I feel like shit

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 9:58 AM GMT
    So for almost three months I've been talking to this guy who I am now in a relationship with. Before we actually started seriously having a relationship we stopped talking because of reasons that aren't important. During that time I started talking to this kid who I'll call 'Landon'. I was really bummed that I was single so he and I got close and I found him physically attractive but otherwise he didn't do much for me. He's immature and he's not intellectual but he's a sweet kid. But he and I never talked about much. He said he wanted to be my boyfriend and I was like 'well we can talk about it' meanwhile trust and believe I was talking to other people. But we never said we were exclusive. Shit we were never dating.

    So me and the first guy started talking again and now we're in a thing. So I tell Landon and he gets upset and for a while stops talking to me. Today he texts me out of the blue and we get into an argument about me seeing someone else. He said I should of told him before I started being with someone else and I kind of did. Although because I was talking to like seven other dudes I didn't think I had to. No one else I was talking to took it personally because that's just how it goes. He starts trying to guilt me and say how I should leave the guy I'm with and see him.

    The thing is Landon lives states away and there would be no way he and I could ever seriously have a relationship so I never took it seriously. The guy who I'm with now lives far too but he's actually moving closer to me. Otherwise I wouldn't of taken that seriously either. I tell Landon that he's a great kid and he is but I'm not right for him and he won't listen. I feel so shitty cause now he's all heartbroken and won't answer my messages. I'm afraid he might do something to himself but there's literally nothing I can do.

    I don't want him to hurt himself because I know how it feels. I think he feels like I lead him on and I didn't mean to. I know how it feels to have your heartbroken like this and I was trying to apologize and let him down easy and I told him I'm always here for him. But he wouldn't listen and said to paraphrase it's either all or nothing. He's a young kid and this if memory serves correct this is the only time he's 'been in a relationship'. Keep in mind I never said we were dating or even talking about dating. I said we were getting to know one another. I think he's sexy and cute and everything but he's not for me and I tried explaining how some people aren't meant for other people. But he took this as me saying I think my current romantic conspirator is better than him.

    Is this really all on me? I feel so horrible right now. I feel like one of those jerks who jerked me around and I never meant to do that to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 10:30 AM GMT
    Turn the tables.. How would you want to be treated?

    "I think he feels like I lead him on and I didn't mean to"

    "I know how it feels to have your heartbroken like this and I was trying to apologize and let him down easy".

    "I never said we were dating or even talking about dating. I said we were getting to know one another."

    "I think he's sexy and cute and everything but he's not for me and I tried explaining how some people aren't meant for other."
    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    Not sending clear enough messages... (I've been there)

    1) I think you were sloppy as hell.. (I've done it)
    2) London was just a backup / distant option.
    3) All of the above should have taken place before you ran ...back to guy # 1.

    4) If you engage an immature guy.. Your communication has to be Extremely Mature. (think about it)

    5) What are you apologizing for if you didn't do ...anything wrong??

    "He said he wanted to be my boyfriend."

    "well we can talk about it'" (A chance to say no!!??)

    " But we never said we were exclusive."

    " Shit we were never dating."

    You were never dating BUT your'e not exclusive??

    You took an immature approach to dating an immature guy..

    (Not casting the first stone.and yes you should feel bad!)

    Hugz..
    Heartbreaker!







  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 11:02 AM GMT
    Anocxu saidTurn the tables.. How would you want to be treated?

    "I think he feels like I lead him on and I didn't mean to"

    "I know how it feels to have your heartbroken like this and I was trying to apologize and let him down easy".

    "I never said we were dating or even talking about dating. I said we were getting to know one another."

    "I think he's sexy and cute and everything but he's not for me and I tried explaining how some people aren't meant for other."
    ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
    Not sending clear enough messages... (I've been there)

    1) I think you were sloppy as hell.. (I've done it)
    2) London was just a backup / distant option.
    3) All of the above should have taken place before you ran ...back to guy # 1.

    4) If you engage an immature guy.. Your communication has to be Extremely Mature. (think about it)

    5) What are you apologizing for if you didn't do ...anything wrong??

    "He said he wanted to be my boyfriend."

    "well we can talk about it'" (A chance to say no!!??)

    " But we never said we were exclusive."

    " Shit we were never dating."

    You were never dating BUT your'e not exclusive??

    You took an immature approach to dating an immature guy..

