Online dating: What am I doing wrong?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    This is how I do online dating:

    If I find someone interesting/attractive, I send them a simple message saying asking, "how are you doing?"
    If he is interested, I get reply and then we continue with the normal introduction and the usual.

    Until now, all the time it's me who asks whether they want to meet in real or not, I don't even remember last time when a guy asked me to meet. Sometimes they run away but some stay. Then they will say how they are busy and we can be in touch. They never get back to you and I lose interest. I even tried to re-initiate the connection but then the same "busy" issue comes up.
    I give up so that I don't come across as desperate.

    Is there certain time period after only which it's normal to ask someone out?
    Did I come across as desperate or what?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 5:04 PM GMT
    You're doing nothing wrong.
    Online dating doesn't work and noboby knows why.
  • Trauts

    Posts: 1012

    Aug 09, 2013 5:16 PM GMT
    Maybe they're only interested in having chatting online, rather than meeting you for a date. If they were interested in the latter, they would schedule something with you, or at least offer an alternative date if they were busy. icon_smile.gif
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    Aug 09, 2013 5:54 PM GMT
    I don't see anything your doing "wrong". It seems to be the same everywhere, US, Europe etc.

    You CAN meet people online. Is this a dating site like match.com or more like A4A sex sites? Sex sites are easier...as are the men lol. But even there you can meet and develope some sort of relationship.

    If it is a dating site people are pickier. They are looking for a match on more levels. And you should be too....wait till you find someone YOU really click with. Nothing wrong with being a little agressive if you like the guy, and there's mutual chemistry, but if it's just to have a date I'd back off. Patience!
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    Aug 09, 2013 6:39 PM GMT
    Trauts saidMaybe they're only interested in having chatting online, rather than meeting you for a date. If they were interested in the latter, they would schedule something with you, or at least offer an alternative date if they were busy. icon_smile.gif

    Forget about alternative date, I go to the level of adjusting myself according to their availability. I do get the fact that people aren't sitting idle (even if they are, they will pretend they don't) still they got to be meeting other guys.
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    Aug 09, 2013 6:44 PM GMT
    unckabasa saidI don't see anything your doing "wrong". It seems to be the same everywhere, US, Europe etc.

    You CAN meet people online. Is this a dating site like match.com or more like A4A sex sites? Sex sites are easier...as are the men lol. But even there you can meet and develope some sort of relationship.

    If it is a dating site people are pickier. They are looking for a match on more levels. And you should be too....wait till you find someone YOU really click with. Nothing wrong with being a little agressive if you like the guy, and there's mutual chemistry, but if it's just to have a date I'd back off. Patience!

    It's called Planetromeo, more like dating site, people do look for sex there.
    Yeah sex part is easier. I am not really looking for a relationship but just to meet, drinks and if we like each other then sex.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    Aug 09, 2013 6:51 PM GMT
    unckabasa said...You CAN meet people online. Is this a dating site like match.com or more like A4A sex sites? Sex sites are easier...as are the men lol...



    I'd rather find BOTH (dating AND sex) in the same man.

    Is their a site for THAT?

    After 5 1/2 years with the same man I am woefully out-of-touch and out of practice.


    icon_eek.gif
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    Aug 09, 2013 7:13 PM GMT
    airforcelungs saidonline dating is blah blah. you actually have guys writing in their profiles how you are supposed to introduce yourself to them talking about "you have to say something interesting to me in order for me to drop a sentence back to you. you can't say hi, hello, hey, how are you doing. talk to me about aspects of myself so you can see my socialization skills." if you're able to get these guys to say something back to you from just saying "hi, how are you doing?", then you obviously aren't doing something wrong. it's just them being flakey which is not your fault at all.



    Couldn't agree more. And for most guys, there rules about contact change depending on how hot the guys look. And getting people to commit to something they've already agreed to is hard. When you have to deal with these people, just move on. Don't get too invested in them. You'll thank yourself for this
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    Aug 09, 2013 7:49 PM GMT
    airforcelungs saidonline dating is blah blah. you actually have guys writing in their profiles how you are supposed to introduce yourself to them talking about "you have to say something interesting to me in order for me to drop a sentence back to you. you can't say hi, hello, hey, how are you doing. talk to me about aspects of myself so you can see my socialization skills." if you're able to get these guys to say something back to you from just saying "hi, how are you doing?", then you obviously aren't doing something wrong. it's just them being flakey which is not your fault at all.

    Yeah I just ignore those guys.
    I am not really into bars/clubs that much, so this is the only way I can date. Once in a while going to bar/clubs can be fun but I enjoy sleeping way too much to sacrifice it for a night at bar.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 7:54 PM GMT
    rnch said
    unckabasa said...You CAN meet people online. Is this a dating site like match.com or more like A4A sex sites? Sex sites are easier...as are the men lol...



