who feel the same way.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 16, 2013 7:55 AM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues saidOk here goes.....I guess at least online people don't really know who I am so I do not have to feel so weak.......I came to US when I was 12 and was raising up with strict moral and absolute right and wrong in life. The qualities I was raise up with are honor, trust, honesty, dignity. My parents raise me up to be as good person as I can be. Which I love and hate because these qualities stuck with me and are the main parts of my belief and being. It makes me feel so naive in the real world because I feel like I am too nice.
    I have been alone since I was 12. I learn to deal with emotional issues on my own and learn to use my own power to be independent of any one. I thank science and psychology because they put my feelings and emotion into rational concepts. For the last 13 years pretty much I am alone. Joy and happiness are experienced just by me. I am very lonely, it is sad at times but it has its benefit. I don't have friends and I have americanized my thoughts so much that I don't really fit in with my family. I tried to make friends over the year but I transfer school so my friendship just ended then.

    I guess my issues was that I feel alone. I thought I am so independent and will never need anyone, but the truth is I yearn for a true friendship. But a true friendship isn't an easy thing. I am not sure what is it like where you are from but United States is an individualistic country.

    It is just hard for me to find where I belong because I don't really fit in with the gay community, my ethnic or racial group, or family. It is also hard for me to make friends because I feel like I carry alot of baggage and friendship takes time. My priority right now is my career I hope when it is all established the other issues will worked out.

    These are some of my thoughts that I afraid some people will judge me if they know.....I mean real life people. I have extreme loyalty and will sacrifice myself for people i love but I can't reveal those feeling because you will be taking advantage of....

    The process of acculturation, your nationalities, your sexuality, and presence of racism or stereotypes and my experiences change the way I see things in life. Perhaps I will be alone for the rest of my life. That is what I am afraid of. I hate emotions....if only I was a robot......emotion are such useless thing.....being a robot can make you a useful person and will complete works with no interferences.

    Ok I will stop being depressing now. Life is hard and this is what it is and I have to be stronger and learn to deal with it. Thank you for making me expressing the thoughts that I holding in.
    -Don't try and criticize my English....I am not gonna try to fix grammar or spell check this.

    Thanks for reading even though this is so depressing.

    I need to get to bed (actually I should have been in bed hours ago), but want to say quickly that your feelings are far from unique. A lot of people feel that way from time to time. I know I used to feel the way you do. I'll write you a proper response when I wake up. I can also message you if you'd prefer something more private.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 16, 2013 8:07 AM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues saidforum is fine, perhaps this can help someone with the similar issues. I appreciate your response and thank you for listening or reading my rants.

    I know it's cliche to say, but it does get better icon_smile.gif. 5 or 10 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes if someone said that to me, but I'm definitely a happier and (I believe) better person today. My background isn't identical, but similar (1st generation American on mom's side, felt like a loner, used to compartmentalize my emotions). I'll reply with a more thought out response here tomorrow. In the meantime, hang in there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 3:36 PM GMT
    I think we all fear being alone at one point or another. The solutions are not easy but take a willing and motivated spirit. You can waller in your sadness and loneliness or you can set goals to move to a happier place. Easy? No. Take small steps to identify where you might meet others with similar interests. Start by identifying your favorite things to do, places to go, type of social circles you would be most comfortable in. If you like to play board games, then don't hang out at the gym looking for friends, find a place where board games are the topic.

    If you've never gone to Meetup.com, it's a good site for identifying groups you can join for most anything from academics to sports to social interactions to hobbies to ethnic groups.

    I know much of PA is small towns but if you're in a larger area, look for support groups or other social places.

    Yep, friendships are cultivated, like a plant they take time, care, attention. They don't happen overnight but more importantly, they don't happen unless you plant the seed first.

    There are a ton of guys here that are generous with their time to communicate one on one with you and give you support and encouragement. RJ is a great support system of it's own. It has nothing to do with age, ethnicity or culture, it has to do with people helping people….just ask.

    I agree with Harry7785's number 1 suggestion. Find a forum that identifies something you're interested in. Read the responses and email guys that you feel might be able to suggest or give you direction to help you out.

    Good luck.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 16, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    I don't mind trying to help people out if I can. I'm semi retired and have a lot of time. It also helps me feel like my life is worth something if I can be a little help to someone else.

    It is difficult to know what to say. For one thing, I don't really know you or your situation. The internet is good for communication in some ways but not so good in others. It definitely has its limitations.

    In case you haven't thought about it, you might start by realizing there are different kinds of "friendships." I have friends that I've had for many, many years and I know they will be my friends as long as we live. However, there are other "friends" that come and go in life. My association with them is contingent on circumstances (where I work or live, for example). Then, of course, there is the category of "lovers," which is a whole other subject in itself.

    One way to make friends is try and BE a friend to someone else. I don't know your situation but I wouldn't be surprised if there are potential friends all around you. What do they need? Can you, do you want to, help them in some way?

    From what you've said, it sounds like you are an introvert -- that is, someone who doesn't open up or make friends easily. I'm like that myself and when I was your age I was PAINFULLY like that. I didn't trust people in general and kept my mouth shut. However, like you perhaps, this was very painful and I decided to begin changing. It took a few years but through various efforts on my part I began to open up more to people and *become* friendly toward others. This changed my life! I'm still an introvert, still shy around strangers, I'm still not very good at making 'small talk' BUT I do know how to listen to other people and, when it feels right, to 'be there' for them and let them 'be there' for me.