    (Not casting the first stone.and yes you should feel bad!)

    Hugz..
    Heartbreaker!


    What I meant by not dating but not exclusive was we were just talking but that doesn't mean that I wasn't going to stop trying to see other people who felt like better options.

    I was apologizing because I didn't mean to hurt him. I never took any of this seriously. To be fair I didn't take my current person seriously either until it became clear he was actually going to be coming here. I see him in a few weeks. I wouldn't of had that option with Landon. And what really is sad is when he asked me do I think the guy I am with now is better I lied. I said no but I knew in my heart my current person is better than him. He's older, educated, more stable, mature not as physically attractive and that is one of the issues I'm dealing with now. But everything else is in place besides his looks.

    Landon is cute, young, sexy and fun but there's no way it could of worked out and I was trying to make that clear in the beginning before anything happened. I remember saying distance was an issue. I didn't want to hurt his feelings and kill all hopes of it happening. But also I didn't want to squash a possible option no matter how much of a long shot it was. I guess that was shallow of me. He kept saying I'd be happier with him. In a way he's right because physically I would be more attracted to him....for a while. But there's nothing he can give me that I can't already give myself and he's got a lot of growing up to do as far as taking life seriously, taking himself seriously and valuing his appearance, etc. I have no doubts I could be happy with him when he grows up a bit. But as far as being better than the person I'm with now? Not really aside from looks and sexual attraction.
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    Jul 17, 2013 12:47 PM GMT
    TransparentUnity said He's a young kid and this if memory serves correct this is the only time he's 'been in a relationship'. Keep in mind I never said we were dating or even talking about dating. I said we were getting to know one another. I think he's sexy and cute and everything but he's not for me and I tried explaining how some people aren't meant for other people. But he took this as me saying I think my current romantic conspirator is better than him.

    Is this really all on me? I feel so horrible right now. I feel like one of those jerks who jerked me around and I never meant to do that to him.

    You're only 21 yourself, so what age is this "young kid"? 18 is only 3 years younger than you. I hope you're not dipping into jail bait territory.

    I agree with Anocxu's observations. Immaturity is difficult to handle in others, maybe more problematic when you're 21 yourself. And so it may be wise to simply avoid guys below a certain "take line" of age for the time being. I know young pups are cute and we want to mentor them, but that leads to purely emotional puppy love attachment, which isn't always good for either party.

    BTW, on a grammatical note, it's not "... I should of told him..." but "I should have told him".

    That common error likely comes from the similar-sounding contraction form of have, as in "I should've told him", and "I could've done that".
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    Jul 17, 2013 1:24 PM GMT
    ART_DECO said
    TransparentUnity said He's a young kid and this if memory serves correct this is the only time he's 'been in a relationship'. Keep in mind I never said we were dating or even talking about dating. I said we were getting to know one another. I think he's sexy and cute and everything but he's not for me and I tried explaining how some people aren't meant for other people. But he took this as me saying I think my current romantic conspirator is better than him.

    Is this really all on me? I feel so horrible right now. I feel like one of those jerks who jerked me around and I never meant to do that to him.

    You're only 21 yourself, so what age is this "young kid"? 18 is only 3 years younger than you. I hope you're not dipping into jail bait territory.

    I agree with Anocxu's observations. Immaturity is difficult to handle in others, maybe more problematic when you're 21 yourself. And so it may be wise to simply avoid guys below a certain "take line" of age for the time being. I know young pups are cute and we want to mentor them, but that leads to purely emotional puppy love attachment, which isn't always good for either party.

    BTW, on a grammatical note, it's not "... I should of told him..." but "I should have told him".

    That common error likely comes from the similar-sounding contraction form of have, as in "I should've told him", and "I could've done that".


    He's nineteen but I think he just turned. But when I mean young I meant more of a mental and emotional maturity.
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    Jul 17, 2013 5:11 PM GMT
    to be honest with u, i think u had a bit to do with his situation, u did string him along and gave him hope of u two being together. I think u praised him so much that he thought there is no way u will choose the other guy. But on a brighter side u will always be that lesson, that will help him not to be gallable with every guy that thinks his hot. U taught him a lesson that he will never forget. Lucky for u he is not talyor swift's brother, or we would have be singing about for the next six months
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    Jul 17, 2013 5:20 PM GMT
    In my opinion, I think you should have told him how you felt as soon as he told you that he wanted to be your boyfriend. It would have been best to have told him that you were not interested in pursuing anything further than friendship with him and you should have said that you were dating other guys and was interested in pursuing something further with one of them. I just think when we are completely honest and upfront with someone then it won't cause as much damage as not being honest and upfront.
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    Jul 17, 2013 6:55 PM GMT
    AtlantaSouthGuy saidIn my opinion, I think you should have told him how you felt as soon as he told you that he wanted to be your boyfriend. It would have been best to have told him that you were not interested in pursuing anything further than friendship with him and you should have said that you were dating other guys and was interested in pursuing something further with one of them. I just think when we are completely honest and upfront with someone then it won't cause as much damage as not being honest and upfront.


