About my 14 y.o. cousin ..I need an advice!

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    Nov 08, 2008 10:46 AM GMT


    I was chatting with an arab guy .. and as you know they are not open to the gay issue or sex issues in general ..


    He told me he lost his virginity at age of 14 with his 25 y.o. swimming coach ... it was so disturbing but there is nothing to do about it ..he said he was looking for it .. though it's illegal , nobody talks about this ..


    IRONICLY : my cousin is 14 y.o. he's the gayest boy in family .. and he is too attached to his swimming coach as well (he's in the last 20's , married , and pretty religious) !!! they have a weird relationship .. my cousin always call him .. and talk to him about everything .. before he sleeps and whenever he has a problem with anyone ..

    the similarity of the two stories freak me out ... I'm afraid that something bad may happen .

    In one hand , their relationship is so weird that makes you suspect
    in the other hand, if they were doing something they will probably try to hide it ...

    Excuse me for this disturbing story, I couldn't keep it inside ...
    please give me an advice , maybe I'm just being paranoid ..
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    Nov 08, 2008 4:37 PM GMT
    You may be on to something ? Maybe not ?
    Perhaps he's infatuated with his coach but nothing is happening ?
    Again...maybe not ? If there is...what do you intend to do ?
    I understand your concern. But I lost my virginity to someone
    older than me. ( He was in his 50s I was 16yo. ) So I can't judge anyone.
    While this isn't the most perfect way to lose your virginity. It happens.
    What is the legal age of consent where you live ?

    In conclusion, I'd say keep an eye on your cousin.
    If you think that you can talk to him about it. Do it !
    ( even if he lies about it. ) First find out if he's gay.
    Maybe this interaction with his coach is strictly platonic ?
    If he is gay...find a way to voice your concerns without scaring,
    sounding judgemental to him or perhaps even potentially
    revealing his "secret." Talk to him ! That's my advice.
    Let him know being gay is ok....but your concerned
    about how young he is and how people may take advantage
    of that. Make sure if he IS sexually active...that he's being safe.

    TALK TALK TALK !!
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    Nov 08, 2008 5:49 PM GMT
    Blackstar saidYou may be on to something ? Maybe not ?
    Perhaps he's infatuated with his coach but nothing is happening ?
    Again...maybe not ? If there is...what do you intend to do ?
    I understand your concern. But I lost my virginity to someone
    older than me. ( He was in his 50s I was 16yo. ) So I can't judge anyone.
    While this isn't the most perfect way to lose your virginity. It happens.
    What is the legal age of consent where you live ?

    In conclusion, I'd say keep an eye on your cousin.
    If you think that you can talk to him about it. Do it !
    ( even if he lies about it. ) First find out if he's gay.
    Maybe this interaction with his coach is strictly platonic ?
    If he is gay...find a way to voice your concerns without scaring,
    sounding judgemental to him or perhaps even potentially
    revealing his "secret." Talk to him ! That's my advice.
    Let him know being gay is ok....but your concerned
    about how young he is and how people may take advantage
    of that. Make sure if he IS sexually active...that he's being safe.

    TALK TALK TALK !!



    First of all he's 100% gay for sure .. no need to ask ..

    second he lives far away and my family visit them only on holidays ....
    and he's 14 .. it's not legal in any country ..

    and third .. he's a hard person ..closed .. have a weird attitude and psychologic problems.. no one ever could talk to him ..
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    Nov 08, 2008 5:55 PM GMT
    Ok...so you know he's gay. Cool.

    He's not very open ? Ok. That doesn't mean that you can't
    still tell him your concerns. Write him a letter if your not
    able to see him face to face. This also might give him
    a chance to actually hear what you have to say without
    the pressure of seeing you face to face and perhaps
    feeling judged.

    Is he out to his family ? Does he have a brother or sister
    you can talk to who may be open to being a mediator
    in this discussion ?
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    Nov 08, 2008 6:19 PM GMT
    Blackstar saidOk...so you know he's gay. Cool.

    He's not very open ? Ok. That doesn't mean that you can't
    still tell him your concerns. Write him a letter if your not
    able to see him face to face. This also might give him
    a chance to actually hear what you have to say without
    the pressure of seeing you face to face and perhaps
    feeling judged.

    Is he out to his family ? Does he have a brother or sister
    you can talk to who may be open to being a mediator
    in this discussion ?


