On being lonely...

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    Nov 13, 2008 7:11 AM GMT
    I'm going to take this moment to be more open than I might be comfortable doing. But, I know there are some great people here so it feels like the right place to do it.

    I'm lonely. I have been for a long time. I'm in a great relationship, but as far as friend are concerned I dont seem to attract long lasting ones. And to really be specific, I don't really have any gay friends. I know it's both silly and logical to want gay male friends, but I just haven't had much success there. For some reason, in person, they don't like me. I usually don't have a problem with them, but just find that we never end up bonding. There are some I'm ok not being friends with, especially when drama and stereotypical (to the extreme) behaviors become almost their focus in life. But, I really feel like I'm missing something here.

    I have this image in my head of me, maybe my boyfriend, and a few other guys all hanging out. Maybe they're single, maybe they have their boyfriends with them. Images of hiking, movies, camping, shopping, tv, video games... whatever.... they run through my head. Yet, it isn't happening in reality. Do I hold a dream image? Am I desperate?

    I find that the people i attract are girls, specifically girls who are really excited about having a gay friend (i'm sure a lot of you are in the same boat).

    So, i guess i dont have a point other than to express something that was on my mind. Thoughts?
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    Nov 13, 2008 7:52 AM GMT
    yeah, umm, I've found most gay guys aren't worth having as friends... they either want to sleep with you or drag you down into there drama, the few good ones I've kept around though.

    But, most of my mates are straight guys, I don't know why it ended up this way, but it just did, women friends I have only a few of and even then I wouldn't call them a friend beyond the really occasional get together, I mostly feel like there token gay friend so I tend not to hang around with them, or they try to set me up with there other gay friends.

    Apparently, from what I've been told, gay guys don't like me because I come across as arrogant, aloof and intimidating, personally I don't care if I do, so, eh icon_smile.gif

    There are obviously good qualities about you that your boyfriend was attracted too, perhaps your hiding them around other people, which isn't letting them see you as you really are..

    Only other thing I can mention is try to do other stuff that involve gay people, not clubs and shit, but charity work, gay social clubs (sports and so on) thats about the best I can do really, someone I'm sure will have better stuff to say.
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:07 AM GMT
    I've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:15 AM GMT
    jakebenson saidI've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.


    Why do you think that is? Its certainly not your looks (those are nice).
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:18 AM GMT
    Phoenix86 said
    jakebenson saidI've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.


    Why do you think that is? Its certainly not your looks (those are nice).


    A number of things. As of now in Los Angeles I can read people within two dates and get bored of them quickly. I think I need to move.
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:20 AM GMT
    jakebenson said
    Phoenix86 said
    jakebenson saidI've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.


    Why do you think that is? Its certainly not your looks (those are nice).


    A number of things. As of now in Los Angeles I can read people within two dates and get bored of them quickly. I think I need to move.


    I have a twin brother who just moved to LA recently for film school. He's in the same boat as you. He had a million friends up here, but he's so lonely down there and hates the city. He can't wait until the program is over so he can get back to seattle.

    You should move to seattle, too. icon_smile.gif
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:24 AM GMT
    Phoenix86 said
    jakebenson said
    Phoenix86 said
    jakebenson saidI've been lonely all my life. The only redeeming thing about being constantly depressed due to being single is that I make good music from it.


    Why do you think that is? Its certainly not your looks (those are nice).


    A number of things. As of now in Los Angeles I can read people within two dates and get bored of them quickly. I think I need to move.


    I have a twin brother who just moved to LA recently for film school. He's in the same boat as you. He had a million friends up here, but he's so lonely down there and hates the city. He can't wait until the program is over so he can get back to seattle.

    You should move to seattle, too. icon_smile.gif


    oy....

    Seattle hosts some of the most socially introverted lying assholes in the Universe. This is not only from my personal observations growing up there, but even surveys reveal that the Northwest is the most socially reserved place in the US. I could never deal with a bunch of boring introverts. You being an exception tho so don't think this is towards you. Plus I think the Asian population is the ONLY redeeming quality of Seattle. Don't get me wrong, LA is FULL of superficial people. But they're at least exciting superficial people. In Seattle it's full of boring superficial people.

    Anyway, I guess you can see my blunt personality is probably reason I'm single. No one wants to date a guy who speaks out.

    I'm stealing the spotlight.

