Boyfriend went through my phone! Advice?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2013 12:23 AM GMT
    So just recently my boyfriend cheated on me. (Another topic) and sex has been hard for me as of late and so I've been guilty of masturbating to porn.

    I've never gone through his phone before even after the cheating andbsexting he did just because I feel like its not right and we are both our own humans and live our own lives even though in a monogamous relationship.

    I left my phone in his car and he saw a couple porn vids on there. He said it is basically the same as cheating (which I just don't agree with) he didn't apologize for snooping and now I feel like I can't trust him at all. It bugs me that he just went through it like he was going to find something Terrible.

    Is it wrong or frowned up on to watch porn here and there? I don't know! Am I trying to justify something that is indeed wrong on my end?

    Advice please!
  • Fargo

    Posts: 144

    Aug 01, 2013 12:45 AM GMT
    Porn is like cheating? What the hell is wrong with him?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 01, 2013 12:45 AM GMT
    You are not wrong to watch porn. Masturbating isn't cheating. Don't let him deflect his behavior onto you. At this point, I'd say you should take a break of him and reevaluate your relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2013 12:54 AM GMT
    Seek therapy on your own, and if you care about him in a couples session. It sounds like there's mistrust and possibly self-esteem issues at work here.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2013 1:11 AM GMT
    Timbales saidAt this point, I'd say you should take a break of him and reevaluate your relationship.


    With all due respect ..Timbales icon_redface.gif
    As gay MEN.. MEN..

    We have to practice hashing things out.. Head on..face to face..balls to the wall.

    The idea of stepping out when things get hairy is rarely the answer.
    The more hurdles you conquer TOGETHER is what solidifies a testosterone driven bond.

    Now OP..You need to sit with your partner and re-hash the details of your relationship..bottom line!

    Work it out.. icon_smile.gif
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 01, 2013 1:27 AM GMT
    Anocxu said
    Timbales saidAt this point, I'd say you should take a break of him and reevaluate your relationship.


    With all due respect ..Timbales icon_redface.gif
    As gay MEN.. MEN..

    We have to practice hashing things out.. Head on..face to face..balls to the wall.

    The idea of stepping out when things get hairy is rarely the answer.
    The more hurdles you conquer TOGETHER is what solidifies a testosterone driven bond.

    Now OP..You need to sit with your partner and re-hash the details of your relationship..bottom line!

    Work it out.. icon_smile.gif


    I don't know if I'd be willing to call cheating a hurdle.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2013 1:35 AM GMT
    Somehow we made it through cheating but this just raised a red flag for me.
    If anyone should be paranoid I feel like it should be me.

    But I'm not! And to find nothing but a porn video then tells me its wrong.

    Is it a red flag to go through someone's phone?
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Aug 01, 2013 1:46 AM GMT
    He probably figures that if he fucked around on you, that you will fuck around on him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 4:21 AM GMT
    Timbales saidHe probably figures that if he fucked around on you, that you will fuck around on him.


    That's what cheaters usually think.....

    Dude I already told you this in a sweet manner but...

    DUMP HIS ASS NOW!!! icon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gificon_evil.gif

    Quit it. He's not worth your time anymore

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 4:32 AM GMT
    Drop that zero.
  • jackooh

    Posts: 109

    Aug 02, 2013 6:58 AM GMT
    those boots are made for walkin!
  • WApilot

    Posts: 191

    Aug 02, 2013 7:57 AM GMT
    Rather than talking AT each other, you guys need to talk TO each other.

    There seems to be a communication breakdown between you two, where boundaries aren't being respected. If he feels that porn constitutes as cheating, have a discussion about that. His cheating??? I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, did you write another post about this? Anyways, from the sound of it, you two have to re-evaluate and establish trust. It may work, it may not work, but it definitely won't work out if you two don't talk to each other and soon.

    If you want to continue this relationship, make the effort to continue it, if he doesn't reciprocate, then you have your answer and it's time to move on to someone to whom won't cheat on you and snoop through your private stuff.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 1:19 PM GMT

    Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    For the phone thing, I think it's "Ok". It really depends how long the relationship is. A lot of cheating is done through phones and people just want to know if their partner is really in it for the relationship or not.

