Not invited to the bachelor party...

  • Twenty_Someth...

    Posts: 1388

    Jul 27, 2013 7:05 AM GMT
    One of my good buddies from college is getting married soon and I just found out I wasn't invited to his bachelor party. We had a pretty close group of about 7 guys in college and we always talked about how we couldn't wait to throw each other bachelor parties some day. I saw some pictures and there were like 20 guys in Vegas partying for a week straight. Some were just acquaintances... The only thing that changed since college was me coming out to my group of guy friends. One-on-one they are all awesome to hang out with, but in this particular setting I was obviously excluded. Would you be offended if you were not invited. I still got an invitation to the wedding, but am feeling kind of short-changed in the friends department. Anyone have a similar experience? The wedding is an all weekend trip to wine country in Northern California and I'm not sure I want to invest the time or money to go anymore...icon_confused.gif
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Jul 27, 2013 7:27 AM GMT
    I had a buddy once that didn't invite me, so I asked him why. He said they were going to a female strip club and didn't think I would be interested. I said, sure, why not and went. I should have taken the pass, it was pretty boring.
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    Jul 27, 2013 7:37 AM GMT
    No, I wouldn't be offended because I'm gay, especially with a week long bachelor party in Vegas which is consumed with straight activities such as strip clubs and going to casino bars with female pole dancers. One night is fine but an entire week? The hell with that!

    I wouldn't take it so hard because you DID get invited to the wedding. Your buddy was probably looking out for you and thought you wouldn't have fun watching a bunch of straight drunk boys getting lap dances from women.
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    Jul 27, 2013 9:17 AM GMT
    I agree with what has been posted above but I also think that a good friend would have reached out to you. It's a lil fucked up to find out second hand, it's just inconsiderate. However, dont make decisions in haste, ppl fuck up all the time in the friends department. If you value the friendship at an appropriate time say something and you'll both grow frm the experience. (I hope)
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    Jul 27, 2013 9:35 AM GMT
    Put the shoe on the other foot. You've found Mr Right, he feels the same way, and down the line you two decide to make it official. It seems you're part of a group that has plenty of money to throw around. So let's say you decide to have a days-long bachelor party in NYC centered around clubbing through Greenwich Village and Chelsea. Will het guys be invited? Or will you summarily exclude them without explanation?

    I worked with an out bi guy who an older, divorced female co-worker decided to play fag hag to. (He was the type who "discovered" his gay side and then went on to identify as such. His ex-wife and kids would beg to differ.) They did about what you'd expect - go to straight as well as gay clubs to giggle at the good-looking men, stuff like that. When it came time for her daughter to marry she made it known in his absence that he wouldn't be on the guest list. "You know how 'they' are. He'd probably try and hit on all the men there and ruin everything."

    I smell "fair weather friend" here too. You should've been given the chance to say yes or no.
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    Jul 27, 2013 12:57 PM GMT
    Why would you want to go to a night/weekend/week of listening to straight men talk about T&A and/or strip clubs?

    I would thank him.
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    Jul 27, 2013 1:10 PM GMT
    Pick up the phone.. Call him and tell him what you are telling us.
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    Jul 27, 2013 1:23 PM GMT
    leo23 said
    Anocxu saidPick up the phone.. Call him and tell him what you are telling us.


    Not good idea! the marriage is yet to be seen. and think about the single guys gonna come there too. icon_wink.gif


    The OP is harboring resentment..
    These are his friends.. Why not just sort it out.. make up.and go to the wedding?

    The wedding is an all weekend trip to wine country in Northern California and I'm not sure I want to invest the time or money to go anymore.

