Having a Hard Time Moving On...Am I Completely Naive?

  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Jul 31, 2013 6:43 AM GMT
    So I posted earlier this month about being broken up with by my boyfriend of over a year, and weeks later I'm having a hard time even accepting the reality of the situation.

    To keep this brief, we were together for a very happy, very committed year and some change, and then he just one day said he wasn't in love with me anymore. Two days later he started seeing a new guy, and now they've been together for about a month. According to mutual friends, they seem happy. For the record, he met this guy two days later...there was no cheating and he didn't break up with me for him.

    I just never could have foreseen myself being this heartbroken. I never realized how in love with him I was, and I know I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of guy but this was so unexpected. All of our mutual friends came to me and said they were shocked when they found out because we seemed so happy, and they also always thought I would be the one to end it. Does it sound completely naive to say I felt I found the love of my life at age 20?

    Today two of my best friends (who are also good friends with him, but not happy about how he handled our break-up) came to me and sat me down and let me know how they felt. They said, in their opinions, I'm better-looking than he is, I am far more intelligent, and I'm an incredible friend. They don't see how I feel this dejected by someone who, in their opinions, shouldn't have the power.

    That said, I still find myself thinking I'll never find a better fit for me. Our common interests were uncanny (he plays tennis at the college level, I am a huge fan...to name one). We were best friends, and that's what he said was the hardest part about ending it. We told each other everything. I've never opened myself up to someone like that. I mean, I don't think I'm that bad-looking, I know I have a strong GPA and a great MCAT score (headed for med school in about a year). I have amazing friends and a good social life. I don't really doubt my own appeal as a person, I'm just struggling to accept I'll find a better romantic partner.

    He had flaws, don't get me wrong. He was an athlete and didn't take school seriously at all. His future plans kind of end after we graduate, and he's going to "wing it" then. He can be conceited and focuses on the negatives of a person. That said, I still love him.

    The reason I'm posting is I'm wondering if anyone has any stories about being completely heartbroken/in love and then finding love later down the road? I know I'm probably incredibly naive/unexperienced, so I was just wondering if anyone had any stories to share!
  • Fargo

    Posts: 144

    Jul 31, 2013 12:19 PM GMT
    No, but you are in love, and this is what it does. I have been on the opposite side of the relationship where I ended it several times, but despite all my efforts, we eventually come back together. However, in all these times he was single, so I think if he was committed, I'll probably try harder to let go.

    Unfortunately, we don't get everything we desire in life. He could be the perfect fit as far as your concerned, though probably a better fit exists somewhere in this world, it's just god damn hard to find them.
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    Jul 31, 2013 1:11 PM GMT
    eagledreamer said...I still find myself thinking I'll never find a better fit for me. Our common interests were uncanny...

    The reason I'm posting is I'm wondering if anyone has any stories about being completely heartbroken/in love and then finding love later down the road? I know I'm probably incredibly naive/unexperienced, so I was just wondering if anyone had any stories to share!

    RJ veterans know I always have a story for all occasions, if only because of my age. Your own relatively young age means your prospects for successfully moving on are extremely good. Time will heal this present wound, and your regret & despair will fade.

    I lost my first partner to AIDS, and was so distraught after his death I had a complete breakdown. At nearly 55 I figured I'd never meet another like him, with so many common interests between us, not to mention the most important one of all - love.

    Then I met my current partner. I didn't know anything at all about him, just that I was attracted to him, an immediate bond with a stranger. And as I got to know him in the first months, I realized he shared a great many traits with my late partner, as well as with me. Similarities I found between them:

    - performed as dancers
    - sang in gay choruses, and solo, with beautiful deep bass voices
    - had theatre training
    - great cooks
    - Italians (!)
    - loved classical music and Broadway musicals
    - enjoyed old movies
    - great sense of humor
    - very tolerant & forgiving of my many quirks & failings
    - extremely sociable, able to make friends everywhere and compensate for my own social awkwardness
    - sexually compatible with me (omitting details)
    - etc, etc, a long list of compatibilities with me, and where we differ we reinforce each other, each having talents the other doesn't have to make our life together wonderfully rich & complete

    I still consider it a miracle. Actually 2 miracles, because my late partner was more than I had ever hoped to have in my 50s, and then it happened again. At 21 it will happen to you, too. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Jul 31, 2013 1:49 PM GMT
    "The reason I'm posting is I'm wondering if anyone has any stories about being completely heartbroken/in love and then finding love later down the road?"

