dealing with player douchebags - any advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2008 8:28 PM GMT
    Last night my friend came to my restaurant with 3 of his friends to celebrate his birthday. I checked in on him throughout the night and he seemed to be having a wonderful time. After their main course I decided to stop in and have a drink with them before they left. To my surprise I found 2 of his friends had left and in their place was the asshole player he's been hanging out with for the past few months.

    Apparently the douche invited himself to dinner, got into an arguement with my friend's 2 friends and his friends stormed out. By this time my friend had switched to drinking scotch and was well on his way to a complete breakdown. In the end I grabbed his coat and bags, dragged him into a cab and took him home to his apartment. He cried to me asking what's wrong with him that he's so enamored with a man who consistently does things to upset him. I told him the douche is merely an insecure jackass who's constantly on a quest to gain attention -- the best form of which being my friend's uncontrollable adoration of him.

    I went through something similar recently so I know where he's at but I also know he's got to be the one to break contact with this fool. Still, it breaks my heart to see him in such pain. What else can I do to help him?
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    Nov 08, 2008 8:54 PM GMT
    If your friend's interest in this "player" has become an obsession, there might not be a lot you can do. Other than try to give him support and advice, though even that may be enabling the obsession to continue.

    I had a BF I very much loved, but after a year he began cheating behind my back. When he finally admitted it there was no surprise, I had long sensed it.

    But soon afterwards he was coming to me for advice, because this other guy was a total jerk. My ex agreed he was a jerk, but also couldn't drop him. It was some kind of obsessive, self-destructive thing I couldn't comprehend, but there it was, right in front of me.

    I tried every argument, every tactic, to help my ex get over the guy, as he asked me to do for him. But nothing worked.

    The guy eventually moved over 1000 miles away, and my ex is still unable to forget him. Aside from the direct negatives of their bad relationship, my ex has also lost many opportunities to meet other decent guys, with whom he might have had a quality relationship.

    I told my ex his problem was beyond my skills to help, and that he needed professional help. He rejected the idea, as being an admission he was flawed and not in charge of his own life. Ironic he was both asking me for help because he couldn't deal with this, but then saying he didn't need better help than I could offer.

    This kind of irrational & illogical behavior is typical of an obsession, the person literally being unable to see the obvious. If that describes your friend, then I fear you're in for a lot of frustration & disappointment. Unless you have a license in psychology, I wouldn't accept the job of "curing" him. Point him in the right direction, and leave the rest to him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 08, 2008 11:57 PM GMT
    Arrange an accident for the douche so his face isn't pretty anymore?
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    Nov 09, 2008 12:10 AM GMT
    Your friend has to take the initiative you can only do so much. It sounds like your friend's self-esteem is perhaps not as sturdy as it could be. In order for him to boost it he is going to have to stay away from this guy. I realize that is easier said than done, but it sounds like he has no option. Be there for your friend, try and do things with him to keep his mind off his infatuation, but he is going to have to do the really tough part.
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    Nov 09, 2008 12:16 AM GMT
    Trance24 saidArrange an accident for the douche so his face isn't pretty anymore?


    OH! If only it were that simple...

    We've all been there, and in the state of mind I've been in, the pretty face means nothing.

    genqb, your friend needs to hit rock-bottom. Keep telling him it's stupid, but it's up to him and you cant do anything about it. Leave it at that. Your friend will have to learn like we all have to, by intense pain.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 09, 2008 12:21 AM GMT
    It becomes a self-destructive cycle.
    People love attention. I deal with this with my aunt on a regular basis.
    The guy just wants her around to fuck. She even says his dick's not that big. However she still goes right after him when he calls.

    Suddenly she changed her number. Now they only communicate through email. Guess who was sitting outside the house when I got home the other day. The Douchebag. He is the stalker one.

    I tell her. If you want him as a Fbuddy then leave it at that. That's all he wants. If you want something more than just get rid of him.
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    Nov 09, 2008 12:50 AM GMT
    Trance24 saidArrange an accident for the douche so his face isn't pretty anymore?


