CONFIDENCE

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    Aug 01, 2013 3:38 PM GMT
    So over the years, I have been told that people are more attracted to confidence than looks. I told one person, in particular, that people can't just suddenly develop confidence if they have been put down their entire lives. Much like the winner always writes history, I believe that people that are confident, are, because their life experiences (in whatever arena they feel confident in) have allowed them to be.

    Example: a guy who feels confident around men gets laid a lot because men have always been attracted to him (which continues to build his confidence over time). A guy who has always been told he is ugly or not good enough is not going to have confidence because he wasn't as lucky as the aforementioned guy (and his lack of self esteem gets constantly reinforced over time).

    What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or does your opinion differ?
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 01, 2013 3:45 PM GMT
    I don't believe this is true ... I have met some people that just exude confidence that are just real fucking assholes that just make me cringe.

    I'll even go as far to say that I considered them to be repulsive and obnoxious.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:01 PM GMT
    simonneversaid said
    txstud49 saidSo over the years, I have been told that people are more attracted to confidence than looks. I told one person, in particular, that people can't just suddenly develop confidence if they have been put down their entire lives. Much like the winner always writes history, I believe that people that are confident, are, because their life experiences (in whatever arena they feel confident in) have allowed them to be.

    Example: a guy who feels confident around men gets laid a lot because men have always been attracted to him (which continues to build his confidence over time). A guy who has always been told he is ugly or not good enough is not going to have confidence because he wasn't as lucky as the aforementioned guy (and his lack of self esteem gets constantly reinforced over time).

    What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or does your opinion differ?


    unfortunately, i think this is true. i would also like to add that it starts early too. some people can be broken by other people and they can't be fixed.

    my experience with confidence has been this. gonna try to keep it simple. my mom basically made me feel special, like i was the best person in the world and made me feel wonderful about myself. however, outside of the house, from the moment that i first started to socially interact with people when i was 3, 4 and 5, people treated me badly. they just didn't like me so they felt that they had to go out their way to show how much they disliked me. needless to say, the hate that those people gave me outweighed the love that my mom gave me at home unfortunately. i have to say that eventually, i started to believe the things that people said about me such as being weird, crazy, undesirable, horrible, and etc than the positive things. i eventually started to doubt myself, my abilities and i just went down. i gave up on myself early and felt that i wasn't going to amount to shit so why try. however, i have this feeling of hope that just doesn't die where even though i might feel like offing myself, i just don't have the balls to do it and would rather just live it out.

    if you're surrounded by people that show you love, make you feel welcomed, have a group of friends that make you feel normal and etc at an early age, you're going to basically be confident with yourself. you basically grew up to believe yourself like that. if you're surrounded by haters, bullies, hasbeens, lowlifes, and etc, you're going to be fucked up. i have to say that if i had the chance to, i would go back in time and kill some of the people that i felt caused me to be this way. i just feel that the hate they gave me is enough to warrant me to do that to them. they deserve to die.


    I couldn't agree more dude
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 01, 2013 4:05 PM GMT
    Yes, I generally agree with what you're saying. It's about positive or negative reinforcement of self-image. The world around us acts like a mirror, reflecting back an image of us that can be either positive or negative. We either accept that image or we don't.

    My dad, for example, was emotionally abusive toward me. Specifically, his fundamental statement to me was: "You'll never amount to anything." This is how he saw me and this was the image he reflected back to me day-in and day-out for many, many years as I was growing up. He was hypercritical of everything I did and then used these criticisms as 'examples' of why I was useless and would never be anything BUT useless. Needless to say, this seriously and negatively effected my sense of self-worth on a lot of levels--and despite a lot of years of therapy, self awareness and so on, it continues to have an impact to this day.

    That said, fairly early on some part of me 'got it' that the only way I was going to survive was to 'rebel' against my dad's abuses. It wasn't so much a conscious thought, I just knew I hated the son of a bitch and 'fuck him' I was going to do what I wanted to do. So I began to 'excel' in certain areas that were outside the range of my dad's understanding. None of this ever received recognition, let alone praise, from him but that wasn't the point. I knew whatever he thought about it was irrelevant because he didn't know as much about it as I did. Moreover, I began to receive praise and supportive guidance in these areas from other more 'sane' adults -- positive reinforcement.

    In the specific area of physical attraction, objectively I was sort of 'average' looking (maybe a bit better than that although I didn't see it). But what I noticed was when I *felt* attractive (confident in my own attractiveness) other guys noticed me more. On the other hand, when I didn't feel that way, it was like I was invisible.

    So, yeah, I agree. Confidence is an important factor in how people see us but it isn't something that can be turned on and off easily. I can boost my confidence in a lot of ways but, for me at least, there is always an undercurrent of doubt due to the 'curse' my dad put on me as a kid.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    Confidence and arrogance should not be confused.