    YES!

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    Jul 31, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    meninlove said "The reason I'm posting is I'm wondering if anyone has any stories about being completely heartbroken/in love and then finding love later down the road?"

    YES!



    Yep, too!
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    Jul 31, 2013 2:54 PM GMT
    I think you are feeling this because you miss the routine and the companionship of your relationship. When I got out of my relationship, I find myself lonely during the times we were to talk at night or the certain days we were going to see each other. Or just having someone there that will be there for you. But once I accepted the fact we were not getting back together and realized that I needed to move on, I started to find things to fill in those gaps. I looked at the positive side of things and saw that I was able to hang out with my friends more and do the things my ex didn't like to do. I didn't want to feel like the sad and depressed guy so I started taking care of myself again and working out. Now, thinking back, I'm in a better position than I was when I was in that relationship. I got over it, it took some time, but I was able to.
    Don't worry about it too much. It will take time, but you will get over it and move on. I think you just need to start thinking about yourself again and start finding positive things you can fill in the missing gap where your ex used to fill.
  • Laurence

    Posts: 942

    Jul 31, 2013 3:23 PM GMT
    You're not naive.

    Everyone goes through some heartbreak or another, it's natural and a learning experience.

    I've had my heart broken a couple of times, but found the right man eventually. You will too.

    Things to do;

    1. Stop comparing yourself to anyone else he's now seeing. Your ex was a great guy, but just not for you.

    2. Keep busy, get on with your life goals - there will be other men (or another man) for you.

    3. When you're ready, put yourself out there. You're a nice looking guy who's a real catch.

    You can spend some time grieving over this relationship but you need to get your head around the fact it is over and you will move on.

    Lozx
  • Destinharbor

    Posts: 4433

    Jul 31, 2013 3:24 PM GMT
    First love is always special. You'll never forget it and will always have a spot in your heart for your first. It also hurts terribly and the pain is palpable. Let yourself grieve and don't push too hard to "get over it." Give it time. Just do other things. You will have other great loves but they will all be different. Different from your first, different from each other. Be patient and stay an optimist. You sound like a great guy on your way to a rewarding career. Cute, too. You'll meet someone and probably when you least expect it. You'll be a different you and he will seem amazing. Mature love may not have quite so many fireworks as your first love but it has a depth and burn that lasts and mutates with time. It becomes your forever.
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    Jul 31, 2013 3:39 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidFirst love is always special. You'll never forget it and will always have a spot in your heart for your first. It also hurts terribly and the pain is palpable. Let yourself grieve and don't push too hard to "get over it." Give it time. Just do other things. You will have other great loves but they will all be different. Different from your first, different from each other. Be patient and stay an optimist. You sound like a great guy on your way to a rewarding career. Cute, too. You'll meet someone and probably when you least expect it. You'll be a different you and he will seem amazing. Mature love may not have quite so many fireworks as your first love but it has a depth and burn that lasts and mutates with time. It becomes your forever.


    *completely impressed*

    True, this.
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    Jul 31, 2013 3:54 PM GMT
    Aww inorite

    le-sigh.gif

    & to be crude...

    this it all the insincere cheaters out there!

    Gif-Queen-Elizabeth-II-Giving-Finger.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 31, 2013 3:55 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Destinharbor saidFirst love is always special. You'll never forget it and will always have a spot in your heart for your first. It also hurts terribly and the pain is palpable. Let yourself grieve and don't push too hard to "get over it." Give it time. Just do other things. You will have other great loves but they will all be different. Different from your first, different from each other. Be patient and stay an optimist. You sound like a great guy on your way to a rewarding career. Cute, too. You'll meet someone and probably when you least expect it. You'll be a different you and he will seem amazing. Mature love may not have quite so many fireworks as your first love but it has a depth and burn that lasts and mutates with time. It becomes your forever.