    I'd rather find BOTH (dating AND sex) in the same man.

    Is their a site for THAT?

    After 5 1/2 years with the same man I am woefully out-of-touch and out of practice.


    icon_eek.gif

    Go ahead try any dating website, date and sex aren't mutually exclusive.
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:29 PM GMT
    Bharatiya said I am not really looking for a relationship but just to meet, drinks and if we like each other then sex.


    If you're not looking for a relationship, then go on Grindr, throw on a trashy torso pic, and make your headline "Looking".

    And if you don't like going to the main places that gay guys hang out, you can expect not to meet very many gay guys. I like to say, "If you want to catch a fish, you're going to have to go out on the lake."
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:40 PM GMT
    The problem of just saying *Hi, how you doing* is just that, I mean it's an intro and all but it doesn't really come far more than that. I recently been chatting with 2 guys on OK cupid that started off like this, When they messaged me, I tried to be polite and reply, so my light won't be RED (very selectively/appear to be intimidating) Lol. I mean, I throw out what they throw out. Moreover, I feel like they should let me know more about themselves when I have a full profile! I lose interest very quickly because there are so many hotties on the site and my profile has been consistently visited, so I guess I am not that desperate for a bf. But being nice, civil, talking to someone sure I can do that but he needs to be engaging and keep me interested. Otherwise, nah!!! Next. But yeah I do admit most of the times, it comes down to what you look like and if you're feeling him or not. Just remember to stay neutral, detached and emotionally distanced because after all, you don't know him! It's not like you already met and fucked! icon_redface.gificon_cool.gif
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    Aug 09, 2013 10:07 PM GMT
    socalx10 saidThe problem of just saying *Hi, how you doing* is just that, I mean it's an intro and all but it doesn't really come far more than that. I recently been chatting with 2 guys on OK cupid that started off like this, When they messaged me, I tried to be polite and reply, so my light won't be RED (very selectively/appear to be intimidating) Lol. I mean, I throw out what they throw out. Moreover, I feel like they should let me know more about themselves when I have a full profile! I lose interest very quickly because there are so many hotties on the site and my profile has been consistently visited, so I guess I am not that desperate for a bf. But being nice, civil, talking to someone sure I can do that but he needs to be engaging and keep me interested. Otherwise, nah!!! Next. But yeah I do admit most of the times, it comes down to what you look like and if you're feeling him or not. Just remember to stay neutral, detached and emotionally distanced because after all, you don't know him! It's not like you already met and fucked! icon_redface.gificon_cool.gif


    Yeah I agree on that. It's not that someone has to say X or Y for me to reply, but that typing out messages to try to get to know someone takes time, and I'm too lazy to carry the conversation if they themselves appear to not put in any effort. I almost never reply to stuff like "What's up", unless, of course, the guy is really really attractive icon_razz.gif But I almost always reply in some way if someone seems to have put effort in their message.
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:03 PM GMT
    Larkin said
    Bharatiya said I am not really looking for a relationship but just to meet, drinks and if we like each other then sex.


    If you're not looking for a relationship, then go on Grindr, throw on a trashy torso pic, and make your headline "Looking".

    And if you don't like going to the main places that gay guys hang out, you can expect not to meet very many gay guys. I like to say, "If you want to catch a fish, you're going to have to go out on the lake."

    So either quick sex or relationship, there is no mid way?icon_confused.gif
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:11 PM GMT
    socalx10 saidThe problem of just saying *Hi, how you doing* is just that, I mean it's an intro and all but it doesn't really come far more than that. I recently been chatting with 2 guys on OK cupid that started off like this, When they messaged me, I tried to be polite and reply, so my light won't be RED (very selectively/appear to be intimidating) Lol. I mean, I throw out what they throw out. Moreover, I feel like they should let me know more about themselves when I have a full profile! I lose interest very quickly because there are so many hotties on the site and my profile has been consistently visited, so I guess I am not that desperate for a bf. But being nice, civil, talking to someone sure I can do that but he needs to be engaging and keep me interested. Otherwise, nah!!! Next. But yeah I do admit most of the times, it comes down to what you look like and if you're feeling him or not. Just remember to stay neutral, detached and emotionally distanced because after all, you don't know him! It's not like you already met and fucked! icon_redface.gificon_cool.gif

    That's just the intro line but I do try to have a meaningful conversation from my side and if I see the other side's reply is an one liner, I drop the conversation myself.
    It's only when I feel the other side is as interested as me I try to bring up the point of meeting in real. So if someone isn't interested in me, I am not going to ask him for a date.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:12 PM GMT
    don't have high expectations
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:14 PM GMT
    You're doing nothing wrong. It's just the nature of the game. You're cute, it's not you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 7:20 AM GMT
    Online dating isnt really the best and i dont think you are doing anything wrong.
    Ive messaged a guy on grindr a couple of times but he never responds. Bumped into him in a bar few weeks ago,we made eye contact and smiled as we recognized each other from grindr. We had a little chat, exchanged numbers and we been chatting ever since.

