Do relationships need arguments to be a real relationship?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 3:04 PM GMT
    So I know the topic question may be a stupid one, but I honestly don't know the answer to it because I haven't yet had a long term relationship. Not to sound arrogant, but the past relationships I have been in I have been told by each guy that I am a the total package and a genuine nice guy, but each time they had an excuse for why they felt like they should end it. One guy I dated told his friends it didn't work out because I was "too nice". I know I am not perfect and definitely have my own faults, but I do try to be nice and don't like conflicts or arguments. I just like to get along with people. One of my friends told me that maybe I need to have more arguments to seem more personal because trying to get along all the time may seem fake. I don't understand why you'd have to argue to be closer with people, but I am beginning to question if it's true because I haven't yet been in a long term relationship (which I want to have). Do I need to disagree and argue more in my relationships? Once again, I feel stupid for asking this but I am honestly confused at why if I am trying my best to be a good and committed boyfriend that it still never works out? It gets me so freaking depressed.
  • De_Couteau

    Posts: 11

    Jul 18, 2013 3:32 PM GMT
    Thats an interesting thought.

    Personally, I think a little argument is a healthy sign as along as it's done in a healthy manner. I hate and avoid conflict too, but I also tend to sacrifice a lot of what I want to avoid conflict. The conversation that a healthy argument prompts can sometimes open more lines of communication and help you understand the other person better. On some levels, if you never argue or disagree with someone, you might not feel like you're really getting to know the real them.

    On the other hand, some people might just feel intimidated by someone who never gets upset or argumentative. Dating someone perfect kind of makes you feel inferior, so maybe they need someone more on their level of flaws.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 3:33 PM GMT
    No, I feel that relationships need good communication, discussions and understanding between the couple, not arguments.

    BTW, if you're planning to argue, what do you want to argue about? we argue only when we disagree with the other...so, do you disagree with anything from your partner?

    No, don't agree with whatever others say, not even me...listen and agree only when your conscience agrees with others, agree only when you are satisfied with your reasoning

    Don't change/fake your originality for others sake unless there is a fault in you, because, remember that no one can play a better role of you than you.
    Being nice is a great quality, I honestly say that most of us desire to see this quality in their partners.

    If others walk away from you, it doesn't mean that there's something wrong in you, it means that you deserve someone better.

    and BTW, honestly, I didn't find any stupidity in your question.
  • popobtc

    Posts: 74

    Jul 18, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    Do you normally voice your opinion on small things like what movie you want to see, or what you want to do for the night? They may mistake your caring more for the relationship then what you personally want to do more. This is what happened to my last relationship, I honestly will do anything and will have fun no matter what (we never argued)...but He mistook my laid back personality for not really caring.

    Good Luck
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Jul 18, 2013 6:12 PM GMT
    If a guy dumped you because you're "too nice" then he's just bat-shit crazy!

    Here's the thing, you need to be who you are and not change - especially not change an admirable quality. How the hell is being "too nice" even a bad thing?

    I suspect there are reason's beyond you're being too nice that they decided that it wasn't working. If you'd been an asshole, they'd have dumped you because of that.

    You'll meet a guy that will love you for you, and that's the man you'll have a quality relationship with. You're one helluva a hot man, and I'd think guys would be tripping over each other to ask you out. Just give it some time, You'll meet a man that thinks a guy that's "too nice" is just perfect - I know I would.

    You're young, don't get depressed yet, you've got way too much life ahead of you. Enjoy it. You need to be patient - it takes time to meet a good match.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 7:34 PM GMT
    Arguing bores me more than bad sex so thankfully Im in a relationship where I dont experience either. I could NEVER date a drama queen or a hothead that has to yell and scream to get a point across. The guy Im with has a pretty short fuse but he learned early on not to waste that temper on me since it got him nowhere. If we arent seeing eye to eye, we talk, we joke, we do whatever it takes to get past it; if we're deadlocked, we agree to disagree and move on.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 7:37 PM GMT
    Thanks for all of the great advice guys. Each of those is a really good opinion on the subject and very helpful to my questions. I do need get better at making more decisions on the little things in a relationship because I am definitely one of those people who is happy with whatever the other person wants to choose. I know I also need to be patient for the right guy but it's so hard to be, especially when you live in the south where being gay is not supported as much as the north supports it. I really do appreciate you guys input, so thanks again.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 7:43 PM GMT
    Some folks like things to be nice. Nice. And easy. And then there are others.....