    I charge double if you want it to look like an accident icon_mad.gif
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    Nov 09, 2008 1:01 AM GMT

    There's nothing you can do this time because you don't have any past experience to point at and say "remember when...." Next time you'll be golden because you can say " remember that last douche baggy guy you let capitalize?" She's gotta fall, I'm afraid, but be there to say "I told you so." They may say they don't like it, but they do want you there to say " I told you so." It's a friend's duty.
  • tomchadwin

    Posts: 26

    Nov 09, 2008 1:11 AM GMT
    I know exactly what these "player douchebags" can do to people. This is not (just) about being involved with a scumbag. This is about encountering a psycho, a total nutjob. I've had a couple of these people in my life, as well as one as a lover--dear GAWD (whatever/whoever that is or might be).

    These people are really damaging, or can be. You can turn hyper-vigilant, on your guard from every direction, and I think that we have to be. What to do? Jesus. Tell your friend to break all contacts or just erase that piece of shit's number from your friend's cell -- do it on his behave and do it NOW! They even write songs about it and stuff. Tell your friend to do whatever the hell he needs to do or wants to do to get over that son of bitch, whatever movie, whatever vacation, go visit his good friend in Hoboken, take sick days and lay around, scratching himself, watching old favorite movies, reading old favorite books, the cool autumn breezes coming in his windows. But not old favorite movies with happy endings maybe -- do you have any favorite movies where everyone dies a horrible death in the end? Or at least the reality of life is shown as it is, which is to say don't watch hollywood crap now. (Or ever, but hey, that's off topic.)

    If you really care for your friend, you should go confront that douchebag (at least that's what I did for my friend). Tell that asshole piece of shit to leave your friend the fcuk alone. You might want to try to shame him at his work if that's possible, have a huge screaming festival there, but pick your topics, don't look like a shrill, rather stick to the facts, he's a lying piece of dogshit and never, ever to be trusted -- he might be sleazing around with a few guys there, and in any case he's not just a liar to men, he's a lying piece of bird shit in every possible way. That's probably overkill, though. You want to be careful in this whole thing, not to sull yourself -- if you pick up shit to throw at him you'll end up with shit on your hands, and that's no good.

    Sum: Do whatever you can to get that bastard out of friend's life. Tell him to dump his cum somewhere else. Tell your friend to go get laid, hire him Erik Rhodes if need be; it's amazing the comfort of human touch, and an orgasm or eight doesn't hurt anything either. Tell him to take a trip or not, whatever he wants. Tell him to lean heavily into his friends (you) and family. Pray, meditate, if that floats his boat. Call upon any of the sympathetic voices from here on Realjock.com -- this is a good community, there's a lot of good here, and some greatness as well. Good luck.
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    Nov 09, 2008 1:39 AM GMT

    I agree with Chadwin, I was going to suggest that the only douche a man won't use is a dirty one so start diggin for the deep down ground in dirt and dump it all on your friend's doorstep, (set it on fire first).
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 09, 2008 5:01 AM GMT
    You know what?
    Your friend's an ass .... and you keep up being the "good" friend
    by telling this gay that he better drop this fool
    He's going to reward you by turning on you and you're going to be out one friend in the long run
    You need to tell this "friend" of yours THAT you're going to say this once and only once
    That he is better off without him
    Then you drop it and never bring it up again
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    Nov 09, 2008 5:37 AM GMT
    You need to take a bat to this guy's knees. Or at least an emotional bat to his psyche.
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:13 AM GMT
    Let's call it the Amy Winehouse Syndrome hehe

    Seriously, I agree. It has to be him who severs the ties, you can only do so much. Just try to be there for him in the meantime.
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    Nov 10, 2008 2:15 PM GMT
    There are a lot of players out there, ive met several.

    I dont date much if at all, and its because people here just want some muscle to bang them. Im not like that, Im out for a relationship.


    Even when it comes to that, people will lie to me about wanting something serious just to get some. Whats worse is the bi guys that want some big guy to fuck them while there wife is away.


    If you're honest player then okay but if you bring other peoples emotions into things and lie about them being the only person, you deserve to catch something bad.

    sorry but its true....




  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 2:45 PM GMT
    what exactly has this 'douche' done?