Coming out to friends, two in one week. Blatant self-congratulations ahead.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:34 AM GMT
    I don't know why it's taken this long, but at 37 years of age, I've finally come to a point where I think it's just silly to still be in the closet to any of my friends. (Family is a different story... there are some religious nuts there).

    But this week I came out to two friends, one is one of my oldest friends, the other is my newest friend. Both were completely OK with it, as I expected.

    I've not always had friends who would be completely OK with it, and this has made me realize the value in picking good friends who are open minded and not overly conservative/judgmental.

    My only point in posting this is for the younger guys here who may be fretting about coming out. Don't wait as long as I have. Pick good friends who will accept you as you are. Life is much better being honest and open about who you are. Living in fear of others finding out your secret is depressing and debilitating.

    Being out allows me to be more of who I really am and I expect will only strengthen my friendships. In fact, it already has. My newest friend is now trying to find me a boyfriend! icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:45 AM GMT
    Ok you still beat me. My coming out list still only consists of one guy IRL. icon_razz.gif

    CONGRATS! icon_biggrin.gif

    And just for a totally random smile:

    40c50b25690bac420bbd7e30a933c89c.gif
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    Thats great Global! does this mean you will be posting a face pic also? icon_lol.gif That way we can know you for something other than the Rubik's cube guy.

    What has motivated you to come out?
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    Sedative saidOk you still beat me. My coming out list still only consists of one guy IRL. icon_razz.gif

    CONGRATS! icon_biggrin.gif


    Well, I'm actually out to many of my friends, but it just occurred to me how these two contrast, one being a friend I've known for almost 15 years and the other just a few weeks. It's weird but it's almost easier coming out to new friends.

    There's not that problem of "Why the hell didn't you tell me years ago?"
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:50 AM GMT
    Sedative, that animation brought back terrible memories of a time when I ran through a band and someone tripped me over. You said it would bring smiles. Now I will be crying myself to sleep tonight. ;_;
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:54 AM GMT
    ActiveAndFit saidThats great Global! does this mean you will be posting a face pic also? icon_lol.gif That way we can know you for something other than the Rubik's cube guy.

    What has motivated you to come out?


    I don't know. Let me see how holidays with the family goes.

    What motivated me? Just the fact that it's almost comical at this point to have friends asking if I'm dating anyone and trying to be evasive. They all seem to be trying to fix me up with some girl they know. It's easier to just be honest. And who knows, maybe they'll start trying to introduce me to their guy friends. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:58 AM GMT
    dowal saidSedative, that animation brought back terrible memories of a time when I ran through a band and someone tripped me over. You said it would bring smiles. Now I will be crying myself to sleep tonight. ;_;


    zomg i'b sowee. icon_cry.gif

    Cookie?

    cookie-bite-web.jpg
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    Nov 10, 2008 5:00 AM GMT
    Cookie!? This is just like that one time my grandma gave me an old cookie by mistake and I had the runs for two weeks. OH THE HORROR ;_;
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    Nov 10, 2008 5:09 AM GMT
    OH WHADDAFACK! icon_mad.gif

    A Cookiephobe! I hate people like you! You are scum! You hide behind your Black Forest Icing and try to control how other people eat their pastries. Whatever happened to the separation between the shortbread and the cake?

    You should be ashamed of yourself! Now eat that cookie! I took a bite to be sure it's edible enough!
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    Nov 10, 2008 5:26 AM GMT
    Sedative saidOH WHADDAFACK! icon_mad.gif

    A Cookiephobe! I hate people like you! You are scum! You hide behind your Black Forest Icing and try to control how other people eat their pastries. Whatever happened to the separation between the shortbread and the cake?

    You should be ashamed of yourself! Now eat that cookie! I took a bite to be sure it's edible enough!


    Cookiephobe is the name of the first dog I ever owned. I loved that dog. Thanks for reminding me of him, it brought a smile to my face. Thanks! icon_razz.gif
  • cg220

    Posts: 208

    Nov 10, 2008 5:28 AM GMT
    Global_Citizen said
    ActiveAndFit saidThats great Global! does this mean you will be posting a face pic also? icon_lol.gif That way we can know you for something other than the Rubik's cube guy.

    What has motivated you to come out?


    I don't know. Let me see how holidays with the family goes.