    *completely impressed*

    True, this.

    Another +1 from an old guy who has been around the broken heart block more than once.

    Yes, it hurts and it sucks and it is grieving for what you had and what you imagined would continue. Yes it is special and will always be special. Don't think of future relationships as being 'better' or 'worse'... they will be different and great in their own way. It may not help to think of it this way but what you're experiencing is what straight guys and girls go through, usually in their teens, after 'going steady' with someone for a year and then breaking up. It is a loss of emotional investment. Sounds like your X isn't ready for a longer-term or more committed relationship. The problem is this was unilateral. You have to let him go and you need to take care of yourself. Point being, although it is currently difficult and painful, really not anything unusual about your situation. It just hurts icon_sad.gif Grieve and grow.
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    Jul 31, 2013 4:08 PM GMT
    I have no story to share with you, all I can say is that if he left you, then he wasn't the one. And you are young. If you truly believe what you wrote about yourself in your profile, I know you'll be fine.
  • hdurdinr

    Posts: 699

    Jul 31, 2013 4:10 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear all this, it's definitely going to hurt for a while I'm afraid but then it will get better and you will be all the wiser for it. Regardless of age when you're in love, you're in love and when your love is suddenly rejected there's not much else that hurts as much emotionally but you get through it. It seems your ex is a little bit weak if he has immediately gotten together with someone else. Take the time to be by yourself and think about the things that YOU want from life. My immediate advice is to break up your routine as much as you can. Listen to some new music, make different recipes for dinner, walk a different route home - whatever. Get lots of exercise and even if tennis makes you sad because it reminds you of him, don't forget that YOU love it too independently of him - who knows, one day down the line you might meet a cute guy at the tennis courts. Oh, and watch your body language. Chin up!!
  • cavecanem10

    Posts: 70

    Jul 31, 2013 6:29 PM GMT
    I definitely can commiserate with this story, since I was in a similar boat about 2 years ago. The first guy I really fell for was just looking for fun, and yeah, I was a little obsessed. Once I realized what was happening, I did get a little down in the dumps, but then I met my current bf and it's been great.

    The best thing to do is realize that this was the wrong time, wrong place, wrong person, and move on. There's so much more out there for you, and once you find the right guy, it'll make sense, but it doesn't make sense to try and force something to be happy, you shouldn't have to do that.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jul 31, 2013 6:46 PM GMT
    @Sock-
    Sorry to hear of you painful breakup. Been there. It hurts. You were in love - sounds like a first love - and you won't be over him in a month. Could take a lot more time than that. Took me almost two years to be entirely over my first. But realize that he is not the only guy in the world. If you hadn't fallen for him, you would have met someone else. Those someone elses are still out there waiting for you to encounter them. But if you are going to med school, you may have a long dry period in the BF department. Most guys in med school are way to preoccupied with studies to get involved in a serious relationship - and then there is the likelihood that wherever you go to med school, you will get assigned an internship far away from there - not good on existing relationships.

    At some time, you may not find a better fit for you (though, since this guy fell out of love for you, he probably could not be said to be the best "fit"), but you will find a different fit. Most guys who have partners end up for various reasons having more than one in their life (though you may now deny this will apply to you)- and they are all different from each other. How boring life would be if all your relationships were identical.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 31, 2013 7:09 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidThat said, I still find myself thinking I'll never find a better fit for me. Our common interests were uncanny (he plays tennis at the college level, I am a huge fan...to name one). We were best friends, and that's what he said was the hardest part about ending it. We told each other everything. I've never opened myself up to someone like that. . . I'm just struggling to accept I'll find a better romantic partner.


    Please don't take this the wrong way, but that part I just cited is ridiculous, and you are doing yourself a disservice. Obviously you can find a better fit - like someone who will actually love you and keep loving you. Someone who actually does tell you everything as you said you told him. He didn't do either of those things, obviously.

