How do I not burn this bridge but still keep my dignity?

  • linvect96

    Posts: 22

    Jul 17, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    Two months ago I was introduced to a mutual friend who I really like. We hit it off and went on a couple of dates. We didn't sleep together but had made out, and he had told me he really liked me and wanted to keep seeing me.

    He's so inexperienced (never dated anyone) that I gave him a ton of space and patience...I know him to be a really genuinely good person from my friends. However, I feel like he lead me on.

    He recently told my friend that he feels badly because he knows I like him, and he wants to be friends with me, but that he's started dating someone else. This other person doesn't even live in the same city and it's relatively new, but apparently it's been going on for the entire period of time he and I have known each other.

    He and I are supposed to get a drink this week to presumably talk about this. He doesn't know that I know that he's been dating someone else.

    I want to be able to remain friends with him -- who knows what will happen in the future? I'm not holding out for him, but I don't want to burn any bridges. I think we really have chemistry...but I don't want to come off as a pushover. I was genuinely hurt and felt lead on. Maybe I got way too invested, but he didn't help lower my expectations at all and is smart enough to realize that I really like him.

    How can I get some closure and get things off of my chest without making him feel badly and making things awkward moving forward? How much do I reveal about the way I felt?

    Thanks all
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 3:15 PM GMT
    Told with good intent, being honest with truth usually dignifies itself. The other option is harboring shame though you can always pass that off as being reserved.

    That, and for future reference, don't fall for the new guys. People need time and varied experience to find themselves before they ever might see you.
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    Jul 17, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    "He's so inexperienced.."

    This.

    When he tells you, which he will probably struggle with, you can always give him a warm wink and grin and tell him it's OK.

    Yes, it hurts; I've been there, but I think that it's not planned deliberate hurting by him. Right?

    warmly,

    -Doug
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 17, 2013 3:18 PM GMT
    There is a reason for sayings like 'all is fair in love and war'. How do you feel about him? You are not committed to each other. You basically just shared a kiss and that is all, that does not give you exclusive rights to him. If you like him and want to date then that is what you need to focus on that, not that he is 'seeing someone else' too. And how exactly does one date someone that is no where near you? That is a delusion. Do not bring the other 'relationship' up, it really is none of your business. Focus on building your friendship or relationship with him.
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    Jul 17, 2013 8:37 PM GMT
    It feels as though you think you and him are exclusive. You are NOT. Nothing has been agreed about the definition of your relationship with him, so don't feel like you feel betrayed because you weren't.

    Dating =/= being exclusive (unless agreed upon and you have that discussion)
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    Jul 17, 2013 8:42 PM GMT
    SirAndy saidIt feels as though you think you and him are exclusive. You are NOT. Nothing has been agreed about the definition of your relationship with him, so don't feel like you feel betrayed because you weren't.

    Dating =/= being exclusive (unless agreed upon and you have that discussion)

    This. You had a kiss, that's it, and you didn't indicate that you'd committed to him even though he'd told you he really liked you. Unless you jump on that, of course he's gonna keep looking for other options.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 17, 2013 9:08 PM GMT
    I wouldn't say that he lead you on.
    I'd say that you became smitten with him, and you're still smitten with him, and, even though you KNOW that he prefers someone else, you want to wait in the wings, hoping for another chance at him.

    BURN THE BRIDGE.

    MOVE ON.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 9:38 PM GMT
    Well dating is dating..... no true commitment, Tell him you feel you two would be best as friends For Now.. as so not to ruin future things.

  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 17, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    Very wise mentors have instilled in me a concept that was difficult for me to accept but is now a mantra:
    Dignity is its own reward.
    You sound like an awesome guy - intelligent and articulate. I'll stay out of the advice fray about "newbies" and "inexperienced newbies" at that - definitely that's covered. I'll simply reinforce your own, self-stated, apparent bias toward dignity. Hugs, bud.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 9:44 PM GMT
    Webster666 saidBURN THE BRIDGE.

    MOVE ON.

    +1
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Jul 17, 2013 10:44 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidFocus on building your friendship or relationship with him.


    This.

    Decide whether he's on your friends ladder or your fuck ladder and stick to whatever decision you make. Gays tend to have drama when they mix up these two.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2013 11:33 PM GMT
    No third date. Dude is not into you. After two dates with dude, you felt hurt and lead on. You felt your feelings and I'm acknowledging them, so with that said, try not to let the next dude have that kind of power over you after just two dates. I get that these things are easier said than done. Dating is hard, and getting knocked down is never fun. The key is to not let these situations wreck you so that sooner rather than later you can pull yourself back up, brush it off and get back in the game.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 12:44 AM GMT
    If you really want to keep him as a friend, then you're going to have to put your "dignity" on the shelf and accept that he's dating somebody else.

    Consider if you really mean "dignity" or "ego".

    "Ego" is a good thing to lose (if you can). I lost my ego in an airport somewhere many years ago. I haven't gone looking for it, and I don't miss it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 12:49 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidIf you really want to keep him as a friend, then you're going to have to put out...
    Fixed.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 12:49 AM GMT
    I say with all respect, forget about it an move on. You may be harboring feelings still that you think a "friendship" will turn into something more. It will end up frustrating you.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 18, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    He sounds more "experienced" than you may think icon_smile.gif

    My suggestion is.. if you really want to try and keep him as a friend is, sit down with him and tell him outright that you would rather be friends with him at this time. You take the initiative. Tell him what a nice guy he is, but it probably works better this way. Let him know that you genuinely want to continue a sincere friendship with him, but that dating is a current option.

    Let it go from there, either you will be friends or you won't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 1:22 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    GAMRican saidIf you really want to keep him as a friend, then you're going to have to put out...
    Fixed.


    You never fail to crack me up, Paul. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 7:25 AM GMT
    May the Bridges you've burned, light your way ahead!