He does drugs. Occasionally

  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jul 22, 2013 8:35 PM GMT
    Hey there.

    I have no one to talk to about this so I decided to post here. I need your advice guys.

    Here's the thing. I've been dating this guy for the last 4 months. We're not officially together, but it's getting more and more serious. He's the first guy I truly opened up to and even though we've had our ups and downs, we've gone through the idealisation phase and still want to keep seeing each other.

    He's a police officer and works his ass off. Sometimes even 14 hours a day and then when he gets home, he studies. He's currently doing his PhD. I do realize it must be really stressful and because of it all he doesn't get enough sleep and is tired most of the time, but last night, he told me (by accident) that he does cocaine and amfetamine from time to time. He's been doing it for 2 years now. He claims he only does it once or twice a month when things get rough at work. He also does it when he's out with his friends, but that happens once a month, mainly because of his busy schedule.
    Now the thing is, I've never done any drugs, not even pot so I was really shocked when I found out what I found out. He wouldn't have told me had it not been for me pushing him to answer my questions and being honest with me. I was taken aback by the fact that he got all defensive and said it was none of my business, that he was doing just fine and he was in control. What makes me even more worried is his attitude towards it. He says everybody does drugs nowadays and I shouldn't be making a big deal out of it. And then there's his job. Like I said, he's a police officer and taking drugs makes him a bit of a hypocrite. I told him I was disgusted by what I found out and that if we decide to be in a relationship he will have to stop and if he doesn't, I'll leave. He said it was ok with him, but I'm still wondering whether I'm doing the right thing.
    I care for him and I am starting to develop feelings towards him. He's been through a lot in his life, but does difficult childhood and adolescence justify the fact that he does drugs? I worry about him. I don't want anything bad to happen to him because of that.

    I know it's all up to me, but what would you guys do? I don't want to end it, but I have so many doubts now. Am I really making a big deal out of it? Maybe I should be more understanding and accept things for what they are?

    I'll appreciate your insight. Thanks
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Jul 22, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    It only becomes a problem if you make it into one. It seems he's pretty level headed (job + phd) and I doubt he's addicted.
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    Jul 22, 2013 10:45 PM GMT
    It can lead to excessive drinking, and stuff like Valium and opiates. Watch out for that!
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    Jul 23, 2013 3:53 AM GMT
    The key word to any vice is moderation.

    If he feels like he is in control of the situation and it's not affecting his work or private life, then it's his choice to make.

    Though I would be VERY concerned that as a police officer, he can get into really deep shit if he were caught.

    If you want to convince him to stop, I would go for that angle.

    But trying to convince him that drugs are bad for him by shaming him probably won't work.


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    Jul 23, 2013 4:11 AM GMT
    As someone whose happy eight-year relationship was destroyed by my ex-partner's drug use, I think you're absolutely right to be concerned. Your disgust when he told you is not a feeling that's likely to change, especially if it's something you find too distasteful to do yourself. I don't agree with people who are preaching "everything in moderation" here. If you feel strongly about this, and it sounds like you do, stick to your guns. There are a lot of amazing guys out there that don't do drugs -- you deserve one.
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    Jul 23, 2013 4:13 AM GMT
    I couldn't be in a relationship with someone with any drug use. It's not for me to say anyone else could or couldn't. That's just me.
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    Jul 23, 2013 4:14 AM GMT
    So theoretically he would arrest people for doing the same thing he's doing himself. His moral fiber is more than just frayed it's torn. He's a hypocrite. I'd have nothing to do with him. This is why people hate cops - they think they're above the laws they are entrusted to enforce.

    Question for you: Why if you do not do drugs would you invite an addict to be part of your life. You're just asking for trouble. There will always some sort of "stress" in his life he will use as an excuse to use. My advice is to dump him before you invest anymore of yourself, your heart, or your time in this guy.
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    Jul 23, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    Dump the creep! He does drugs yet he's law enforcement? Also trying to get his PhD? What profession exactly is he getting his PhD in? If it's anything health related, which all are very stressful careers, this little drug habit could potentially get worse.
  • HorrorHound

    Posts: 1435

    Jul 23, 2013 4:21 AM GMT
    UndercoverMan saidSo theoretically he would arrest people for doing the same thing he's doing himself. His moral fiber is more than just frayed it's torn. He's a hypocrite. I'd have nothing to do with him. This is why people hate cops - they think they're above the laws they are entrusted to enforce. .