    It sucks. I've been there. I was always a slut in between BUT I'm always a fiercely devoted, loyal, loving partner when I'm IN relationships. My recovery method (slutting) is likely not right for you, so I won't presume to suggest you get out there and fuck him out of your mind. But I will say this much. You're articulate, obviously smart, obviously passionate, caring and loyal. You can indulge and distract yourself while the pain of this ebbs with many other things you can usefully and actively involve yourself with. (And for those who know me, no I'm not talking about revenge missions on him! I'm talking about eagle's obvious talents and passions for life that he can indulge in to fill this hole while he heals.

    Good luck and HUGS.
  • madsexy

    Posts: 4843

    Jul 31, 2013 7:12 PM GMT
    Har19 saidGif-Queen-Elizabeth-II-Giving-Finger.gif


    I FUCKING LOVE THIS!!!

    That great and proper lady would never do this outwardly, but you just KNOW she's done it inwardly during many of the trials and tribulations she's endured in that family.

    Fair warning - you MAY see me use this sometime . . . soon.
  • Aodhan

    Posts: 3828

    Jul 31, 2013 7:14 PM GMT
    mhmm I hate break ups ... You're not naive I was dating my ex for a shorter amount of time and was hung up for ages
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    Jul 31, 2013 7:23 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidSo I posted earlier this month about being broken up with by my boyfriend of over a year, and weeks later I'm having a hard time even accepting the reality of the situation.

    To keep this brief, we were together for a very happy, very committed year and some change, and then he just one day said he wasn't in love with me anymore. Two days later he started seeing a new guy, and now they've been together for about a month. According to mutual friends, they seem happy. For the record, he met this guy two days later...there was no cheating and he didn't break up with me for him.

    I just never could have foreseen myself being this heartbroken. I never realized how in love with him I was, and I know I'm a heart-on-my-sleeve kind of guy but this was so unexpected. All of our mutual friends came to me and said they were shocked when they found out because we seemed so happy, and they also always thought I would be the one to end it. Does it sound completely naive to say I felt I found the love of my life at age 20?

    Today two of my best friends (who are also good friends with him, but not happy about how he handled our break-up) came to me and sat me down and let me know how they felt. They said, in their opinions, I'm better-looking than he is, I am far more intelligent, and I'm an incredible friend. They don't see how I feel this dejected by someone who, in their opinions, shouldn't have the power.

    That said, I still find myself thinking I'll never find a better fit for me. Our common interests were uncanny (he plays tennis at the college level, I am a huge fan...to name one). We were best friends, and that's what he said was the hardest part about ending it. We told each other everything. I've never opened myself up to someone like that. I mean, I don't think I'm that bad-looking, I know I have a strong GPA and a great MCAT score (headed for med school in about a year). I have amazing friends and a good social life. I don't really doubt my own appeal as a person, I'm just struggling to accept I'll find a better romantic partner.

    He had flaws, don't get me wrong. He was an athlete and didn't take school seriously at all. His future plans kind of end after we graduate, and he's going to "wing it" then. He can be conceited and focuses on the negatives of a person. That said, I still love him.

    The reason I'm posting is I'm wondering if anyone has any stories about being completely heartbroken/in love and then finding love later down the road? I know I'm probably incredibly naive/unexperienced, so I was just wondering if anyone had any stories to share!



    my fiance cheated on me with other people, i loved him dearly and sadly i still do, its not your fault your finding it hard to move on, i am too, it has caused me to have a breakdown that im still in at the moment but im seeing a doc and got some meds to deal with the depression its left me with, works taken a hit and so has my now non existent social life.
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    Jul 31, 2013 7:29 PM GMT
    Destinharbor saidFirst love is always special. You'll never forget it and will always have a spot in your heart for your first. It also hurts terribly and the pain is palpable. Let yourself grieve and don't push too hard to "get over it." Give it time. Just do other things. You will have other great loves but they will all be different. Different from your first, different from each other. Be patient and stay an optimist. You sound like a great guy on your way to a rewarding career. Cute, too. You'll meet someone and probably when you least expect it. You'll be a different you and he will seem amazing. Mature love may not have quite so many fireworks as your first love but it has a depth and burn that lasts and mutates with time. It becomes your forever.