    Traditional way of meeting one on one is still the best despite the presence of internet.
  • MikemikeMike

    Posts: 6932

    Aug 10, 2013 7:52 AM GMT
    Not sure what the dating is like in the Netherlands, but I would never look to the internet for a relationship. I think if you have good social skills and take care of yourself the rest will follow. Isn't there any gay interest groups there? Sports activities? I don't think everyone likes the bar scene. I am sure you're not alone in that feeling.

    Also men are more visually driven sex wise than woman.
    From the movie Field of Dreams.."If you build it they will come"
    Meaning here and for this post. If you build a solid/nice bod men will take notice. icon_idea.gificon_idea.gif Sad but true fact of life.

    Get out from behind the computer and get to the gym. You will thank me for it!!
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    Aug 10, 2013 8:38 AM GMT
    MikemikeMike saidNot sure what the dating is like in the Netherlands, but I would never look to the internet for a relationship. I think if you have good social skills and take care of yourself the rest will follow. Isn't there any gay interest groups there? Sports activities? I don't think everyone likes the bar scene. I am sure you're not alone in that feeling.

    Also men are more visually driven sex wise than woman.
    From the movie Field of Dreams.."If you build it they will come"
    Meaning here and for this post. If you build a solid/nice bod men will take notice. icon_idea.gificon_idea.gif Sad but true fact of life.

    Get out from behind the computer and get to the gym. You will thank me for it!!

    It may not be very visible yet but I do go to the gym, very regularly. I got good amount of attention during the pride icon_razz.gif
    I also tried to find some gay activity group but haven't found one yet. I am working on that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 8:58 AM GMT
    JohnSpotter saidYou're doing nothing wrong.
    Online dating doesn't work and noboby knows why.


    Someday i'll post my theory...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 9:49 PM GMT
    1) A generic opening message won't impress the guy. You could spam the same "sup" or "how are you?" message to the closest 50,000 guys.
    You will be better off saying something about one of his interests.

    2) Keep the first few messages fun and playful. You could ask questions to engage the guy, something that will require more than a "yes" or "no" answer.

    3) If things are going well, plan to meet in person within a few days.
    If you spend too much time messaging, chances are you won't meet in person.

    Make it clear that you're looking for something casual.
    You might have a hard time with this. The guys who want a relationship might think that they'd be wasting their time with you. The guys who want sex would rather meet someone for sex rather than wasting time going for drinks and chatting beforehand.
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    Aug 11, 2013 8:24 AM GMT
    Macaque said1)

    Make it clear that you're looking for something casual.
    You might have a hard time with this. The guys who want a relationship might think that they'd be wasting their time with you. The guys who want sex would rather meet someone for sex rather than wasting time going for drinks and chatting beforehand.

    Yeah, that's my conclusion also.
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    Aug 11, 2013 8:33 AM GMT
    Larkin said
    Bharatiya said I am not really looking for a relationship but just to meet, drinks and if we like each other then sex.


    If you're not looking for a relationship, then go on Grindr, throw on a trashy torso pic, and make your headline "Looking".

    And if you don't like going to the main places that gay guys hang out, you can expect not to meet very many gay guys. I like to say, "If you want to catch a fish, you're going to have to go out on the lake."


    Truer words ...

    Seriously, what is the operational definition of insanity? You know it doesn't work. Time for Plan B, and I don't mean RU486.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 11, 2013 8:40 AM GMT
    principal0 said
    Larkin said
    Bharatiya said I am not really looking for a relationship but just to meet, drinks and if we like each other then sex.


    If you're not looking for a relationship, then go on Grindr, throw on a trashy torso pic, and make your headline "Looking".

    And if you don't like going to the main places that gay guys hang out, you can expect not to meet very many gay guys. I like to say, "If you want to catch a fish, you're going to have to go out on the lake."


    Truer words ...

    Seriously, what is the operational definition of insanity? You know it doesn't work. Time for Plan B, and I don't mean RU486.

    Scruff :
    (After I just woke up)
    Guy: "I want to have sex"
    Me: "Okay, let's meet"
    Guy: "I only have next 2 hours"
    Me: "I just woke up, can't we meet later?"
    Guy: "Bye"

    Club:
    Guy: "I want to suck you"
    Me: "Okay"
    Guy: "Let's go to the cubicle"
    Me: "No, let's go to my place"
    Guy: "Bye"