A closet of glass ..

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 10, 2008 7:48 PM GMT

    2 years ago .. when I decided I want to come out of the closet I felt it was my destiny and my identity .. I was proud and willing to fight all the abstecles on the way ..


    But now .. I'm just thinking : what's the point from completely leave the closet ?? Can't a gay person be successful , happy , active without revealing his sexual preference to everyone ??

    I mean .. it's mostly the sex itself , it's about the gender we want in bed .. it doesn't have to be our identitny or definition in places it's irrelevant ..


    Yes .. I'd want some of my friends to know .. and of course if I have a boyfriend I'll not try to hide it ... I'll be proud of it ..
    but meanwhile .. I don't think I need to run and tell all my friends / classmates / relatives .. myself is the human and not the sexual orientation..
    It's nice to make hot guys wonder about you sometimes .. icon_wink.gif
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    Nov 10, 2008 7:54 PM GMT
    ya know, being gay, its more then just the sex.. anyone can enjoy sex with a guy or a girl, hell, you can even have a preference for either sex for sex.

    But theres more to being gay, I want to date men, I want to spend my life with another man some day, I want to have the company of another guy, I feel more comfortable and right being around another guy then any women..

    Besides, I had a partner who was never fully out and there where things he did that hurt like hell while he tried to hide himself.
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    Nov 10, 2008 8:01 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidya know, being gay, its more then just the sex.. anyone can enjoy sex with a guy or a girl, hell, you can even have a preference for either sex for sex.

    But theres more to being gay, I want to date men, I want to spend my life with another man some day, I want to have the company of another guy, I feel more comfortable and right being around another guy then any women..

    Besides, I had a partner who was never fully out and there where things he did that hurt like hell while he tried to hide himself.



    I said mostly and not all of it is about sex ..

    and I mentioned than when I start to date I'll not try to hide it .. it's just that at this time .. I don't think it's necessary to come out .. even when you have a boyfriend ..
    if they saw you at some gay bar then let it be .. if they don't then don't tell ..

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    Nov 10, 2008 10:09 PM GMT
    You know, my BF of nearly three years is in the closet. I'm not. He told me yesterday that he was meeting one of his close girl friends in Sydney to watch the filming of Top Gear. He didn't ask me because he'd have to explain to her who I was. He's in the closet at work, which means he blanks me whenever he sees work mates. It was two years before I met one of his friends. (And then it was because a lesbian mate of mine asked him where his boyfriend was while he was out with his friends). All this bullshit and he's never had a negative experience from anyone - family, friends or colleagues - when they found out he was gay.

    Alternatively, I'm completely out of the closet. I've just returned from a lecturing position in Shanghai where one of my colleagues helped me choose presents for my BF. The office lady pointed out the hot students to check out. We could laugh in the staff-room at what a waste it was that all the girls in the lecture theatre went silent when I first appeared in the room, and then started talking about whether it was ok to take my picture. I even have students here in Tasmania wanting to introduce me to their gay brothers because they think I can do better than my closeted boyfriend! icon_biggrin.gif

    Work cannot be completely separated from a personal life. Nor should it be completely separated from a social life.

    Being gay and out of the closet really is so much more than the sex. It's about living honestly to yourself and to everyone around you. And it sure makes life less stressful!
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    Nov 10, 2008 10:17 PM GMT


    "I mean .. it's mostly the sex itself , it's about the gender we want in bed .. it doesn't have to be our identity or definition in places it's irrelevant .."

    GHoSTa, You are just the nicest person. The qualities that make you that way and lend you a heightened perception, emotional and otherwise, are intrinsic, we believe, to being gay; if any choose to seek these qualities in themselves.


    -us
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    Nov 10, 2008 11:21 PM GMT
    I can't say it any better than makeumyne did, I'll only affirm what he said. And I'll add this little bit. I find it hard to be evasive.

    When people start asking if I'm seeing anyone, what I look for in a woman, have you ever been married, etc. you have to make a decision whether you're going to be deceptive or if you're going to be honest.

    That's not you coming out for the purpose of letting everyone know your business. It's just a natural conversation. And at the same time, it lets people know that they often make incorrect assumptions about people and maybe they'll think about it a little more next time.

    But as was said above, living your life honestly is liberating. That doesn't mean you tell people you're gay at the moment you're introduced, but simply not being evasive about it when the subject of dating or whatever comes up.
  • Android17

    Posts: 346

    Nov 10, 2008 11:22 PM GMT
    lilTanker saidya know, being gay, its more then just the sex.. anyone can enjoy sex with a guy or a girl, hell, you can even have a preference for either sex for sex.