    **saved me some typing

    --on the bright side you know what if feels like; have a comparison for the future.
    Trust someone will surpass these feelings and you, like the rest of us, will be able to look back and thank him for it.
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    Jul 31, 2013 8:15 PM GMT
    There's a lot of wise words above. I'd add keep busy, always have something to look forward to. Exercise. Listen to fast music that makes you feel better. If you're religious, talk to God. I have no doubt in my mind that he loves each of us and cares what happens to us, gay or not. You'll eventually get used to it, and then you'll move on. Hang in there! icon_smile.gif
  • eagledreamer

    Posts: 198

    Jul 31, 2013 8:31 PM GMT
    Thanks guys, I sincerely appreciate all of your responses.

    I'm sure many of who have either been in my shoes or in situations that are far worse than mine. That said, I still can't shake thoughts of the past: how we never went a day without speaking, that we spent every waking minute together, and the fact that not a day went by without him telling me he loved me until the day he ended it.

    It's just very difficult for me to reconcile thoughts of what I thought we had with the current situation: I'm crying with friends over him and he's off building a new life with someone new. Again, I'm sure this seems par-for-the-course with a broken heart, but it's just hard to fully internalize everything that's come my way.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Jul 31, 2013 8:38 PM GMT
    To answer your question, you will def find love againicon_exclaim.gif

    Based on what you wrote, I really think he was planning on leaving for quite sometime before he told you. You seem like a nice guy and he probably didn't know how to get out of it. You said he was a perfect fit for you, maybe he didn't feel the same??

    You stated he just met this guy 2 days after and is still in a relationship w/ him??? Sounds very suspicious!
    This is a great example of why men should ALWAYS wear condoms for sex.

    Be well, surround yourself w friends family.
    If it comes to light he cheated on you, he will cheat on this new guy as well.icon_idea.gif

    Your friends said they thought you would be the one to end it. He did you a favor!
    It is difficult to stay with the same person from 20 on, especially when both parties are men. We think about sex all day long. Woman do not. You had no children or marriage it could have been worse.

    I think you will be happily married someday. No worries. Don't question who you are or beat yourself up. Move on!
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Jul 31, 2013 8:43 PM GMT
    eagledreamer saidThanks guys, I sincerely appreciate all of your responses.

    I'm sure many of who have either been in my shoes or in situations that are far worse than mine. That said, I still can't shake thoughts of the past: how we never went a day without speaking, that we spent every waking minute together, and the fact that not a day went by without him telling me he loved me until the day he ended it.

    It's just very difficult for me to reconcile thoughts of what I thought we had with the current situation: I'm crying with friends over him and he's off building a new life with someone new. Again, I'm sure this seems par-for-the-course with a broken heart, but it's just hard to fully internalize everything that's come my way.

    It really is grieving (lost my first partner to a brain tumor years ago) and in some ways worse because, as you said, you're aware he still exists but you are no longer the object of his desire or attention. Don't be surprised if, in due course, the hurt becomes anger, even rage. If that happens, just don't turn it against yourself or begin to second guess 'why' he did it, as if it had anything to do with you. It didn't. It was a unilateral decision HE made for and by himself.
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    Jul 31, 2013 8:47 PM GMT
    I think a lot of your problems haveto do with self esteem issues. IIt's not really about looking better, being smarter , it's about being sincere and willing to committ.
    Your ex obviously could not see your wonderful traits and thats why he left and is with someone new. Watch this sort of guy is worse off then you because he can not really feel love.
    You should apprecaite the fact that your not with someone who is wasting your time and efforts at a relationship. Your also very young so keep in perspective this is certainly not the end. You will look back and say "What was I thinking?"
    I was obsessed with this geeky looking guy in college. A lot of my feelings were also a result of transference from having an abusive father. He was an ass*&^% buttt I wasnt angel with his behavior and kind of got even (another story)
    But I look back now and think wha the hell was I thinking? I met so many wonderful people since then.