    You are depressed because SEATTLE is an EXTREMELY depressing city thanks to the social atmosphere and poor transportation system and makes it difficult to be surrounded by like-minded people in close proximity.
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:28 AM GMT
    Maybe I should move to Australia...
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:30 AM GMT
    yeah, Australia is good and even Jake would probably find it appealing, his blunt attitude is pretty bloody tame compared to most aussies

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    Nov 13, 2008 8:31 AM GMT
    ^ I dunno about Australia. Maybe New York or Israel. My personality fits well in those places.
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:33 AM GMT
    you haven't met to many good aussies in person have you...
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    Nov 13, 2008 8:47 AM GMT
    lilTanker saidyou haven't met to many good aussies in person have you...


    nope =( Just a bunch of white deush bags who moved from the mid-west to become actors, latinos who cheat on their boyfriends and say "papi" so much it should be outlawed, and persian Jews who just talk about themselves all day. Of course there are many exceptions tho. ;)
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    Nov 13, 2008 10:16 AM GMT
    jakebenson said
    lilTanker saidyou haven't met to many good aussies in person have you...


    nope =( Just a bunch of white deush bags who moved from the mid-west to become actors, latinos who cheat on their boyfriends and say "papi" so much it should be outlawed, and persian Jews who just talk about themselves all day. Of course there are many exceptions tho. ;)


    Come over, I'll introduce you to a few good Aussies, just come over with a thick skin, we'll pick on you relentlessly until you cry or snap ;)
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    Nov 13, 2008 10:24 AM GMT
    i feel the same way. all my friends are straight and its really difficult to remain friends with gay guys. Im sure theres some great people out there but things never remain platonic and drama always gets in the way. i dont know if i can add much more to that other than ur young and things will come in good time.

    ive kinda given up on the hope of finding someone so i cant please others all the time, im working on pleasing me first and foremost (and by that i mean taking care of myself ... not the sexual innuendo.)

    but it definitely gets lonely. i see all my straight friends in a relationship and i end up being the third wheel. it gets old.
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    Nov 13, 2008 10:24 AM GMT
    What gay friends I have met have been through gay sports leagues. Specifically volleyball and softball. From there we have done other things together such as playing cards. It is hard to meet gay friends through the bar scene. I also find it more difficult to increase one's circle of friends when you are in a relationship, specifically single friends. They are busy trying to find a partner and feel uncomfortable hanging out with couples.

    And I am shocked that Jakebenson is outspoken. icon_eek.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Nov 13, 2008 11:03 AM GMT
    You're trying to fit a gay square peg into a round hole ...

    You say you have this image of yourself
    Sounds to me like it's a pretty good image
    so make that image become a reality
    .... AND STOP trying to make that image a GAY ONE
    Yes you're a gay man but everything that you do doesn't have to be gay
    Hiking isn't gay by definition
    neither are shopping TV or video games

    What I'm trying to say is DO the things You like to do and the friends will come
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    Nov 13, 2008 3:51 PM GMT
    jakebenson said^ I dunno about Australia. Maybe New York or Israel. My personality fits well in those places.


    don't delude yourself, new york is as bad as LA. At least in LA you can just assume that everyone is a self-centered douche bag. In new york, you find out later when its too late.

    *not directed at anyone specifically, well....maybe.
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    Nov 13, 2008 4:03 PM GMT
    Nothing wrong with not having gay friends. Most of my very good friends are straight. These are people I've laughed and cried with and have always been there for me. I have many gay acquaintances but very few gay friends. It has been my experience that a lot of guys want to compete with you, sleep with you or put you down in order for them to look good. I'm not into the drama and the whole bitchiness that surrounds part of our community.
    Sure, gays can relate to each other on a number of issues but don't knock yourself down over not having many friends in the community. As I've come to realize after years of feeling like you, even if it's just two or three REALLY GOOD gay friends, that is all you need, not a whole entourage. And if you have some really good straight friends, then you are double blessed!
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    Nov 13, 2008 4:45 PM GMT
    This is not uncommon at all. We all need a network of friends. It gives us a sense of being well rounded and frankly we don't always have 100% common interests with a partner. It also gives us a sense of security so that there will be someone to turn to if something happens to our partner.

    Currently I have a group of friends like you describe, but there is still something lacking like a best freind confidant. I also would like to have more friends that are straight or women.

    About 10 years ago when I lived in Atlanta, GA, A boyfriend was planning my birthday and he asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I wanted a party with lots of people over even if I did not know the people. I realized what I was really asking for was friends.
  • reliable1

    Posts: 65

    Nov 13, 2008 4:51 PM GMT
    Okay, in Columbus, gay people are easy to get along with in my experience. As are most straight people, for that matter. My personal relationship desert aside, I'm fortunate to have decent friendships, though a schedule not always conducive to getting together with people.

    Everyone gets lonely sometimes and there are plenty of good suggestions here already. As for "moving" to solve loneliness, I've found no matter where I go, there I am. When I'm lonely in a well-populated area after living there a while, I don't see how I'd expect myself to feel less lonely moving to a new place where I don't know anyone. There are sometimes good reasons for moving somewhere else, but I don't see how loneliness is one of them.
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    Nov 13, 2008 4:58 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou're trying to fit a gay square peg into a round hole ...

