Help me with my Gym Buddy...please somebody give me a chance!

  • bijockmuscle

    Posts: 656

    Nov 14, 2008 4:42 PM GMT
    I have this buddy that I met my gym about two years ago. We speak to each other casually when we see each other at the gym. We are both married. He is a few years younger than me. We have a lot in common. However, I am very attracted to him and have no idea how he feels or even if he is into guys.

    MY questions:

    1) How can I tell if he is into guys?
    2) How can I let him know, subtly, that I want more, without clueing him in on that I am into guys?

    Sounds ridiculous but i am serious...
  • bijockmuscle

    Posts: 656

    Nov 14, 2008 7:14 PM GMT
    Bueller? Bueller?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 7:42 PM GMT
    Oh hun, that's called adultery... and that's a no-no...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 8:39 PM GMT
    Have you no honor nor integrity? What about your marriage? What about your wife / mate? Does none of that count for anything?

    In my personal experience, in the gay world, "discreet" equal self-loathing, dishonest, deceitful, low esteem.

    Is that the kind of person you wish to be?

    If your marriage partner signs off, and his does, too, then, good for you, but, if you're dishonest, then, shame on you. Have you no concern for anyone other than yourself?

    Being a swinger is one thing. Being a sneaky snake is quite another.

    You need to see a professional. Being into guy, or girls, or both, or swinging is fine, but, being dishonest is deplorable. SEEK A PROFESSIONAL to figure out why you carry all this baggage around.

    The way you are feeling is merely a symptom of a deeper, underlying, mental illness. Only when you come to be honest, with yourself, and others, and comfortable with who you are, will you again be healthy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 8:42 PM GMT
    Ask him "Hey bud, want to cheat on our spouses and wreck a few homes? It'd be hot."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    timidpup saidOh hun, that's called adultery... and that's a no-no...


    LOL --- boy fuck boy...... its called SODOMY ..thats a "SIN" too. Gays guy have some interesting filters in which they view the world.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    Ask him out for a drink or coffee after a workout. You got to get to know him better before you go any further with him. I understand your situation as I'm there, too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 8:53 PM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    timidpup saidOh hun, that's called adultery... and that's a no-no...


    LOL --- boy fuck boy...... its called SODOMY ..thats a "SIN" too. Gays guy have some interesting filters in which they view the world.


    Actually no..it's called BIOLOGY. Sodomy is the religious term, you know, the one they use to discriminate against gays.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 9:44 PM GMT
    You're looking for gain with no risk. You want more, but you don't want to reveal that you're into guys.

    Let's say you find out he's into guys. Let's say that he catches onto your hypothetical hint that you want more.

    1) Just because he's into guys doesn't mean he's into you.
    2) If he _is_ into you, if you never let on that you're interested in guys, he's not going to know you're into him.
    3) If he's into you, you still have no idea whether he will be open to pursuing "more" given that you're both married.

    Ultimately, this comes down to wanting something for nothing. Irregardless of how anyone feels about your marital situation, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Risk nothing, get nothing.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 10:49 PM GMT
    DigitalGhost_ said
    Alpha13 said
    timidpup saidOh hun, that's called adultery... and that's a no-no...


    LOL --- boy fuck boy...... its called SODOMY ..thats a "SIN" too. Gays guy have some interesting filters in which they view the world.


    Actually no..it's called BIOLOGY. Sodomy is the religious term, you know, the one they use to discriminate against gays.


    Sorry..Sodomy is a legal term.

    "27 states, the District of Columbia and 4 territories had repealed their sodomy laws by legislative action, 9 states had had them overturned or invalidated by state court action, 4 states still had same-sex laws, and 10 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. military had laws applying to all regardless of gender. In 2005 Puerto Rico repealed the sodomy law and in 2006 Missouri legislatures decided to repeal the anti-homosexual "conduct" laws - leaving only three states yet to repeal anti-homosexual "conduct" laws: Oklahoma, Kansas and Texas."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 10:57 PM GMT

    Well Baron K VonMunchausen and sharp scissors.

    Aside from abstract distractions here, bijockmuscle don't do it without telling your spouse FIRST. This is a HUGE issue dealing with your integrity and whether you're willing or not to seriously hurt the one you married.

    If you're in an established open relationship- which you haven't disclosed here, go ahead, but realize you may be part of an episode that severely hurts that guy's spouse if he isn't in an open relationship too.

    So, are you in an open relationship?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 11:18 PM GMT
    I have no idea how one would communicate an idea without the other person picking up on the idea.