    ^^^ This.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11819

    Jul 23, 2013 5:02 AM GMT
    Run away...RUN AWAY...
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:04 AM GMT
    SF79 saidAs someone whose happy eight-year relationship was destroyed by my ex-partner's drug use, I think you're absolutely right to be concerned. Your disgust when he told you is not a feeling that's likely to change, especially if it's something you find too distasteful to do yourself. I don't agree with people who are preaching "everything in moderation" here. If you feel strongly about this, and it sounds like you do, stick to your guns. There are a lot of amazing guys out there that don't do drugs -- you deserve one.


    I saw you at a fetish party in DC once. Years ago. I was wearing my slutty military PT shorts and ended up hooking with this army/airforce couple in the bathroom. Anyways,I remember the birdie tattoo you have cuz I have one too.


    The more I say my life out loud the more I realize how weird/sexfilled/wacky my life is....
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:08 AM GMT
    It's obviously a very serious issue to you and something he's not going to budge on. Probably best to walk away and take care of yourself first.
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:17 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 said
    SF79 saidAs someone whose happy eight-year relationship was destroyed by my ex-partner's drug use, I think you're absolutely right to be concerned. Your disgust when he told you is not a feeling that's likely to change, especially if it's something you find too distasteful to do yourself. I don't agree with people who are preaching "everything in moderation" here. If you feel strongly about this, and it sounds like you do, stick to your guns. There are a lot of amazing guys out there that don't do drugs -- you deserve one.


    I saw you at a fetish party in DC once. Years ago. I was wearing my slutty military PT shorts and ended up hooking with this army/airforce couple in the bathroom. Anyways,I remember the birdie tattoo you have cuz I have one too.


    The more I say my life out loud the more I realize how weird/sexfilled/wacky my life is....


    It's a sad, small gay world! icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:20 AM GMT
    I've known quite a few friends, tricks, supervisors, government officials, and yes, a few law enforcement types who do illegal drugs. I don't try to change them. The hypocritical aspect of it bothers me more than the actual drug use. But it happens to be one of my lines in the sand. They're not getting to the "inner circle," whatever that means.
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:23 AM GMT
    mindgarden saidThey're not getting to the "inner circle," whatever that means.


    On a site like this I'm pretty sure that refers to 'in your butt'.
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    Jul 23, 2013 5:30 AM GMT
    Nah, I'd do some of those guys. But I wouldn't invest emotionally or financially in any of them.
  • GraffitiMySou...

    Posts: 139

    Jul 23, 2013 7:20 AM GMT
    Wow, you guys are awesome! Thanks a lot for all the responses!


    It's been two days and I'm still confused and I don't know what to think of it all. I mean, when I look at the past 4 months (minus the last two days) it's been amazing. I got to know him a lot and he is a really good guy. He accepted me for who I am and all my flaws didn't discourage him. I don't know, maybe I feel like I owe him and should just pretend that nothing happened? I can't though.

    What bothers me the most is that he said he would never have told me if it hadn't been for that little slip-up. This and the fact that he got all defensive, as if I was attacking him when all I did was ask questions. He told me it was because he was scared I would leave him...

    I'm gonna see him on saturday and we'll talk about it all. He knows I think he's a hypocrite. I just need to get my act together and not let my emotions cloud my judgement. If I see or find out something that will make me think he's not being honest, I'll leave him. I will, even though I don't want to.
  • easterndude69

    Posts: 632

    Jul 23, 2013 7:21 AM GMT
    mindgarden saidI've known quite a few friends, tricks, supervisors, government officials, and yes, a few law enforcement types who do illegal drugs. I don't try to change them. The hypocritical aspect of it bothers me more than the actual drug use. But it happens to be one of my lines in the sand. They're not getting to the "inner circle," whatever that means.


