Brooding about being gay

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    Jul 28, 2013 11:02 AM GMT
    Hey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:06 AM GMT
    jbobby saidHey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?


    +1

    Gay men seem to have severe intimacy issues, the cause of and cure of I doubt I'll ever know, all I know is that there is at least two of them that seem to be immune to it. icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:14 AM GMT
    jbobby saidHey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?

    Welcome to RJ!

    Everyone's at a different stage in their journey. Have some patience for those who are at a different spot than you are. It's hard, I know, but you can do it. We're all here to talk too. I'm sure because you're a good looking guy you'll get plenty of responses to whatever you post icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:16 AM GMT
    Maybe you came off as needy and a psycho. It's not normal to beg someone not to leave you alone unless you're a chick in a slasher flick. You're gonna meet all types of gents and most likely be discouraged by a handful, get over it before you're brooding becomes resentful.

    Ps sometimes my manners get side tracked. Welcome to RJ
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:30 AM GMT
    juvenescences said
    jbobby saidHey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?

    Welcome to RJ!

    Everyone's at a different stage in their journey. Have some patience for those who are at a different spot than you are. It's hard, I know, but you can do it. We're all here to talk too. I'm sure because you're a good looking guy you'll get plenty of responses to whatever you post icon_wink.gif
    Yeah
    Yeah he said something similar when I demanded answers from him. Fucking asshole if I wasn't so lonely I would never have done anything nasty with him, I'm pathetic. I was so nervous I couldn't even stay hard for him so he left and thought he did something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone like me. He's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense
  • jo2hotbod

    Posts: 3603

    Jul 28, 2013 11:44 AM GMT
    Probably a little overbearing with the begging and not performing with the fooling around didn't help matters either. Try to set up some times alone, one on one to establish a relationship with him so you can get to know one another.
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:46 AM GMT
    Hillie saidMaybe you came off as needy and a psycho. It's not normal to beg someone not to leave you alone unless you're a chick in a slasher flick. You're gonna meet all types of gents and most likely be discouraged by a handful, get over it before you're brooding becomes resentful.

    Ps sometimes my manners get side tracked. Welcome to RJ

    Maybe I exaggerated how I actually sounded when I talked to him, but he was in an emotionally difficult situation too. Trust me when I was at my best with him, mostly gave him the message that he won't have anyone else to talk to. There was just nothing I could say, only physically do to please him. I appreciate your insight though man, but trust me I'm not a crazy chick lol
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    Jul 28, 2013 11:54 AM GMT
    jbobby said
    juvenescences said
    jbobby saidHey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?

    Welcome to RJ!

    Everyone's at a different stage in their journey. Have some patience for those who are at a different spot than you are. It's hard, I know, but you can do it. We're all here to talk too. I'm sure because you're a good looking guy you'll get plenty of responses to whatever you post icon_wink.gif
    Yeah
    Yeah he said something similar when I demanded answers from him. Fucking asshole if I wasn't so lonely I would never have done anything nasty with him, I'm pathetic. I was so nervous I couldn't even stay hard for him so he left and thought he did something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone like me. He's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense

    We've all been there man. At some point we all eventually realize that sex and our physical attractiveness are not sufficient for forming healthy and functional friendships. Maybe he's just not there yet.

    I'm sure I'm not the only one who will say that I'm here to talk when you need. I'm headed for bed now (up way too late tonight!) but keep your head up. Your desire for deeper non-sexual intimacy and friendship with other men is not unusual. It's something we all desire, and it's not easy to get. Stay awesome =)
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Jul 28, 2013 12:58 PM GMT
    I thought I was the only one who feels like that. You're still just 21, it will happen for you. Just put yoursef in the right places and keep your mind upbeat about it.
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    Jul 28, 2013 1:34 PM GMT
    I agree you're a good looking guy and give it some time. Sometimes it is lonely and that's life. Hang in there.

    Welcome to RJ! You will find a lot of help here.
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 28, 2013 3:09 PM GMT
    I remember feeling exactly the same when I was 19 to 20 years old, 1966 - '67. I felt very insecure, unsure of myself and confused, especially around my sexuality. Not that I didn't know what I was attracted to, that I'd known for a long time, but, like you say, it just seemed most guys only wanted to get off and be gone. For me that was worse than not getting off at all! Yeah, it could be hot and all while it lasted but then when it was over it felt like something big was missing.

    It took a while to begin to understand that I'm not the kind of gay man who can easily separate sex and emotions. Apparently a lot of men (gay or straight) not only can do this, they actually prefer it. Whether it is to avoid intimacy because they fear getting hurt or what ever, they just want to keep it simple. Slam, bam, thank you man. I'm just not wired that way although my dick wishes I were. It'd be a lot more 'fun'.

    Pay attention to yourself and find out what works best for you. If you want gay friends to talk to, you'll probably be able to make some here on RJ (welcome, btw). However, I suggest you try and find some in the RW as well. LA must have a lot of gay social organizations of various sorts. Try checking some of them out--or organize an SOCAL RJ meet-up or something.