    What motivated me? Just the fact that it's almost comical at this point to have friends asking if I'm dating anyone and trying to be evasive. They all seem to be trying to fix me up with some girl they know. It's easier to just be honest. And who knows, maybe they'll start trying to introduce me to their guy friends. icon_wink.gif


    Good for you bud! I am in the same boat! it is just silly now and at our age (I have a few years on you too) people assume anyways. I find my issues are much more with myself than my mates. All I have told have totally accepted it and are cool with it. I just need to get through a few mental hurdles myself.

    You are good inspiration!!!!!!! And I agree with your comments to the younger guys out there. The sooner you do it, the better and more fulfilling your lives will be!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 5:28 AM GMT
    icon_biggrin.gif

    And with that we conclude our thread hijacking, many apologies Todd. icon_lol.gif

    Anyway, sleepz. Gnyt. icon_razz.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 5:32 AM GMT


    Sedative and Dowal, as your surrogate fairy god-fathers, here's two tickets to the movies, and please keep the groping to a minimum.


    Global Citizen, kindly resume.

    Congrats, by the way!

    -us
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    Nov 10, 2008 6:11 AM GMT
    As one of my first (I was 23, he was 20) said to me, "One great thing about being out is that you get a lot more dates."

    You also get to be yourself.

    Good for you, Global. And if you ever need a method that doesn't look like showboating, I find this works:

    New acquaintance or old friend: "Are you married [yet]?"

    Me: "No, I'm not married. Actually, I don't even have a boyfriend."
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    Nov 10, 2008 1:44 PM GMT
    cowboyo said
    Good for you, Global. And if you ever need a method that doesn't look like showboating, I find this works:

    New acquaintance or old friend: "Are you married [yet]?"

    Me: "No, I'm not married. Actually, I don't even have a boyfriend."

    I've also thought about saying, "Well, I only have that option in a couple of states so far" and see if they get it.
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    Nov 10, 2008 2:16 PM GMT
    Global_Citizen said...I think it's just silly to still be in the closet to any of my friends. (Family is a different story... there are some religious nuts there).


    Indeed, be very careful with family! Here's my own horror story, so incredible you may doubt it's truth, but this is exactly what happened to me in 2001:

    My gay friends kept urging me to come out to my family. I was out in the gay community, and to some straights, but I told my friends that certain members of my family would be highly hostile to the news.

    Oh, no, they insisted, you aren't really out of the closet until you tell them, too. You'll feel so much better afterwards, they assured me. So against my better judgment I outed myself.

    Everything seemed OK, until 3 weeks later at noon, when I answered a knock on the front door, where I lived alone. Outside was a complete SWAT team with a search warrant of my home! There were 5 in uniform & armed, and another 3 evidence specialists wearing rubber gloves, all men.

    The warrant allowed them to look for kiddie porn, and they spent 5 hours tearing my place apart while I watched. They seized & removed as evidence my computers, my printer, all my storage media, my Palm PDA, and some gay adult porn (that was embarrassing). They also knew I had a storage rental unit, and another team was over there searching it, too.

    I wasn't arrested, but they said I would be if anything illegal was found on my computers, which were being sent to the state crime lab for examination. They wouldn't tell me who had made the claim I had kiddie porn, but I had my suspicions.

    A week later the family member who had reported me to the county prosecutor admitted her action to me. The prosecutor in turn had gotten the search warrant from a judge, solely on the basis that I was a gay man, and that this relative claimed to have seen some gay porn in my home. It was considered sufficiently suspicious to merely be a gay man, as probable cause that I would have kiddie porn.

    I waited nervously for 4 months, wondering if the police would show up at any moment to arrest me. I had downloaded no kiddie porn, nor did I ever have it in any form, something I detest. But like many of us, when surfing gay adult sites I had sometimes been redirected to underage sites I didn't want to see, and didn't open.

    Nevertheless, I knew a record of having visited such sites might remain somewhere on my computer. Evidently it didn't, because finally all my things were returned to me, the forensics lab having found nothing criminal, and I was never charged with anything.

    That relative never apologized for what she did. Instead, she justified herself on the grounds of her religious beliefs, and the fact that she was an elementary school teacher, who wanted to "protect" children from me. Nor did my gay friends ever admit their advice might have been wrong, blaming my relative for the problem exclusively.

    I'm a supporter of gays being out, and it is the better way to live. But each case is different, and gays should evaluate their own situations before acting.

