Feelings, Thoughts

  • Eli_jah

    Posts: 1391

    Jul 18, 2013 4:10 AM GMT
    It might have something to do with my fucked up childhood, but I have a hard time being intimate with people. I hate the telephone. I prefer to listen, or to talk about ideas, than to talk about myself. There is always an invisible wall up. I make people a little uncomfortable. I believe I am terrified of opening myself up to people. Imagining myself in a relationship terrifies me.

    but

    I would really like to understand another human being. I know that I can be a great friend and lover. I am full of empathy. I know that I had to feel out of place and invisible for a very long time. I feel that I am finally ready to face the world as I am, and that I am ready for love, but I am still afraid.

    I was recently presented with an amazing opportunity. I kind of met someone. I am still on the periphery of his thoughts, but I have made enough of an impact to begin "courting" him. I know that it will be a monumental effort to make him consider me, as I know his backstory (getting over pretty much the love of his life). I have played it too aloof for too long. I can already feel myself retreating to the safety of what I know. But the rush I get from just seeing him, and touching him and asking him if he is alright, well, it makes me want to try.

    He already knows how I feel about him, but he wants me to prove it. He wants me to fight for him. Maybe I will. I love him. I know this because I'm not irrational. My heart doesn't pound, I don't get butterflies. It is a quiet knowing. I just know. I feel goodness and humanity just thinking about him. I can see his soul just by looking at him.

    The point is, if I want to become fearless, I must first know what love is. If I want to be loved, I must be worthy of love. I just hope that I can be courageous enough to take this chance and otherwise try to be happy, because so many people never were, and so many never will be.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    Jul 18, 2013 6:55 AM GMT
    "He already knows how I feel about him, but he wants me to prove it."

    This is the part that seems very, very odd to me, as if he wants to use you or see how far he can push you.

    Plus, you sound as if you're auditioning to play a role.
    But, sooner or later, you'll want to go back to being yourself.
    Don't play a role.
    Be yourself.

    And, if that's not what this guy wants, go out and find someone who deserves you
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 18, 2013 6:59 AM GMT
    He wants you to "fight for him" in what sense? I don't get it.