Once a cheater, always a cheater?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    This is an oft repeated saying, and I'm just wondering how you all feel about it.

    Have you ever been cheated on and forgiven someone for it? How did that work out for you?

    Have you cheated on someone in the past, but believe that you would never do it again?

    If someone you're into has cheated in a past relationship, but insists that they've changed and will be faithful to you, would you ever be able to trust them or even give them a chance?
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    Jul 27, 2013 12:04 AM GMT
    Well, if it happens once, there's likely to be anxiety that it'll happen again. Even the best people make mistakes; the question is whether you trust him enough to give him a second chance.

    Never having been in a relationship, my feeling is that were this to happen to me, depending on how strongly I feel about him, I'd be willing to forgive. However, if it happened again, I'd break off the relationship. Why should I waste my time being with someone who feels the need to get satisfaction elsewhere?
  • Drift

    Posts: 217

    Jul 27, 2013 8:42 AM GMT
    People do, and need to, make mistakes. Many people only find their boundaries and guidelines by overstepping them, often.

    Trust is very important, and open communication. But I think love is more so, and forgiveness. I don't mean to say to endure an abusive relationship, but maybe question the source of the suffering.
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    Jul 27, 2013 1:26 PM GMT
    I believe you're going about it the wrong way. If you get back together you have to accept that he is capable of cheating and could do it again. It is about you accepting this and feeling he is worth the risk. It has nothing to do with what he may say to try to get back together with you. If you are able to accept this premise, then you discuss how to manage this issue. So many here see the world in terms of monogamous and open relationships and nothing in between. Few relationships are 100% monogamous and I find couples in these relationships would not go so far as to call their relationships open. I've always felt honesty and openness is more important than ultimatums that can't always be met. It is about managing expectations.
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    Jul 27, 2013 2:08 PM GMT
    Lord_Trollileo saidNot true. My sister cheated once during her first marriage. Having to watch her first husband's face when she confessed to him was worse than birthing a babby from her twat (which was formed from the aforementioned infidelity.)

    She said she would kill herself before committing adultery again.



    I think it is a mistake for gay men to mimic straight behavior.
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    Jul 27, 2013 2:32 PM GMT
    i was cheated on, and it destroyed me. its complicated, but it was his way of passive-aggressively ending our long-term relationship without having to summon up the courage to have an adult conversation. as a result, i am hyper sensitive to cheating, and this is unfair to new guys i date. so i've had to learn to relax a bit and not take every cruise or passing glance as a personal attack on me. i believe that its possible to not cheat again, to learn from mistakes, and to set boundaries, so i agree with what others say.

    if you're cheated on, you can take him back, but it will change how you see him. every unanswered phone call, unreplied txt message, hang out with other friends, late night at the office, new gym buddy, or facebook add can drive you crazy with suspicion. and you really don't want to be "that person" who is always looking over your partner's shoulder. so can you really let it go?

    if you're the cheater, then you will have to try double or triple hard to win your partner back. you will have to live with the fact that your partner will be 2nd guessing your every move. you may resent feeling like a criminal with no reprieve. it will be hard for you to make new friends without explaining every detail of the interaction. you will be cautious of triggering arguments. and you may never feel like an equal in your own relationship.

    sure, mistakes happen. we are human. the question is: can you live with the knowledge of what happened before, even if nothing were to happen in the future? i suggest we all remember that everyone has a past... other people, other loves, other hookups, other intimacies, and other baggage. and in the gay world, the potential for there to be MANY others is huge. it would take people with steely resolve, a lot of self-control, and zen-like patience for both.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    Alpha13 saidI think it is a mistake for gay men to mimic straight behavior.

    Well, unless they are having sex with the opposite gender then they aren't doing that, are they? Pare-bonding is a matter of love, not a matter of sexuality.
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    Jul 27, 2013 5:07 PM GMT
    Thanks for the thoughtful replies... also found this article on psychology today which suggests there are many different kinds of cheating, and answering whether it is likely to happen again is much easier once the underlying reasons are understood. It's talking more specifically about infidelity in straight marriages, but a lot of it is still relevant.

    http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/surprised-love/201201/once-cheater-always-cheater-maybe-not
  • secondstartot...