    It takes time to be really ready for a relationship and yes, there are a lot of other guys just like you who secretly long for one. Just don't despair. These are your 'learning about adult life years'. Enjoy them while you can!




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    Jul 28, 2013 3:11 PM GMT
    He was no virgin..
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    Jul 28, 2013 3:17 PM GMT
    Atleast now u know some of us still wonder!!!!! hang in there u will be fine, but stay away from sex for now, it will complicate things worse.
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    Jul 28, 2013 5:25 PM GMT
    juvenescences said
    jbobby said
    juvenescences said
    jbobby saidHey new here on this website, how does everyone handle being alone and gay? I'm sorry if I'm acting like a brooding victim but I can't stand it. One guy who was closeted at a party tonight just wanted a quick hookup, he was a complete virgin too. Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?

    Welcome to RJ!

    Everyone's at a different stage in their journey. Have some patience for those who are at a different spot than you are. It's hard, I know, but you can do it. We're all here to talk too. I'm sure because you're a good looking guy you'll get plenty of responses to whatever you post icon_wink.gif
    Yeah
    Yeah he said something similar when I demanded answers from him. Fucking asshole if I wasn't so lonely I would never have done anything nasty with him, I'm pathetic. I was so nervous I couldn't even stay hard for him so he left and thought he did something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone like me. He's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense

    We've all been there man. At some point we all eventually realize that sex and our physical attractiveness are not sufficient for forming healthy and functional friendships. Maybe he's just not there yet.

    I'm sure I'm not the only one who will say that I'm here to talk when you need. I'm headed for bed now (up way too late tonight!) but keep your head up. Your desire for deeper non-sexual intimacy and friendship with other men is not unusual. It's something we all desire, and it's not easy to get. Stay awesome =)
    Thanks man
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    Jul 28, 2013 5:44 PM GMT
    MikeW saidI remember feeling exactly the same when I was 19 to 20 years old, 1966 - '67. I felt very insecure, unsure of myself and confused, especially around my sexuality. Not that I didn't know what I was attracted to, that I'd known for a long time, but, like you say, it just seemed most guys only wanted to get off and be gone. For me that was worse than not getting off at all! Yeah, it could be hot and all while it lasted but then when it was over it felt like something big was missing.

    It took a while to begin to understand that I'm not the kind of gay man who can easily separate sex and emotions. Apparently a lot of men (gay or straight) not only can do this, they actually prefer it. Whether it is to avoid intimacy because they fear getting hurt or what ever, they just want to keep it simple. Slam, bam, thank you man. I'm just not wired that way although my dick wishes I were. It'd be a lot more 'fun'.

    Pay attention to yourself and find out what works best for you. If you want gay friends to talk to, you'll probably be able to make some here on RJ (welcome, btw). However, I suggest you try and find some in the RW as well. LA must have a lot of gay social organizations of various sorts. Try checking some of them out--or organize an SOCAL RJ meet-up or something.

    It takes time to be really ready for a relationship and yes, there are a lot of other guys just like you who secretly long for one. Just don't despair. These are your 'learning about adult life years'. Enjoy them while you can!




    Yeah you've got it spot on. I've had other experiences like this, especially with bi guys. I just don't get that mindset, I never did anything with a guy until I was out last yr, I wouldn't have been able to look at myself in the mirror if there was something so shameful about sleeping with a dude that I had to stay closeted, so the DL NSA culture is pretty alien to me
  • mitshoo

    Posts: 76

    Jul 28, 2013 6:16 PM GMT
    jbobby saidHe's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense


    Because some guys cannot get past the social stigma of gay = unmanly. That is why guys stay in the closet. If gay equaled manly in our society, there would be no such thing as the closet. Some guys it takes years to get over this and be confident in themselves.

    jbobby said... Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?


    Although, in the case of your story here, for this guy his sexuality might JUST be about sex, and he might not want gay friends or identify with other gays. He might just be the sort who keeps ALL people at a distance, and doesn't want to actually have real friendships/relationships. I'd try not to get too upset about one jerk you met at a party. Although, I do understand if meeting gay people where you live is a rare occurrence and you feel like you missed an opportunity that you won't get until next year. I don't know if that is the case, but I would say chin up, there are plenty of us all over the place, and plenty who don't feel the need to hide. You'll find some good gay friends who understand what you are going through eventually. Plus, there is RJ. Welcome!
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    Jul 28, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    mitshoo said
    jbobby saidHe's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense


    Because some guys cannot get past the social stigma of gay = unmanly. That is why guys stay in the closet. If gay equaled manly in our society, there would be no such thing as the closet. Some guys it takes years to get over this and be confident in themselves.

    jbobby said... Why would u not want to talk to another gay guy in a similar situation, I begged him, even if he didn't want to mess around to not leave me alone! Why would he not take the opportunity to stick with a normal dude who could relate to him?