    Maybe a couple of observations in the gym...like "he has nice pecs" ....that could be just an observation with plausible deniability....but after a few of them, he might start to wonder.....and if he is curious too, he might make a few observations and they could lead to a conversation ...that could lead to some revelations.....which could lead to some good man-sex on the side.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 11:38 PM GMT
    Dude, you made a commitment to your wife. If you can't honor that, then you owe her the truth. Ultimately you have an attraction to the same sex. Whether you've acted on it yet, or are now more seriously considering it, you need to address the issue before you act on it...and you WILL act on it at some point.

    Oh, and if you're thinking I'm just being a prick who doesn't understand, well I do. I've been in your shoes and chose the high road rather than the DL. And because of that choice, I can look at myself in the mirror every day without self loathing or regret.
  • auryn

    Posts: 2061

    Nov 14, 2008 11:40 PM GMT
    chuckystud3 saidHave you no honor nor integrity? What about your marriage? What about your wife / mate? Does none of that count for anything?

    In my personal experience, in the gay world, "discreet" equal self-loathing, dishonest, deceitful, low esteem.

    Is that the kind of person you wish to be?

    If your marriage partner signs off, and his does, too, then, good for you, but, if you're dishonest, then, shame on you. Have you no concern for anyone other than yourself?

    Being a swinger is one thing. Being a sneaky snake is quite another.

    You need to see a professional. Being into guy, or girls, or both, or swinging is fine, but, being dishonest is deplorable. SEEK A PROFESSIONAL to figure out why you carry all this baggage around.

    The way you are feeling is merely a symptom of a deeper, underlying, mental illness. Only when you come to be honest, with yourself, and others, and comfortable with who you are, will you again be healthy.


    Yup. Chuckstud is back. I'm officially convinced now. icon_smile.gif

    And let me further state:
    Photobucket
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 14, 2008 11:57 PM GMT
    This here shit is Fcuked up!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 1:32 AM GMT
    Wow, ok, there is a LOT of shaming and judgment going on here.

    Sure, cheating on his wife is not the right thing to do. However, as many of the people on here know.... being attracted to men and being married are not two things that go easily together. Furthermore, shaming this guy and telling him what an awful person he is will likely not change his behavior....

    The point is.... we need to make constructive criticism and help ask questions that might make him re-evaluate his actions before he seeks out male 'company'.

    Remember that most of us were once closeted, and very apprehensive about coming out. Perhaps he has some very serious circumstances that he feels warrant him staying in the closet. There was once a time when I thought I was gonna get married and have kids; because I was afraid my parents would hate me if I ever told them I am gay. I was lucky though and realized early enough that I was not going to be happy living a life that was not my own.

    So, I'll repeat what a FEW people have said.

    Communicate with someone. Tell a professional your feelings, if you feel that you are not ready/wanting to tell your wife. This way you will be able to act with a clean conscience and have nothing to shame you or your wife, if things should take a negative turn in your relationship with her.
  • styrgan

    Posts: 2017

    Nov 15, 2008 1:44 AM GMT
    ZbmwM5 saidWow, ok, there is a LOT of shaming and judgment going on here.

    Sure, cheating on his wife is not the right thing to do. However, as many of the people on here know.... being attracted to men and being married are not two things that go easily together.


    Then don't you think you should not get married?

    People find ways to justify or play down all sorts of things they know are wrong... It's a really simple thing... Put some thought into getting married and be honest with yourself. If you know you're not going to be able to totally committ to one person, say, "I don't."
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 2:04 AM GMT


    We'll add to this by saying that bijockmuscle should be able to get with a guy outside of his marriage IF his marriage is an established open one. So far he's not saying.

    So everyone has to assume it's not, before advising, which as we all know :

    assume - ass/ u/ me Uck.

    And ZbmwM5,

    you say,"Communicate with someone. Tell a professional your feelings, if you feel that you are not ready/wanting to tell your wife. This way you will be able to act with a clean conscience and have nothing to shame you or your wife, if things should take a negative turn in your relationship with her."

    ....but this is not about shame, it's about hurt. Deep, painful hurt. If you've been on the receiving end of cheating and dishonesty, you know how damaging it can be.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 2:17 AM GMT
    meninlove gets it.

    The best thing is honesty, and bijockmuscle just got a healthly dose of it.

    Being all-accepting, and non-judgmental is the worst prescription of all.

    Judgment is what makes us civilized, and protects us, and others, from harm, and hurt. It's essential in our daily lives.

    Being selfless, and considerate, is part of being mature and socially responsible. Being selfish, impulsive, and hurtful is what little boys and little girls and folks with mental illness do.

    Being real is what good friends, and good advice, is all about. Coddling a weak part only makes it weaker.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 3:01 AM GMT
    Alpha13 said
    DigitalGhost_ said
    Alpha13 said
    timidpup saidOh hun, that's called adultery... and that's a no-no...