    Yeah, but it's nothing personal. It's just their job and they don't really have much choice in what laws they enforce. They may not agree with them either and that's fine. For example, the company I work for could have a drug-free mentality, but I would still go against it if I can get away with it because I like my weed and occasional dose of shrooms and/or acid, and I disagree that drugs are nothing but bad. In moderation they're ok, and I also believe that people who do drugs are judged and stereotyped too often. There are worse things too, some things of which even so-called "healthy" and "responsible" straight edge people take part in.icon_rolleyes.gif

    Anyway, I wouldn't dump him just because he does drugs occasionally. Don't try to change him either. I would only bring it up to him if you find it was getting out of control, but in moderation as long as he's in control of his life and not harming anyone, he should be fine. You don't have to take part in what he does, but at least let him do what he wants. You won't get anywhere trying to tell him how to live.
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    Jul 23, 2013 7:32 AM GMT
    Matiz saidI couldn't be in a relationship with someone with any drug use. It's not for me to say anyone else could or couldn't. That's just me.


    Too many of my friends are dead from drugs or their lives almost ruined. If you think you can have friends that are users and stay clear of it watch "Orange is the new black".
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Jul 23, 2013 8:27 AM GMT
    I just saw someone I care for deeply fall deeply into Meth addiction so I am highly sensitive to the issue now.

    That said, it sounds like you have a difference of morality, and that is probably a deal breaker.
  • visualguy

    Posts: 204

    Jul 23, 2013 8:49 AM GMT
    It sounds like you're asking if you should make concessions for his drug use, because apparently he has no intentions to stop. You have to make the decision on what you're willing to live with, and the possible future consequences. He is okay with his drug use and for you to leave if you aren't comfortable with it.

    You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. You can't make them be who you want them to be. You either love them for who they are and all their faults, or you don't. You can try to explain to him how his drug-use is affecting you, but beyond that, you need to decide if you are willing to accept this as part of the package. Regardless of what others may think or say, it really comes down to how you feel about it. I wish you the best.
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jul 23, 2013 9:02 AM GMT
    I once went on a date with a guy who ran a re-hab center and he said the rule of thumb is...however often a drug user tells you he is doing - double that figure and how ever much he says he is spending ...triple that
    I am on the opposite bench I have been clean now for almost 6 years....I regularly did drugs for about 15 years of my life
    I am happy to be clean...however a guy who had never touched anything ...ever ...well I find something a bit sanitized about them - perhaps I am even proud of my dirty past ...but Ive never felt any connection with squeeky clean guys
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    Jul 23, 2013 11:04 AM GMT

    So I realize I'm late to the thread, but this kind of thing is right up my alley so I'll offer my two cents. Personally I think there's nothing wrong with coke every now and then--I quite enjoy it myself when it's done properly (i.e. no all-night binges, etc). Given it's price and the toll it takes on one's nostrils, I also don't see how people can find it addictive in the long run.

    As an avid drug enthusiast, I can honestly say drugs have improved my life, aiding introspection, offering a source(s) of creativity, and opening me up to sensations I may never otherwise have felt. For instance, Ecstacy practically helped to force me out the closet by exposing me to the most profound feeling of love and togetherness I had, to that point, ever felt, which then persuaded me that there was more to life than the narrow confines of the closet-that I wanted that same feeling, but for real, from another person.

    Guy sounds like he works himself to death. Little coke sounds just like what the doc ordered.
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    Jul 23, 2013 11:44 AM GMT
    rm71186 said
    (1) I also don't see how people can find it addictive in the long run.
    ......
    (2) As an avid drug enthusiast, I can honestly say drugs have improved my life, aiding introspection, offering a source(s) of creativity, and opening me up to sensations I may never otherwise have felt.


    As to (1), WTF? All too many have found it addictive enough to ruin their lives.

    Re (2): sooner or later you may find yourself being opened up to the sensation of being raped by your cellmates.
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    Jul 23, 2013 12:10 PM GMT
    Members of my extended family have had substance problems. Generally, I have found that the most "driven" and "high-achieving" of drug users are also the most likely to have problems with addiction and overdose; the "Type A" personalities, those who insist on control, may become defensive to the point of being abusive, and ultimately cause a great deal of harm to their families and careers.

    I have had some training in psychopharmacology. Considering cocaine's wide range of interference with neurotransmitter reuptake, I'd say it's a very dangerous substance indeed. Physiologically, its direct impact on the mesolimbic system make it inarguably addictive. I haven't studied methamphetamine nearly as much, but if I remember correctly it works by damaging dopaminergic sectors.

    To bottom-line it: I don't see any practical difference between the use of such substances and other forms of self-harm. "Hard" drug users don't need judgement or drama, but they do need help.