Anyone else find it hard to hang out with their parents/family now that they are older?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    I went to see my parents and 2 brothers for a few days this past week. I haven't lived with them in almost 3 years. And before that, I lived with them on and off since I was 19 and lived with both parents until then. I've been making an effort to visit more often than once a year and holidays.

    But, as I was leaving, I started to realize I don't really feel like doing much with them as far as going out. They talked about going out to dinner and doing some of the local attractions, and although I didn't downright say no...I wasn't as motivated to want to do it. I love them and miss them, but when we're out in public, they make me feel embarrassed by the things they do LOL. Its hard to explain and I don't want to go into it. Not to mention, I've gotten so used to being around certain people and doing things alone, and my family is so far from that.

    It's like I feel sad, not necessarily for them or me, but just the reality of it not being how it was 10 years ago. I can still remember the Thursday family nights out. But I am so used to going on dates, and hanging out with other gays...that hanging with the family doesn't appeal to me much anymore. I feel we go out and I'm just out of my environment and can't be myself. Anyone reached this stage?
  • isuflyboy

    Posts: 363

    Jul 20, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    I agree. I'm only 19 but it's amazing how a year of college can make you realize that your life absolutely sucked before.. I'm an only child so my parents don't have anyone else to care for so there's always soo much attention on me it's crazy.. Like my mom just stares at me because if I go a day without seeing her she misses me extremely bad...
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 20, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    I like hanging with my mom, she is pretty cool. I definitely dread having to hang with family, mostly because we are all different and have different values and different interests. The illusion of childhood innocence was long ago broken. Just because they are your family, doesn't necessarily mean they are your friend.
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    Jul 20, 2013 4:23 PM GMT
    Not at all.

    I was having this conversation yesterday at work since the woman I work with was saying he remembers how it felt when her kids were suddenly embarrassed by her. And I couldn't help but say that we have the exact opposite problem.

    My parents are embarrassed by their kids. icon_lol.gif

    But my parents are actually super easy to hang out with.
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    Jul 20, 2013 4:29 PM GMT
    I try not to sound judgmental but I just lost my mom a little less than a year ago. Although I found some character traits to be annoying, I would take them all now happily to just have one more day with her. treasure those close to you because one day they may not be here.

    The other thing to think about here is that we all have personality traits that annoy our parents. It is not a one way street.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 4:31 PM GMT
    I understand. I love my parents but don't like living with them. They are very nosy.

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    Jul 20, 2013 5:10 PM GMT
    I understand where you are coming from. I try to contextualize my parents in their own generation. Being a little understanding that they were brought up in a world way different from the world now.

    My parents were teenagers in the early 1950s, so their worldview is really different from mine. At this point, I find them amusing, and do everything I can to connect with them as an adult. Our time with them is limited, so do what you can to make the most of it. Sometimes, you are just going to have to suck it up and let them be annoying or wack. Try to LOVE them for how they are.

    Now, since you didn't want to be specific, I'll offer this: If their behaviors are sexist, racist, or homophobic, you can calmly and politely let them know that if they are going to choose to behave this way, you will not be participating in public outings with them. I see that as the only honest way to deal with these extreme behaviors.
  • metta

    Posts: 39165

    Jul 20, 2013 5:15 PM GMT
    I think that what you are mentioning is common. And there will probably come a time when you want to spend more time with them. And then, as is a part of life for many, you will wish that you were able to spend time with them.