    I never flatly tell someone else to come out unconditionally. Rather, I set coming out as a desirable goal, but only the gay person can judge if that's right for his or her circumstances. I never criticize or second guess a decision not to come out, or to come out only partially.
  • vindog

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    Nov 10, 2008 2:39 PM GMT
    Well look at the bright side. You proved her wrong.


    If that happened to me, I would probably now at every family situation, bring up how this person called a SWAT team to your house, and what and idiot they are for thinking that gay=child pornography. I might even be tempted to bring scientific literature that shows more straight people are into it than gays, and that this everyone in the room should be on high alert that they could be next. I would probably be "laughing" about it, but would be extremely pissed.


    I may even call where they work, letting them know what happened.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 4:04 PM GMT
    Wow vespa, yeah I would have definitely stirred up a LOT of conflict within the family if something like that had happened, which I'd assume you did to a certain degree because that's an awful circumstance you got put in. But I do agree it's completely situational, although we can easily fall into the trap of believing nobody will accept it so we don't have to come out to anyone lol
  • auryn

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    Nov 10, 2008 5:52 PM GMT
    Sedative said
    40c50b25690bac420bbd7e30a933c89c.gif


    That's fucking awesome!

    LOL!
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    Nov 10, 2008 8:21 PM GMT
    Erikk saidWow vespa, yeah I would have definitely stirred up a LOT of conflict within the family if something like that had happened, which I'd assume you did to a certain degree because that's an awful circumstance you got put in. But I do agree it's completely situational, although we can easily fall into the trap of believing nobody will accept it so we don't have to come out to anyone lol


    Yes, situational was my point, not to spook anyone about coming out in general. I let myself be stampeded by my gay friends into making a bad decision, which was my own fault. Other gays often have nothing to fear, and come out to family & friends with great success.

    The trick is knowing who you are dealing with, because each situation is different. Just be cautious and evaluate carefully. I think coming out fully is ideal; the caveat is to make a rational decision based on the circumstances you face.
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    Nov 10, 2008 8:24 PM GMT
    congrats - i hope you enjoy your new skin icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 10, 2008 8:37 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa said
    Erikk saidWow vespa, yeah I would have definitely stirred up a LOT of conflict within the family if something like that had happened, which I'd assume you did to a certain degree because that's an awful circumstance you got put in. But I do agree it's completely situational, although we can easily fall into the trap of believing nobody will accept it so we don't have to come out to anyone lol


    Yes, situational was my point, not to spook anyone about coming out in general. I let myself be stampeded by my gay friends into making a bad decision, which was my own fault. Other gays often have nothing to fear, and come out to family & friends with great success.

    The trick is knowing who you are dealing with, because each situation is different. Just be cautious and evaluate carefully. I think coming out fully is ideal; the caveat is to make a rational decision based on the circumstances you face.



    Personally, I would have taken your relative to small claims court & sued her for the maximum damages allowed. Nothing hurts the Christian Right more than having to pay money for their mistakes.
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    Nov 10, 2008 10:04 PM GMT
    xanadude saidPersonally, I would have taken your relative to small claims court & sued her for the maximum damages allowed. Nothing hurts the Christian Right more than having to pay money for their mistakes.


    She could not be sued, I checked. She told a county prosecutor that I was a gay man who had gay porn, and that she was concerned that I MIGHT have kiddie porn.

    The first 2 were factual statements, and the 3rd possibility was considered likely enough by the prosecutor and a judge that a search warrant was issued. You can't sue a court under those circumstances, either, so I had no recourse but to accept the results.

    These are the injustices that gay men still suffer, of which our Republican friends here seem to be unaware, when they preach to us about the unimportance and irrelevance of pursing gay rights.
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    Nov 10, 2008 10:45 PM GMT
    Red_Vespa saidShe told a county prosecutor that I was a gay man who had gay porn, and that she was concerned that I MIGHT have kiddie porn.

    You can never underestimate the ignorance and hysteria of the religious right. That's why I've not come out to some family members yet. Some of them definitely fall into the religious nut category.
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    Nov 10, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    Actually you can sue her and the law enforcement community for their actions....look it up but this case has gone to court before.

    If you had a past record maybe, but I dont see how they managed to have such a response with no prior record, either there are details you're leaving out, you exaggerated the story, or you got bad legal advice, because buddy you can sue.