First Heart Break, Please Help.


  • Aug 13, 2013 6:43 PM GMT
    Hi there,

    I'm feeling soo lost and need someone to talk to. Anyone. Any advice. Anything. If you can bear to read through all of my dirty laundry, please, tell me something, anything.



    My boyfriend and I broke up a few hours ago and I'm struggling to come to terms with it. I need to make some sense out of it. This is my first relationship ever. This was his 2nd but first serious one. We've been together for a year and 7 months. We both have a lot of maturity issues.

    Recently, he started working out/swimming again with coworkers/friends. In particular, one new guy ("Tom"), who he says is a lot like me, but apparently very straight. My bf is not out to his coworkers and intends to stay so.

    Tom has seen my bf naked in the gym shower, and they text and make fun about each others body parts, and say things like "i'm c*ming" in questionable context. I may not like it, but I understand that's how he talks to some of his buddies. However, the only instance of me texting "im c*ming" to anyone was to someone I was about to sleep with, had slept with, and or spent the night with intimately.

    Tom invites my bf over to his apt BECAUSE 'his roommate is not home'. He lives directly across from where they all work and go to swim. They all went drinking 2 weekends ago and later he invites my bf to stay over. Bf had brought extra clothes. He ignores my text and does not call like usual. He meets me the day after and is very attentive and eager to please. I tell him he's acting suspicious and guilty. He smirks. At this point I already knew he stayed downtown. I dont mind that at all. But he tells me that he didn't sleep on Tom's couch because it was too small/uncomfortable, he is 6'2. They slept in the same bed, under the same sheets. He usually sleeps nude/semi nude. He admits that Tom plus 1 other coworker really like him, as friends/coworkers (budding friendships).

    My bf always jokes alot and teases me, way too far most of the time.

    Anytime I follow up on the subject and ask in seriousness for an honest answer, he is sarcastic and says 'they slept together dozens of times, f*cked every which way and he's been over there every night'.

    I know in my heart, that he would never cheat on me. But it's his recurring insensitivity, selfishness, and lack of compassion that constantly disturbs me. He is Korean, 27. Two years younger than me. However, I look and act a lot younger than him.

    We were apart for 1 week. We quasi made up the past few days. He searches through my phone and interrogates me about people on there (there was nothing). He refuses to let me see his phone or to show me himself if there was anything i needed to know.

    He was being very kind and wonderful last night. Then he starts teasing me with Tom again. "Well, Tom let's me do this." "I love Tom" he repeats many times, he hasn't said it to me in over a month. "Tom is my new boyfriend. You're just my f*ckbuddy now." I laugh it off. But I am fuming. I ignore him for a while. He gets upset and says he doesn't like me anymore and tells me to go away, pushing me out my own bed. He says, "I really will sleep with Tom now."

    I come back and continue to ignore him. He's trying to placate me. Eventually he says, if I don't say anything in the next 10 seconds, that's it. It's over.

    In a few minutes I'm ready to talk it out. He is not. I tell him why I was upset and ask for an apology. He does not care. He unemotionally says he's tired of it, of everything and that he is glad it's over. This is around 4am. He then goes to sleep. I try to talk to him. He says he'll leave in the morning. He proceeds to snore. I actually start crying, profusely, sobbing actually. He ignores me. I try to be discreet and leave. I come back and try to hold him.

    He leaves in the morning. I'm still 'emotional' and a visible wreck. Eventually, I run after him. He ignores me while we walk to the subway. I call out to him. He's gone.

    I am floored at how he is offended at me for being offended at the horrible things he's said. He has barely ever apologized for anything wrong he's done. The most I've gotten from him was "I'm sorry." after he was on a mobile cruising app using the profiles as quick j/o material. And after I find out 1 year later that when we were officially together for 1 week, he had been messaging/sexting another guy and on top of that went on a date with them behind my back, 3 days after the first time we slept together. Up until these events, I had absolute trust and faith in him. He told me to trust him, I did, he betrayed me. Still, we always managed to work it out. But this today was just stupid ridiculous.

    He is the love of my life. The odds of us finding each other were incredible. I've never loved another human being as much as I do him. I don't want to live without him. But I can.


    Anyone, can you impart any advice? Share any of your experiences with me? Please. Anything...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Aug 14, 2013 2:46 AM GMT
    There must be some friends you can spend time with. That, and exercise a lot.
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    Aug 14, 2013 5:02 AM GMT
    Stay apart for a while..

    Both of you need to stop..grow up and focus on what is most important!.. Preserving your relationship.

    .. The puppy love thing is not working for you two.

    .. He needs to stop pushing your buttons. You seem very insecure, your boyfriend is insensitive.. you are overly sensitive..

    Has it always been like this over the past 19 months?
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    Aug 14, 2013 5:53 AM GMT
    Many people are going to tell you: "well clearly hes a douche, get over him, you deserve better, blah blah blah"... When obviously, you know that. My advice is that this is going to take time. I am in a very similar situation at the moment (just recently became single) and Im having a really hard time dealing with it, although Im the one who broke it off because I know that we are not meant to be with each other. That is all it came down to. If you can see your life with this man, and you still believe that he can be the one, I encourage you to attempt at talking to him and fixing things and truly getting to the bottom of all of this mysteriousness. BUT you also have to be completely real with yourself. If you know, deep down no matter how much you want to believe it, that you guys are probably not meant to be then it is wise to attempt to move on. Its the only thing that is getting me through this. I know we were not meant to be as soul mates, no matter how much I miss him right now even though he is treating me like shit at the moment. All I can think is, my soul mate will come to me eventually, and Im waiting.
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    Aug 14, 2013 5:55 AM GMT
    In fact, answering that question really just helped me feel a bit better. I am now available for my next potential soul mate!! bring it on!

