Sigh...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:19 AM GMT
    So my mom is telling me all these "guidelines" for when I go off to college in NY. She's like stay away from drug addicts, weirdos with tattoos, gay people etc. It really gets me depressed when I actually hear things like this. I'm not out yet to people around me, but I have accepted myself and to hear this type of condemnation of gays along with other people that may not necessarily be bad, but rather have the image of being "bad", really gets me upset.

    I'm the type of guy that will accept people for who they are, I mean OK the drug addict/seller type I'll avoid for obvious reasons, but people who aren't doing anything wrong I won't judge them and instantly condemn them in my mind. Just hearing her compare people with tattoos and gays to drug addicts made me sad.

    This has been on my mind for a few days since she said it to me, and I just needed somewhere to vent.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:22 AM GMT
    I'm guessing she doesn't know your sexual orientation?
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:24 AM GMT
    GooberGeek saidI'm guessing she doesn't know your sexual orientation?


    Nope.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:29 AM GMT
    OneSongGlory said
    GooberGeek saidI'm guessing she doesn't know your sexual orientation?


    Nope.


    A great way to start changing her opinion of gay people is going to college, securing your finances and then coming out. icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:34 AM GMT
    Vent away.

    Those around us never know how much they hurt us. And they only hurt us with their ignorance.

    Someday, you may look back at this and laugh, because you both know how silly it was.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:36 AM GMT
    You can't help other to accept and understand until you accept yourself. You're not there. Your mother's comments weigh heavily on your mind because being in the closet and not accepting who you are is also on your mind.

    Once you accept who you are, you'll quickly realize that the weight on your shoulders is massive and your mother's ignorance about gays is adding to it. It's then that you'll know it's time to share your secret and begin to educate her that being gay is not only OK, it's family.

    Enjoy college, study hard and good luck.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:42 AM GMT
    Sounds like you're on the fast track to excommunicating your mom. Not necessarily "disowning" her, but ceasing communication for a while after you finally come out (which will probably be soon).

    Most people with her mindset never change. After being "out" for 21+ years, my mom still thinks gays are bad and going to burn in hell...hence why I've excommunicated her. Last time I talked to her, I told her not to contact me again 'till she can change her religious views. She still hasn't contacted me (in almost a year).

    It's not easy, but you need to get used to that fact as part of your life. And if you decide to stay closeted, prepare yourself for even more heartache since you'll never be able to love the person you want to love.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:44 AM GMT
    GooberGeek said
    OneSongGlory said
    GooberGeek saidI'm guessing she doesn't know your sexual orientation?


    Nope.


    A great way to start changing her opinion of gay people is going to college, securing your finances and then coming out. icon_biggrin.gif
    That only works in pipe dreams. Most people who've been trained their entire lives to hate gay people will never change.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:56 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    GooberGeek said
    OneSongGlory said
    GooberGeek saidI'm guessing she doesn't know your sexual orientation?


    Nope.


    A great way to start changing her opinion of gay people is going to college, securing your finances and then coming out. icon_biggrin.gif
    That only works in pipe dreams. Most people who've been trained their entire lives to hate gay people will never change.


    Hence the "securing your finances" part.

    I still believe he'd be better off coming out than staying in the closet.

    I came out to my mother when I was a sophomore in high school. For over two years she tried persuading me to date women and tried dissuading me from hanging out with LGBT classmates. Fast forward about 8 years later - she sent me money to celebrate this Summer's Pride.

    Sometimes things change.
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:01 AM GMT
    I won't disown her and I actually thought that she wouldn't be so narrow-minded. She recently won her fight against cancer and became more religious through that, I have no issues with that whatsoever. I don't know how to explain it, but I guess she just has the wrong idea about gay people or something. The fact that she has worshiped Elton John since the 70's and doesn't even care that he's gay says something (sort of). I kind of think that she knows I'm gay and just doesn't want me to be around people that will make me come out with it. I dunno, she has just always been super protective of me so maybe it could just be that she thinks all gay people have STDs and doesn't want me to get one... it could quite frankly be anything.