    LOL --- boy fuck boy...... its called SODOMY ..thats a "SIN" too. Gays guy have some interesting filters in which they view the world.


    Actually no..it's called BIOLOGY. Sodomy is the religious term, you know, the one they use to discriminate against gays.


    Sorry..Sodomy is a legal term.

    "27 states, the District of Columbia and 4 territories had repealed their sodomy laws by legislative action, 9 states had had them overturned or invalidated by state court action, 4 states still had same-sex laws, and 10 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. military had laws applying to all regardless of gender. In 2005 Puerto Rico repealed the sodomy law and in 2006 Missouri legislatures decided to repeal the anti-homosexual "conduct" laws - leaving only three states yet to repeal anti-homosexual "conduct" laws: Oklahoma, Kansas and Texas."



    I know it is a legal term but it is derived from the use in religion. In reality same sex attraction is actually a biological thing..nothing to do with legal or religious terms.

    And regardless of whether it is "sodomy" or not, what bijock would potentially do is considered cheating and I find that more "immoral"(not that I am the moral police) than two SINGLE gay guys having sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 3:27 AM GMT
    ZbmwM5 said
    Communicate with someone. Tell a professional your feelings, if you feel that you are not ready/wanting to tell your wife. This way you will be able to act with a clean conscience and have nothing to shame you or your wife, if things should take a negative turn in your relationship with her.


    Something about readily deferring to the professionals consistently seems dismissive in my opinion. Yes, you are suggesting that he receive care and guidance, but in doing so it also abdicates any responsibility on your end to support or assist the person asking for help.

    As for the specific question asked by bijockmuscle, I'd say talk to your wife. If she knows you are bi and she is comfortable with an open marriage, then you already have step one. Step two is giving her the heads up that you have a gym crush and want to see him outside the gym. Step three is being direct with him and asking to see him outside the gym, cause you'd like to get to know him better. I'm not about a subtle approach when it comes to getting to know someone. Initiative is sexy.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 3:45 AM GMT
    bijockmuscle said
    Sounds ridiculous but i am serious...

    It sounds ridiculous because it is ridiculous. On so many levels. That you say it sounds ridiculous indicates that you know something's not right about the whole situation. I will echo the sentiments of many here. I would first recommend removing yourself from a state of affairs that involves you not being honest with your wife. I would say divorce would be the most honorable way, though apparently open marriages are becoming the norm. Next, in order to proceed with your plan you will have to take a risk. Deal with it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 3:53 AM GMT
    For crying out loud people, you're condemning the poor guy for doing something he hasn't even broached yet. We don't even know if this buddy is into guys, into him, or even aware of the fact that bijockmuscle is into guys; never mind the fact that all of this has to be conveyed without betraying said attraction.

    People get married for all kinds of reasons, love being only one of them. It is also entirely possible to make the decision to marry someone and find out years later that you have, and perhaps you both have become such different people that the marriage no longer makes sense. Who is anyone to say that at the time of the ceremony, he did not feel certain about the relationship? Love is not a static thing. That's why movies end when they do--before ever after, because it's not always so happy.

    Just because you have been so fortunate so as to "discover" and come to terms with yourself in a timely fashion doesn't mean everyone has the same luxury.

    I do not think that referring someone to a professional is a "turf". It's only abdication if you had the "power" (i.e. expertise to provide actual useful information) to begin with. Recognizing that an online forum, no matter how friendly, is no substitute for building a relationship of trust and guidance is far more responsible than suggesting he simply broach the subject of an open relationship with his wife out of the blue. He's written less than 20 sentences about himself, his family situation, his emotional state, his relationship with his wife and you're telling him to ask his wife for an open relationship?? I can't even begin to list the reasons why, based on what you have read in his forum messages, that is potentially a really really bad idea.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 4:01 AM GMT






    "MY questions:

    1) How can I tell if he is into guys?
    2) How can I let him know, subtly, that I want more, without clueing him in on that I am into guys?"

    These are pretty specific questions. He states both of them are married. Looks pretty basic to us. Basically hazardous.



  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Nov 15, 2008 4:03 AM GMT
    wow I was going to write something judgmental but I see other nuns of the RJ have rushed in to do their bidding.

    This is leaves me nothing to say.

    It is impossible to tell which way a guy goes thanks in part to our married DL friends over in the honorary straight people club.

    Seriously the confusion the closeted guys have created is more complicated than JFK's assassination and they're still trying to figure that one out....

    So like the Sphinx you my friend will never know until your hand is on your gym buddies' thigh...

    life sucks huh....


    good luck.