Neg dating poz (But not this subject again)

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 6:59 PM GMT
    So I was set up on a blind date by a good friend, we decided to meet out for dinner.
    The first thing we did when we introduced ourselves was lock lips, crazy I know.. The whole restaurant was watching. I am not one to believe in love at first sight, but this was.. For both.
    We continued to date, then on our third date he revealed his status. I know this must be extremely difficult especially with the instant connection we had. Honestly it's not an issue for me, never has been. I am a true believer that one never knows when or where his true love will be found, or who that person will be.
    So it was no issue for me..
    We had the most amazing courting period, this guy was so much fun no matter what we were doing or where.
    Now 5 month's later I get a text, then a call saying it just was not working out. I was stunned, and baffled at the same time. Where was this coming from, as the relationship could not be any more perfect up to that point.
    Anyway.. He continued to explain that up until me he only dated Poz guy's and sexually found he and I were not compatible since he only liked unprotected sex. And that that is not something he and I could never do. He felt he was cheating himself and was unfulfilled sexually by being with me.
    I was crushed.. and it ended because I was neg..?
    Who would leave such a great relationship just because he had to practice being safe ? Something that's normal for most gay men..
    I was and still am crushed beyond belief by this, am I wrong to feel this way ?
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    Aug 09, 2013 8:56 PM GMT
    This is a really interesting story. You don't usually see it from this angle.

    I can see it from both perspectives. My sympathy is with you, although I can see where he's coming from. I've read for many men with HIV, having unprotected sex without guilt is the only benefit they get out of living with the virus.

    Still. If the guy would rather throw away true love to pursue bareback sex then you dodged a bullet.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 8:59 PM GMT
    If his feelings for you were strong enough, he would want you to remain healthy, happy, and with him. That said, I also know what it is like to live in a sexless relationship, and that blows eternally. Some people are limited. He is clearly a one trick pony in bed, and that is too bad, because there is so much fun to be had in so many ways.

    Feeling hurt is not wrong here. Of course you feel hurt. It sucks when someone seems so right to you and it turns out all wrong. I would take a little time to myself for a while, then move on with dating someone new.

    I'm dating a guy who is HIV+ and I am neg. It can work, but we're still figuring it out, too.
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:01 PM GMT
    I am sorry to hear that, I honestly find this story a little strange because it is usually the other way around. I am poz and I know that having unprotected sex with another poz guy is really dangerous because there are several strand of the HIV virus; not just one.
    Anyways, I am terribly sorry to hear about that and I really hope that you will able to find someone that loves as much as you love them.

    Take Care
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:43 PM GMT
    JeffSGV saidIf his feelings for you were strong enough, he would want you to remain healthy, happy, and with him.

    Yeah, I read JDR62's post thinking maybe the other guy was hoping JDR would eventually just not bother playing safer any longer. And that's obviously not cool.
    It's that guy's choice if he needs to stick with poz only, but the time delay in deciding was a little concerning.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:45 PM GMT
    Agreed with others - strange story.

    You are better off without him. I know that's cliche but if a condom is a dealbreaker for a relationship, then this guy isn't quite as deep as you and you are not a match. He's entitled to feel that way and date guys like him - he's just not for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 9:54 PM GMT
    "But not this subject again" - we actually don't have many threads on this subject here. I hope we have more since, as with any HIV/STI-related subject, there's great flame war potential.
  • TroyAthlete

    Posts: 4269

    Aug 09, 2013 10:10 PM GMT
    seanp7 saidAgreed with others - strange story.

    You are better off without him. I know that's cliche but if a condom is a dealbreaker for a relationship, then this guy isn't quite as deep as you and you are not a match. He's entitled to feel that way and date guys like him - he's just not for you.


    This.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 10:31 PM GMT
    Seems as if it's a good thing for you in the long run. If he was really in love, then safe sex would not have been a problem for him. Anyone who is selfish like that isn't really worth the time.
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    Aug 09, 2013 11:18 PM GMT
    I think it's a reasonable decision. Though if he knew he was poz when he met you, it would've been nice if it didn't take him 5 months to figure this out, but at least he was honest with you. The relationship would start off with limits. He probably just didn't wanna start something he knew couldn't go but so far. Sex is a big part of a relationship.

    Also, now that marriage is becoming an option, some guys may be factoring that into these decisions because most married couples go raw. Knowing you could never raw fuck your spouse would suck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:22 PM GMT
    if he dropped you for these reasons you know that he is not the right person!!! dont dwell over it, time to pick up and move on
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 09, 2013 11:30 PM GMT
    We were always safe, and he was very cautious, more than anything I think he was uncomfortable every time we were intimate because he was afraid for me. He was very healthy, took all his med's, undetectable etc.
    But I think the stress or worrying every time we had sex that he would infect me got the best of him and it was not enjoyable for him.
    So I kind of get that, just sad because there is more to a relationship than sex.
  • metta

    Posts: 39107

    Aug 10, 2013 12:15 AM GMT
    ^
    Are you guys still friends?
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    Aug 10, 2013 12:18 AM GMT
    metta8 said^
    Are you guys still friends?

