Things didn't work out because I'm intimidating?

  • JimJim

    Posts: 58

    Jul 28, 2013 9:50 PM GMT
    Has this ever happened to anyone? I was hanging out with/seeing this guy who I really liked and who I thought really liked me. A mutual friend had told me that I was this guy's exact type and dream guy.

    Unfortunately as time went on (less than a month) he gradually started to pull away and I couldn't understand why. Our mutual friend wound up telling me that he had been talking to the guy I was seeing and apparently he was feeling very "beneath" me. There were a lot of factors contributing to this, for example he didn't go to college and works a very low paying job while I graduated from one of the top universities in the country and have a promising career opportunity. Additionally he was self conscience about his height compared to me (despite only being an inch shorter than me) and his penis size (despite the fact that he has a nice dick) amongst other things.

    I was completely shocked, since I don't at all consider myself to be an intimidating person (especially since I have a lot of self esteem issues of my own). And now I'm just feeling hurt and confused by how everything played out. I thought we had a really good connection and I don't think I did anything to give him the impression that I thought less of him for any reason because I don't think I'm better than him...in fact there's a lot of traits he has that I admire that I don't possess myself.

    And what's bothered me the most about this is that I don't think there's anything I can do to mend the situation. I would be more alright with our relationship ending if it was because I was too fat or nerdy or if our personalities just didn't match up. But I was the exact kind of guy he was looking for and yet it still didn't work out for a reason I still can't fully wrap my head around.

    Sorry for the rambling post, but I just needed to vent icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 28, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    Funny how men act when the get what the wish for.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 28, 2013 10:30 PM GMT
    Yeah, a couple times, I just became more humble.

    But do I detect an element of trolling here?
  • JimJim

    Posts: 58

    Jul 28, 2013 11:06 PM GMT
    I'm not trolling. This actually just happened to me very recently. What is it about my post that makes you think it is fake?
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    Jul 29, 2013 2:51 AM GMT
    Well, I had an experience a couple of months back where I had a crush on this guy but I did feel kind of inferior around him. Most of my life revolves around academics and things related to it, a field in which I am used to being near the top. However, I met this guy through an extracurricular group which focused on something that was his forte and which I had zero previous experience with. Admiration of his experience may have contributed to the crush, but also made me feel really uncomfortable. I'm not used to being the inexperienced one... I know this makes me sound vane and I don't like how I'm this way. Unfortunately my self-esteem is actually quite fragile and the way I cope is by trying to be among the best at whatever I'm doing. Twisted, I know. In any case, this guy I had (well, still have to some extent) the crush on is in a relationship, so nothing will come if it anyway. I'd be curious to know whether my feelings of inferiority would have proven problematic had he been single and interested in me.
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    Jul 29, 2013 3:10 AM GMT
    But I was the exact kind of guy he was looking for and yet it still didn't work out for a reason I still can't fully wrap my head around.

    If that was the case..he would be with you.. icon_confused.gif

    You saw him pulling away and you did nothing? icon_confused.gif
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    Jul 29, 2013 4:15 AM GMT
    I can definitely speak to this experience from the perspective of someone who found himself in a relationship with a guy who I considered to be far above my “league”.

    When I first met him, I was flabbergasted that he liked me. Here I was 6ft, not particularly photogenic, struggling in college and had barely seen the inside of a gym in all my life and then, all of the sudden, I have this 6’7, bodybuilding, former model who as in graduate school asking me out on a date. I was floored. As we began dating, the insecurities began creeping in: “what if he leaves me for someone even hotter”, “guys tell him all the time he ‘could do better’”, “I don’t deserve to be with a guy like this”. He had done nothing wrong, and he had been nothing but wonderful to me (as I suspect you were to this fella) but my own demons had begun to get the better of me to the point where I actually considered ending the relationship – and this is the crux of it – so I wouldn’t get hurt by something I perceived to be inevitable. (him ‘trading up’)