    You say you have this image of yourself
    Sounds to me like it's a pretty good image
    so make that image become a reality
    .... AND STOP trying to make that image a GAY ONE
    Yes you're a gay man but everything that you do doesn't have to be gay
    Hiking isn't gay by definition
    neither are shopping TV or video games

    What I'm trying to say is DO the things You like to do and the friends will come


    True.

    Also, if you're having problems bonding all the gay guys around you, you might be going after the wrong guys. Or maybe YOU are part of the problem.

    REAL friends are hard to find. That's for certain. But there are great gay guys out there. I'm sure many of the guys on REALJOCK can boast about the friendships they are blessed with. Some of my gay friends are like brothers to me. Last week one of my brothers offered to accompany me to traffic court. I was take aback and asked why he wanted to come along. He said that he hadn't seen me in some time and knew that I'd appreciate the support.

    See how sweet gay friends can be?
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    Nov 13, 2008 5:02 PM GMT
    And always keep in mind the difference between lonely and alone. While they can often travel together, they are not the same thing.
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    Nov 13, 2008 5:05 PM GMT
    GQjock saidYou're trying to fit a gay square peg into a round hole ...

    You say you have this image of yourself
    Sounds to me like it's a pretty good image
    so make that image become a reality
    .... AND STOP trying to make that image a GAY ONE
    Yes you're a gay man but everything that you do doesn't have to be gay
    Hiking isn't gay by definition
    neither are shopping TV or video games

    What I'm trying to say is DO the things You like to do and the friends will come


    Of all the replies, this one makes the most sense. Be yourself, and be patient. One thing I was wondering: have you mentioned this to your your bf/partner (whoever you're in the relationship with).

    I'm a little older, and I've made the transition from "str8"/married/father of three to gay/single/solo and it's very hard. One friend gave me good advice: be open, ask for help, and circle yourself with people who love you.
  • vindog

    Posts: 1440

    Nov 13, 2008 7:55 PM GMT
    I'm pretty happy with my gay friends. I don't have a ton, but one I do have is also into producing electronic music and djing good music.

    not too many into the outdoors, but some other cool social ones.


    Most of my friends are into music, health and having fun.




    My biggest issue is finding a cool partner that lives in my area....or a communicative one who lives reasonably close.


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    Nov 14, 2008 12:09 AM GMT
    Phoenix86 saidI'm going to take this moment to be more open than I might be comfortable doing. But, I know there are some great people here so it feels like the right place to do it.

    I'm lonely. I have been for a long time. I'm in a great relationship, but as far as friend are concerned I dont seem to attract long lasting ones. And to really be specific, I don't really have any gay friends. I know it's both silly and logical to want gay male friends, but I just haven't had much success there. For some reason, in person, they don't like me. I usually don't have a problem with them, but just find that we never end up bonding. There are some I'm ok not being friends with, especially when drama and stereotypical (to the extreme) behaviors become almost their focus in life. But, I really feel like I'm missing something here.

    I have this image in my head of me, maybe my boyfriend, and a few other guys all hanging out. Maybe they're single, maybe they have their boyfriends with them. Images of hiking, movies, camping, shopping, tv, video games... whatever.... they run through my head. Yet, it isn't happening in reality. Do I hold a dream image? Am I desperate?

    I find that the people i attract are girls, specifically girls who are really excited about having a gay friend (i'm sure a lot of you are in the same boat).

    So, i guess i dont have a point other than to express something that was on my mind. Thoughts?


    I've had a chronic problem with loneliness since high school. I have a couple of friends but they are usually busy with their lives. Sometime ago I realized that this state I'm in is mostly my fault.

    "Problem #1"

    I'm different. Period. My personality is peculiar. I'm different from many straight people, I'm different from many gay people. I like to go out, drink, party, but when the usual crowd meets me outside the clubs, they are bewildered by how "strange" I am in daily life. My music tastes are out of the normal, my tv viewing tastes are out of the normal, my politics are weird, and as funny as people find me and own longing for community, I refuse to try and be anything else.

    "Problem #2"

    I don't go out of my way to interact with groups.

    "Problem #3"
    Eventually, I become needy. I demand loyalty and I go out of my way to show loyalty to my friends but after being crossed after, perhaps twice, you're officially on my shit list and you can go fuck yourself.

    Maybe you can relate to this list.

    My advice? Get. Out.

    Seriously.

    Go to more group oriented places. I can't remember going to a show (band) I really liked without meeting cool people. Sports? Join a team. Video games? Tournaments. Gym? Fitness group.

    I know it might sound like I don't get it but if I didn't Get Out, I'd be sitting around sobbing about how lonely I am.

    Now whenever I'm alone, I'm in rapture, enjoying the Me time I'm getting.