    One can be confident, yet also modest and humble - positive traits.
    Arrogance is nothing but unappealing and vulgar.

    It is the modest confidence that is the hardest to achieve in life - and also, incidentally, the hardest to find in others.

    I think I am a confident person now, despite the fact that as a youngster I was never particularly praised or encouraged. I was always a bit of a loner and never considered attractive.

    Confidence can develop with age.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:07 PM GMT
    To avoid being dramatic, I've had a pretty rough life (haven't we all). I think being homeless for a year changed my perspective on a lot of things, but it also crushed my confidence and self-worth.

    Today, I'm slowly rebuilding it, and I'm doing AWESOME! You're right: you can't magically gain confidence when you've been put down your whole life, but you can fake it! Seriously, I just started doing little things to make me appear more confident, and in time my body and mind have slowly believed it.

    I think I read a study saying that even if you're having a terrible day, if you force yourself to smile it actually sends dopamine (the chemical that induces happiness) to your body, and you actually can become a lot happier.

    So yeah, fake it till you make it seems legit icon_cool.gif
  • MikeW

    Posts: 6061

    Aug 01, 2013 4:11 PM GMT
    JumpMan_Josh saidSo yeah, fake it till you make it seems legit icon_cool.gif

    I agree, that's basically what you have to do.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:16 PM GMT
    txstud49 said
    What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree or does your opinion differ?

    It's a bit complicated, but once you get the point you'll understand it.
    What's confidence?
    You're 100%(or close to 100%) sure about something that you're going to do accurately (or) you're sure about something you're going to have (or) expect the results as you've guessed...something like that. [Unless you're not arrogant]

    So, to gain confidence 1st we have to do something we're good at, it could be anything...sports, arts, literature, athletics, education, so on and whatever...no person in the world is not good at nothing...each of us have some talent. So once we discover it, we have to improve even further. In this way we'll get confidence at something. Once we get confidence at something, we can get confidence at others too..but to get confidence on others we have to rely on our talent and through our talent we should learn them.

    In this way, as time goes on, one day ugliness doesn't matter. Beauty only blinds the true color, this is why many extremely handsome people are often self-conceited (speaking from my experience)

    The best way to achieve confidence is to try to be self-reliant as much as possible.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:21 PM GMT
    Harry7785 said

    The best way to achieve confidence is to try to be self-reliant as much as possible.


    I agree. I think independence and self-sufficiency is the only thing people depend on.
  • AMoonHawk

    Posts: 11406

    Aug 01, 2013 4:24 PM GMT
    I think for some it is true that beating them down will make them less confident ... but for others it only invigorates the fight in them to prove people wrong ... perhaps it is a personality trait.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:25 PM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidI think for some it is true that beating them down will make them less confident ... but for others it only instills the fight in them to prove people wrong ... perhaps it is a personality trait.


    Maybe
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:38 PM GMT
    Confidence is all about OWNING what you've got, whatever that may be. Maximize your assets and positive qualities (knowing what they are is the first step). You can't be confident if you are not self-aware and introspective.

    There are plenty of "unattactive" or average looking men who do more than fine dating because they have these qualities. Looks ain't everything, y'all.
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:49 PM GMT
    MCB17 saidConfidence is all about OWNING what you've got, whatever that may be. Maximize your assets and positive qualities (knowing what they are is the first step) is the first step. You can't be confident if you are not self-aware and introspective.

    There are plenty of "unattactive" or average looking men who do more than fine dating because they have these qualities. Looks ain't everything, y'all.


    +1
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    Aug 01, 2013 4:56 PM GMT
    I+have+CONFIDENCE+in+me.gif

    You tell me that isn't attractive!
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:00 PM GMT
    Imago Therapy

    For Oprah, Harville Hendrix was the best teacher of validation. Harville developed the Imago Theory, which is that you end up imaging in your adult relationship what you most need to heal from, whether physical or emotional wounds, received in childhood at the hands of your parents or caregivers

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    Aug 01, 2013 5:03 PM GMT
    IceBuckets saidI+have+CONFIDENCE+in+me.gif

    You tell me that isn't attractive!

    lol I was thinking the same thing. Never would have found that gif, though.
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    Aug 01, 2013 5:05 PM GMT
    Hell if there is a physically attractive guy who is shy...well wouldn't that be cute icon_biggrin.gif
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    Aug 01, 2013 6:02 PM GMT
    Experiences can play a role in developing or losing confidence. Me being homeless on and off from 16 to 21 was very demoralizing but the will to push for a better future gave me the confidence that i can overcome anything. If anything I'm pretty calm during high stress situations