    Posts: 1314

    Jul 27, 2013 5:33 PM GMT
    yeah I think everyone deserves a second chance.....with somebody else
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    Jul 27, 2013 5:38 PM GMT
    i give people one chance, i dnt have time to waste. If u cheat on me ur ass is out!!!!! Finish and klaar
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    Jul 27, 2013 9:31 PM GMT
    I don't necessarily think this statement is 100% true. When someone cheats on you, most of the time the cheater will see how it hurt the other person. The guilt can be devastating and then sh/e will realize that it can cause a lot of damage. Therefore, the most important thing is to admit what you've done and devote yourself to changing. This is my take on this saying.
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    Jul 27, 2013 9:42 PM GMT
    I completely disagree with this statement because of previous experiences.

    Yes, that relationship is fucked. But future relationships for the cheater? Yeah, they're not always going to be unfaithful. A lot of it is just circumstance (although I know some guys are just major sleazes...). icon_rolleyes.gif

    I've personally cheated before. I'm normally extremely monogamous and faithful. While a ton of factors were involved, long story short, I had been trying to break up with my boyfriend at the time for 2 months and he wouldn't even let me have a chance to do it (and I'm pretty sure he knew it was coming). I didn't want to wait anymore to move on with my life.

    Basically, the relationship with the cheating is usually doomed, but that doesn't mean the cheater will cheat in every relationship, or any from then onwards. It's probably not worth a second chance if he cheated on you (or you cheated on him) in the past.
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    Jul 27, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    mzkyte saidThis is an oft repeated saying, and I'm just wondering how you all feel about it.

    Have you ever been cheated on and forgiven someone for it? How did that work out for you?

    Have you cheated on someone in the past, but believe that you would never do it again?

    If someone you're into has cheated in a past relationship, but insists that they've changed and will be faithful to you, would you ever be able to trust them or even give them a chance?


    I have always cheated but with the permission of my boyfriend lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2013 9:34 AM GMT
    Hypothetically speaking, I would forgive but probably not forget.
    I wouldn't bring it up or argue about it whenever I saw them but I wouldn't ever trust them again.
    I'd just wish them happiness and wiser decision making the next time around with someone else.
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    Aug 03, 2013 6:11 PM GMT
    AtlantaSouthGuy saidI don't necessarily think this statement is 100% true. When someone cheats on you, most of the time the cheater will see how it hurt the other person. The guilt can be devastating and then sh/e will realize that it can cause a lot of damage. Therefore, the most important thing is to admit what you've done and devote yourself to changing. This is my take on this saying.


    This
  • BloodFlame

    Posts: 1768

    Aug 03, 2013 6:21 PM GMT
    It really would depend on the guy and how well I really liked and trusted him. I've never been in a relationship before so I don't really know how I'd handle it but I'd like to think that if I really cared about the guy and he genuinely meant what he said, I'd give him one more chance. But if he cheats again, then I'd break up with him no questions asked.

    I know I could very well be making a mistake in forgiving him the first time but I truly think people can change, it just depends on whether he wants to or not so if I did forgive the guy and he cheat again, then obviously, he doesn't want to change and you can't beat a dead horse. So yeah, I just feel everyone deserves at least a chance unless he treats you horrible.
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Aug 03, 2013 6:41 PM GMT
    One chance after you cheat.
    If I feel any way concerned or paranoid you will submit to the boundaries newly put in place. STD testing, etc..

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    Aug 04, 2013 4:51 PM GMT
    It isnt necessarily true, some people were just unhappy in one and not in the other...that being said some people just have a propensity to cheat...ive seen both cases
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2013 8:12 PM GMT
    I think a lesson can be learned if adequate consequence has been set in action to a cheater. I was a cheater in my younger days. And then one day, I met a guy fell for him, loved him madly and he cheated on me. Broke my fucking heart....I felt worthless and less than anything desirable.

    So now, i don't cheat. I speak up. If im not fulfilled, I say so. If I am not consumed with exclusive desire for one person, I wont commit.

    But thats me. LIke gambling. Some stop after they've wagered all their earthly possessions, some simply need to lose once.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 04, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    This conversation is too simplistic. I agree with an earlier post which said that there are different kinds of cheating. Each situation should be judged on its own merits. I would be much more upset with my spouse falling in love emotionally with someone he had never had sex with than I would by a moment of uncontrolled physical lust.

    Sexuality evolves all the time. We think of sexuality as het bi and gay, but its much more than that. Individuals can and do become more instinctively monogamous over time, and of course some move in the opposite direction.