    Oh no .. we're arabs , no one is open .. I guess his parents suspect it .. but no one would ever talk about it or give this subject an attention ..

    but thx for the advice .. I'll try to do something ..
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    Nov 08, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    it's pretty hard to stop the inevitable, at best you can guide. nearly all guys get laid long before they're legal. additionally, it's a bit "you're a typical adult - i hate you!" when you try to discourage teenage sex, knowing in the back of your mind (above probability used) you got laid before you were legal.

    disregarding all laws and agendas, i think it's better for a naive person to have sex for the first few times with someone who is experienced. two naive persons having sex are likely to engage in unsafe sexual practices. that aside, a naive person should at least be taught how to have safe sex and how to engage in sex by someone experienced (without actually having sex that is). that is to say, some things are initially painful and come with certain risks such as tissue injury which greatly increases the likelihood of STD transmission.

    and of course there's the pregnancy thing. teenagers are normally just too inexperienced to understand the gravity of pregnancy.

    i'm not going to judge teenagers about who they develop a fancy for. but if the age gap introduces a legal issue i'll definitely try to sway the kid's focus to someone of less consequence.
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    Nov 08, 2008 6:44 PM GMT
    experienced??
    the issue here is that this grown up man would be considered as a pervent for doing it with someone who is still under 16 or 18 ..

    hypothatically:
    in the court , if it gets to there , he can't say "the boy wanted it" , cuz as an adult you know the law and that boy isn't old enough to know what good for him and make dicissions like this .. it's disgusting even thinking about it .. this adult may be taking an adventage of this boy's naiveness ..
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    Nov 08, 2008 6:51 PM GMT
    I personally dont think a little physical betw your cousin and his swim coach is going to hurt the kid. It would probably be good for him if he is already aware and it is his natural time to become active. I am presuming the coach is a upstanding guy who would be careful and gentle with your cousin so that he has a good first experience.
  • Hunter9

    Posts: 1039

    Nov 08, 2008 6:52 PM GMT
    GhostA: Are you asking us for advice? How are we supposed to be able to help you? There are very few arabs on this site and even fewer Israelis. How are we supposedly to be able to help you given the cultural context. People have made suggestions of what they would do where they live, but nobody here is going to know how to do the same amongst arabs in Israel.

    here's the advice from a white jewish southern californian american of european descent: let sleeping dogs lie. your cousin will figure things out. if he messes around with his coach, so be it. its not the end of the world

    here's another suggestion: why dont you get out of there, and live amongst more open minded people.
  • coolarmydude

    Posts: 9190

    Nov 08, 2008 7:08 PM GMT
    I think your cousin is heading for disaster. I don't think he is emotionally or psychologically stable to be in the situation he's in. If your cousin was a girl dating her 20-something year old married swim coach, you would have already called the cops. You need to get your cousin out of that no-win situation.
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    Nov 08, 2008 7:09 PM GMT
    Caslon7000 saidI personally dont think a little physical betw your cousin and his swim coach is going to hurt the kid. It would probably be good for him if he is already aware and it is his natural time to become active. I am presuming the coach is a upstanding guy who would be careful and gentle with your cousin so that he has a good first experience.

    Ah, yeah. I don't see it the same way. Talk to the coach and let him know you have some concerns and you're keeping an eye on your cousin. This should be enough to make the coach watch his behavior. If necessary, also talk to the coach's boss and express your concern.

    Pedophilia should not be given the "boys will be boys" treatment.
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    Nov 08, 2008 7:15 PM GMT
    Global_CitizenPedophilia should not be given the "boys will be boys" treatment


    that's my point ! you can't just ignore it ..



    Hunter9
    here's another suggestion: why dont you get out of there, and live amongst more open minded people.



    That's what I'm doing !! that's why I moved to tel-aviv .. It's like california before the prop 8
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    Nov 08, 2008 10:37 PM GMT
    I would be careful as you may have an adverse affect on both lives. If it is so conservative even a mention about the coach, may destroy his life, and he may not be doing anything wrong! I would see if you can get anything more concrete without either of them knowing about it. Lots of innocent lives have been destroyed by something like this.
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    Nov 08, 2008 10:52 PM GMT
    I hear your concerns.... While not an expert in this area; my advice is to work on improving your relationship with your cousin. Let him know its ok to be gay. Even though you live in a anti-gay culture you can give him support and guidance. Your the older cousin, be the role model!

    With improved communication and a stronger bond will help with your concerns about the coach and your cousin's sexual experience. Just make sure he knows your there for him and love him.