  • Jonathan16

    Posts: 50

    Jul 18, 2013 7:45 PM GMT
    Yes because its makes the make up sex so much worthwhile
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Jul 18, 2013 7:45 PM GMT
    No, and I'm guessing you'll find the right man for you.icon_smile.gif
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4435

    Jul 18, 2013 8:22 PM GMT
    corejock2012 saidThanks for all of the great advice guys. Each of those is a really good opinion on the subject and very helpful to my questions. I do need get better at making more decisions on the little things in a relationship because I am definitely one of those people who is happy with whatever the other person wants to choose. I know I also need to be patient for the right guy but it's so hard to be, especially when you live in the south where being gay is not supported as much as the north supports it. I really do appreciate you guys input, so thanks again.

    I hate to argue, too. And my partner and I almost never argue. But occasionally, something will happen that feels threatening to the relationship and I will explode. You may be perceived as "too nice" because you're seen to have few opinions. If you're "happy with whatever the other person wants to choose," then your style, preferences, point of view never surfaces and you are seen as bland or worse, a door mat. Let your guy know who you are. What you like. Have enthusiasms.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 8:27 PM GMT
    Yep theres no such thing as too-nice.

    In-fact it sounds like some bitchy ass philosophy pioneered by a wanna-be mean girl gayer!

    Now if they meant that you were fake, that could be different. I.e. your niceness is perceived as not a genuine trait of your personality.

    My boyfriend tells me to this day that when we started dating I "miss-represented" myself and pretended to be very sweet, and that I'm actually a raging bitch.

    My point being is that maybe you need additional time inside these relationships to develop a different opinion and you can find something to argue about.

    My boyfriend and I argue about everything, pretty much all the time...and I don't necessarily think thats an indication that our relationship isn't healthy, even though it may not be...lol
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jul 18, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    Nice could be code for boring icon_smile.gif

    But I agree, a bf can't be too nice, to me or to others -- as long as they know how to get down and dirty in the bedroom icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    Yes and no. There is such a thing as being too nice, in a sense. Some people who are labeled as too nice are people who avoid conflict and awkward situations at all costs. This seems nice on the surface, but it can really be meaner than confronting a problem and dealing with it so that it can be resolved. It can be very aggravating to try to talk to someone who won't deal with a problem because it's too awkward or may lead to a fight. Those problems could eventually destroy your relationship. That's not to say you really need to have all out fights, but you need to be willing to have frank discussions with people, even if it means that the conversation might become heated.
  • Joeyphx444

    Posts: 2382

    Jul 18, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    Depends on how much you argue, and what about. Are you arguing about stupid little things or things like politics and lifestyles? I guess a healthy argument/debate is good for any relationship but if you are arguing over, let's say the way your bf drives or does something, then it's not good at all

    Also, you want to make sure the arguments you have are easily stopped or you come to a conclusion. Sometimes they can go on for a long time or even end up in anger and violence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:10 PM GMT
    An argument can actually strengthen the bond between the two - If they learn to work out in the end and talk about it. Well most of the time.
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    I was married for 22 years and when I came out and we decided to split we kidded about opening the doors and fighting so the neighbors would get a sense that something was wrong. You could count the fights over the 22 years on one hand, so no, arguing is not required.

    Having said that however, I've argued more with guys I've dated than ever before. Maybe some has to do with compatibility, some learning each other but never had an issue with someone being 'too nice'. I too would argue, no pun intended, that if that is being equated to boring, lazy, a feeling of non-commitment, then perhaps you need to work more on open communications, or at least try and get the other guy to open up more about what's good and what's bad about your relationship.