    My father died when I was 18. He has been gone for more than 1/2 my current lifetime. I would still love to be able to spend time with him.
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    Jul 20, 2013 5:21 PM GMT
    My dad works for/with me everyday. Mom, I see her in my office every afternoon, same with my sisters. My family loves to have a good time lots of parties, bbqs, etc... so I still get to spend a lot of time with them.
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    Jul 20, 2013 5:35 PM GMT
    There are a total of six kids in my family (I have a twin) and we all love our mother and father but our father died a long time ago (I was 7 at the time) so our mom is all we've got. To answer your question, never will I ever lose interest with my mother.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 6:17 PM GMT
    Yes they can be annoying. I felt the same way about my grandparents but when I heard my grandpa died I broke down realizing I will never see him again. I was used to him always being there during my summer trips to Europe but once he actually died I realized how much I love him.
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    Jul 20, 2013 6:34 PM GMT
    My mom and I don't talk much unless I need something. I try as much as,possible to avoid her.
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    Jul 20, 2013 6:47 PM GMT
    I'm practically in tears reading your post. My mom and dad used to embarrass me terribly. Nothing big.....just little things they would say or do in public. I cringe looking back on how I acted around them and I'm so ashamed of myself I can't even describe it. My mom suddenly got sick and passed away 5 years ago (it seems like maybe a year), then my dad died 2 years ago. Within a short period of time, I went from having both parents to being an orphan. I would give every penny in my bank account just to be able to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself and make myself realize what I had. But obviously I can't do that. The next best thing I can do is verbally slap the shit out of you, in hopes you'll wake up and see that they won't always be there to embarrass you. The day will come (sooner than you think) when you will give anything to have them there to embarrass you again. Don't be an idiot like me. Okay, now I'm crying.
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    Jul 20, 2013 6:54 PM GMT
    You will learn to be patient with them and accept them when they get older. My step mom farts at parties and gatherings since she has slight alzheimer's. So while you may feel funny about hanging around them now like I did around my teens and early 20s, it changes as you get older. They begin to depend on you being around later in life.
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    Jul 20, 2013 7:01 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidI'm practically in tears reading your post. My mom and dad used to embarrass me terribly. Nothing big.....just little things they would say or do in public. I cringe looking back on how I acted around them and I'm so ashamed of myself I can't even describe it. My mom suddenly got sick and passed away 5 years ago (it seems like maybe a year), then my dad died 2 years ago. Within a short period of time, I went from having both parents to being an orphan. I would give every penny in my bank account just to be able to go back in time and slap the shit out of myself and make myself realize what I had. But obviously I can't do that. The next best thing I can do is verbally slap the shit out of you, in hopes you'll wake up and see that they won't always be there to embarrass you. The day will come (sooner than you think) when you will give anything to have them there to embarrass you again. Don't be an idiot like me. Okay, now I'm crying.


    Aww don't cry D:
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    bradomo saidYou will learn to be patient with them and accept them when they get older. My step mom farts at parties and gatherings since she has slight alzheimer's. So while you may feel funny about hanging around them now like I did around my teens and early 20s, it changes as you get older. They begin to depend on you being around later in life.

    This is how it was for me. At your age your values and goals are much different than what they are for people of your parents age. When you get to your late 20s and 30s you'll be comfortable with people much older than you.
  • O5vx

    Posts: 3154

    Jul 20, 2013 7:30 PM GMT
    I have never really had what is consider a normal family. I and my dad do not really get along much. Through out my life he has only been my faraway father, hence we never had any good relationship. My mom as done so much for us though and I love her to death, even though we don't see eye to eye either.

    My point is, you view about your family will change over time, you just have to be willing to wait. When you are old yourself, you will understand that the things they do are not meant to embarrass you, but them trying to express themselves the way they know best.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 7:35 PM GMT
    You are blessed. you have to healthy parents and your blessed because both your parents are alive. You're also blessed because they sound like they are wonderful parents. One day you won't have either one of your parents. Be thankful. icon_biggrin.gif
  • vj2004t

    Posts: 203

    Jul 20, 2013 7:38 PM GMT
    My dad is 86 i live with him sometimes he drives me crazy. He just gets pissy sometimes. Val
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    Jul 20, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    There are always some generational differences between parents and children. When the children growth up and become adolescents, generational conflicts may appear and that is not exclusive for the gay people, it happens to everybody. When individuals are ready to go out from home and that means (physically, mentally, educationally, economically) then, they should start a family or not and be able to have the style of life of his/hers preference. The way that conflicts are addressed in the family depends of the cultural and educational background of the parents. This is a natural process of life; individuals should be ready at a point and just start a life by themselves as their parents did before. In my life experience, after 6 years here in USA, after my father died, I asked my mother to come here from Cuba and start a new life because she was alone. Then, my mom came and she is with me right now. What really help us is that she is intelligent, a very easy going person and she was a professional as I am. Of course, we had to do some adjustments in our lives. I am a former physician from Cuba and I like to help people so I did not have any conflict with my decision. I just did with my mom what I believe was the right choice to help the person that rise me with love and gave me the education and a sense of integrity.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 8:09 PM GMT
    my extended family has always been close. my grandparents have passed away, but all the rest of us - all the aunts & uncles, cousins and everyone who's married into the family, we're all friends.
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    Jul 20, 2013 8:11 PM GMT
    I envy you guys who pissed their parents after they died. My dad dying was the best thing that happened to me and that in a way is utterly depressing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    It's all about having a balanced life. I lived away from home for the longest time too! but now my parents are older and more open/accepting of my sexuality! I tried to hang out with them more now that I'm still single/dating. Lol They even ask me if I have a new bf, bring him home and let's go out to dinner altogether! Hahaha I was shocked and happy to hear this. icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 20, 2013 8:39 PM GMT
    My dad fancies himself a road rider, so once a month or so I take him out for a century ride, just to make sure he understands who has the better cycling skills. After I let him buy me dinner and we laugh.
    You can't choose your family members, but you can appreciate and love them.
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    Jul 20, 2013 9:50 PM GMT
    HECK YEAH!