For guys who once had a partner a long time ago.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2013 11:42 AM GMT
    This post is for guys who have had a relationship but a lot of time has past and they have not found someone or don't want no one. ( A lot of time is whatever feels long time spanned to you as a person.)

    How important is sex and companionship to you? Are relationships overrated? Have you been single a long time? Do you ever feel like you have gotten to a point in life when you don't care anymore about having a companion or finding a significant other? Do you ever feel like so much time has passed that you start to devalue what its like to date/be steady and coupled? Do you prefer to sex hook up and/or masturbate until you die as needed, and settle with not making a sexual/emotional bond and dedication to anyone due to either not finding someone or not wanting anyone? Has it been so long since you've dated that you don't desire it as much as you use to, or maybe you never did? Do you desire strongly to share your life day to day with a boyfriend/husband/partner? Do you want to be alone because you've grown comfortable with yourself at settling for what is, and/or comfortable living a single life? Have you grown comfort in the life long bachelor idealism or accepting living non-coupled and needing no one for the rest of your life? Or maybe has your life become busy and distracting to fulfill you to where you don't feel the need of a life companion/BF/partner/husband?

    Please for those it applies to... your thoughts?
  • hins108

    Posts: 4

    Aug 08, 2013 1:27 PM GMT
    Such bitter sweet thing being in a relationship, when you're in one I just want out. Now that I'm not in one I yearn for it, sometimes quite badly because it gets so depressing being by yourself. I cry to think that I'll be by myself for the rest of my life, since many of those in society don't except for what I am and sneers and jeers that I'm gay.

    But whatever it is, in the very end, have to say to ourselves it's okay.
  • mr_bijae

    Posts: 229

    Aug 08, 2013 3:51 PM GMT
    This is a great and very interesting topic. I had a SO for several years, bought a house together, got cheated on, sold the house, yaddie yadda. I spent a few years healing before entering the dating pool again. I'm not good at online dating and I do not go to bars very often so I found it all very frustrating.

    Somewhere in all of the "swing and miss" at dating, I actually found myself to be happiest when I'm doing my own thing. I guess it's a level of maturity, where you get the point where you enjoy your own company and don't need to share it with some one else. There are times I wish I had a partner to share things with, but I have very good friends that fill that need. They actually prefer me single because I spoil them the way I would a partner.

    I move around a lot and don't have a community to rely on for social needs. I have friends all over the country and get to spend time with them. But for the most part I don't crave the constant companionship of a partner. As for sex I've tried a few hookups and they scratch the itch every now and again mostly it's just the fleshjack or right hand. I will say I've hired an escort a couple times and that was worth the experience. They are on time, attentive, and a sure thing. In the end they cost a lot less than dating icon_lol.gif

    I don't know about others, but I'm very comfortable being single. I wouldn't pass up the opportunity if some one and I click and we started dating. It just hasn't happened in a long while and I'm perfectly okay with that.
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    Aug 08, 2013 4:17 PM GMT
    hins108 saidSuch bitter sweet thing being in a relationship, when you're in one I just want out. Now that I'm not in one I yearn for it, sometimes quite badly because it gets so depressing being by yourself. I cry to think that I'll be by myself for the rest of my life, since many of those in society don't except for what I am and sneers and jeers that I'm gay.

    But whatever it is, in the very end, have to say to ourselves it's okay.


    I'm not the least bit depressed about being single. I'm perfectly happy single. I was very miserable in one relationship. I was quite happily married twice. They just didn't work out.

    The last real "live together/lover/BF" was a long time ago....2000. I've dated recently but it wasn't quite right to go the extra mile. Sex is fun still, better than ever actuallyicon_eek.gif

    Even at 57 I'm in no hurry to find a man to settle down with. I'd rather be alone than settle.
  • Fargo

    Posts: 144

    Aug 08, 2013 8:00 PM GMT
    Maintaining a relationship is not easy, it's an uphill battle especially as the years go by. Very few have the patience and sacrifices required in a relationship. While I've been in a relationship for more than 3 years now (not significant I know), we ended up being separated a few times but we managed to get back despite all indications. This might seem like a cliche, but if you're insanely in love with someone, you'd sacrifice everything to be with him.
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    Aug 08, 2013 8:54 PM GMT
    I've dated a few good men for a long time. I have no idea what could have transpired if I hadn't relocated and left them behind. I formed "partnerships" with two men. I admit that I "settled" when I partnered with them. Both men had little propensity for commitment and even less integrity. Both of them lasted a long time and looking back, I can only ask myself... "What was I thinking?"