    He is resentful.. then boycotting the wedding will make his friends resentful.. How about a straight forward approach?
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    Jul 27, 2013 2:48 PM GMT
    bpguru saidOne of my good buddies from college is getting married soon and I just found out I wasn't invited to his bachelor party. We had a pretty close group of about 7 guys in college and we always talked about how we couldn't wait to throw each other bachelor parties some day. I saw some pictures and there were like 20 guys in Vegas partying for a week straight. Some were just acquaintances... The only thing that changed since college was me coming out to my group of guy friends. One-on-one they are all awesome to hang out with, but in this particular setting I was obviously excluded. Would you be offended if you were not invited. I still got an invitation to the wedding, but am feeling kind of short-changed in the friends department. Anyone have a similar experience? The wedding is an all weekend trip to wine country in Northern California and I'm not sure I want to invest the time or money to go anymore...icon_confused.gif


    I just went through this same scenario last year. I was not invited to the party or the wedding. I had been great friends with my buddy for 15 years. He and I had a bromance going on. I was deeply hurt and sad by not being invited to such an important event in his life.
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    Jul 27, 2013 2:57 PM GMT
    Anocxu saidPick up the phone.. Call him and tell him what you are telling us.


    Yep.

    Although, I'd probably be fine with it. Ever seen or read about bach parties? Lots of drunks and vomit. Best man passing out up at the altar on the wedding day should give you a hint. icon_lol.gif

    You know, your friend may (no choice) have found out there are a couple of homophobic friends or family of the Groom attending and is trying to protect you from that. Drunk homo hater would not a fun time make. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    bpguru saidOne of my good buddies from college is getting married soon and I just found out I wasn't invited to his bachelor party. We had a pretty close group of about 7 guys in college and we always talked about how we couldn't wait to throw each other bachelor parties some day. I saw some pictures and there were like 20 guys in Vegas partying for a week straight. Some were just acquaintances... The only thing that changed since college was me coming out to my group of guy friends. One-on-one they are all awesome to hang out with, but in this particular setting I was obviously excluded. Would you be offended if you were not invited. I still got an invitation to the wedding, but am feeling kind of short-changed in the friends department. Anyone have a similar experience? The wedding is an all weekend trip to wine country in Northern California and I'm not sure I want to invest the time or money to go anymore...icon_confused.gif


    There's nothing you can do about it. Either you can be pissed, or not. Probably should let it go if the guy is your friend. I understand that you might feel betrayed, but, it's not worth the negative energy. You probably did not get an invite for one reason or another. That's just how it goes.

    We say friendships aren't conditional, love, etc., but, in all reality, they aren't.

    You can talk to him about it, if you want the "why" part of it, or, just let it go. Being cranky about it won't achieve anything good.

    That sense if betrayal is a hard emotion to cope with, but, it'll happen a number of times as you go along. You really can't do anything about it. You only control you.

    Sometimes, the other person in a relationship has a whole different take on it. This may be one of those times, or maybe he was concerned you'd embarrass him, or that you might be offended by some of the other guys. Hard telling.

    If your "friend" is as close as you say, he probably really should have picked up the phone and called you about it, but, he may not feel the same about you as him, or be scared of communications, or just be plain young and dumb.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    Jul 27, 2013 3:01 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI would take a pass on the wedding. No explanations, just a card, maybe a gift, and say "Wishing you the best on this occasion." Stay classy. But he's obviously told you how he regards the friendship, which is at best second-tier.

    Find better friends.



    ^^^ This ^^^
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    Hillie saidI agree with what has been posted above but I also think that a good friend would have reached out to you. It's a lil fucked up to find out second hand, it's just inconsiderate. However, dont make decisions in haste, ppl fuck up all the time in the friends department. If you value the friendship at an appropriate time say something and you'll both grow frm the experience. (I hope)

    ^^^^This. At least the first part (emphasis added).
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:10 PM GMT
    A good friend would have called you up and invited you. He would let you know that he would understand if you didn't want to go but would really want you at his wedding. This would have been the classy way to go.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:34 PM GMT
    We know the whole Napa Valley pretty well - from end to end, and I don't know of any strip clubs at all. At most, there really isn't much of a night life at all, save for some parties in restaurants. The valley is much more of a daytime place. So - I'm not sure what they're planning, other than hiring a stripper from the City (S.F.) to come up and entertain the boys in a hotel suite?