    The porn thing is something else. If it's an addiction then yeah, that can cause a problem for any relationship unless your partner also likes that...
  • run26

    Posts: 41

    Aug 02, 2013 2:20 PM GMT
    Hi Derrick

    some comments...
    - the recent my "cheating", are you okay with what ever he did? Did you two talk it through?
    - you note that sex has been hard for you, so you've been masturbating to porn? Is this new? Did the two of you watch porn together in the past?
    - you mention "a monogamous relationship", have you two talked as to what exactly that means? And know that what something means today, that tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, that meaning will likely have shifted and changed and take on a new meaning.
    - as for porn vids on your phone, some people see it as the same as cheating and some do not. What its more about is 'what are the boundaries/limits of the relationship' and most importantly; YOUR RELATIONSHIP (not the guy next door and three forum posts below). in other words: What's a deal breaker?

    relationships are hard work and there are disappointments and hurts. AND there are lots of good times too.

    bottom line: it really comes down to you and he needing to talk - no natter the outcome: IF YOU STAY or IF YOU GO you still need to talk this one through

    best wishes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 3:00 PM GMT
    ddobson85 said
    I left my phone in his car and he saw a couple porn vids on there. He said it is basically the same as cheating (which I just don't agree with) he didn't apologize for snooping and now I feel like I can't trust him at all. It bugs me that he just went through it like he was going to find something Terrible.

    I think he needs to explain his snooping on your phone, before he starts complaining about your porn vids, and after he himself has been actually cheating, according to you.

    Going through another person's phone, computer and other personal effects without their knowledge is totally unacceptable, in my opinion, maybe even illegal in some jurisdictions. I've never done it to any BF or my husband.

    I even avert my eyes when I walk past his computer screen. I only touch his iMac, iPad or iPhone when he asks me for help with some function, and he hands me the thing himself. And I even bought them for him, pay for his phone account and Internet service, so it might be argued that they're legally mine. But they're 100% his now, because I gave them to him without strings attached, and I claim no right to them or their contents.

    We consider ourselves married, living as husbands, (though not legally in Florida), but I still don't feel that allows me to pry into his things, even if I did give them to him. How could I tell him I trust him in all matters, as I do, and then go behind his back to check-up on him?

    But to go into your smart phone, that I presume belongs to you and not your BF, is a big red flag for me. If a mere BF ever did that to me he'd have a lot of explaining to do, to prevent me from throwing him right out the door.

    Cheater + snooper = loser
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    Aug 02, 2013 3:56 PM GMT
    Electronics are off limits. You don't go thru someone's phone or email or internet bookmarks. He sounds like a very un-trust worth person.
    Good luck but you have done nothing wrong.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    Aaaaaaaah he trying to find something to make himself feel better. one he cheated on you, two he opened your phone without your consent. What does this spell out to u, hmmmm, i think u know that this relationship has run it cause, iy time to move on.
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Aug 02, 2013 7:06 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidSeek therapy on your own, and if you care about him in a couples session. It sounds like there's mistrust and possibly self-esteem issues at work here.


    therapy? Why? cuz his bf went through his phone?--- whats a therapist gonna do?


    OP, u need to explain to your BF that he's a fucking asshole and he shouldn't have done that. Then, throw the fact that he's cheated on u in the past in his fucking face. Make him feel guilty about it. Just like your BF is trying to do to u.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 10:02 PM GMT
    DDobson
    ..If your boyfriend cheated .. and you are still with him..
    Isn't this an indication that you are trying to work through it?

    If not.. You know what to do.. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 02, 2013 11:01 PM GMT
    What is the big deal? Looking at porn, video, magazine ... is not cheating, if anything, it's a turn on or foreplay. Maybe your bf has his own insecurities, like he can't compete with the guys in Porn? Lol, he should apologize for snooping, IDK, something sounds fishy, dump him! icon_lol.gif