    I had lost most all my childhood friends by the time I partnered with the second man. I had recently moved to Houston from San Francisco. I was on a "break" from all the pain and suffering and death that I had witnessed. I met a man and stayed in Houston. He was ten years younger than I. He had betrayed every partner in his past. He was not capable of sustaining a relationship. It took me about five years to realize that he had never honored his commitments to me.

    I relocated and started a new life. I was happily single for a few years. I was interested in capturing economic security once again; and, frankly was deeply injured by the betrayal.

    I had relocated to DC and eventually emerged ready to re-engage men. None of the relationships I cultivated were successful as partnerships. I was unwilling then, and unwilling now to ever "settle" again.

    I had worked hard on my own mental, emotional, and spiritual health and was no longer interested in the shallow, emotionally-challenged, socially delayed men I met.

    I relocated to Baltimore and bought a house. I became involved in the community. I met many psycho-socially delayed, self-hating, closeted, confused, gay men who all wanted more of me than they were willing to give of themselves.

    I retired and moved to Florida in 2007. I am happy, productive, busy, engaged in community; and, NOT interested in the drama/trauma that most gay men offer relationships. It has been 15-20 years since I was partnered.

    I had always considered another partnership possible until one day... I realized that inviting another gay man into my life presented NO clear advantage or expected reward.

    I am not bitter or tainted or warped. And I have no desire to be partnered.

    And as for sex... I've experienced REAL sex. An intense spiritual trans-formative experience that only becomes more with time. An expanding experience of love, admiration, respect, and trust. When absent becomes an ache so deep in my soul that I thought I would not survive.

    Trade that for a gay used car salesmen with no integrity and no awareness of his own soul? For a few moments that are followed by many moments of sorrow, disappointment, and regret?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 08, 2013 9:18 PM GMT
    All great post so far. Thanks everyone. Thanks mr_bijae and BrashOne for opening up and sharing some life stories.
    Its enlightening reading someones life lessons. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 08, 2013 9:28 PM GMT
    Integrity11 saidDo you desire strongly to share your life day to day with a boyfriend/husband/partner? Do want to be alone because you've grown comfortable with yourself at settling for what is, and/or comfortable living a single life? Have you grown comfort in the life long bachelor idealism or accepting living non-coupled and needing no one for the rest of your life? Or maybe has your life become busy and distracting to fulfill you to where you don't feel the need of a life companion/BF/partner/husband?

    Please for those it applies to... your thoughts?

    Last night my husband related to someone about his being single for 16 years, following his late partner's AIDS death. And that he never thought he'd be partnered again, single for the rest of his life. His partner's death had devastated him, as my own first partner's death from AIDS had devastated me.

    And he told how he met me, when he was 72, assuming he was too old for yet another go. I'm partner #3 for him, while he's #2 for me. We've been together over 6 years now. I won't repeat the lovely things he said about our relationship last night, I actually held my ears for part of it from embarrassment, nor repeat here what I also said about him. Our living together is evidence enough of our feelings for each other.

    I'm the marrying kind, and I guess he is, too. Not every guy is, and that's fine. But my life is empty without a man in my life, lying next to me in bed every night, being with me wherever I go, my constant loving companion.

    To answer your specific questions: relationships are never overrated, to those who want them. To those who don't want them relationships have little value. The art is in knowing your own true feelings, and not being persuaded by the feelings of others.

    Some will find their greatest happiness alone. Some will find their greatest happiness in the company of a lover (as in my case). Neither answer is right or wrong, so long as it's right for YOU.

    The only tough part is knowing which kind of person you are. And resisting societal pressures trying to tell you to be the one or the other.

    Sometimes the hardest thing in life is knowing our own heart. Everyone wants to tell us, but very few can ever solve the puzzle for us. And when the guy comes along who has that true solution, who holds the key to our heart, I think even some of the most independent of us will open up to him, and make him our special guy.
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    Aug 08, 2013 9:34 PM GMT
    Wow Deco, just wow. That was encouraging and enlightening. Thanks for that.
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    Aug 09, 2013 12:29 AM GMT
    Been basically single for five years after my last of 11 (monogamous).