    Although, in the case of your story here, for this guy his sexuality might JUST be about sex, and he might not want gay friends or identify with other gays. He might just be the sort who keeps ALL people at a distance, and doesn't want to actually have real friendships/relationships. I'd try not to get too upset about one jerk you met at a party. Although, I do understand if meeting gay people where you live is a rare occurrence and you feel like you missed an opportunity that you won't get until next year. I don't know if that is the case, but I would say chin up, there are plenty of us all over the place, and plenty who don't feel the need to hide. You'll find some good gay friends who understand what you are going through eventually. Plus, there is RJ. Welcome!

    Yeah trust me it's a really rare occurrence, so I'm pretty bitter. It's hard to safely find out if someone's gay
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    Jul 28, 2013 6:37 PM GMT
    Maybe you weren't his type..... ???
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    Jul 28, 2013 6:45 PM GMT
    bangingwithmrcooper saidwell, i basically jerk off and make it a priority to not date anybody. not even hookups. i have a legit excuses to why i'm not dating anybody which is simply because i'm not out, i have no job, i still live with my parents, i'm not comfortable with being gay, and etc. while living under that shit, i manage to secure my alone time like right now.


    Ewww dude. Why are you Always talking about jacking off? Please stop for Everyone around you.. its too much icon_confused.gif
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    Jul 28, 2013 6:52 PM GMT
    bangingwithmrcooper said
    TheRece25 said
    bangingwithmrcooper saidwell, i basically jerk off and make it a priority to not date anybody. not even hookups. i have a legit excuses to why i'm not dating anybody which is simply because i'm not out, i have no job, i still live with my parents, i'm not comfortable with being gay, and etc. while living under that shit, i manage to secure my alone time like right now.


    Ewww dude. Why are you Always talking about jacking off? Please stop for Everyone around you.. its too much icon_confused.gif


    well, i certainly don't bitch whenever i see posters talking about their love and sex lives, talking about who they sucked off, what they did and whatever the fuck else. i keep it moving. so i'm NOT going to cater and curb my words for anybody in here when it pertains to jerking off. just exercising my freedom of speech. if you don't like it, tough shit.


    ... I love how you tried your hardest to defend your disgusting habit of talking about you jerking off as if someone really wants to hear about it.

    I was going do a thorough comeback but no...

    I will just let everyone read what foolishness you typed above as an explanation and let them laugh at that..

    Good Day! icon_lol.gif

    P.S. I recommend getting some help for your obsession... it really can be an addiction.. look into that.. or not
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    Jul 28, 2013 7:09 PM GMT
    I haven't been in this situation exactly, but I can sympathize. The idea of casual sex makes me really uncomfortable. Whether that's due to upbringing or how I'm wired I don't know. And I still find myself brooding over this guy I was into (well, I guess I'm still into him in a way) who turned out to be in an open relationship. While I'd love a relationship, at this point I'd be more than happy just to have some gay friends that I can relate to and share my values.
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    Jul 28, 2013 8:07 PM GMT
    AstroGeek saidI haven't been in this situation exactly, but I can sympathize. The idea of casual sex makes me really uncomfortable. Whether that's due to upbringing or how I'm wired I don't know. And I still find myself brooding over this guy I was into (well, I guess I still am in a way) who turned out to be in an open relationship. While I'd love a relationship, at this point I'd be more than happy just to have some gay friends that I can relate to and share my values.


    Well said. Not all gay dudes are satyrs.
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    Jul 28, 2013 8:13 PM GMT
    jbobby said
    Yeah he said something similar when I demanded answers from him. Fucking asshole if I wasn't so lonely I would never have done anything nasty with him, I'm pathetic. I was so nervous I couldn't even stay hard for him so he left and thought he did something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone like me. He's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense


    He doesn't owe you anything. If he doesn't want to talk then he doesn't have to. The only asshole here is the guy who is trying to force a stranger to fulfill some emotional need in his life. If he left that was his right, and his decision to not deal with your neediness was warranted. Just move on and find one of the other millions of guys who would want to talk to you.
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    Jul 28, 2013 8:18 PM GMT
    Welcome to GAY.
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    Jul 28, 2013 8:41 PM GMT
    jbobby said
    Yeah he said something similar when I demanded answers from him. Fucking asshole if I wasn't so lonely I would never have done anything nasty with him, I'm pathetic. I was so nervous I couldn't even stay hard for him so he left and thought he did something wrong. All I wanted was to talk to someone like me. He's really handsome too and has no reason to be in the closet, it makes no sense


    Damn, I would've found you so cute too... getting all nervous like that.

    Everyone has their own pace, and you just need to find yours. You're lonely because you want somebody, but getting a boyfriend won't make you any less lonely unless it's the right person. Next time, make the other guy work for your affection, or if you find someone you think is worth a damn try to work for his. If no one puts in any effort the relationship won't mean a damn come the morning.

    How do I deal with loneliness... well, friends and family help a ton, but a lover deals with an entirely different kind of loneliness. Frankly, I guess I don't deal with loneliness. I have hobbies, I have work, I can look at porn and just get it out of me for the day and not worry about it. Keep busy, keep distracted, stay involved and put yourself out there in the world. That's how you meet people.