    No he cut off all ties.. Facebook, blocked phone etc..
    I asked why, he said he didn't want to hear or see about me being with anyone else.
    Sad...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 12:20 AM GMT
    I am sorry this has happened to you. What a shame. Really he should be using a condom with anyone he has sex with whether pos or neg. HIV treatment typically requires at least 3 antivirals to keep the virus at bay. It would really suck for him or his pos partners to be on a consistent regimen that is working that becomes resistant to one or more of the drugs one or the other are on because they do not want to use a condom. They very well may have different drug sensitivities.
  • Wolfdaddy

    Posts: 57

    Aug 10, 2013 12:29 AM GMT
    I have friends that are Neg/poz that have been together for 23 years.
    I also know a neg /poz couple that have been together less than 2 years
    The neg guy takes the HIV drug Truvada. I asked my Doctor (a leading AIDS researcher) about Truvada. He says that a neg guy can have unprotected sex with his poz partner and not worry about becoming Poz.
    Talk to your Doctor about Truvada.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 12:37 AM GMT
    that absolutely sucks. i'm sorry to hear it. people like you are few and far between, and he missed out on a great thing.

    as an hiv+ person, i'd like to say i understand his point of view. bear with me here. sure, who doesn't want to have natural (sic. unprotected) sex with no barriers or limits? but, but the same token, who doesn't want to hold onto love when one has found it, knowing how truly rare it is to have a deep and meaningful connection with someone else?

    there's no rationalising it, so don't beat yourself up too much. it was out of your own control, and clearly he has some inner constraints that he is working with, which were unknown to you. you have the true heart, and this is something that the right person will cherish.

    try not to let it tarnish your future interactions with other people. this was a rarity, and it shouldn't be held up as the example from which others are compared.

    good luck.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    Aug 10, 2013 1:07 AM GMT
    Here in San Francisco, this is really common. It's happened to me a number of times. I meet a great guy who is poz, but he doesn't want to have more than a few dates, because he wants to date someone he can bareback with.

    I think there may be more to this than sex though, I think they want a companion that can understand what their life is like.
  • metta

    Posts: 39107

    Aug 10, 2013 1:09 AM GMT
    JDR62 said
    metta8 said^
    Are you guys still friends?

    No he cut off all ties.. Facebook, blocked phone etc..
    I asked why, he said he didn't want to hear or see about me being with anyone else.
    Sad...


    Sigh....I'm sorry!
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    Aug 10, 2013 1:16 AM GMT
    tuckers_kahuna saidHere in San Francisco, this is really common. It's happened to me a number of times. I meet a great guy who is poz, but he doesn't want to have more than a few dates, because he wants to date someone he can bareback with.

    I think there may be more to this than sex though, I think they want a companion that can understand what their life is like.


    A true companion/partner will understand everything about you, accept everything, good or bad. Then make it all better. Nothing more beautiful than a man who loves another man unconditionally.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 1:34 AM GMT
    Sadly I have known of a few relationships with a poz and neg guy, and it's always been the neg guy who called it off, for a few different reasons, but not all different to yours.
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    Aug 10, 2013 1:43 AM GMT
    Wolfdaddy saidI have friends that are Neg/poz that have been together for 23 years.
    I also know a neg /poz couple that have been together less than 2 years
    The neg guy takes the HIV drug Truvada. I asked my Doctor (a leading AIDS researcher) about Truvada. He says that a neg guy can have unprotected sex with his poz partner and not worry about becoming Poz.
    Talk to your Doctor about Truvada.


    If a person is using Truvada for preexposure prophylaxis you definitely should still use a condom. This was indicated in the Truvada PEP study published in the New England Journal of Medicine (Dec 2010). The Truvada package insert says the following: TRUVADA is indicated in combination with safer sex practices for pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) to reduce the risk of sexually acquired HIV-1 in adults at high risk.

    I wish I could attach the NEJM article, but my copy is for personal use only. The use of Truvada with sex safe practices (condoms) reduce the incidence of HIV infection 44%. This study was done in the US, Peru, Ecuador, Thailand, South Africa, Brazil and if compliance was better the reduction may have been greater. Although I wish it was, Truvada is not 100% effective in preventing HIV infection.

    If a neg partner got infected while taking Truvada without using a condom after a physician recommended that a condom is not necessary he/she opened the door to getting sued.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 1:48 AM GMT
    Men are Flakes.
    Clearly he had other issues, as this sounds just stupid.
  • LJay

    Posts: 11612

    Aug 10, 2013 1:56 AM GMT
    Not a right or wrong thing. It is sad that ou both have lost a friend, but I think you have to respect his concern and also try to understand the tension he feels. Try to see it as good while it lasted and to be there for him if he ever decides to be friends. I am sure he is hurting too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 10, 2013 4:37 AM GMT
    If I saw potential that could turn into love with the guy. Yes id date him even though he positive. Its 2013 after all. Hiv isnt a death sentence