    I guess the reason I never said anything is because I kind of liked the attention but I thought it was clear enough we weren't actually anything. I thought it was common knowledge that unless there's a discussion you aren't officially anything. I was actually surprised he developed the feelings that he did because I didn't think we had gotten THAT close.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 17, 2013 7:17 PM GMT
    I'd take it as a learning experience. Be aware of whom you are talking with it comes to a romantic relationship.. and communication is key. Be straightforward with this "kid" or anybody else about your feelings and your intent.

    With your current situation, try and be clear. I'd apologize to the kid, let him know you were wrong in not being a better communicator and how the distance would make the relationship difficult under any circumstances. Be friendly, but clear.

    Then move along and learn from this experience.
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    Jul 17, 2013 7:18 PM GMT
    TransparentUnity said
    AtlantaSouthGuy saidIn my opinion, I think you should have told him how you felt as soon as he told you that he wanted to be your boyfriend. It would have been best to have told him that you were not interested in pursuing anything further than friendship with him and you should have said that you were dating other guys and was interested in pursuing something further with one of them. I just think when we are completely honest and upfront with someone then it won't cause as much damage as not being honest and upfront.


    I guess the reason I never said anything is because I kind of liked the attention but I thought it was clear enough we weren't actually anything. I thought it was common knowledge that unless there's a discussion you aren't officially anything. I was actually surprised he developed the feelings that he did because I didn't think we had gotten THAT close.


    This is exactly my point...you stated: I guess the reason I never said anything is because I kind of liked the attention but I thought it was clear enough we weren't actually anything. I thought it was common knowledge that unless there's a discussion you aren't officially anything. I was actually surprised he developed the feelings that he did because I didn't think we had gotten THAT close.[/quote] Do you see what I'm getting at here?
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    Jul 17, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    AtlantaSouthGuy said
    TransparentUnity said
    AtlantaSouthGuy saidIn my opinion, I think you should have told him how you felt as soon as he told you that he wanted to be your boyfriend. It would have been best to have told him that you were not interested in pursuing anything further than friendship with him and you should have said that you were dating other guys and was interested in pursuing something further with one of them. I just think when we are completely honest and upfront with someone then it won't cause as much damage as not being honest and upfront.


    I guess the reason I never said anything is because I kind of liked the attention but I thought it was clear enough we weren't actually anything. I thought it was common knowledge that unless there's a discussion you aren't officially anything. I was actually surprised he developed the feelings that he did because I didn't think we had gotten THAT close.


    This is exactly my point...you stated: I guess the reason I never said anything is because I kind of liked the attention but I thought it was clear enough we weren't actually anything. I thought it was common knowledge that unless there's a discussion you aren't officially anything. I was actually surprised he developed the feelings that he did because I didn't think we had gotten THAT close.
    Do you see what I'm getting at here?[/quote]

    Yes I do. I should of been upfront to begin with and taking for granted he would understand what was going on.
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Jul 18, 2013 12:48 AM GMT
    I have to agree. I know that you admitted that you liked the attention you were receiving but you shouldn't have lead/strung him along. You're not a bad guy and we all make mistakes but for future reference, I wouldn't string along someone if you know that it won't workout or a relationship just won't work.

    I've been lead on a lot and it was one of the worst feeligns ever so I can sympathize with how this young guy feels. This is a learning lesson though that will hopefully make him stronger and like another user said, less naive. Just treat people how you want to be treated.
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    Jul 18, 2013 2:45 AM GMT
    Have you even met these people before IRL?
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    Jul 18, 2013 5:21 AM GMT
    SkittleGangsta saidHave you even met these people before IRL?