    Perhaps in time I could figure out how to be happy aloneā€¦ Without a partner. Generally speaking I think I'm the partner type, and I think it tends to bring out the best in me, and hopefully I bring out the best in my partner. I think my dad is kind of the same way whereas my mom is more of a loner. They've been divorced since I was young, and my dad has generally serial dated, and eventually remarried. My mom, for the most part, has been single afterwards - which I think is kinda sad.

    Maybe it's a chemical thing, or perhaps psychological - I don't know. I have always felt I was destined to be partnered, and I won't give up on that idea. Nor do I subscribe to the idea there is only ONE person out there. Not sayings it's 'easy' - it's timing, desire, and numbers.
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    Aug 09, 2013 12:59 AM GMT
    My last serious relationship ended 2 years ago, a long time considering I've only been out for 3 years, and had dated him for less than half a year. We still hang out every week as close friends.

    I didn't leave him for anyone, but chose singleness rather than date someone who I realized wasn't compatible with my values.

    After a couple of flings with some embarrassingly-ugly guys, my ex ended up with a new boyfriend who I had rejected in the past, who turned out to be a really nice person and is now part of our inner circle.

    I went on to have a couple of month-long flings with some really attractive guys (one who was worthy of a serious relationship), but just my luck all three of them were just about to move elsewhere for school. I've been approached by others over the last 2 years, guys whom I would have been willing to date 3 years ago, but it seems like my standards have gone way up since then.

    My mentality right now is either a fling with someone really hot, or relationship-wise wait for someone who is the complete package.
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    Aug 09, 2013 10:14 AM GMT
    I've been single for almost four years now. I thought for a long time, that it was my fault I'm single. After some deep thought, I realise that I'm entitled to have standards, regardless of how incredibly high. It just means that when someone worthwhile does come around, they'll be all the more special. Sure, I have my share of mental damage, but quite frankly, who doesn't!?!? It's human to have issues, it's otherwise to pretend that you don't.
    All in all, I'm very happy just being myself, putting on the best damn Araneidude show that I can. I do feel left out when my friends go out on couples' nights, but what I do not feel is deprived. Sex is something I do not over-prioritise so I'm doing pretty good by myself! So what if I'm almost 20, single and still a virgin? There are more important things I'd like to focus on.
    Cheers!
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    Aug 09, 2013 10:39 AM GMT
    How important is sex and companionship to you?

    (1) I think we all need to love and be loved.

    (2) We are sexual beings, but meaningless sex is unsatisfying and promiscuous sex is like asking for an incurable virus.


    Are relationships overrated?

    Same answer as (1) above.

    Have you been single a long time?

    Recently spent three years dedicated to care giving for a parent. That's like a 24-by-7 deal which isn't very compatible with dating or a relationship.

    Do you ever feel like you have gotten to a point in life when you don't care anymore about having a companion or finding a significant other? Do you ever feel like so much time has passed that you start to devalue what its like to date/be steady and coupled?

    Same answer as (1) above.

    Do you prefer to sex hook up and/or masturbate until you die as needed, and settle with not making a sexual/emotional bond and dedication to anyone due to either not finding someone or not wanting anyone?

    Hook-up sex is easy to get, but not satisfying like relationship sex. Solitary sex seems a little desperate.

    Has it been so long since you've dated that you don't desire it as much as you use to, or maybe you never did?

    Dating is exciting, especially a date that starts with tennis.

    Do you desire strongly to share your life day to day with a boyfriend/husband/partner?

    Same answer as (1) above.

    Do want to be alone because you've grown comfortable with yourself at settling for what is, and/or comfortable living a single life?

    Same answer as (1) above, but as others have noted: being alone is better than being in a dysfunctional relationship.

    Have you grown comfort in the life long bachelor idealism or accepting living non-coupled and needing no one for the rest of your life? Or maybe has your life become busy and distracting to fulfill you to where you don't feel the need of a life companion/BF/partner/husband?

    Same answer as (1) above.

    Please for those it applies to... your thoughts?

    Being uneasy about not being in a relationship seems normal, even healthy.