    I'm just going to save coming out until after college is done OR if I get a boyfriend that I'm really sure about.
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:05 AM GMT
    Then I guess I'm your mother's worse nightmare...icon_twisted.gif
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:33 AM GMT
    jmusmc85 saidThen I guess I'm your mother's worse nightmare...icon_twisted.gif


    I'm scared now lol.
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    Aug 01, 2013 3:43 PM GMT
    Sorry, bud. It's all part of being gay, listening to the negative things your parents say about it whether or not you've come out to them.
    This is why I get uppity when people turn on each other here, making fun just for the enjoyment of it. We have to support each other more.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:13 PM GMT
    Come out.

    Break your mother's preconceptions.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:19 PM GMT
    OneSongGlory saidII kind of think that she knows I'm gay and just doesn't want me to be around people that will make me come out with it.


    That's really, really common. Often it even happens after you initially come out - the parent will say, well, ok but you can't tell ANYONE else, as if it's their place to dictate that. It's really about bullying you to stay in the closet because it makes their lives easier.

    The answer is to come out (when you're ready and are financially independent) and not give in. Until you're ready and financially independent, it's harder.

    I've been out for a zillion years but I didn't come out to my parents until I was out of school (undergrad and law school) and working. I like to think that they wouldn't have yanked the rug out from under me, but who knows.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    You should send her a picture of you with a gay tattooed man with a joint in his hand.
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    Aug 01, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    RadRTT saidYou should send her a picture of you with a gay tattooed man with lines racked up on a mirror
  • Hothouse

    Posts: 2204

    Aug 01, 2013 5:48 PM GMT
    We all have different experiences and situations to deal with in the coming out process.
    Take your time, you don't need to rush to tell your family or friends that you're gay. You'll know when the time is right.
    Not everyone has parents that are accepting. Many of us, myself included, have struggled with coming out to parents that have voiced disapproval of homosexuals. Many have strict religious beliefs that condem homesexuality. Many are ignorant - they aren't stupid, they just don't understand and choose not to open their minds.
    I have a feeling your mother will grow to understand and accept you - but it may take some time, so be prepared for the worst and hope for the best when you do decide to tell her.
    You won't be the first gay man that has faced parents that are not accepting, and you won't be the last.
    Go off to college, get your education, keep your open mind to those that are different to you. Be discerning in those you spend time with - your Mom is right - there are some people you should stay away from, and you know who they are. Even some gay men will not have your best interests at heart. Moms are very protective of their children, that's not a bad thing. Once you're out on your own you'll be better prepared to live your life on your own terms.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 01, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    You're 22 years old. You are no longer a child. Of course, mothers will continue to treat you as a child for the rest of your life, but you need to establish the fact you are an adult now. She doesn't need to know you about who you hang out with. But, I'm guessing she's helping fund your college education, so you might need to at least appear to be following her guidance.

    As far as her views about homosexuality, are they religion based? Is she just old fashioned and doesn't know any gay people? You wouldn't be the first child facing these challenges. It's very likely your college has various LGBT org and support groups especially for coming out. They helped me when I went away for college.
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:56 PM GMT
    Aristoshark said
    showme saidI've been out for a zillion years but I didn't come out to my parents until I was out of school (undergrad and law school) and working. I like to think that they wouldn't have yanked the rug out from under me, but who knows.

    Things were different back in 1912.


    True, true. I'm just glad I escaped conscription to fight the Great War.
  • HottJoe

    Posts: 21366

    Aug 01, 2013 6:12 PM GMT
    RadRTT saidYou should send her a picture of you with a gay tattooed man with a joint in his hand.

    I want to smoke a joint with you, Rad. We'll get drunk and smoke weed and do each other's hurr.icon_lol.gif
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    Aug 01, 2013 6:28 PM GMT
    This is why it is so important for gays to come out. The more people who get to know us the more society will realize we are just as human as straights are.

    Now I realize you may still rely on your family for financial support and you may not want to upset the apple cart just now, but you could have told your mom that you know gays and people with tattoos and they are not weirdos, but that you will heed her advice to steer clear of drug addicts and pushers.

    And as soon as YOU are ready, come out. There's safety in numbers.