  • Aug 14, 2013 5:23 PM GMT
    Hey guys,

    thank you all very much for your advice. It has really helped me through the past 24 hours.

    After our first month together, he would get upset over trivial things and he acknowledged that he was immature and that i should bear it out for a while. We agreed and kept communication open. Progressively, he became a lot more self involved. He still cared much about me, for me, but his needs and desires were always number 1.

    He had falling outs with some friends, and it was brought to his attention that he was 'emotionally abusive'. He is mostly unemotional. He's cried for me once because of a sad movie and a job related incident. I've cried on account of him far too often.

    If he had just said straight up that nothing happened, Tom is straight, and explained the bed situation, I would have left it at that. But he refused, was vague and kept it as a way to illicit a negative reaction out of me. Then, he has the nerve to say that he's tired of my attitude about it.

    Friends and working out is a great option. I have a big work event coming up and was counting on him to be there for support. haha soo lame.

  • Aug 14, 2013 5:32 PM GMT
    k10malau, thank you for your insights and sharing your story with me. Deep down, it feels like we are. Before him, I had no idea that you could love another human being like that, to that degree. The things we have in common, the things we've shared. For the longest time, I couldn't imagine my life without him. At the same time, I've been soo burned by him, and he is totally unapologetic about it, like with your circumstance. Where do you go from there...

    The chance for reconciliation is I don't know. He is very prideful and stubborn and both of us can hold a grudge. Someone said to act like adults, so I will. Though if something happens, there needs to be major lines drawn and changes made.

    Thanks again.
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    Aug 14, 2013 6:01 PM GMT
    ComicBookTatt2 saidk10malau, thank you for your insights and sharing your story with me. Deep down, it feels like we are. Before him, I had no idea that you could love another human being like that, to that degree. The things we have in common, the things we've shared. For the longest time, I couldn't imagine my life without him. At the same time, I've been soo burned by him, and he is totally unapologetic about it, like with your circumstance. Where do you go from there...

    The chance for reconciliation is I don't know. He is very prideful and stubborn and both of us can hold a grudge. Someone said to act like adults, so I will. Though if something happens, there needs to be major lines drawn and changes made.

    Thanks again.


    Understandable icon_smile.gif me and my ex are pretty stubborn in our ways too. It took me to swallow all my pride and find mistakes I had made before we broke up, and I admitted them to him and said sorry. He still hasn't really talked to me, but he said he will once we get back to school which is a start.. But I all I want from us is friends, you are a bit different. I wish you all the luck in the world man! Good luck!
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    Aug 14, 2013 9:34 PM GMT
    I'm sorry but when you're boyfriend starts joking about his relationship and sleeping arrangements with tom, it's either a) he's insensitive b) he's trying to make you jealous and/or c) trying to hurt you. At the end of the day, he doesn't have your best interest at heart or he doesn't even try to make any attempt to repair or make you comfortable in the relationship.

    He might have his redeeming qualities but at the end of the day, he's able to hurt you knowingly. No one in their right mind would say those things and mean it in a positive way.

    Your relationship with him has already runs it's course, and it might seem like you start to form codependency issues by continually forgiving his actions.

    Smart thing to do is move on. Stay with friends or family and continue to heal. But before you do, have some closure. Make it known how insensitive he was to you and didn't consider the emotional damage he's brought upon the relationship. Don't look back because if you do, it will become a cycle .

  • Aug 16, 2013 2:47 PM GMT
    Thank you for your advice. codependency issues for sure.

    He told me the first couple of months, he felt really bad at the way he treated his last boyfriend. At the time, naively, I never thought he could or would do that to me, too.

    Closure would be awesome, but I don't think I will get that. Even if I get through to him, he still won't care. He will never admit his faults and will not change, and that is his choice. I have to live with that.

    I think the worst part so far, has been waking up every morning and knowing he's not there. *dies*
  • SeattleGreenl...

    Posts: 124

    Aug 16, 2013 5:08 PM GMT
    Treat yourself well. That might include going for a run, taking yourself to a movie, taking yourself to dinner, Asking a friend to do any of those things with you.

    When I have been heartbroken I replay all the mistakes I made in my mind about 39,482 times. It doesn't help.

    It is normal to feel heart break and it is also OK to give yourself time to feel sad. In time you will be able to look at the situation with more clarity. It doesn't seem like it now and it might not seem like you will find someone to love or like as much as you do this chap.

    The best advice? Don't isolate yourself. Even if that means doing things alone, try not to spend too much time at home alone. Home cam be a prison when you are heart broken.

    It is the worst feeling. If you have a friend who would be willing to have you over to spend the night a few nights, or they come stay at your place, that has always been helpful for me when i was heartbroken. Not to have sex, just to have another person around.

  • Aug 17, 2013 7:15 PM GMT
    Thank you, I've trying to do exactly that. Reading what I've posted before, I feel like some lunatic wrote it. It all seems soo surreal. Every now and then, I have to remind myself that it wasn't just a nightmare, it happened.