    Good Luck!
  • kjm1990

    Posts: 209

    Nov 08, 2008 11:00 PM GMT
    do you email ya cuz ? just keep an eye on him an be there to chat when he needs you its all you can do...good luck
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    Nov 08, 2008 11:01 PM GMT
    This is tough because doing something about it could make your cousins sexuality open, and as you have said its not looked upon highly by his family.

    I would talk to him and tell him how you feel, offer the advice you think he needs and then leave it up to him to choose what path to take.

    This situation is one of those things that makes being gay difficult, because there's really no one to go to. Just give him the support he needs. And remind him that what he's doing with his Coach is going to hurt this mans wife above all and is it really fair for her?
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    Nov 09, 2008 4:11 AM GMT


    We're with Global Citizen. 100%

    It's statutory rape. More ammo for those who voted yes on prop 8
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    Nov 09, 2008 5:13 AM GMT
    This might sound counterintuitive, but I'd advise your "chatter" to think about his coach's wellbeing and safety before doing anything. If he has feelings for the guy, then he might be willing to consider that before acting. If something already happened, then the coach could be held to some pretty harsh penalties, possibly death, depending on which country he is in if he is caught by others. Both parties bearing some responsibility, I would urge your "chatter" to cool down, take a step back, and realize that his actions could have serious consequences. If your "chatter" hears you then he might also know hear your concern and desire for his and his coach's safety.

    When you do see your cousin again, no accusations are necessary, but you can tell him that being gay is fine, but risking his life and the life or safety of anyone that is older is unsafe. He might know it is you from online, or he might not. Best to talk to both cousin and "chatter" about the same thing.

    Wishing you all the best in this difficult situation.
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    Nov 09, 2008 7:16 PM GMT


    There is something about the age of 14 and swim coaches as I see ..


    Thx for incouraging me to help him .. and be openly gay with him .. cuz since I started to study I wasn't in touch with my relatives .. but now I'm more convinced that as the oldest gay guy in the family (and there are lots of ) should be a rule model for them and help as best I can ..
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    Nov 09, 2008 7:23 PM GMT
    Some times, you have to let people make their own mistakes and navigate the consequences. It's how they learn, grow, and mature in life.
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    Nov 09, 2008 8:35 PM GMT


    GHoSTa's nephew is 14 and the age of consent is 16 anything below 16 is considered a crime. The other party in question is a grown MAN in his 20s in a postion of authority and trust.

    We're appalled.
    Is the math too hard to figure out on this?

    What is this? Some kind of NAMBLA thing?
    We just had a problem with gaybashers on this site. They were removed by admin.
    Anyone can access this site and copy and paste some of these comments!

    Geez people!
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    Nov 10, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    RunintheCity saidSome times, you have to let people make their own mistakes and navigate the consequences. It's how they learn, grow, and mature in life.


    Agree.

    The age gap isn't that large. Straight guys do it all the time with girls.

    I would caution advising him to stop it for the meantime until he reaches age of majority though, and even stop it altogether. The guy is married. It's wrong.
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    Nov 12, 2008 12:13 AM GMT
    Caslon7000 saidI personally dont think a little physical betw your cousin and his swim coach is going to hurt the kid. It would probably be good for him if he is already aware and it is his natural time to become active. I am presuming the coach is a upstanding guy who would be careful and gentle with your cousin so that he has a good first experience.


    You have earned today's seal of approval:
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    Nov 12, 2008 1:01 AM GMT
    meninlove said

    GHoSTa's nephew is 14 and the age of consent is 16 anything below 16 is considered a crime. The other party in question is a grown MAN in his 20s in a postion of authority and trust.

    We're appalled.
    Is the math too hard to figure out on this?

    What is this? Some kind of NAMBLA thing?
    We just had a problem with gaybashers on this site. They were removed by admin.
    Anyone can access this site and copy and paste some of these comments!

    Geez people!


    Still, you don't know that the nephew's coach has done anything wrong. The nephew could have a crush and is exaggerating the closeness of their relationship. Or maybe the coach has sort of adopted the nephew as a little brother figure or something. But, if something sexual is happening, then I completely agree with you. The age thing is one thing but it would be a definite violation of his position, too.
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    Nov 12, 2008 1:08 AM GMT
    You're gonna have to let him learn the hard way. Any attempts to fix the situation will send your cousin into a hell of a depression because he's "been discovered" and it'll result in some heavy trauma and years of rebellious behavior that may or may not end.

    He'll undoubtedly get himself hurt, and it's the only way you'll get into his head that it's not a good idea. (It's ok to let the child burn their hand on a hot iron, it builds character icon_wink.gif )