    Insecurity is a vicious thing and only because of his constant reassurance year after year did I finally start to believe that I was worthy of him in my life. If you ever find yourself with a guy like this fella again, encourage him, and keep reminding him that he’s exactly what you want. And be patient. Sometimes people’s insecurities get the best of them.
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    Jul 29, 2013 4:57 AM GMT
    I posted earlier about a guy being upset that I was too straight for him. Same premise. Insecurity is mighty powerful.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11830

    Jul 29, 2013 4:59 AM GMT
    Don't believe the excuse bullshit..He wanted other things and is using this to make himself feel better...You deserve better..Move on.
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    Jul 29, 2013 5:19 AM GMT
    Have you confronted him with the fact that you like him just the way he is, the fact that you admire him for his many a good trait, the fact that you are hurt because you found out the issue from a friend instead of him, but still like him, and the fact that you like him and will fight for the relationship?
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Jul 29, 2013 7:31 AM GMT
    mybud saidDon't believe the excuse bullshit..He wanted other things and is using this to make himself feel better...You deserve better..Move on.


    I once had a guy "pull back" because he said it was too intense. Though I tried being friends with him after, him pulling away kind of broke something and I never trusted him again either, not even as a friend. He slowly began pulling out of the friendship as a whole, becoming ever more distant, till he finally disappeared. Though everybody says he was and is still in love with me, I am more likely to believe what you say there: that he simply did not really like me and needed an excuse to feel better, so blamed his insecurities on me perhaps?... Meh...

    I dunno, all I know is I lost a best friend to "feelings".. and I havent been able to have them ("feelings") again since... moving on from a crush is one thing... losing a best friend is really not something you get over. It's like losing family...
  • heyom

    Posts: 389

    Jul 29, 2013 7:33 AM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saidFunny how men act when the get what the wish for.


    Tell me about it icon_sad.gif
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    Jul 29, 2013 7:34 AM GMT
    Then contact him and tell him how you feel for petes sake. Talk to him about it. Don't just let him slip off!
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    Jul 29, 2013 8:00 AM GMT
    Its difficult to be a b/f with someone who has or is what you want, especially if its difficult to near impossible to achieve. Or worse something beyond achieving, like genetics, personal financial advantages or even a social life that he wishes he had. The person in the shadow is constantly reminded of what they are not, what they can't reach or haven't yet reached... every time they are with the other person. Yes I'm playing the devils advocate here. Most guys do not want to be a mate to someone while always feeling like they are existing in the other person's shadow. Ultimately its not about you OP, but more about how comfortable the other guy is with himself.
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    Jul 29, 2013 12:24 PM GMT
    Yea, like mrap said, talk to him about it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2013 12:25 PM GMT
    Most gay relationships don't work out and end within two or three months.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2013 12:29 PM GMT
    The grass is always greener on the otherside of the fence.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2013 12:31 PM GMT
    mybud saidDon't believe the excuse bullshit..He wanted other things and is using this to make himself feel better...You deserve better..Move on.

    This. Sometimes people make excuses to pull away to avoid unfortunate talks or hurting the feelings of insecure men.
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 29, 2013 2:55 PM GMT
    Well, it sounds like in many ways you did present the appearance of being the better "catch." Are you sure you didn't give him the impression that you thought so, too? Did he enter your world and try to fit in or did you enter his? Or did you create a whole new place where the two of you were equal partners? It sounds like you were tone-deaf to his needs even though you say he has many qualities you admire and "don't possess." Did you constantly let him know that? I don't think it is realistic to expect that you leave the world you were in before you met but if there was a social or educational or business gap between you when you met, you'd better find a way to accommodate and communicate just what it is that you admire about him if you expect him to feel fully loved and appreciated, a full man. I respect him for walking out if you were making him feel small. It may not have been your intent but if that was the result, it was your fault. Go after him and fall down and apologize. Be humble.
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    Jul 29, 2013 3:44 PM GMT
    this is very odd, i think the middle men is aproblem here, he seem to know everything about this guy. Just clear things up with the guy u dating before u conclude.
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    Jul 29, 2013 3:51 PM GMT
    mrap2 said
    JimJim saidHas this ever happened to anyone? I was hanging out with/seeing this guy who I really liked and who I thought really liked me. A mutual friend had told me that I was this guy's exact type and dream guy.