    Being young might lend itself to shorter 'dating' relationship but once you find someone you really get along with, arguing is NOT a necessary component, in my opinion.
  • shawn06

    Posts: 337

    Jul 18, 2013 10:20 PM GMT
    If you're holding everything in just to avoid an argument then eventually the day will come when everything you've been trying to avoid will blow up. It's not healthy to not argue but it isn't healthy argue too much, there is a balance like with everything else in life and you have to know where your relationship stands.
  • BAHBAA

    Posts: 122

    Jul 18, 2013 10:22 PM GMT
    I would never date a guy that is too nice, wether they are being fake or not. I respect someone who tells me how it is. When you constantly make concessions in a relationship it builds up a lot of resentment. sooner or later you're going to lose it. Communication and disagreement is healthy.

    I wouldn't necessarily "argue more" with your potential bf then he's just going to thing you're a dick. lol
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    Yes I have yet to ever hear of a real relationship that doesn't have arguments and if they leave ya because of an argument it was never a relationship to begin with its not all rainbows and sunshine!!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 10:58 PM GMT
    No, I feel good communication as adult men is essential in any healthy relationship... My parents never argued were both professional people so I don't come from a dysfunctional back round in heated arguments.. Personally,
    I think your a real catch and if someone is too argumentative in a relationship we me, I usually feel like we are on different roads and end it quickly..

    your a sexy guy and your approach to a relationship is very normal and wait till you find a man who can communicate with you as an adult instead of arguing and acting like a child
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 11:05 PM GMT
    Arguments can made a relationship stronger, and show you a lot about the people in them.

    Every person sees things differently so it's hard to say if there is a right answer to this. Personally, I think the best relationship would come about through civil disagreements, but not necessarily arguments.

    If people see you as the complete package, they may get intimidated. They may also feel like you are holding out on them, because you never argue. They could also see it as you not thinking they are worth fighting for. It honestly could be anything. Every person see's things differently, but what's important is that you find someone who is at least willing to work with you.

    I see nothing wrong with the complete package kind of guy. Just make sure you are honest and open with them if there are ever times when they make you feel uncomfortable. Truth is a very powerful thing.
  • CJWhite

    Posts: 34

    Jul 18, 2013 11:07 PM GMT
    I think it can be important as it shows that you'll get passionate about issues that concern you both and therefore shows that you care about each other. Sort of like a subconscious thing?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 18, 2013 11:09 PM GMT
    The person who claimed you were "too nice" probably just meant he found you boring in one aspect or another. Just move on and find someone you click better with.
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    Jul 18, 2013 11:20 PM GMT
    I don't think an 'argument' per se is necessary, just a good level of good, open and honest communication.
    It just turns into an argument when both people are quite passionate about a particular issue.

    The key is being able to agree to disagree with each other and a good tip is to not sleep on an argument.

    Often people who sleep on it end up waking up with more bitterness and resentment about the issue and towards the person.
    I feel it's better to deal with it whilst the issue is at it's smallest rather than let it grow into a big thing.

    Honestly OP, if you aren't really an 'argumentative' person then seriously don't sweat it.
    My sister's husband is exactly the same, he's a very chill and easy going guy and he talks about issues really casually and calmly.
    It doesn't mean that he doesn't care, he's just a 'no fuss no muss' kind of guy and you might be similar.

    Not to sound cliche but it might just be that you haven't found the right person. Please don't think that to have a valid relationship you have to argue with them, that is not true.
    If it's not your nature to be like that then certainly don't start up random arguments out of fear of coming across 'disinterested' in the relationship.

    Honestly think of it as a blessing in disguise, if you aren't the type to flare up about issues then at least you know you can talk about them logically and reasonably icon_smile.gif
    I can't speak for everyone of course but that's how I feel like it is with my brother in law.