    But theres more to being gay, I want to date men, I want to spend my life with another man some day, I want to have the company of another guy, I feel more comfortable and right being around another guy then any women..

    Besides, I had a partner who was never fully out and there where things he did that hurt like hell while he tried to hide himself.


    That's the question that I always wanted to ask and the answer that I need, thanks both. In my opinion, getting out the closet its just stop hiding who you are to the world to feel free and don't hurt peoples feelings and yours. I hate guy's that use women to appear a "normal life" and I think that this is a powerful reason to do it.
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    Nov 10, 2008 11:29 PM GMT
    Tattooing your sexual orientation on your forehead is coming out to everyone! Being open is all about accepting who you are and not minding that someone might know. Anyones personal business is just that, personal. You chose to share your orientation with those you're comfortable with, for the rest, it's none of their business. Not sharing is not the same as hiding it. Sometimes the option to not share it allows for you to better assimilate into a group, sharing it tends to force others to categorize you (IE: he's the gay one), when it really shouldn't matter. They should be saying, you know, the tall one or the hot one or the funny guy with the weird laugh.

    I don't hide it and I don't share it unless I want to. It's my life and I'm proud of who I am and i'll choose who and when to tell others.
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    Nov 11, 2008 12:12 AM GMT
    The answer to this question is one that many straights will have a very hard time ever grasping, maybe even many closeted gays.
    Even if you never had sex or only had sex with women, you could still be gay. Reason? Loosely, as lilTanker said, There is more to being gay than where and how you "stick your dick." There is an entire frame of mind and a degree of honesty and personal integrity you owe to yourself as a healthy part of your identity. I think too much has been made of the final realization and the epiphany each person goes through to understand that they are gay. I think the entire "coming out" scenario, is now some sort of cultural phenomenon that every gay person is supposed to have gone through. This is a false assumption. Be yourself and be honest with yourself and with others. The choice to be out is a personal one. Some are more out than others, but that doesn't make one more or less gay then the other. Even an out there on the edge "flaming activist", wants some "down time" every now and then. You always have a choice as to who, when, where, how and why you out yourself. You don't need to wear a rainbow flag or some sort of sign that ID's you, so your "mystery" can always be intact when you are around some hot guys. It is always your choice, but once it is done, the "genie" is almost impossible to retract.......you sound like you have an issue and are "under pressure". Always be true to yourself. Good luck to you.
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    Nov 11, 2008 3:56 AM GMT
    Being an openly gay man isn't about bringing up the topic... it's about not censoring yourself when the topic is bound to come up... I don't come out to coworkers or professors for no reason. But if it comes up, I'm not going to skirt around the issue. btw, bad title for the thread... i assumed this was about closeted guys that were obviously gay. Its about letting them guess, and if they have the balls to ask, be open about it... break down a few stereotypes along the way...
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    Nov 15, 2008 8:00 PM GMT
    timidpup saidBeing an openly gay man isn't about bringing up the topic... it's about not censoring yourself when the topic is bound to come up... I don't come out to coworkers or professors for no reason. But if it comes up, I'm not going to skirt around the issue. btw, bad title for the thread... i assumed this was about closeted guys that were obviously gay. Its about letting them guess, and if they have the balls to ask, be open about it... break down a few stereotypes along the way...



    the majority define "coming -out" as going and tell friends , family , etc ..

    I think this title suits the subject though it has many dimensions , a glass closet means that you can live in the light without coming out of it's doors ..
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    Nov 15, 2008 8:07 PM GMT
    If I am asked I will not deny it, however how many straight people do you know that shake your hand and say " My name is..and I am straight...". I think it is important being out to your family and friends..I was pretty intimidated at first..but I got really weird reactions from...oh cool i know so many gay guys now..to ..so effing what ?. Sometimes people surprise you, and you probably did not pick them as friends because of their anti social skills to begin with icon_smile.gif
  • DiverScience

    Posts: 1426

    Nov 15, 2008 8:36 PM GMT
    I don't come out anymore.

    I just don't say "she" if I'm referring to date, etc.
  • HndsmKansan

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    Nov 15, 2008 8:49 PM GMT
    I tend to agree with your basic premise. I don't (and will probably never) feel the need to reveil my sexuality to anyone except when its convenient to me.
    It is one aspect of my identity. For some its an aspect that needs to be in "neon lights".. for me, its a part that is shared if and when I want it to be shared and I'm very comfortable (and successful) with that approach.
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    Nov 15, 2008 9:14 PM GMT
    Diver and HK make total sense as usual. I'm with both those men in my philosophy