    You're right, we all have secrets, things we're not willing or able to share with others. There's nothing wrong with that. There isn't anything "wrong" with you! You're a good person and have a good heart so let that be your guide. Little by little let yourself take a few risks with other people and learn from the experience. Of course not every experience is going to have a positive outcome but, regardless, you'll always lean something about yourself and about people, or at least certain types of people. Little by little we get better at being friends as well as finding them.

    Hope this helps.
  • The_Guruburu

    Posts: 895

    Jul 16, 2013 6:08 PM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues said I just want to say thank you for your thoughtful responses. It feel good to know that I am not the only one that feel that way. I am glad I am able to express my problems that i have never thought about asking others about it.
    My main concern is that if people know I don't have friends then they can either take advantage of me or view I am pathetic. It is a huge obstacle in my way of opening up to people because that is the truth about me and yet I can't share that knowledge randomly, unless I really trust someone. What would you think if your friend tell you that they don't really have any friend? would you view them as weak or different in any way?


    Do you own your own home? Are you at the top of your career? Are you a self-made millionaire? If no, do you tell people that?

    What I'm getting at is that you can tell people about your shortcomings (or what I'd call places to improve) and be wary of them looking down at you or taking advantage of that, or focus on the positive things in your life—the things you do have. There's a saying that you attract what you project. If you project loneliness, people will pick up on that. It repels potential friends who will be less inclined to get close, but attracts the kind of people you don't want: manipulators and exploiters. To answer your question: if a friend told me they have no friends, I'd wonder why and what reason they want to draw my attention to that fact. Is it because they want me to feel sorry for them? Is it a way to "warn" me they have issues so I can get out of the friendship before it's too late? When people focus on negativity, their mind doesn't leave room for positivity. I want positivity in my life, so I seek to surround myself with positive people, and it definitely rubs off on me icon_smile.gif

    May I ask why do you feel the need to tell potential friends that you don't have any friends?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 16, 2013 6:13 PM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues saidWhat would you think if your friend tell you that they don't really have any friend? would you view them as weak or different in any way?

    It doesn't matter what others think, if you're good...though others may think bad of you at the beginning, in time they'll surely change their opinions on you.
    all you have to do is, ignore their judgements and focus on your character.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 16, 2013 9:05 PM GMT
    Glad that you posted about your situation - since you have 900+ posts here, you must have seen the many, many posts by other guys seeking advice. They usually get some helpful, well thought-out advice. "but I don't think most people bother to help." No, most of the guys here won't, but some will - and that's what counts. You may get some snarky comments as well, but just ignore them.

    It would be helpful to those that may wish to help you here, if you said more about yourself. We have only the vaguest notion of who you might be. Your profile only gives your age, height, weight and that you live somewhere in PA. You might get more response if you had some sort of photo up (I know, I don't either, but I'm not asking for help.) You have been alone since age 12 - Your parents died? You moved to the US by yourself? Or do you mean only that you have had no friends since age 12? Your career is the most important thing in your life - what is your career? Are you still in school (university)? We can tell that english is not your first language - but where are you from? Country? Cultural background? Race? Strong religious upbringing? You were "raised with strict morals and a belief in absolute right and wrong" - Do your parent's (grandparents' ?) strict morals dictate that it is wrong to be gay?

    You "thank psychology because it puts your feelings and emotion into rational concepts." That's not what it is supposed to do. For individuals, it is supposed to make them happier and better functioning individuals, because, as the cliché goes, it puts one in touch with feelings and one's true self. You have said you are unhappy and lonely. Have you seen a psychologist?

    What ebyaguy and mikew said should be helpful. But it would help the rest of us help you if you were more specific about yourself and your background. Believe it or not, a lot of guys here know other guys of wildly differing racial and cultural backgrounds, so just because we are not form the same mold as you does not mean that we won't have any understanding of your situation.
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    Jul 19, 2013 9:04 PM GMT
    AbsoluteVirtues said

    I guess my issues was that I feel alone. I thought I am so independent and will never need anyone, but the truth is I yearn for a true friendship. But a true friendship isn't an easy thing. I am not sure what is it like where you are from but United States is an individualistic country.

    It is just hard for me to find where I belong because I don't really fit in with the gay community, my ethnic or racial group, or family. It is also hard for me to make friends because I feel like I carry alot of baggage and friendship takes time. My priority right now is my career I hope when it is all established the other issues will worked out.

    These are some of my thoughts that I afraid some people will judge me if they know.....I mean real life people. I have extreme loyalty and will sacrifice myself for people i love but I can't reveal those feeling because you will be taking advantage of....

    The process of acculturation, your nationalities, your sexuality, and presence of racism or stereotypes and my experiences change the way I see things in life. Perhaps I will be alone for the rest of my life. That is what I am afraid of. I hate emotions....if only I was a robot......emotion are such useless thing.....being a robot can make you a useful person and will complete works with no interferences.

    Ok I will stop being depressing now. Life is hard and this is what it is and I have to be stronger and learn to deal with it. Thank you for making me expressing the thoughts that I holding in.
    -Don't try and criticize my English....I am not gonna try to fix grammar or spell check this.

    Thanks for reading even though this is so depressing.


    Absolute,

    Everything you just said is simply a belief you have, it is not based on objective reality. They are simply rationalizations of the conscious mind that sound good, but usually are 99% bullshit. That's okay though, because most peoples beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors are the same. Emotions aren't useless, they are there to guide you, having said that they can be confusing and hard to understand unless you learn some basic principles. I would highly suggest you read over some of my forum posts in response to other people who are experiencing negative emotions. If you do, you will be well on your way to change. Also feel free to PM me, I am always free to talk.

    Jason