    Unfortunately as time went on (less than a month) he gradually started to pull away and I couldn't understand why. Our mutual friend wound up telling me that he had been talking to the guy I was seeing and apparently he was feeling very "beneath" me. There were a lot of factors contributing to this, for example he didn't go to college and works a very low paying job while I graduated from one of the top universities in the country and have a promising career opportunity. Additionally he was self conscience about his height compared to me (despite only being an inch shorter than me) and his penis size (despite the fact that he has a nice dick) amongst other things.

    I was completely shocked, since I don't at all consider myself to be an intimidating person (especially since I have a lot of self esteem issues of my own). And now I'm just feeling hurt and confused by how everything played out. I thought we had a really good connection and I don't think I did anything to give him the impression that I thought less of him for any reason because I don't think I'm better than him...in fact there's a lot of traits he has that I admire that I don't possess myself.

    And what's bothered me the most about this is that I don't think there's anything I can do to mend the situation. I would be more alright with our relationship ending if it was because I was too fat or nerdy or if our personalities just didn't match up. But I was the exact kind of guy he was looking for and yet it still didn't work out for a reason I still can't fully wrap my head around.

    Sorry for the rambling post, but I just needed to vent icon_confused.gif


    Then contact him and tell him how you feel for petes sake. Talk to him about it. Don't just let him slip off!


    100% agree! Instead of venting to us, have a conversation with the guy and come to an understanding. It's not that difficult!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 29, 2013 3:58 PM GMT
    I don't understand why the "communication" about this issue had to take place, or at least has taken place, through a 3rd party.

    Sigh, I don't know. I'm not there and don't know you or the other guy and what is or isn't possible. But it really is too bad that two men who are obviously interested in one another can't get beyond the surface to what is really important in their lives *and share that* with one another. Are we really that afraid of intimacy? Are we really that unsure of ourselves that we can't express what we're really feeling to another guy so we can find out the truth of ourselves and our relationship?

    From what you've said, I'm not clear if this 'relationship' (such as it is) is over or not. If it isn't, I mean if you can still see this guy, my suggestion is that you gently and compassionately take the bull by the horns and tell the guy what you've just told us. If you really like him, if you really want to get to know him better, etc., etc.,... THEN LET HIM KNOW THIS. If he's dealing with self esteem issues, maybe he needs to hear that you respect many things about him and you have your own esteem issues you're dealing with as well. So on and so on.

    No relationship is ever going to be perfect because no one *is* perfect. We all have baggage. We all have 'scars' of one sort or another. But what is a relationship if not the ability to accept those things and work with those things? I mean, yeah, there are always potential 'deal breakers' in any relationship. But I don't see one here. Not yet.

    What do you want? Does he *know* that? What does he want? Do you know *that*?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2013 7:15 PM GMT
    So intimidating you can't post a public photo of yourself?
    Lol.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 29, 2013 8:27 PM GMT
    I think the blame lies on both of you. I think to a certain extent you probably do come off cocky. I'm sure it's unintentional but I find that some people tend to always talk about their accomplishments, and even though they don't mean anything by it sometimes it comes across as arrogant. At the same time he is probably overly sensitive to the subject because of his situation. However, he needs to realize that he could've gone to college, and if he is unhappy with his job he needs to look for a new one. I'm sick of people settling for mediocrity then getting mad at the world for it.
  • Whipmagic

    Posts: 1481

    Jul 29, 2013 8:36 PM GMT
    JimJim saidI'm not trolling. This actually just happened to me very recently. What is it about my post that makes you think it is fake?


    "I'm such a good catch that people are intimidated by me" sounds like a humblebrag if there ever was one.