    The first guy I'm about to. Landon no.
  • donnygg

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    Jul 18, 2013 5:55 AM GMT
    Wait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?
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    Jul 18, 2013 6:02 AM GMT
    donnygg saidWait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?


    I thought I mentioned in the original post it was a long distance thing. These type of things happen all the time. We do plan on meeting soon like in two weeks.
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    Jul 18, 2013 7:49 AM GMT
    TransparentUnity said
    donnygg saidWait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?


    I thought I mentioned in the original post it was a long distance thing. These type of things happen all the time. We do plan on meeting soon like in two weeks.


    But thats hardly a relationship? How do you know what anyone is like IRL unless you meet them?

    I really don't get these guys that never met and are supposedly in a long distance relationship.
    Sounds like more story spinning to me.

    You are making great gains from what I can tell by your more recent posts, for goodness sake go out and meet people in the real world, forget all this BS ;)
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    Jul 18, 2013 8:49 AM GMT
    boomerangOz said
    TransparentUnity said
    donnygg saidWait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?


    I thought I mentioned in the original post it was a long distance thing. These type of things happen all the time. We do plan on meeting soon like in two weeks.


    But thats hardly a relationship? How do you know what anyone is like IRL unless you meet them?

    I really don't get these guys that never met and are supposedly in a long distance relationship.
    Sounds like more story spinning to me.

    You are making great gains from what I can tell by your more recent posts, for goodness sake go out and meet people in the real world, forget all this BS ;)


    Idk I kind of disagree. I think it's possible to be in a relationship with someone long distance. We are meeting soon though so that will help push things further along. The feelings you can develop are very real.

    I never have much luck meeting guys in person.
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    Jul 18, 2013 9:07 AM GMT
    TransparentUnity said
    boomerangOz said
    TransparentUnity said
    donnygg saidWait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?


    I thought I mentioned in the original post it was a long distance thing. These type of things happen all the time. We do plan on meeting soon like in two weeks.


    But thats hardly a relationship? How do you know what anyone is like IRL unless you meet them?

    I really don't get these guys that never met and are supposedly in a long distance relationship.
    Sounds like more story spinning to me.

    You are making great gains from what I can tell by your more recent posts, for goodness sake go out and meet people in the real world, forget all this BS ;)


    Idk I kind of disagree. I think it's possible to be in a relationship with someone long distance. We are meeting soon though so that will help push things further along. The feelings you can develop are very real.

    I never have much luck meeting guys in person.


    Ok but I think of it like buying clothes online, the pics are great, it looks like what you want, then once its delivered, reality kicks on, but best of luck with it
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:06 AM GMT
    Why do you call Landon a 'kid'? You're only 21 yourself. I'm assuming he isn't underage...
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:34 AM GMT
    boomerangOz said
    TransparentUnity said
    boomerangOz said
    TransparentUnity said
    donnygg saidWait, you're saying you're in a relationship with a guy you've not met?


    I thought I mentioned in the original post it was a long distance thing. These type of things happen all the time. We do plan on meeting soon like in two weeks.


    But thats hardly a relationship? How do you know what anyone is like IRL unless you meet them?

    I really don't get these guys that never met and are supposedly in a long distance relationship.
    Sounds like more story spinning to me.

    You are making great gains from what I can tell by your more recent posts, for goodness sake go out and meet people in the real world, forget all this BS ;)


    Idk I kind of disagree. I think it's possible to be in a relationship with someone long distance. We are meeting soon though so that will help push things further along. The feelings you can develop are very real.

    I never have much luck meeting guys in person.


    Ok but I think of it like buying clothes online, the pics are great, it looks like what you want, then once its delivered, reality kicks on, but best of luck with it


    Well we've Skyped so he looks like what his pictures look like. I don't know if that's good or bad but we'll see how it goes in a few weeks. The main problem I'm having is that I like everything else about him but I don't find him physically attractive.
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:34 AM GMT
    therealzdealz saidWhy do you call Landon a 'kid'? You're only 21 yourself. I'm assuming he isn't underage...


    He acts very young for his age and he's a few years younger than me.
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    Jul 19, 2013 7:14 AM GMT
    Sharpton saidYou must have really robbed the cradle with this guy.

    Did he seriously think this relationship was going to work?
    Id give it a few months actually and then see if we can be friends. He needed a mentor not a man.


    He did. I was finally able to get in contact with him yesterday. He still thinks I'd be better off with him. He's a tad delusional.