Sexually Incompatable

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 14, 2008 3:43 PM GMT
    So I've been dating this great guy and we've connected emotionally and have lots of fun together. I booked a room at the Hilton, bought wine, flowers and snacks.........both of us were really lookng forward to it.

    Turns out both of us are tops. I always disliked labels (top, bottom etc.) and we both were willing to explore and try new things sexually, but it didn't work.

    What a bummer.

    Have any of you guys been in a similar situation? Do you keep trying? Do you settle for being good friends? Is being good friends a possibility? What about the leftover feelings of emotional connections?

    I'm real sad.
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    Nov 14, 2008 3:57 PM GMT
    See this is what I don't get.


    Why do two consenting adults who are obviously into each other refuse to compromise?
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    Nov 14, 2008 3:59 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear that, is the top/top thing too much to get passed? In my experience the first time is never *that* good so would it merit retrying?

    Also speaking from my experience : after 7 years of being with *100% bottoms* something had to give and I just added a new skill to my resumé. So I don't see why you can't get passed it with enough effort because I know that I'm not the only one that's changed for sexual compatability.
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    Nov 14, 2008 4:08 PM GMT
    Did you both give bottoming a real try? Or did you both just have the "I want to fuck you, but I'm not going to let you fuck me" attitude about the whole situation?

    When I see a guy, I usually decide if I'm going to top them or bottom for them before we ever get our clothes off. We don't usually discuss it, it usually just depends on if I throw them down on their back so I can start riding them, or if I throw them down on their face. You know, to draw on their back. ;-)
    It generally sucks when I'm in the mood to bottom, the guy is hot as can be, and he pipes up "I'm a total bottom..." This means one of two things:
    1) I have to top
    2) We have to find a top

    Why not stay friends and share a hot threesome with a willing bottom?
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    Nov 14, 2008 7:50 PM GMT
    Why is anal intercourse always in the cards? I am basically a "top" but I don't have to have anal intercourse to enjoy sex. There are a lot of things two guys can do in bed to please each other. Boinking the bum is only one of them.
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    Nov 14, 2008 8:02 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidWhy is anal intercourse always in the cards? I am basically a "top" but I don't have to have anal intercourse to enjoy sex. There are a lot of things two guys can do in bed to please each other. Boinking the bum is only one of them.


    I agree. For some reason being a top seems to equate with
    "pounding the pooter." This is one reason I don't date total anything.
    ( Hate total tops,hate pushy bottoms even more ! ) Just be open to
    new things like one of the other posters said. IMHO versatile guys
    have more fun. ;-)
  • cowboyathlete

    Posts: 1346

    Nov 14, 2008 9:19 PM GMT
    Fable saidSee this is what I don't get.


    Why do two consenting adults who are obviously into each other refuse to compromise?
    I agree.
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    Nov 14, 2008 9:27 PM GMT
    My question would be: Is the reason you're both tops psychological or physiological? If it's psychological, you should be able to move past it. If it's physiological, that's a different tale and you have to chalk it up to being one of life's little fuck ups.

    That said, I realize that if the reasons are strictly psychological it's still not as easy as it sounds. I 'get' that some people in the course of their sexual development move into comfort zones based on their internal and external pleasure cues, and that sort of internal programming can sometimes require a lot of work to deconstruct.
  • wvdave

    Posts: 20

    Nov 14, 2008 9:33 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidWhy is anal intercourse always in the cards? I am basically a "top" but I don't have to have anal intercourse to enjoy sex. There are a lot of things two guys can do in bed to please each other. Boinking the bum is only one of them.


    I agree anal intercourse doesn't have to be in the cards to have fun. My last few sexual encounters, there was not any anal intercourse and I still had a good time.
    I could not see being a "total" anything as fun, I would rather be open to possibilities.
  • JohnDallas

    Posts: 87

    Nov 14, 2008 9:39 PM GMT
    I think you each need to take a good look and be honest with each other about what compromises you are willing to take. If you are both willing to see if you can both become versatile for each other the relationship may work.
    If one or both of you are not able to make that transition then the only alternative you each have in order to be sexually happy in your relationship is to bring a third person in on occasion or an open relationship. Every couples views on that issue is different so that depends on each of your views.
    From experience. I can tell you it is a very frustrating situation to be in a relationship with another top. If you decide to sacrifice for one another and do not truly enjoy being the bottom it is going to lead to arguments in regards to sex. My ex and I argued about it a lot. Its a situation that needs to be handled from the start because it will only become more of an issue.
    Best of luck. I hope it works out for you.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2008 3:45 AM GMT
    Long term it might be a problem. For a night? Please. Two big boys who can't think of any other fun to have?

    I don't think the problem was that there was no bottom in the room. The problem is there was no one with an imagination in the room!
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    Nov 17, 2008 3:54 AM GMT
    beerugly.jpg?cb=1115204527

    Or in your case, helping tops become bottoms
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    Nov 17, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    Thanks guys........I've been struggling with this one.......and I've gotten a lot of great advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2008 5:14 AM GMT
    Thanks guys........I've been struggling with this one.......and I've gotten a lot of great advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 17, 2008 5:27 AM GMT
    You are pretty vague on the details. What do you mean "we both were willing to explore and try new things sexually, but it didn't work."? If the scene wasn't arousing to one of both of you, try again. If one of you couldn't get the hole to crack open, try again.

    I had a friend who was a 100% top. He had a boyfriend who was the same way. The compromise was that they would flip flop. He would fuck him until he came, then they would switch until the other came.

    You don't have to supply the details, but don't be so negative about this. Don't think of this as sexual incompatibility but as an opportunity for the two of you to explore new sexual dynamics. Go get 'em tiger!
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    Nov 18, 2008 4:31 AM GMT
    SurrealLife saidWhy is anal intercourse always in the cards? I am basically a "top" but I don't have to have anal intercourse to enjoy sex. There are a lot of things two guys can do in bed to please each other. Boinking the bum is only one of them.


    On that note, why have sex at all when we can just masturbate?

    While there are plenty of things two people can do with each other to get each other off, for me there needs to be a nice mix of oral, anal, and masturbatory sex. Anal sex is my favorite, so to me, that is necessary for a relationship to succeed. I would not stay with someone not into anal. Same with oral. I may be picky, but I don't feel that compromising sexual satisfaction makes for a great relationship. (I only say this since the poster wrote about disappointment with a lack of anal sex, it is obviously important to him.)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Nov 18, 2008 4:57 AM GMT
    Sucks that you couldn't be with a guy that you clicked with.

    My solution to that kind of solution is to choose a mutually satisfying sexual position, instead of one guy topping the other. It's called frot, making love to a guy face to face. No tops or bottoms necessary. icon_biggrin.gif




















    (Yes, for some of you older members, I went there) icon_rolleyes.gif
  • mikeeugene

    Posts: 84

    Nov 18, 2008 5:07 AM GMT
    First time in bed and already certain that it could never work? Good thing our grandparents didn't rely so much on compatibility, otherwise we humans all would have died out long ago.

    Last spring, I hung out with a guy I thought was the coolest ever, just a bit intense on the "detail oriented" side. HOT body, fun in bed, but I wasn't 100% of what his sexual fantasy wanted. No call, no email, just stopped contact after two hot dates. A few weeks later he responded to an email and said that it was because we weren't clicking sexually... too bad he hadn't communicated HOW to make it work sexually.

    I guess it did show a major incompatibility between us: I would rather put the effort into making the situation work; he would rather put the effort into finding new guys to test out and see if they fit his fantasy.