    Either way - - I like all the advice above me here. But I'd be tempted to do one more thing. I'd call the groom and have a quick, sort of off handed chat, making very little of it, but saying something like, "Are there any plans started yet for a bachelor's party?" And then I'd listen to his answer. If he says a stripper is coming up and he knew you'd hate it - - that's one thing. I'd decide if I was going to the wedding based on his answer.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI would take a pass on the wedding. No explanations, just a card, maybe a gift, and say "Wishing you the best on this occasion." Stay classy. But he's obviously told you how he regards the friendship, which is at best second-tier.

    Find better friends.


    Not buying all of this.. My dearly beloved Aristo.. icon_redface.gif

    Friends will always get caught up and side tracked.
    ..If we begin this cycle of dismissive behavior.. It's just the foundation of a mountain of unanswered questions and resentment.

    The Phone :.. From his explanations you'd gather how he really feels about you anyway.. Hello!!

    ..Look at all the threads on this site.. "No friends".. "Lonley"..

    Pick up the phone..call..get your answers..make a decision.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    Once your straight friend gets married, you can pretty much expect not to hear from him again.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:46 PM GMT
    You should have been given the chance to accept or decline.

    Depending upon how much you value the friendship, you should either go to the wedding (and have a bit of a talk with you friend, and maybe all of your friends), or write them all off and move on with your life.
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    Jul 27, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    turbobilly saidOnce your straight friend gets married, you can pretty much expect not to hear from him again.

    And that is the truth.
    I had a straight friend who had me help fix up his new home before he got married. After that, he refused to have me over - or any other single friends, I heard.
    He emailed me (and fifty other people) pictures of his first born but I was not allowed to stop by and see her.
    Back to bp, it was wrong not to invite you to the bachelor party. What was the worst case scenario?
  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    Jul 27, 2013 4:04 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI would take a pass on the wedding. No explanations, just a card, maybe a gift, and say "Wishing you the best on this occasion." Stay classy. But he's obviously told you how he regards the friendship, which is at best second-tier.

    Find better friends.


    I have to agree with Aristoshark.
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    Jul 27, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    A bit off topic, and this isn't the case for the O.P. today at all, but I for one am not happy about being invited to weddings of people I've never even met. Co-workers and other unenlightened people invite a whole lot of people to their kids' weddings sometimes, and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, but to me this can be little above a direct solicitation for a gift. I send my regrets in these cases, with good wishes - - but sometimes I don't even send a gift, unless I know the parents well and have to work with them. Even then, I resent it - - more than a little.

    There have been too many times when I've given in and sent a wedding gift to these types of people - - - and after spending time shopping, having something wrapped, and laying out decent money - - - never receiving a thank you. That sucks so much.
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    Jul 27, 2013 4:12 PM GMT
    Even if he thought you'd likely be uncomfortable and would have no interest in going, he should've asked. I say go with what the others are saying and skip the wedding.
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    Jul 27, 2013 4:20 PM GMT
    Personally, I would be offended if I wasn't at least invited.

    They probably thought you wouldn't like it. That or they just didn't want you there because they thought it would have been weird.

    I honestly can't tell you the exact reason. And I doubt they would either. Friends are hard to deal with sometimes.

    If you have any hesitations about going, then either talk to your friend, or just don't go. But there is no point wasting your time on a friend that doesn't respect you.

    Sorry if I sound a bit bitter. icon_sad.gif
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    Jul 27, 2013 4:36 PM GMT
    You're better off asking your friend for the reason why. My guess is that he probably assumed you wouldn't have fun with the trip and you should honestly ask yourself if you would've.

    if not, then is it really necessary to be dramatic if you're gonna say no anyways? lol

    To me, him wanting you at his wedding speaks more about your friendship than anything else.

  • CityofDreams

    Posts: 1173

    Jul 27, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    Why are you all writing that his friends probably 'assumed' he wouldn't enjoy himself? I think that it's safe to say that these guys were not inside of a strip joint for the entire week, right?!?! They didn't invite him because they didn't want him there.